An Unfamiliar Melody
by Novel Intent
Summary: When Melody Corden suddenly finds herself in a world she had always known to be fictional she realizes she has the rare and dangerous opportunity to change the course of history. But will the change turn out for the better or will everything fall apart? [Marauder era]
1. The Wake Up Song

**Disclaimer: **Story & OCs are mine but sadly I'm not J.K. Rowling, therefore own nothing HP-related.

**A/N: **I'm not quite sure why I took this story down but I regretted having done so which is why it's back. At the moment I'm working on the rewrite which is proving to be quite a departure from this, the original, but much closer to what I originally envisioned. I may begin posting it soon, I'm still not sure. Anyway, for those of you who have read this before I hope you enjoy it this time as much as you did the first and I hope those of you stumbling upon it give it a chance and forgive the weirdness and poor grammar (I started writing this four years ago so...). Don't be shy, drop me a line, won't you? Thanks!

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**Chapter 1: The Wake Up Song**

I've gone mad. I've gone ruddy mad, that has to be the only explanation. Could you think of any other explanation but that when this morning I woke up a twenty year old in a bright, sunny beach town and am going to bed a sixteen year old in the tower of some castle somewhere in Scotland? This place shouldn't even exist and yet I can feel the hard stone walls, the soft scarlet colored bed sheets and can clearly detect the wonderful scent of moisture in the air. They tell me this is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Impossible, I know!

I'd been in the Headmaster's office trying to figure out what happened before I was sent back to "my" dormitory. I don't know why I'm here and how this happened and all anyone can tell me is that I've been here the entire time, since 1971. If that were true I would not be having some sort of mental breakdown and I'd very well remember being a witch, that isn't something you just let slip, now is it? Since I've "been here" the entire time, I would be getting absolutely no help with my predicament, no matter how oddly I was suddenly behaving.

To figure this out, I've had to trace my steps back all the way to this morning when I was still in the correct time and place, in the real world rather within a subplot of a book series.

My morning began as usual. I fell out of bed, tangled in my bright pink Hello Kitty sheets onto the cold hardwood floor. The light stung my eyes because, as usual, I had forgotten to shut the curtains before falling asleep the previous night. I dragged myself to the bathroom to go through my ritual morning hygienic routine and then headed to the kitchen, still half-asleep, to have some breakfast.

My mother was drinking a cup of coffee and my brother, Peter, was sitting by the window busy smoking a cigarette while reading the newspaper. I simply assumed he had a new girlfriend who liked to have intelligent conversations since he seldom even glanced at the paper.

Mom noticed that I had only served myself a glass of orange juice. "You aren't going to eat anything?"

I shook my head and told her that I wasn't going for my morning run, that I was taking a slight break. In retrospect, I think I should've stuck to my routine. "I'm going to be down in Little Italy, at the 'Mercato.' They've opened up a new shop and I've been dying to check it out."

They both bid me farewell. Well, my mother did, Pete simply grunted like he did when I asked him a question and he didn't listen.

The Mercato is the farmer's market they hold every Saturday morning in the centre of Little Italy. It's usually pretty boring and expensive and the live entertainment usually makes me want to kill myself but I went down there anyway in hopes that I might find something good at this new shop.

I weaved through the crowd on my crappy little bike, taking in the glorious weather. It was a perfect day: the sky was a bright, cloudless blue and the air was cool and crisp as we were in mid-Autumn rather than Summer.

"Buongiorno, bella!" called Giovanni Lombardi, my mother's boss, from the doorway of his deli. I had been slowed down by a massive group of people. The Mercato seemed to be a lot more crowded than usual.

I hopped of my bike and walked towards the kind-faced man. "Good morning, Mr. Lombardi. How's business?"

"As good as always," he told me with his usual optimist grin. "What are you up to this morning?"

"Nothing much. A couple of errands but really I just want to check out the new shop."

"The new boutique? La Dolce Vita, it's called, isn't it? Ah yes, my little Renata is quite fond of their clothes, especially their dresses."

This only made me more excited to see the place for myself. It must've been fantastic to have gotten Renata's approval, I thought, since Renata was known to be notoriously picky when it came to two things: boys and fashion. She only wanted the best, she'd always said.

"Well, I better get back to my customers and let you be on your way. Ciao, bella."

"Ciao, Mr. Lombardi!"

It wasn't hard to find the shop after I left Mr. Lombardi, all I had to do was follow the hordes of teenage pseudo-hipster/indie girls. Believe me when I say that stepping into La Dolce Vita boutique was like stepping into heaven. It was even better than the first time I went to the Urban Outfitters in Downtown with my friend Charlie. This store had everything I had ever dreamt of. It was small but it felt infinite. The clothes was gorgeous but I couldn't even look at it, I was mesmerized by the amazing jewelry. Row upon row of gorgeous necklaces on a small mahogany table and they were being completely neglected. I grinned and could only think, more for me.

When I saw everything close up I was so happy that I had remembered to bring my debit card with me, there was just so much to choose from. The rings, the earrings, hair-clips, bracelets ... everything was beautiful.

"So you're fond of jewelry, I see," the voice made me jump but when I turned I saw a really hot guy about my age with a lip piercing wearing an untucked Oxford with a pair of dark jeans.

"Do you work here?"

"That I do. My mum's the owner."

And he had an English accent, too? Wow! I swear I could have melted on the spot.

He grinned at what I assumed was my ridiculous expression. "Come with me, you'll love what we've got over here."

I followed in a daze. He was quite possibly one of the most attractive men I had seen in my life ... well before arriving here, but we'll get back to that later. It was like if Andrew Gardfield and William Beckett somehow had a baby and then that baby somehow had a baby with Gaspard Ulliel. It makes no sense, I know. Few things seem to today, I'm still hoping I'll wake up in my own bed after this. Back to this guy though. I followed him up the spiral staircase to this other section of the store where no girl was browsing.

"We keep the special stuff up here. It's a bit more expensive than what we have downstairs but still quite affordable."

In a glass display case there were intricate necklaces, eccentric in their design. Quirky. Cute. Exactly my taste. I walked over to the case completely entranced.

"Where do you guys get all these things?"

"My mum makes it, the clothes and the jewelry. Well, except this, these are special things she's collected throughout the years, since she was eighteen and begun traveling across Europe. Some of these are family heirlooms but they're all for sale."

"You're sure?" I asked him skeptically. "There's no emotional attachment to them or anything?"

"A little," he admitted, "but mum rather have other people buy them and enjoy them than have them put away collecting dust."

That made sense.

"Do you see anything you fancy?"

Besides you, you mean? No, I didn't say that out loud. I really said "Everything."

I saw him dig in his pocket and pull out a key, soon after opening the case and gently pulling out one of the many necklaces on display in it.

He handed me the necklace. "Take a look at this."

It was beautiful, then again everything in this store seemed to be, even the employees. The necklace was also vaguely familiar: a large circular pendant on a long golden chain, in the muddle of the pendant was a tiny, seemingly-functional hourglass.

"Is this ... a time-turner? Like in Harry Potter?"

The boy grinned. "You're the first whose ever noticed and yes, yes it is but this one is different; special."

I looked at the pendant that rested on my palm. "Isn't it just a movie replica? I'm sure there are dozens more on Ebay."

"Yes, perhaps, but like I said this one is special," he chuckled.

Then he went on to tell me about how when his mother had barely begun traveling Europe she ended up in Romania accidentally on her way to Greece because she got on the wrong train. At first I had no idea what the hell this had to do with the necklace or it being a time turner but then his story became more elaborate. He told me that in Romania, his mother met a native girl named Celestina and that they quickly became friends. His mother stayed in Romania with Celestina and her family for a couple of weeks but then one day Celestina randomly got so sick that she almost died. Apparently, his mother was able to save little Celestina but neither she, nor anyone else, ever figured out how, which is the odd part. This is how she acquired the necklace. Celestina's parents were so grateful that their daughter's life was saved that they gave the sales boy's mother the only thing of real value they had: the necklace.

I thought it was a really cool story and if it really was true then that just makes the necklace so much better.

"And this was before the whole Harry Potter craze?" I asked, unsure of the validity of his story.

He nodded. "1984. Before the books were even published, before anyone even had a clue what the hell a time-turner was. I think Celestina called it a timpul colier but I may have it wrong. If that's it then I'm pretty certain it translates to 'time necklace'."

"So does it work?" I asked, tearing my gaze away from the glittering trinket to look up at the boy's striking golden eyes.

"Nah. I tried it ages ago. I got curious after I read book three for the first time, but it's still pretty wicked, innit? It's a real one even if it doesn't work."

"And you're sure your mom won't miss it?" I asked to which he shook his head. "How much is it?"

"250 ... but seeing as how you know what it is and really seem to like it, I'll give it to you for 125. I'll pay the other half."

"You really don't have to do that," I insisted.

"Yeah, I know, but I want to. Who knows, it might actually work for you," he said in a teasing tone, flashing me the absolute cutest crooked grin ever.

I blushed. "Doubt it."

In the end the total of my first La Dolce Vita Boutique excursion was approximately $500.00. Apart from the 'timpul colier' I also bought three other necklaces (a sliver skeleton key and a large heart-shaped locket with a working clock in it from the glass case, and a cheap fake pearl necklace from the table downstairs), and a white knit minidress with long sleeves (almost identical to the one Sienna Miller wore in Factory Girl), and a leather-bound journal that just seemed a necessity at the time.

The boy, who had introduced himself as Tristan Benneton after I tried on the dress, smiled as he handed me a purple bag with my stuff.

"So, are you busy next Saturday? I don't have to work then."

Ohmygosh. ohmygosh. ohmygosh. He was asking me out!

"Not really. Why did you want to hang out or something?"

"Yeah, maybe go to the movies, out for a cup of coffee, maybe talk more about Harry Potter...?" I couldn't help but laugh at the last bit, though I was glad to have met someone so attractive who seemed to like the series as much as I did, or at least enough to recognize something that may or may not be a device straight out of the third book.

"Sounds great ... Sorry, I know this is going to sound random and way off topic, but what are a British guy and his mother doing in Little Italy?"

"My mum's Italian, my father was from Bristol. We have family here."

That explained it. Unlike me who's written how many pages now (in my new journal) and still haven't gotten to what is actually important I think I've gone too much into detail with Tristan but I kind of had to if I'm ever going to figure out how I got myself into this mess.

Right away I had decided to wear the dress next Saturday for my "date."

My date was just another reason to be even more pissed off that this happened because if it turned out that this wasn't a dream or that I hit my head and fell into a coma of some sort, I probably wouldn't get back in time for that date and Tristan was going to think that I ditched him. Then again, I could blame this all on him because he sold me the stupid necklace. But I still didn't know if it was even the fucking necklace! A time-turner is supposed to take you to the past not transport you to some odd alternate reality. Besides, I only spun it twice, if it were a time-turner it would have only sent me two hours back, not here! Not into a place that isn't even suppose to exist! Grrrr ...

When I got home, Pete had somehow walked into my room, undetected and was rummaging through my stuff. "I am so happy I'm not a girl. 500 for clothes and junk? Seriously, Mel?"

"Oh, shut up ... and get out of my room will you? I didn't give you permission to come in, you nosey bastard."

He ignored me and kept rummaging, finally coming across the timpul colier.

"What's is this? Five hundred bones for a journal, a key, an hourglass, plastic pearls and a pile of lace? Wow, Mel, just wow. What is this thing even supposed to be?" When he put it like that it did kind of make me feel shitty. He made it sound like things I could've picked out of the dumpster even though I knew how awesome and special they really were.

I rolled my eyes. "It's a necklace from Romania, if you must know, and I rather not have your filthy hands all over it."

"Why? It doesn't do anything, does it?"

"No," I growled, "But it belongs to me. Now give it back!"

He threw it at me and dashed out of the room before I was able to peg him with my sneaker, like I usually did when he trespassed into my territory. I looked at the necklace again, just as I had while I was in the shop but this time really paying attention to the detail. Around the hourglass there were little stars cut out and tiny diamonds encrusted into the gold too. I started to feel even worse for paying so little for it, especially when I saw this. It was worth much more than 125 or even 250 - gold and diamonds were expensive things - but I knew Tristan wouldn't let me give it back or pay more for it. He seemed like the kind of person who would insist on me keeping it. Around the outer-ring there was also a series of words engraved into the gold but they were in sloppy cursive and in what I assumed was Romanian since I couldn't understand it.

I put the necklace on. It looked good on me. I had to admit (which is why I'm so pissed that I can't fucking find it here). It was a lot prettier than the replicas I had seen. The chain was thinner and longer, a lot more delicate, and the pendant itself seemed to have some sort of fragility to it, as if the hourglass could pop out at any moment or that the thin piece of gold that held it would simply break in miniscule pieces with the wrong touch. The latter was proven untrue, of course, by my brute of a brother who was toying with it carelessly.

The rest of the morning I hung around in the kitchen, helping my mom with the cooking and it seemed like it was going to be just like any other ordinary day, just like it had seemed when I woke up. Then when we were finished, I went up to shower.

In the bathroom, I just couldn't help it, I was curious and wanted to try out my necklace ... just to see if it wasn't really magical. But can you blame me? I mean, after I read the first Harry Potter book I waited anxiously for my Hogwarts letter and when I turned twelve and it still hadn't come I almost gave up, I was left with just a little dash of hope that the magic world was real. Now that I've gotten my wish, I can't say I'm extremely pleased but you know what they say ... Be careful what you wish for and whatnot. I turned it twice, like I mentioned earlier, and at first nothing happened so I just continued with my pre-shower routine, grabbing my towel and soap, and undoing my messy bun. I don't even know when but all of the sudden, I felt a sort of tickling sensation in my stomach, like when you're on the first drop of a roller coaster, and like I was being pulled back by some invisible hook. Everything went black and that scared me. I started screaming. Even when the light came back I kept screaming because I didn't realize it and I hadn't realized I wasn't in my bathroom anymore. I screamed and screamed and ended up running into a wall.

I still don't know who found me or who took me to the hospital wing. I don't really know if I should thank them for it or not. I was released quickly and that was when I went to Dumbledore's office and he and Professor McGonagall told me I had always been here and they asked me why I was in Muggle clothes and not my robes. I told them I didn't even know where my robes were and that I had no idea where my room was, that I didn't belong there. I rambled, as I usually did.

McGonagall told me to skip dinner and lead me to Gryffindor tower. Yep, I'm a Gryffindor. How typical, no? I always thought I'd be a Ravenclaw.

"You're lucky Mr. Kerr found you, Ms. Corden," McGonagall told me after giving me the password (it's 'Grindylow' by the way).

"Shaun Kerr?" I asked. McGonagall nodded.

Shaun was my best friend in high school, I hadn't seen him since because he had moved to Portland straight away after graduation. If it really is my Shaun then I suppose it'll make this a little bit better, that is assuming we're friend in this reality too ... I wonder what house he's in ... Ravenclaw, probably. He was our school's valedictorian, after all.

That's not even all of it! Guess who's my roommate, seriously guess. It's so predictable it's not even funny. Lily Evans! Yeah, Harry Potter's mom. This is how I figured out that not only had I somehow jumped into one of my favorite book series but that I had also gone back in time in the process.

"There you are!" said Lily when she entered the room, two other girls entering behing her. "I was worried about you. You left the Great Hall in such a hurry, but you really mustn't listen to any of those Slytherins, you'll surely go mad if you do."

A) I had no idea about what she was talking about, and B) I was already going mad without the help of some Slytherin idiots.

"I'm alright. I mean, I am now, apparently I ran into a wall." It wasn't until then that I noticed I had a hint of an accent when I spoke. It sounded English but it was still dominantly American.

My other roommates noticed it too. "Are you sure you're okay?" the petite one with dark blonde hair and hazel eyes asked me. She was very pretty and as I looked at her I could feel my self-esteem drop a couple of notches.

"Yeah," the other said, "You're speaking rather oddly." This one was a brunette with brown eyes. She too was very pretty, taller than the rest of us but still slender with nice curves. Yet again, my self-esteem took a hit. This girl also had a hint of another accent in her voice, a bit Irish but mostly English.

"I don't know why," was the only response I could manage. I said it with a shrug.

Lily sat on my bed and patted my back. This was as real as my breast were small, which means that it's pretty real. When her hand touched me, it felt like when my mom or anyone else would pat my back not like when you dream getting touched or hit or anything. This was real and this is what scared me. I looked at her and smiled and when I did, I felt a sort of excitement.

Holy shit I have magical abilities! I thought, the voice in my head was giddy beyond belief. I can do so many things some only dream about doing now!

"It's late and there are classes tomorrow, we should get some sleep," said Lily to all of us. "You can talk to me about it tomorrow at breakfast if you'd like." she said to only me before going off to her own bed. I nodded even though I had no idea what she was talking about.

They all fell asleep quickly, probably exhausted by the trip and the festivities. Aw, I didn't get to go on the Hogwarts Express ... well, I guess I did but I can't remember it. Who am I even friends with here? Is Lily a friend or is she just my roommate? I hope she's my friend, she's really nice. I think she is. I' was quickly getting sleepy ... I'd been writing for a while and it was probably midnight by the time I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I called it a night. Maybe when I woke up I'd be back in California. Who knows?


	2. Basket Case

**Chapter 2: Basket Case**

Okay, so I might have lied about not knowing how the hell I got here. I'm not that stupid, you know. I'm positive it was that necklace; that stupid timpul colier Tristan sold me. I'm sure of it because, as I said before, I can't find it anywhere. This morning after I dashed to the bathroom, unable to ignore my pathetically weak bladder, I searched through all of my belongings and didn't find it anywhere. I even tried a summoning charm but nothing. At first I though that perhaps it was just that I didn't have magical abilities but then I summoned my school robes and knew that wasn't it, the necklace just wasn't here.

But back to the magic bit. Wow. It was the most amazing sensation I had ever felt in my life! I could literally feel the magic rushing through my body up to the tips of my fingers to the wand, as if the wand was just a lightning rod to direct the magic. It was amazing and yet it felt like such a normal thing for me to do. I figured that it was perhaps whatever memories I had in this world trying to come back to me which wouldn't be such a bad thing, really. If I remembered it might make this whole first day a little better and a whole less awkward. Trust me, I find a way to make everything awkward even if I do it unintentionally.

I gave up with the stupid necklace. It clearly wasn't here, if it was in this world then it would probably be at home, wherever that happened to be. It was best to just go along with everything, try to appear normal, and have fun with it while I was here because even though I had woken up here I could have easily gone back to my crappy little apartment and to my crappy little monotonous life in California. No thank you.

"You're up early."

I looked in the direction of the voice to see my brunette dorm mate standing there, already changed and ready, putting the finishing touches to her hair. I would have though Lily was the early bird but by the looks of it she was still sound asleep.

I nodded. "What time is it?"

"Five," she said with a soft yawn. "Normally I'm not up this early but I've got to double-check my Divination essay and finish the conclusion. I should have listened to you when you told me to get it done early."

I nodded again, getting up with my robes balled up in my cradled arms. "I'll meet you down in there in a bit, alright?" I quietly called after her as she left the room for the common room.

This time when I went into the bathroom I actually noticed my reflection. Contrary to what my California friends might tell you, I am not a narcissist and do not look at my reflection every chance I get, if anything I avoid it at all cost. I'm not at all what you'd consider a confident young lady. But this time when I looked at my reflection, I didn't want to look away from it. I was still me but with some apparent (and pleasant) changes. Just so you get an idea of what I was expecting to see, that night when I fell asleep in front of the tv my hair was a frizzy mess of shoulder-length curls, I was flat chested, and a bit on the chubby side to put it mildly. Now, when I stared into the mirror, I still saw me but my hair wasn't curly, frizzy or brown it was smooth, long and pink! Yes, pink! Pepto Bismol pink and I had bangs. My nose was slightly smaller and my lips fuller but my eyes were still the same dark brown they had always been. My skin was a lighter tan but still held the same sort of faint tan glow it did before. I was a tiny bit taller and a lot thinner - in retrospect, I should have noticed that when I was peeing since my thighs were significantly smaller. The best thing I found though was that I had breast. Honestly, I still can't figure out how I didn't realize that sooner. They weren't much, perhaps a small B cup, but after living twenty-one years as the "titless wonder" even something as minimal as a B-cup is enough to make me euphoric.

This new appearance would certainly make this situation a bit more comfortable. I would be able to concentrate on my school work rather than stress about my numerous imperfections and trying to hide them from the world like I did all through high school. I wasn't anywhere near perfection yet but compared to the utter trainwreck I was before, I'd say I was perfect. My school robes helped a lot as well; scarlet and gold were definitely my colors.

"That was quick," my dormmate noted as I sat on the floor beside her. "That must've been quite a hit. I don't think I've ever seen you ready at such an early hour, especially on a Monday."

"What hit?" I asked, pulling out my own essay. It was in my handwriting and by the looks of it, very nicely done.

"The Bludger," she prompted. "Oh stop fooling around, Mel, of course you remember! Friday afternoon at Quidditch trials, that little second year .. what's his name? Gavin? Yeah, well, poor little bloke could hardly hold up his bat and he hit you on the head. You were in the Hospital Wing until yesterday afternoon." When she saw my expression had not changed at all she asked, "Do you really not remember?"

I shook my head. On the bright side, I had an excuse for my odd behavior and forgetfulness now.

"Do you remember anything at all?" she asked, her expression becoming more and more worried as the seconds passed.

I shook my head again. "Not really. I only remember a little from yesterday when I was screaming in the corridor and when I went to go see the headmaster. I remember certain things like my name and my family but not much." I had been peaking over to see the name written at the top of the parchment, so that maybe if I told her I remembered her she wouldn't be as worried. "I know that your name is River Agaia."

The corners of her lips lifted a bit but not as much as I would have wanted. "Do you think you'll be okay for classes today. I could always tell Madame Pomfrey to excuse you for a couple of days, until your memory is completely back."

"As tempting as that offer sounds," I said, trying to make her smile, "I think I'll rough it out. I do remember some spells and information, I think that should be enough to get me along for a while."

The anxiety quickly left River when I begun to "help" her finish her paper. In this case, help being having her read my conclusion several times then writing one eerily similar to it with a different choice of words. This was the least I could do considering it was the only possible way I could help her. Besides, she was very grateful for it and was looking quite cheerful when she finished.

"Thanks, Mel, you were a huge help," she said, neatly putting her essay in her book bag. "What do you say we go check up on the other two? They should be up by now."

Lily was awake and ready when we re-entered our dorm but the pretty blonde was still half asleep even though half of her bedsheets and pillows were on the floor and her body was hanging off the edge of the bed. She rolled her eyes as she saw through her upright mirror that River was tip-toeing towards the girl with a devious expression on her delicate, fine-featured face. Then suddenly River jumped on the bed with such a force that sent the blonde tumbling to the hard floor.

"Hazel!" she sang. "Wake up you daft cow or you'll miss breakfast! It's the most important meal of the day, you know."

The blonde - now identified as Hazel - sat up rubbing the back of her head and wearing a murderous expression on her pretty yet groggy face.

"Cow?! You're one to talk!" she exclaimed with a pained groan. "Happy now? I'm awake."

"Very," said River with a grin, still bouncing on Hazel's bed.

Hazel had now gathered her robes and toiletries and was headed towards the bathroom. "I despise your cheery disposition in the morning," she muttered darkly. "Why can't you be grouchy and unpleasant like normal people?"

Lily, sitting on my bed beside me, laughed.

"Admit you love it, dear, sweet Hazelnut!" River called once Hazel had slammed the bathroom door in her face.

When she came back out, Hazel was in a much better mood or at least she wasn't as grumpy. As we made our way to the Great Hall, River took it upon herself to inform the other two girls on the status of my injury. An injury, I reminded them, that I couldn't remember. Hazel didn't seem too worried about it, especially after I forgot to miss the vanishing step, tripped and laughed after I fell down. She was the only one who seemed to believe I'd get my memory back soon. I hoped I would and River and Lily though it was best if I went back to Madame Pomfrey. I stubbornly told them I would be attending classes as I normally did and would only go to the Hospital Wing if I really felt I needed to.

In the Great Hall all eyes were on me as soon as we stepped through the doors. When I say all eyes, I literally mean everybody. The teachers, however, quickly went back to their breakfast and light morning conversations. My peers continued staring, even one we begun walking toward the Gryffindor table again. I couldn't understand their expressions. Some looked revolted, others impressed, some looked at me like I had just escaped the nut house. Was it because of the previous night?

Lily was not paying attention to the stares instead she was mumbling obscenities under her breath as she surreptitiously switched sides with River so that she wouldn't have to sit to the over-enthusiastic boy beckoning for her to take the empty spot beside him. The boy had untidy black hair, pretty hazel eyes and glasses. His skin was pale but sort of tan, very similar to mine. It had to be James Potter.

Trying to be a good friend, I gently pulled Lily over to me, both of us sitting besides the other black haired boy while River and Hazel sat across from us. James pouted but Lily ignored him.

"Why was everyone staring at me a moment ago?" I asked Lily in a whisper.

"Last night. Don't you remember?" I shook my head. "Burton Bainbridge: the reason you stormed out. Normally, I'd think that giving someone a bloody nose would be a bit harsh but he deserved it for calling you ... a -"

"A what?"

Hazel who had been listening to our hushed conversation abruptly answered, "A lezzer ... only not so nicely put."

How original! I can't begin to tell you how many times I heard that in high school but I never punched anyone in the nose for it. In truth, I'd always been a very passive person. People would insult me then as soon as I got home I'd run up to my room and cry my eyes out about it for a good couple of hours. I learned to hold back the tears because it was always worse when they saw me cry. It was like I was my complete polar opposite here and I was definitely liking it.

"A right git, he is," added River, "but it's to be expected. Ever since you turned 'im down last year he's been bitter. Takes every opportunity he can to try to hurt your feelings."

"Personally, I thought it was brilliant," said James. I found it strange that he hadn't spoken since we arrived. It was probably because he had yet again been snubbed by Lily and was trying to avoid getting hexed so early in the morning. "Though I thought you'd do more damage."

"Thanks," I mumbled taking a bite out of my toast.

I turned towards the Slytherin table—he just had to be in Slytherin. Sure enough there was a boy with better-than-you presence looking at me vindictively through a mess of stiff dirty blonde hair. Without thinking, I shot him a mocking smirk before turning back to my breakfast.

"No wonder I shot him down, he's hideous."

I didn't know I had said that aloud until the boy beside me begun to laugh a sort of barking laugh. "I'm glad you think so."

The boy, automatically recognized as Sirius Black, smiled down at me with a half smirk. The books most certainly did not lie. When it said that the boy was attractive, he most certainly was. He looked so much like what I had pictured Edward Cullen (upon reading the books waaay before the movie totally disapointed me) would be but with black hair and beautiful gray eyes that I couldn't stop staring at. He, like James and I, was also slightly tan. It must've been because we all played Quidditch. By the looks of him, he was tall and lanky but still pleasantly muscular with a childish but aristocratic face. Very handsome, indeed, and yet I didn't find myself drooling! What a miracle.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, the smirk still present.

I shrugged. "Fine. I've forgotten a lot but I think I'm okay." Extra emphasis on the 'I.'

He chuckled, shaking his head and I blushed, looking away to hide it. James was staring at Lily while Peter was chattering on about how well he had done at trials, Hazel and Lily were talking about the Potions assignment I had "helped" River with earlier, and River was picking at the small bowl of fruit in front of her while occasionally looking over at Peter and smiling.

"James?" He looked over at me with a look of infinite gratitude for getting Peter to shut up. I tried my best not to laugh. "Speaking of Quidditch, did we complete trials?"

He nodded. "Yeah, Sirius and I found a really good third year to replace Renshaw as Keeper, Cyril Graham. I hope you don't mind that we put ourselves on the team again this year."

Did I mention I was the Captain of the team? I hadn't noticed it until my little Captain pin fell off when I tripped on the stairs. I didn't know why, I didn't even know how I had made it on the team being deathly afraid of heights but as long as I was Captain, I might as well act like it. Still, I had a feeling that James would make a much better one than me. "Of course not, you two are brilliant!" Not that I really knew that but I could confidently assume they were. "Have you got the list up yet?"

He shook his head. "It'll be up before lunch."

River had finally stopped playing with her fruit and instead was looking around the table as if looking for someone. "Hey, Peter, where's Remus?" she wondered, leaning back to look at the boy next to James who was stuffing his face with vanilla pudding. "I though he was supposed to be back today."

"He should be back this afternoon, I think," said Peter after swallowing the mouthful of creamy goo with a loud gulp.

"Poor Mrs. Lupin, she's ill so much of the time. It seems as though he's gone at least once every month to look after her. Unlucky, really. I mean, he also has to put up with that stupid rabbit of his," commented Hazel.

Lily smiled as if she knew something the other girls didn't know. The other boys shared the same expression. I knew what it was they were keeping from the girls, as well as the rest of the student population, but whether or not they knew I knew I was unsure about so I thought it best to keep my expression neutral.

"The timing was especially unfortunate but at least, he gave you his paper," said Lily. "You do have his paper, right?"

I quickly looked in my bag. Sure enough there besides my own was a roll of parchment with the name Remus Lupin written at the top. For a boy, his handwriting was quite neat.

"Got it."

We were all just about to get up and head to our first class—Transfiguration, according to Sirius—when an owl came swooping down, dropping a small scroll into my lap.

"A little late for post, isn't it?" asked River.

I shrugged, opening the small bit of parchment. It was a note from Dumbledore.

Ms. Corden,

I would like you to meet me in my office today after breakfast. I have already spoken to Professor McGonagall and she is fine with you missing her lesson so long as you receive notes from one of your friends which I am sure will not be a problem. I hope you are feeling well.

— Albus Dumbledore

P.S. I enjoy Lemon Drops.

"What is it?" asked Sirius, trying to look at the note over my shoulder.

"I've got to do see the Headmaster. Duplicate your notes for me, yeah?" I said as I got up, swinging my rucksack over my shoulder.

Lily nodded.

As I sat in Dumbledore's office I was secretly hoping I wouldn't become to familiar with this place. Not that Dumbledore wasn't awesome or anything but for all intents and purposes he was the Headmaster and going to his office to often would imply that I was a troublemaker and I wasn't.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I called you here, Ms. Corden."

"Has this anything to do with my visit yesterday?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, it does," he said placidly. "If I recall correctly, yesterday evening you told Professor McGonagall and I that you didn't belong here. You also begun to ramble about this being a fictional place—" Oh yeah, I had forgotten about that. "Now fictional, it most certainly is not, as you very well can see, but I was hoping you could further elaborate what you were trying to tell me yesterday."

"The truth?" I sighed as he nodded. "You're going to think I'm crazy."

After he assured me he wouldn't, I went on to tell him everything that had happened yesterday. I told him about Tristan, about the necklace, how Tristan's mom got the necklace. Every detail from the previous day was said and Dumbledore simply listened. I could tell he found it interesting because he was really listening, not just waiting for me to finish.

"Extraordinary. So you come from America approximately thirty years in the future?"

"Yes and before this morning I was cent percent sure I was a Muggle."

"Certainly. Though it still does not explain why you thought this was all fictional. Care to explain?"

This time I was a bit more hesitant. How could you possibly tell someone who was sitting right in front of you that they didn't exist, that they were the product of some British woman's imagination? His gaze as serene, as it was, still made me feel horrible for even considering keeping the entire truth from him. "You see, sir, where I come from all of this—" I said waving my arms above my head in a sort of circular motion "—doesn't exist. I don't mean because I was a Muggle, I mean because this place and everyone in it, including yourself, was part of a very popular book series which I happened to be fascinated with. I'm sure this sounds crazy that the rest of what I've told you but it's all true. I know so many things about so many people, about this world that no one else does. However my knowledge of this world is more focused on the future of this world than it is on the present. I just don't know why I'm here."

Dumbledore remained quiet for a moment, nodding to himself every once in a while then finally spoke again. "Remain assured, Ms. Corden, that I completely believe every word you have told me but surely you must realize your purpose here." I shook my head, feeling quite stupid. "As you said, you know the future and know things that others don't, perhaps you are here because you alone can change that which you believe did not turn out as it should have."

"I can't! What if I try to change something but that only leads to it or it's even worse that it was?"

"Then that is the way things were meant to be. It is highly unlikely that this—your sudden appearance— was simply an accidental occurance."

"Yes, sir." I didn't know what else to say then, I was too busy taking in what he was saying. It made sense when he said it but when I though of myself saving the wizarding world I couldn't help but find it comical. I was a coward, not to mention my knowledge was very limited. And I wasn't Harry Potter.

"Excuse my curiosity, but I must ask what you know that most others do not?"

Wow. So didn't see that coming.

I winced a little at the question. Too much, I would have said. "I'm not sure I should say."

"Please, I'd like to know how far your knowledge goes," he encouraged.

"Well, I know a lot more than I should. For instance, I know Tom Riddle's history, his heritage, I know about the day you delivered him his Hogwarts letter," I paused but Dumbledore nodded and beckoned for me to continue. I was more hesitant this time, seeing him almost wince at the mention of his dead sister. "Regarding the future, I know who dies, who's murdered, who betrays. I know a lot, sir."

"Extraordinary," he repeated, staring at me with awe that suggested he really hadn't believed me at first. "You may return to your common room, Ms. Corden, I believe you have a free period after Transfiguration?"

I nodded though heasitatly inquired, "But, sir, don't you want to know ... more?"

He shook his head, leading me to the door. "You have my trust and I am sure that that which you chose to change is for the best but be wise with those choices."

"Is this something I should tell my friends, sir."

"It is hardly my choice to make. When you believe the time is right ..."

With that I was off to the common room. Not being able to tell Lily and the others what I knew would be difficult. I would have to lie to them, pretend, start over completely. I didn't like lying, although I did it enough as it was. What was certain was that I must not get too attached to this place since my time in it could easily end but if I was to make significant changes it would have to take a while. How long?

* * *

**A/N: I will be updating a minimum of 2 chapters daily and this fic is chapter is 34 chapters long so the whole thing will be up relatively soon.**


	3. Knock 'Em Out

**Chapter 3: Knock 'Em Out**

When I returned to the common room the Marauders were already there waiting for me. Lily had ancient runes that hour and Hazel and River were in the library, I guess comparing their Potions papers. Sirius was the first to get up and walk toward me when I entered followed by James then Peter.

"What did Dumbledore call you in for?"

My first deliberate lie. "Bainbridge," I said quickly. "He didn't really address it last night but everything is fine and dandy, I'm off with a warning."

James shook his head in disbelief, chuckling. "Only you could get away with something by shooting them a smile and a compliment. Had that been any of us we would have been in detention for weeks."

A smile and a compliment? Hardly. But it was nice that not only was I clever and sneaky but able to get away with it unscathed as well. Then again, I was a girl and all girls, even those as self-conscious as myself, have a certain charm about them that exudes innocence even when caught doing something red-handed. That was one of the few perks of being a girl. In my opinion, we bloody well deserved it since we had to deal with cramps every month then eventually shoving a 6-9 pound body out of a teeny tiny hole between our thighs (as gross as I'm sure I've made that sound).

"That took an entire hour?" asked Peter skeptically. For such a seemingly oblivious boy, Peter was turning out to be quite logical, not to mention observant. I was surprised the other two hadn't pointed that out.

My teeth begun digging deep into the corner of my bottom lip. "Well..." I begun slowly, "Bainbridge was only a part of it, Pete. Dumbledore also wanted to know how I was feeling. I told him that I was well enough to go to classes and you know how I ramble at times ..."

Wait, maybe they didn't. Maybe here I was really articulate. Shit. But before I could properly begin to panic he shrugged as if in agreement and the other boys nodded.

"Good then," said James, taking a folded piece of parchment from his back pocket. "Shall we get started?"

After an hour of unsuccessful prank brainstorming, we gathered our things and headed down to the dungeons for Slughorn's class. The only reason the brainstorming didn't work out was because we went off on a tangent about Quidditch after James posted the list. He and Sirius begun talking strategy as Peter eagerly agreed with them and I listened carefully. When they asked for my opinion I'd simply repeat what they had said, as if I was agreeing with them. They did have more experience after all. It was fun and surprisingly I didn't feel like I had to struggle to remain part of the conversation. In fact, all three of them went out of their way to include me when they noticed I was being left behind.

On our way down the stairs I tripped, yet again missing the vanishing step and laughed even though the fall had been slightly more painful than the previous. Had Sirius not caught me I'm sure it would have been much, much worse. It was then when we met up with River and Hazel who approached us skipping cheerily.

"Sorry we ditched you, Mel," apologized River. "I would have gone up to the common room had it not been for Hazel playing creepy stalker girl, following Shaun Kerr all over the library."

I laughed as did the others. Hazel blushed and playfully smacked River on the back of the head. "I am not a stalker!" she defended. "It was pure coincidence that we both happened to be looking in the same sections."

"Yes, pure coincidence," said River sarcastically, "Which is exactly why you were running across the library, having me keep watch of where he went."

Hazel's blush deepened but she said nothing more. I patted her back, reassuringly. God knows, I've done the same as her on various occasions. "I didn't know you liked Shaun. I could talk to him for you, if you'd like. I haven't talked to him in ages but he did sort of save me last night." I winced remembering how my head had felt after I ran into the wall. Most painful shit ever.

Her face immediately brightened. "I forgot you knew him! Thanks, Mel, that's so sweet of you!"

"Hey, what are friends for?"

"The female ones for snogging, the male ones for causing mischief," said Sirius, as if reciting it from a textbook. "Except for you, of course, you're good for snogging and mischief."

I rolled my eyes. Peter was laughing hysterically but James expression reflected mine. He looked at me and shrugged in a sort of "he's a git but I love him" way. I couldn't agree more.

Lily was waiting, perfectly seated at the end of the table at the very front of the room, right by Slughorn's desk. Ah, yes, how could I have forgotten? Lily was Slughorn's favorite. Beside her there were three empty seats, River, Hazel and I took them while the boys took the table behind us. This clearly upset Lily because even before class begun, James was throwing tiny bits of parchment at her with animated hearts and "J+L" scribbled onto them. At least his efforts weren't completely in vain, I could have sworn I saw the hint of a smile on Lily's lips after the third one. Besides, they were going to be together anyway and if I had anything to do with it, faster than scheduled. My first mission was set: get Lily and James together before the end of the school year ... or better yet, before Valentine's Day. I was a genius. Not only would that not screw up the future but it would bring happiness to all ... wouldn't it?

"What are you smiling about?" asked Lily, eyeing me suspiciously.

"Nothing," I said but she didn't look convinced. "Remus is coming back today," I added remembering the brief conversation at breakfast and I was actually very excited about meeting him, he had been my favorite character in the series hands down ... well, second favorite. Hermione was always my favorite but that was just because I had always found us eerily similar up until high school when I became lazy and stopped caring about my school work, hence community college and not Berkley. Insert annoyed sigh here.

Lily smiled. It was a sketchy smile, like she knew something I didn't. "Of course."

I was sure she would have said something more had Slughorn not walked in that instant. Wow, he really did look like a walrus!

"Now then," said Slughorn, "Essays out. No last minute adjustments, Vane!" he called to an attractive yet scowling, dark haired Slytherin sitting at the table closest to the door. "Pass them up."

"Here you are, professor," said Lily, handing him her rolled up parchment.

Slughorn smiled. "I look forward to reading it, Ms. Evans and yours as well, Ms. Corden. You two never seem to disappoint me," then he looked at me with a second-thought sort of look and added "well, academically, at least."

I couldn't help but laugh as I handed him both rolls of parchments. "Remus wanted me to turn his in," I explained.

"Yes, of course. Let's hope your tutoring has helped Mr. Lupin."

Me tutor Remus John Lupin?Moi? Shouldn't it have been the other way around? Well, everything seemed to be all topsy turvy in this place so it should have been expected, I suppose.

It was scary how all of this magic stuff seemed to come naturally to me. For example, I expected to be dreadful at potions even though we coincidentally happened to be making the Draught of Living Death. I vaguely remembered the little side notes from the Half-Blood Prince which is probably why it turned out so well. In the end, only Lily, Severus Snape and I managed to make nearly perfect potions. When he had congratulated Snape on his successful attempt I couldn't help but turn around. He was sitting in front of the attractive boy from the start of class, Andros Vane, his name was. Snape shot me a glare as I looked at him and I must have deserved it if I hung around the Marauders but I didn't want to be mean to him so in response I shot him the most sincere smile I could muster. I obviously puzzled him as my reaction made him quickly turn away.

After Potions, the rest of the day flew by in a whirl of exciting lesson durring which I wrote down so many notes that by the end of it, I though my hand would surely snap from my wrist. I couldn't help it, though. If I was apparently brilliant at all this stuff, I had to get up to speed so that people wouldn't think I was suddenly stupid. Besides, absolutely everything seemed so fascinating to me. My hand did get a small break during lunch which was spent congratulating fellow Gryffindors that made the team when they came up to me and James to thank us for placing them on the team. It felt good being responsible for the happiness of others, as cheesy as that sounds. And Remus didn't come back that day as Peter had said but rather the next day.

In between that time I had fallen into a pleasant sleep, that is until this woke me up:

I dreamt of a place I was certain I had never been to in my life and yet the feeling inside me as I looked at my surroundings was one of warmth and familiarity. I watched myself throughout. It begun with a laugher filled stroll by something my mind labeled only as 'the Cliffs' only it didn't look like the Cliffs I was familiar with. The moon was full and lit the way for me and the three others who accompanied me: two boys and a girl, all my age. The tallest and skinniest of the two boys wore a black cape and silver mask and I wore a costume as well but the other two wore normal clothes merely calling it a costume. It was Halloween. I was giddy, giggling at some muted joke with the other girl as I skipped and jumped and danced around before moving to the front of the group and pirouetting so fast that the very short and fluffy skirt of my powder blue dress flew up revealing lace pink underwear. I wasn't embarrassed at all, I merely laughed madly and casually fell back into my conversation with the girl, my friend Sammy.

The scene then sped up, passing several hours revealing that we had fallen asleep atop some rectangular hunk of concrete awkwardly placed near the very edge of the cliffs which now looked like they were supposed to, not all green and Scottish as they had moments before. The sun peaking out from under the dark ocean waves painting the star-scattered sky with oranges and pinks and the sounds of the passing cars on the road that separated the houses from the cliff edge woke us all up. My forcefully heat-straightened hair was a mess and my elaborate eye decorations were horribly smeared. The others were still asleep around me but I got up and walked closer to the edge, closing my eyes as I inhaled the scent of the ocean I was so familiar with and had grown to love. But I didn't notice just how loose the ground beneath my feet was and as I leaned slightly forward in broke sending me hurdling towards the fierce morning waves and the sharp rocks the crashed against. I fell ... I fell ... I fell ... Then CRACK!

I woke with a start the second I 'heard' the crack (I sort of felt it too). I was covered in cold sweat and shivering uncontrollably. I was sweating so much that I didn't even realize I was crying until the lights came on and River and Hazel and Lily rushed to me, asking if I was all right. I didn't know how to answer it honestly so I gave them a noncommittal grunt and climbed back under the covers. Mostly I just wanted them to go back to sleep.

I can't be certain what the dream meant or if it meant anything at all only that iI knew it to be a memory of my junior year of high school. So vivid and real. I had not fallen in real life as I did in the dream otherwise I don't think I'd still be here telling you all of this. Perhaps they were symbolic? A dream personifying something within me? Maybe a part of my personality or something I pushed to the back of my head before my accident, before my arrival here, that was bursting to get out? A memory ... A dream ...

Maybe it was just that. Maybe I should just let it go. Maybe ...

Naturally because I woke up from my dreams at 2 am, I got up later than usual. Later than everyone else too, unfortunately. They wouldn't have waited for me if they knew doing so would make them late as well and I'm sure they had tried to wake me. When I opened my eyes the room was empty and the clock read 8:30 so I hopped out of bed and like a hurricane made my way around the dorm looking for my books and things, got ready and sped down to the Great Hall. I didn't even get a chance to do my hair, just sort of brushed it flat and clipped a plastic red poppy by my ear.

All I had to eat was some buttered toast and a glass of orange juice before I had to run again.

I was late to Transfiguration and McGonagall was seriously angry with me because it was apparently the first time in all my years at school that I had been late to her class but because of that very same reason was that she chose not to punish me or take points away from Gryffindor.

Because I was late my usual seat by Hazel was taken by a bored-looking Slytherin, whose name I don't know, and I couldn't sit next to River either because she sat next to Merrick Tullis (my best Chaser, according to Hazel). Sirius sat besides James toward the front and Peter sat besides who I assumed was Remus at the desk directly behind them. Lily sat next to Mary MacDonald (another of our roommates who I had, for some mysterious reason, not yet met). So what should my fabulous luck be that the only empty seat left in the entire room lied between a scowling Burton Bainbridge and a smirking Andros Vane. Who is Andros Vane, you may ask? At this point I had no clue, all I knew was that the very sight of him made me sick. As he smirked at me in a way that I deducted to be an attempt at charming and seductive, I could feel my stomach churning and the food and bile rising in my throat but I took my seat and tried my best to ignore both boys throughout the class. Easier said than done, I must say.

Bainbridge wouldn't stop scowling at me and would sometimes even hiss at me, which I found quite comical, and Vane kept touching my leg under my robes. What infuriated me the most was that my body seemed to welcome his touch and he was well aware of this. Vane's hand slowly went up and up until it was at the lace trimming of my knickers and still kept inching higher.

"Professor McGonagall!" I called out interrupting her mid-sentence as I scoot my screeching chair away from Vane. "May I switch seats, please?"

"Is there a problem, Ms. Corden?" she asked irritably.

"Oh no, not at all," I began sarcastically, "but I'm sure I'd be able to focus better if I were not being sexually harassed by Andros." I jerked my head towards the boy. He was staring at me with both admiration and hatred.

"Vane, detention!" McGonagall snapped. "Mr. Tullis, if you could please give Ms. Corden your seat?"

I scooped my books into my arms and just as I was going to rise from my chair, Vane leaned over and whispered, "Don't pretend you didn't love it."

"Touch me again and I'll shove your junk down your throat," I growled.

"You'd like it better down yours," he shot back in singsong no less.

Andros Vane is a pig.

Andros Vane is a pervert.

Andros Vane is my ex-boyfriend.

Neither River nor Hazel knows exactly how we or why we initially got together only that our break up was messy, emotional, and that in the end I had sent his bloody and broken body to the Hospital Wing on an enchanted stretcher. They say he underestimated what I could do to him and that he especially underestimated my physical strength. Hazel said that she didn't really blame me for falling for him because he was gorgeous despite his being an asshole. This is true. William Vane has beauty that would make even the most beautiful of veelas pale in comparison. No joke. He has these really big hazel eyes framed by eyelashes so dark it almost looked like he was wearing eyeliner and chestnut hair that falls just above his shoulders and is always elegantly disheveled. His lips are pleasantly full and his pale skin creates a lovely contrast with his dark hair. He is tall and thin but still muscular with broad shoulders and even I had to admit that his smile was breathtaking, though my high opinion of his appearance may just be leftover feelings from when we dated. We broke up only last year after a two year relationship. Why? Nobody knows.

After class, Andros was waiting for me, leaning beside the doorway nonchalantly. I walked between River and Hazel but that didn't stop him from pulling me away from them and trying to continue the molestation he had begun in class. He gripped my bottom with both hands pressing me tightly against him and pressed his lips against mine.

My body did not respond in any way I would have found beneficial. I found myself parting my lips to allow his tongue entrance into my mouth and moaning into the kiss, all the while asking myself why on earth I would ever break up with such a great kisser.

"I missed those lips of your so much, kitten," he murmured. "What do you say we get them reacquainted with ... me during our free period?"

Selfish Pig.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

The alarm sounded in my brain as it processed his words. It figured that I must have broken up with him because he only wanted me to pleasure him in ways he couldn't on his own. But why only me? Were there no other girls that would be willing to put their mouths all over his body or did he just like to exasperate the hell out of me?

I literally peeled myself off of him and slapped him hard across the face. Backhanded, mind.

"You didn't seem to mind me so much just a couple of seconds ago when my tongue was halfway down your throat or earlier when ..." he trailed off smirking.

"Take advantage of me again and I will castrate you."

"You seem to have a preoccupation with my more intimate regions."

"And you seem to have a knack of swooping in when you know I'm vulnerable," I snap at him, slapping him hard yet again for good measure. "Who told you about the fall?"

He laughed. "Everyone knows about the fall, kitten. You'd think such an ace Beater would be able to keep such big balls away from her face."

I grit my teeth and roughly pull him by his collar. "You know I can't remember. Who told you?"

But he didn't need to answer. His eyes darted to Bainbridge who I hadn't noticed was standing there the whole time.

Pushing him back I said, "I'd break your face if it wasn't so nice to look at now and again."

That comment made him grin widely, revealing his white and perfectly straight teeth, and he replied, "You wouldn't turn down my offer if you remembered how big my—"

I cut him off with another slap and stomped off in the opposite direction just as a pack of second years begin filing in to the classroom.

Note: Remember Andros Vane is a womanizing pig before, not after, kissing him. Better yet, don't go within a 50 foot radius of him from hereon in.

I was sure anyone could spot me from a mile away, not only because of my bright hair because I was significantly taller than the majority of second years despite my smallish stature. I had also been told I bounced with every step so that was bound to get me noticed as well. My guy friends had not come swooping in to the rescue because they had gone off in another direction (this direction) when class ended. My hair kept getting in my face and I could smell Hazel's strawberry shampoo I had borrowed. Great, now I was a walking talking strawberry shortcake doll too.

When I rounded the corner I saw a boy very similar to Andros in height and body type leaning against the wall. When I rounded the corner my mind automatically recognized this boy as Remus Lupin, and he looked up at that very moment, smiling at me. He took two long strides to close the space between us and took my bag.

"Thanks, Moony," I sighed, giving him a half smile and getting on my toes to kiss his cheek and hug him. He was my favorite character from the series after all. I had quickly figured out that I was the only one apart from the Marauders that called him by that particular nickname. "All right, then?" My fingertips lingered on his face for a moment as I traced what seemed to be one of the newer scars. I'm certain he could tell how they puzzled me, how I couldn't figure out what they must have been doing with Remus to get such injuries all over his body. He could tell they worried me, but I wasn't sure if I was in the loop concerning his condition so I couldn't tell him they'd never frighten me.

"As good as can be expected," he said with a shrug.

"I'm glad." I could feel my half-smile become wider as we began walking towards the common room.

"So are you going to tell me what's made you upset?" he added. So I guess, my initial foul mood had not escaped him. "Other than being pestered by that prat." I giggled at his words. I would have never though Remus would speak ill of everyone but I suppose if we were friends he would have known how he hurt me.

"I woke up late which made me late for Transfiguration for the first time in my academic career and, as fate would have it, the only seat available was between Bainbridge and Vane." He winced at the names.

"No wonder she was in such a state."

"That's not even the worst of it! You know he kept touching me during class, the pig, you'd think he'd leave me alone afterward but no, of course not! After class, he pulls me away from River and Hazel, pins me to the wall and kisses me!" I groaned, burring my head in his chest. "You lot didn't see because you went off in another direction. The sickest part is that I let him, you know? What the bloody hell is wrong with me?"

His voice seemed tense as he spoke and I had felt him go rigid against me. "Nothing is wrong with you."

I looked up at him. For a moment he seemed distant and a little angry at whatever he was going through his mind. He looked seconds away from ripping something to shreds and I didn't want it to be me so I took a small step back asking him, "Are you okay?"

"Are you?" he countered.

I hadn't realize I had begun crying. I didn't even know why I was doing it, only that it must have had something to do with his injuries since I was still ghosting my fingers over the one on the exposed bit of his arm, a severe red, puckered cut trailing down from his elbow to his wrist. "I will be eventually," I sighed and then for some reason I felt like doing something totally random to make myself feel better. I grinned, took his hand and pirouetted. I hadn't giggled that was since I was in junior high. I hadn't been so happy since then either. "I have no idea why I just did that."

I laced my fingers with his because it felt like the thing I should do. It was weird, I seemed to be closer to him than to the other three but I couldn't quite understand why. I tried to think of reasons but being so close to him, finally being able to get a good look at him, I got distracted. Believe me when I say that Remus Lupin was not at all what I had expected. I had been lead to believe he was quite average-looking in his younger years since his popularity, like Peter's, appeared to be significantly lower than that of James and Sirius who each had hordes of stupid girls follow them about the castle. They were both very attractive, yes, but in a totally different way. Unlike his friends, Remus had something utterly childlike in his features. Whether it was due to his big amber eyes that seemed to sparkle even in the dimmest light or his slightly flushed cheeks I was uncertain of but it was there. There was such a look of fragility and yet something about his manner, as casual as it was, exuded maturity and authority. No, he was not handsome like James or Sirius but he was undeniably beautiful.

I hugged him again and when I pulled away and looked back up at him was surprised. It all happened faster than I could process it and before I knew it his lips were pressed against my own.


	4. New

**Chapter 4: New**

I was left completely confused. It had been the oddest day of my life hands down. I may not have had my memories but I think it's safe to say nothing could beat this.

It's not that I'm opposed to being kissed by ridiculously attractive young men every now and then but someone would have told me if I were dating my best mate. I guess it sort of makes sense, keeping it quiet and all and I can definitely see where the attraction lies with Remus. He's well fit and brilliant as well. Perfect boyfriend material but it caught me off guard. I guess that's the only reason I was startled by his move, because I was not warned by anyone and it was so sudden. I mean, I have amnesia not psychic abilities.

We were right outside the entrance to the common room when he pulled me aside, looked down at me as he pushed a strand of hair away from my face and then tentatively placed his hands at my hips. I should have seen it coming but I admit I didn't, not until his lips were actually pressed against mine. They were soft and he was gentile, it was sweet really now that I think about it but at the time I was just so confused. My eyes were open and my arms hung limply at my sides as I merely went through the motions waiting for him to pull away so that I could inquire of him what prompted such an affectionate gesture.

He seemed to gage my mood rather quickly and pulled away asking me what was wrong, to which I stupidly replied, "Why did you kiss me?"

He did not answer just looked somewhat terrified and very perplexed. I did not want him to be upset so then I quickly added, "It was lovely, I mean, you are a marvelous kisser ... a phenomenal kisser. Merlin, Remus ... nice boys don't kiss like that!"

I was rambling now quite idiotically and this seemed to ease him somewhat.

He smirked in a very cocky AndrosVane/Sirius Black way sort of way I would have thought impossible for him to achieve (and yet he had gone and perfected it. Oh God, my limbs turn to pudding just thinking about it). "Oh, yes they bloody do," he murmured attaching his lips to mine yet again. I admit this time I was a more active participant. A bit too enthusiastic as well.

"So d'you mind telling me what I did to deserve such excellent snogging?"

Now he looked at me as if I were slow. "Unless I'm mistaken, snogging is generally the sort of thing people often do when they are in a relationship."

Bloody hell.

"What exactly did you mean by 'relationship,'" I asked. "Was it in like boyfriend-girlfriend sort of dynamic? More than just friends? Or are we friends-with-benefits or something?"

"Yes, we're a couple," he breathed with a hint of desperation. He probably thought this made him look pathetic but I found it quite adorable. "How can you not remember that?"

Then a wave of heartbreakingly painful sadness came over me, so strong I feared I would crumble beneath its weight. "I really thought they would have told you ... I thought you would have known by now ... It was stupid of me not to say anything."

"No one tells me anything anymore," he sighed, somewhat angrily. He was annoyed by this fact but I could also tell he was seriously embarrassed. His face had gone all red in an instant and he couldn't look me to my face.

I would have mentioned it eventually. It was on my list (on everyones actually) of what to tell Remus once he got back, though it surprised me that the Marauders—who he saw on a daily basis despite his condition—had not said a word about it. Perhaps they thought it might affect him somehow though I couldn't really imagine it. I mean, wouldn't they think it important to let my boyfriend know I had gotten hurt in his absence? Though this reaffirmed my suspicion that they didn't know about this little thing between us. Regardless, I was Remus's best mates by the looks of it and he had the right to know ...

"Tell me what?"

I could tell he had been expecting something worse from the beginning and that what finally came out of my mouth was way off.

"Remus, there was an accident on Friday ... At trials I got hit in the head by a Bludger and fell off my broom," she explained, and I could see the tears forming in her eyes. "I can't remember anything before waking up in the hospital wing. I mean, I can remember people like you and everyone else and I remember class but memories, I just can't access them."

He scooped me back into his arms just as a couple of more tears begun to escape me. "I told you not to play but you never listen."

This made me chuckle. "Perhaps now I will. It makes sense, this thing between you and me. Every time someone mentioned you I perked up, just thinking I'd see you today made me so happy despite everything."

"I'm glad but I can't help but feel like I'd be taking advantage of you."

"Are you breaking up with me?" I said half-joking though the idea frightened me. I remembered him, but not the specifics of our friendship and yet I refused to let me go. This was weird maybe for me, and it made me begin to wonder if maybe bits of the personality I possessed her as opposed to the real world were beginning to seep into me.

"I should, at the very least until you get your memory back but I don't think I can," He sighed, making my heart skip a beat. "I should tell you nobody knows about this. They don't even know I see you as anything more than my best mate."

This was to be expected, someone like Remus was expected to be fantastic at keeping secrets.

"Is there anything else I should know about before we go on?"

I knew what it was, I just wanted him to tell me, but I could tell that he would hold it back until I 'remembered' it. This kind of pissed me off. I was all for his secrets and his desire to live a normal teenage existence despite his condition but part of me, if not all of me, had expected him to at least tell me that.

"No. It'll be hard to keep this a secret but we'll eventually be able to tell them."

He had turned towards the portrait of the Fat Lady but I took his hand to stop him. I wasn't ready to get back to our friends. Bitting my lip as I looked up at him, I dared to utter, "I think I'd like you to take advantage of me again."

Before he could respond I pulled him towards the small passageway behind a nearby tapestry. Leave it to Melody Corden to forget she was dating her best mate but remember her favorite snogging spots. Something about me would never change, no matter what dimension I found myself in.

It was harder to keep things a secret than I would have expected and after a week it seemed to already been taking a toll on us. I was more irritable and sleep deprived than ever from sneaking out when he was on Prefect duty and Remus was seriously pissy about how much Sirius seemed to flirt with me and how much (according to him) I flirted back.

"Golly, Lupin, how long have we been going out for?" I laughed, one free period when we were pressed against each other in a cramp broom cupboard near the kitchens.

"A little less than two weeks," he admitted, turning bright red.

"That's it? What have I only blossomed recently? Was I not as alluring before?" I joked, trailing kisses down his neck to his collarbone. I liked doing this because it made him grow and whimper in a very peculiar way that made my insides all flippy.

His hands were beneath my shirt but remained stationary at my hips. He was not as forward as me though just as enthusiastic. He liked knowing that I was okay with what he did and though I loved feeling him touch me, I had to admit I wasn't ready for anything more than my hips. I was (in my world at least) still a virgin and the prospect of losing it (even to someone as sweet and kind and gentile as Remus) still managed to freak me out. I was not good with pain, you see, which was why everything from sharp teeth to too-high heights terrified me.

"I've always thought you to be gorgeous," he admitted, "and I've fancied you for ages, but you were the one to make the first move."

"Oh really?" I was amused but not at all surprised. "Let me guess, I told you it was better just to get it over with so that any other kisses wouldn't be as awkward and—"

"that it was better to do it with me because we trusted each other and would be honest with each other about it," he completed as if he were reciting it. "You remember that?"

I shook my head, knowing that admitting no memories had returned to me upset him. "Sounds like something I'd say," I explained, giving a lighthearted shrug.

The truth was that I had said the same thing to my gay friend Connor back when he was still saying he was bi. He was well experienced by the time I mustered up the nerve to ask him how to teach me to kiss and felt pathetic doing so since I was seventeen and had never had a boyfriend. To be completely honest, had things with Tristan actually happened he would have been my first boyfriend ever. I had made out with others but at parties, very drunk and giggly, barely remembering them only a few seconds after they happened.

"When did it happen?"

"About third or fourth year," he replied. "I'd rather you remembered it, though."

So I stopped asking him questions about our past and tried to enjoy the present which admittedly was not at all hard to do.

"What took you so long then? I mean, didn't you at least suspect I felt the same?"

He looked at me wide-eyed. "No one ever knows what's going on in that head of your, you're ace at concealing your thoughts and emotions but when you finally let them out..."

"I explode?" I offered.

"Something like that," he chuckled. We were walking out of the library to dinner now, having spent pretty much the entire day together. "For instance, your aunt died last year about a week before term was over. You kept it bottled in for the longest time, or at least until your mother invited us over."

In that moment his words seemed to lose their volume, blurring into the background like they would in a film, and I saw it all happening before my eyes as if I was there.

I had stomped off in the direction of a nearby park, plopping into the seat of a vacant sing and begun digging my heels furiously into the sand beneath them. I clutched onto the chains so hard as if wanting them to draw blood from my palms. I didn't know that Remus had been following me until he sat on the ground in front of me, taking my hands in his.

"Why to people always think they can fix everything just by giving me things?" I rasped. I refused to look him in the eye, it was bad enough he knew this was bothering me. I didn't need him to see me so fragile. If I had learned anything from my father it was not exposing your weaknesses to the world.

I shook my hands loose of his grip and threw the crumpled bit of parchment I had been clutching over my head. "Did she ever help mum when dad would beat her? Or us when he'd 'Crucio' us until we were obedient to him? Did she ever hug me or tell me she cared for me? I don't want her fucking gold, none of it ... she should have shoved it up her ass on her deathbed, the bitch."

"I though you loved your aunt."

I scoffed. "She was tolerable in comparison to my father but I never loved her, not even close."

Then in that moment I really didn't care if Remus saw me at my weakest. It was fair. I knew everything about him, I knew all his fears and dreams and problems. I was only fair that I let him in to the mad world that was my mind every now and again. I let myself fall on top of him, into his always too-warm arms and let myself melt into him as I sobbed. I tried to focus more on the feel of him against me than on the painful hole in my chest and it helped a little, but not enough.

I pulled away from him and crawled toward a nearby batch of dry grass, collapsing onto it as soon as I felt its rough texture against my palms. I turned to look up at the dark, moonless sky and writhed around, letting out the loudest, deepest, longest scream I could. I had always had anger issues and screaming had always helped though it had always worried and frightened both of my parents. This was honesty at its purest, this was letting Remus in completely. After this moment there was no turning back. He would either accept me as I was or try to fix me only to later abandon me.

I found out soon enough.

He crawled to lay beside me, pulled me into him with one hand while with the other he stoked my hair but he let me scream without giving a single word of false worry or comfort. This was friendship at its purest. In that one moment I had lost any doubt I had and knew for the first time in my life that somebody truly loved me.

The memory had hit me with such force I feared I would collapse but Remus noticed when I begun to swoon and quickly steadied me. I looked up at him, not even trying to hold back the urge to cry, not even caring if anyone saw us like this in the middle of the corridor, and pulled him down into a kiss.

"I remember," I said against his lips. "Please never go. Promise you won't leave me."

Of course, in the moment I was totally dramatic and cinematic and wasn't really paying much attention to what I was saying. It was weird, almost as if someone else was saying them for me though I didn't disagree at all. I said them without understanding the gravity of what I truly meant by them or without remembering myself. But it had been instinctual and my entire body had relaxed into his when he replied, "I promise."

When we entered the Great Hall Remus had his arm wrapped around my shoulders but no one thought it was strange because apparently we always walked around like this, as if we were literally attached at the hip. It was creepy how out steps were in sync and how I never seemed to bump him with my weird hip swing as I walked. When I moved he moved and vice versa. Everyone but me seemed to be familiar with this, but having just discovered it I found it fascinating.

"So when were you planning on telling us that Vane cornered you?" asked James the second Remus and I sat down. It was annoying how James felt he had to play the role of big brother just because we had grown up together. I was sweet but it got really annoying really fast.

Oh yeah, I had forgotten all about that.

"I told Remus," I said. "It wasn't that big of a deal? I mean he got a little frisky, I admit, but I threatened him well enough, didn't I? He hasn't bothered me since."

"If I didn't know any better," began Sirius, "I'd say you liked it. I reckon you're seeing him again and just don't want to tell us"

I narrowed my eyes. "You may enjoy being molested but I certainly don't, Black. So I suggest you keep your mouth shut about things you don't know."

"So its pure coincidence that he walked in just a little after you and that your lips are swollen while his hair is all disheveled?"

I turned to look at Andros Vane taking a seat at the Slytherin table. He didn't notice me staring but he did indeed have his hair messier than usual, and his clothes seemed to have been thrown on in a hurry.

Remus rolled his eyes and said, "She was with me just now. Or did you forget she's tutoring me in Potions, Padfoot? She always bites her lip when she's studying, even you should know that's a nervous habit of hers."

"Yeah, well, I still think somethings up with that slimy git."

Beside Sirius, Hazel who had been paying close attention to the exchange laughed. "Honestly, Black you must be blind or have you not noticed that Remus's hair is just as, if not more, disheveled than Vane's and that his lips are as swollen as Melody's."

Damn Hazel and her observational skills. Maybe it wasn't so bad that they found out. Maybe it would make things a hell of a lot easier for us ... and maybe not.

It was James's turn to get all huffy. "Moony care to explain?"

I looked at him and he didn't seem ready to admit it, almost as if he were afraid of what James would do to him so I intervened, saving him as he had saved me. "So you're the only one who's allowed to ruffle your hair? Am I the only one allowed to bite my lip? These habits are not so uncommon, Jimmy."

He winced. I was the only one he let call him Jimmy but he hated it when I did it in front of everyone, especially Sirius. No matter what the situation was, calling James 'Jimmy' made Sirius snicker.

"Besides," I added, "you lot would know if something was up between us. Don't you think something like this would have happened a lot sooner if Remus fancied me. I mean, he's a bloke and you lot have a hard time containing yourselves."

"Cheers," said Hazel who had been for the longest time been pursued by Sirius until he finally gave up and moved on (back) to me, much to James and Remus's discontent.

Luckily, Lily came stomping in before we could take the discussion any further. This following event was the last determining factor in reaching a conclusion about James Potter. Analysis: Hopeless case. Despite all the times throughout the week telling him to back off the pranks and just try to be sweet to Lily it would seem he heard opposite because his childish antics only seemed to increase miserably when she was around.

It seemed that today, while Remus and I were ... elsewhere, James though Lily would enjoy his gift. He charmed these little birds to follow her around, dropping little pink hearts and glitter over her the entire day. I had thought Lily's reaction to this was a little over-the-top at first until I recalled everything else he had done for her throughout the week. It was nothing like the serenade with full orchestra at dinner last Thursday or the boatload of orchids he had sent her on Saturday. I think that maybe Saturday would have gone better had they actually been Lily's favorite flowers, the only reason he sent the orchids were because they were my favorite and I had used it in my example. Apparently he had missed the "my favorite" bit of the suggestion. But this, this was bearable compared to the rest of his stunts. Lily had just managed to add them up and was about to E. X. P. L. O. D. E.

The birds had stopped following her long before she even made it to the Great Hall, their charm having worn off.

James, who still didn't recognize the look on her face and was wearing his usual idiotic lovesick grin, stood and dashed towards her with open arms. "Did you like the birds, Evans?" he asked hopefully, absolutely no sarcasm in voice.

"Does it look like I liked those ruddy birds?!" she growled, shaking her hair fiercely with her hands. The glitter and hearts fell out all around them and onto James' robes.

Her hair which then resembled a mutilated nest of some sort only made her look more terrifying but James didn't notice it.

"You ... didn't like it?" his expression was almost enough to break every heart in the room who was paying attention to the scene. I almost went up there to beg Lily to go out with him for the sake of his poor, fragile emotions but you know, I didn't because I wanted to keep my limbs, thank you very much.

"NO!"

What shocked everyone was that there was no hexing and no further yelling. There was no laughter or tears or a trip to the Hospital Wing. After that Lily ran out back to Gryffindor Tower urging us not to follow her. Just like that Lily Evan's had finally cracked due to an overload of desperation and obsession/infatuation from James Potter. And James? Well, he looked pretty broken too. You see? This is why I didn't want to interfere with anything, I would have been happy to sit in the passenger's seat and watch things play out but noooo Dumbledore (more or less) told me that the future was in my hands and here I had to go and fuck it up this early on. Mind you it wasn't on a gigantic scale but if this wasn't fixed it sure as hell would be gigantic.

"Shit," I hissed, dashing towards the steps. "James, I'll talk to you in a sec, all right?" He nodded but Hazel and River both gave me questioning looks. "Stay here. I'll figure this out. I promise."

I had managed to take a couple of bread rolls from the table, knowing Lily would have a terrible night starving if she didn't get something down before she went to bed. She wasn't like me. Whenever I missed dinner, I'd just sneak down to the kitchens when everyone else was asleep and stay there chatting with the elves who I must admit I found disturbingly cheery though very accommodating and kind.

In our dormitory, Lily was sprawled out on her bed, sobbing into the flower-shaped pillow that I had supposedly given her for her thirteenth birthday. At that moment I couldn't understand why exactly she was crying, whether it was because she had cracked or because she didn't get James back for the birds. I knew I shouldn't have been there but when she had told us not to follow her, her expression had told me differently. Only me. Like she needed to talk to me alone.

I sat next to her, stroking her hair gently as her body went up and down with her erratic breathing and quiet sobs. "What is it, Lily? Surely the birds weren't all that bad, not after everything else James has done over the years."

She mumbled something into her pillow in response that I couldn't understand.

"What was that?"

When Lily pulled away from her pillow her eyes were already puffy and red and her cheeks were soaked. "I said that the birds didn't bother me, I actually liked them," she admitted, her voice small and her expression embarrassed.

"Then why didn't you—"

"And give him the satisfaction of knowing that after all these years I've finally broken? That I finally love him back?"

Should've seen it coming from a mile away, but I admit I really didn't.


	5. In the First Place

**Chapter 5: In the First Place**

There was a moment of unbearable silence before I was the one to break it.

"Lily, that's fantastic!" I exclaimed, unable to hold back a girlish squeal. I could feel my eyes brighten at the though of my first mission being only inches away from the finish line.

She shook her head roughly. "No, it isn't. As smart and talented and handsome and ... and fit..." she stopped, biting her lip to avoid the tangent she was evidently headed towards. "I'm not isupposed/i to feel this way for him, I'm supposed to hate him. I ishould/i hate him for making my life a living hell these past couple of years but I don't and that's what bothers me the most. Maybe—maybe if he wasn't such a git, maybe if he didn't try so hard ... maybe I'd consider him but ... What would people think if we suddenly started dating?"

They'd think, 'It's about bloody time!' But I chose to keep this comment to myself, instead I said, "They wouldn't think badly of you for it. This is really a matter of pride. Yeah, it must be that. I think you're too proud to admit your feeling for James publicly."

"Pride?" she scoffed, looking almost hurt by my assessment. "I am not proud."

"Yes, yes you are," I insisted, getting back on my feet so that she could see I was being completely serious. Checking every point I addressed on my fingers. "Look at the facts, Lils. You always have to be the best, have the best, and be absolutely perfect. It would ruin the image of Lily Evans if she was 'weak' enough to give in to someone as silly and troublesome as James Potter, no matter how 'smart and talented and handsome and fit...' he may happen to be, and we all know he is just as much as we know he's a complete git."

She sighed. I had caught her. "That's part of it," she allowed, wincing as if this confession wounded her, "but there's more to it." Before I could ask she answered my pending question. "It's mostly fear. I'm scared that people will assume I'm doing it out of pity or for the sake of what's left of my sanity, not because I really like him. Really, I'm terrified that if I do go out with him he may discover that I'm not as great as he's sized me up to be and he'd be disappointed; unimpressed. I wouldn't be able to take the rejection, not after I've finally begun to feel this way."

I said nothing but sat there thinking for a moment about everything she had confided in me. In the short amount of time I had been here I had grown very fond of Lily. I could still not remember even the tiniest shred of the past, of this life, so I did not know if our relationship—like the one I had with Remus seemed to be—was on a deeper level of trust and understanding than that I shared with others. Though judging by the way she opened up so willingly, I could say that was the case. Maybe I was just a better listener than anyone else. I mean, Hazel usually just agreed with whatever you said only rarely giving some valuable insight and River would bombard you with theories and analyzation, barely allowing a word in edgewise. They were brilliant girls, sweet and kind, they just didn't understand that good conversations meant the participation of all those involved.

"Promise me you won't tell him," she begged, clutching my hands with such a desperation that I couldn't even consider turning down her request. "I know he's practically your brother and that you love him dearly but please don't say a word."

"I won't." I meant it and from the smile that barely tugged at the corners of her lips I knew that she believed me.

She then huffed crossing her arms over her chest. She was pouting but in a playful way. "It's all your fault I've fallen for that prat."

"How so?"

"Your letters, the ones you send me twice a week every summer. The way you've always talked about him, described him when it's only the two of you ... The way he's protective of you and kind ... It's all your fault," she laughed, her voice somehow full of appreciation.

I smiled as I leaned down to give her a one-armed hug. "Everything will work out, Lils, trust me."

"I always have."

When I went back down to the Common Room River and Hazel were sat by the unlit fireplace waiting patiently even though their expressions were tense and anxious. The boys, however, were nowhere to be found.

Hazel must have noticed I was looking for them because she jabbed her finger towards tthe boys' staircase and said, "They're in their 'cave.'" We all referred to any boy's room as a cave because most were typically dirty, smelly, and dark; very much like an actual cave. In some cases they were also damp in some areas, also very much like a cave.

River was too busy gnawing on her fingernails to have even noticed that I had already come down so I didn't even greet her before I dashed back up.

And they were there, as expected, all gathered around James's bed watching him as he desperately tried not to let his disappointment manifest into tears. The part of me that often gave me feelings of familiarity in this place let me know that I was probably the only one aware of what was really going on within him while the boys probably just though he was reflecting on his mistakes and planing something ihe/i though was a better idea.

The door closed with a light click as I entered and James's eyes frantically searched for me, immediately pleading for help as soon as he was sure I was paying close attention to their expression. I automatically took the vacant spot at his bed between Sirius and Remus, halfway on top of Remus who quickly wrapped his arm around my waist. It didn't escape me that Sirius was particularly focused on this. Peter was oblivious, for the most part, sitting alone on the floor chewing on his nail in a manner very similar to how River had been doing.

"She'll be fine," I assured him, "and she liked the birds but I won't be able to go very much farther with details if that's what you're expecting."

James nodded slowly while the other three boys stared at me with a certain reverence I was so not expecting.

"Well, out with it then," urged Sirius.

I shot him a glare, daring him to hurry me again, and he backed away slightly from the area of the bed that I was now taking up. "I promised Lily I wouldn't tell anyone, especially you lot, what we talked about—I have a Girl Code to uphold." Sirius rolled his eyes and I slapped his arm. It was a bit too hard because it left my hand stinging and throbbing. "The way I see it, you'll have to do as I say but it won't be without some sacrifice, Jimmy." He winced. Who knows what he thought those sacrifices might be. "It's not so difficult from my point of view but I'm sure you'll think differently of it. Trust me, though, it'll work and I'll expect you not to question me."

His eyes were shut and he was rubbing his temples in a circular motion. "I trust you, Melody," he sighed.

"Good because you're going to have to avoid Lily for a while."

"WHAT!" the disbelieving cry did not come from James, he had actually muttered a quiet agreement which was drowned out by the other three who were staring at me wide-eyes, mouths slack.

"You can't expect Prongs to avoid Evans! He's Prongs for Merlin's sake!" exclaimed Sirius.

"He'll explode in less than a day!" added Peter with a squeak.

Remus said nothing. He and James were waiting for me to say something else. "Girls need space, therefore you'll give Lily space to breath and stretch her wings in a manner of speaking. In turn, this will create civility and friendship between the two of you and ultimately, a isuccessful/i relationship." Extra emphasis on 'successful.'

"Bullocks!"

I let out a snorting laugh. "You're not exactly an expert on relationships, Padfoot, at least not the kind that last more than a couple of days." I turned back to James, grabbing his hands the way Lily had taken mine. "This will work."

I felt complete certainty with my words as he nodded and not because I knew the future but because I knew this would really work. Lily needed time to properly sort out her feeling which were already there and quite strong and James needed to give her enough space to do just that. Besides, Lily herself said that she loved him because of the way I described him, if I gave him subtle hints as to what she said to me without revealing her feelings and if I could get him to act normal around her this would be a piece of cake and we'd all go home happy, so to speak.

"This has all left me properly knackered so I think I'll postpone practice until tomorrow afternoon. I honestly don't believe any of us are in the proper emotional state at the moment." James agreed, so did Sirius though he wasn't very happy about my decision. Just as he was about to open his mouth to object I cut him off, "I'll see you boys at dinner."

Remus followed me back downstairs, his index finger hooking to one of my belt-loops (I felt a lot more comfortable wearing jeans beneath my robes sometimes). I didn't really mind it because his presence was somewhat soothing. I told River and Hazel that they should go back up and try to "calm Lily down," though I was sure that she had already regained composure by then. I did not follow River and Hazel back up. I felt like talking a walk around the grounds for a while, mainly to figure out what I would tell Lily when James stopped talking to her all of a sudden. I'd have to tell him to do it gradually. Quickly but somehow gradually so it wouldn't seem too suspicious.

"You don't have to come with me if you don't want to," I told Remus when we where halfway down the corridor.

"I want to." His words were nothing less than sincere and for some reason I found myself smiling at that.

"Thanks."

Our walk was predominantly around the lake. I talked and Remus listened as together we watched the sky gradually change colour and grow darker. We were alone but it didn't feel strange. It was serene. There was a moment when I lost my footing having stepped to close to the water's edge and he stopped me from falling, since then he hadn't let go of my hand. Despite hardly feeling like a couple the gesture didn't feel at all awkward just vaguely familiar which made me happy. Comforting. Warm. Slightly intimate and yet something we would do if our relationship was completely platonic. Eventually, the drama of James and Lily had disolved into the crisp autumn afternoon air and we were laughing again, lightly joking and teasing each other about trivial matters. I suppose to onlookers we would have appeared to be a couple but I hoped people were just used to the two of us wandering about like this. We didn't need any more complications.

I noticed his eyes held something along the lines of sadness or disappointment—which was so inappropriate for such a moment—after we ran into Chloe Rosenberg, a Ravenclaw in our Arithmancy class, and I was quick to answer negatively when she asked if we were together now. It was a reflexive answer, it was nervous and a bit to quick. After that Remus's eyes had just changed, like he was there and somewhere distant all at once. He still smiled, though.

"You should go tomorrow," I insisted for the millionth time, referring to Quidditch practice.

"I never go."

"Yeah ... but can you go tomorrow?" I asked. "I know for a fact that you've got nothing better to do, plus your presence will put me at ease."

"You're not scared, are you?" he asked, his tone serious though his face clearly showed he was amused by it.

"No, I'm totally looking forward to practice though I'm absolutely terrified of heights and was nearly killed by a second year and a Bludger," I replied sarcastically.

"You? Scared of heights?" The incredulity in both his expression and tone made me feel more than a little pathetic. Plus, I could tell he was trying really hard not to laugh.

"Yes!" I answered.

Maybe in this world I was all brave and bad-ass and whatnot but as long as I only had real world memories and the emotions that went with them, I would be terrified of heights and it's all thanks to getting stuck at the highest point of a roller coaster for three hours when I was nine. It wouldn't have been so bad had there not been a fat, 30-something year old guy rocking forward and back beside me, sobbing like a baby and constantly repeating, "Oh God, oh God, we're going to die." That particular experience combined with lack of coordination didn't make me too excited about boarding a a wooden stick as balls were zooming at me.

"I told you not to play Quidditch!" scolded Remus. "But did you listen?"

Not able to think of a good response other than the obvious 'no,' I stuck my tongue at him.

He chuckled, letting go of my hand to wrap his arm around my shoulder. I didn't know why but the action made me all warm and fuzzy and my stomach ort of did a flippy thing it had never done before. It must've been the sudden change of temperature. Remus was very warm even though his robes were dreadfully thin and threadbare and even though it was getting colder out as it got later.

Being so close to him, it was incredible. I just couldn't believe how beautiful he was and I could help but feel like I didn't deserve something so good. The odds had never particularly been in my favor.

"Why don't you tell James or Sirius?" he asked but he quickly gave a look that said that was a terrible idea.

They would probably react a lot worse than Remus. They would laugh, yes, but then freak out because their oh-so fearless captain suddenly goes all chicken shit when she's merely a couple of feet off solid ground.

"You can take my place on the team, at least until I get over this pesky phobia," I suggested hopefully.

"As fair of a flyer as I am, I'm not a Beater, love, I'm a Keeper and if you couldn't even convince me to join the team as that ..."

I pressed myself closer to him, looking up at him with puppy dog eyes I was praying would work. "Please?" I whimpered, bottom lip jutting out ever so slightly. That had always worked with my friends back in high school.

He looked as if he'd agree to it, leaning closer and closer to me, but he shook his head when our eyes were level. "Look, if this really bothers you I suppose I could be of some assistance. Tomorrow we have back-to-back free periods which should be more than enough time to help you get over this." Doubtful. Very, very doubtful but I knew I shouldn't be so pessimistic. "I don't know what you'll tell Sirius and James so they don't follow after us. That you're tutoring me in the library? Or vice versa?"

I shook my head. "I'll just tell them that I'm going to go snog you senseless in a broom cupboard," I joked, wrapping my arms around the back of his neck. He was smirking his knee-weakening half-smirk as he leaned in until our noses were touching. "We could practice said snogging right now, if you'd like?"

My lips ghosted over his, sending a cold shiver down my spine. From my periphery, I could see Agnes giving me an odd look as she sat nearby with her boyfriend but I chose to ignore this, despite knowing it was probably a bad idea, and closed the little space between us.

We laughed as we pulled away and Remus brushed my hair away from my face as he always did after kissing me. His eyes had somewhat widened and shone with foreign emotions, some that I had only ever seen in my own. His too-intense gaze made me shiver and I looked away quickly as I felt a blush rising. I couldn't understand any of what was going on inside me or, by the looks of him, in Remus. I ignored it like I did with most things I had no hope of understanding. It was obvious we liked each other but this seemed like so much more than that.

When I saw fit enough to look back up at him without meeting any inquiring expression regarding my odd behavior I simply said, "We should head back."

James, did a spectacular job at beginning to ignore Lily. He greeted her like a normal person rather than a love-sick lunatic and it wasn't taken as odd or suspicious behavior. Those out of the Marauder loop simply thought he was being cautious to avoid being hexed. He was also very quiet durring dinner, much to everyones relief. As much as I may love James, he really need to learn to shut up sometimes.

Remus and I had parted as soon as we walked back into the castle though I was aching for further physical interaction but lights out was approaching and I really was exhausted after everything. Lily found me in the corridor when we weren't very far from the Fat Lady and pulled me away, muttering something along the lines of 'sorry for stealing her from you' to Remus who replied with a shrug and a smirk, wishing me sweet dreams. He understood Lily needed me—anyone could have figured that out by the desperation on her face which she was trying so hard to hide. Remus walked behind us but didn't speak at all, though I could feel his eyes boring into my back.

After we all got ready for bed I had to talk to Lily to calm her down, to reassure her that I hadn't said anything to James.

"He always does this Lily," I reminded her. She was fidgety at the lack of attention James was giving to her but there had been plenty of attempts since my arrival to say this with complete honesty. James, after all, was one to reflect on things ... especially important things. "Calm down, he doesn't know. But would it really be so bad if he did?"

She pondered my question for a moment then shook her head. "Not really."

"You're just scared." She nodded. "But, you know, you could always make the first move ... unless you're old-fashioned?"

"I'm not but I'm just not ready to admit it to anyone else."

This was the first time I met Mary MacDonald. She came into the room her eyes red and heavy with sleep and said, "Melody. James." That was all I needed to understand. It wasn't like any of them could just come up here themselves.

What I felt when I looked at Mary was something odd. Our relationship didn't seem to be as straightforward as it was with everyone else. I knew she liked me well enough but that she was distant, and yet I knew I knew her very well. It was almost as if we had once been great friends who had drifted apart which I had to admit was a plausible theory but I couldn't find it in me to ask her about it. She knew, like everyone in the school knew, about my memory loss but something told me this conversation would just be too awkward to handle.

She was very pretty, though. Bronze hair, porcelain skin, grass green eyes that were slightly smaller and duller than Lily's. She wasn't the skinniest person, but not fat either rather somewhere in between ... like how I had been before falling into this place but it suited her much better.

She didn't say much more than that, walking straight into the bathroom.

"What did James want?" asked River, peeking up from a month-old issue of iWitch Weekly/i.

I threw the delicate silver bracelet at Lily who caught it, later looking down at it with grave confusion. I too had been caught off guard by this when he presented it to me at the foot of the stairs and explained how Lily had dropped it when she ran out of the Great Hall. It made me quite proud of him how quickly he was adjusting to my plan. Weirder still was that the charm bracelet was identical to one I had owned as a child. It had the very same charms: the unicorn with the chipped horn, the teacup, the playing cards ...

"Oh," she breathed. "I was worried I had lost it. It was a gift from my sister. On my tenth birthday she ..." But she didn't continue. Of course Petunia Dursley (then Evans) still liked her sister somewhat before the whole Lily-gets-to-go-to-Hogwarts-but-you-don't fiasco that lead to the end of their sisterly relationship.

"That boy can be so weird sometimes," Hazel mused.

"He really can," Lily and I said, chuckling a bit.

After a few more minutes we turned off the light and got into bed. I liked pretending I still had my iPod to lull me to sleep so I began softly humming bits and pieces of different songs until eventually settling on iYou Are the Moon/i. I repeated it, softer every time, until finally I drifted ...

* * *

**A/N: Just in case you were wondering all the chapter titles are titles of songs. This one is by Johnny Gallagher and can be found on YouTube **


	6. Learn to Fly

**Chapter 6: Learn to Fly**

There was a labyrinth behind the Potter's home; in the very middle of their enormous garden. My home was just down the hill from theirs, past the trees and across the pond we often swam in during the summer. At the centre of labyrinth was a wishing well which James's mum, Dorea, told us was enchanted and would grant us whatever we wished for if we made it to the center without cheating. Of course James and I often cheated; one of us would fly above and guide the other, and sure enough when we did just that our wishes would not come true.

I was nine years old the very first (and only) time I made it on my own and I had achieved this unintentionally. James and I were playing hide and seek and I could think of no better place if I did not want to go too far from the house. When I made it to the well it was when I stopped caring about finding it and then called to James. He tried to reach me by following my voice to no avail. I had a knut in the folds of my socks (where I always kept my money back then) and threw it in concentrating hard on what I wanted.

When I opened my eyes the wind blew my hair in my face and it was no longer auburn but the soft pink of my favorite candy: bubble gum. At nine that was my deepest wish and I loved it so much I kept it for seven years.

Then the pink strands blended into the orange-pink afternoon sky and I was flying over the labyrinth with James. We were much older—maybe thirteen or fourteen. I zoomed back and forth high up on my broom, smiling widely. Remus was right beside me and I could see James and Sirius zoom past me while Peter was struggling to achieve the same speed as the rest of us. I let out an exhilarated scream as I took a sudden dive, almost crashing into the tree tops. This terrified them all, thinking I had lost control of my broom, and I could hear them yelling at me as I gently floated back up to their level. All the blood had gone from Remus's face but he rolled his eyes at me. I was filled up with happiness to the point of bursting when the scene shifted and everything was suddenly dark.

When light returned it was not very bright, only that which was provided by the stars above for it was a new moon that night. It was this sumer, just before school began, and I lay the Potter's roof. I had just finished crying about something or other and was resting my head on Remus's chest. His hand stoked my hair gently and I could feel the vibrations traveling through him as he hummed to me softly. It wasn't a song I knew but it was sweet and calming and just the thing I needed then. I looked up to meet his amber eyes, once again slightly hidden by his hair, and he smiled his beautiful smile.

"Things will get better, love," he assured me. "Things will get better. You're beautiful and he was a right prick for what he did to you. It'll blur into insignificance and eventually you'll remember nothing about him."

Without really thinking, I leaned slightly forward placing a light kiss at the corner of his mouth. Then it was the following day and the rain began to fall. I had run out into my back garden barefoot, in my white dressing gown and begun twirling around in circles. Somehow I knew those amber eyes were watching me and then this suspicion was confirmed when he came running out, pulling his usual gray cardigan over his head.

"Melody, what are you doing out here. It's pouring!"

"I'm dancing!" I replied, turning my face to the sky. "Come and dance with me, Moony!"

Then he did so without question.

When I woke in the morning I did not hesitate to write down my dreams in my journal, knowing that they were all of some significance. They were for the most part very straight forward and all focused on me but there was something about them that made me unable to concentrate on anything else. Not only did they take over my thought but also my ability to function like a regular human being, it would seem.

Throughout all my classes I was constantly in and out of focus, doodling at the corners of my notes as I thought about them. My focus was primarily converged on the bit where I was on the last two bits; the ones with Remus. I must've been focusing on it much more than I was trying to because at lunch everyone was quick to voice their concern for me.

"Are you sure you don't need to go see Madame Pomfrey?" asked Lily. It was annoying by then, she had been asking me the same thing practically every five minutes since she woke up and found me writing furiously in my diary. Yet _another _fun fact about Hogwarts Melody: she is not an early riser like California Melody. "This may be something else due to the fall, you haven't been concentrating at all."

"Yeah," said River, bobbing her head in a jerky nod. "Normally your notes are yards long and today you hardly wrote a word!"

"I'm fine!" I stated a bit too harshly. For a moment everyone around us had fallen silent, staring at me like they had my first day. Like I needed any of _that_ again! "Really, I'm fine," I repeated, softly this time. "I've just had a lot on my mind today."

"What about Quidditch practice today?" Sirius interjected sounding annoyingly whiny.

"What about it?"

Until Sirius mentioned it, I had completely forgotten that _I _had rescheduled practice for this afternoon because of all of the drama yesterday. Or that I had made arrangements with Remus to help me with my flying, for that matter. An arrangement that was scheduled for after lunch which was in only a matter of minutes.

"Oh, shut it, Black! Is that all you can think about? Quidditch? What about Melody? Do you want her to get hurt again?" spat Hazel, glaring at him venomously.

"No, of course not!" Sirius looked completely offended that she would even think such a thing but James was smart enough to speak before we had a full-fledged argument on our hands.

"I can take over practice, if you'd like. If you're not feeling up to it, that is."

The offer was tempting. Incredibly tempting. I almost agreed to it. However, I stopped for a moment and though if that was what the Melody Cardóna of this world would do. She wouldn't. From what I had gathered my days in this castle was that Hogwarts Melody was positively fearless and would never ever, ever turn down Quidditch unless it was for something incredibly important. Besides, I wanted to spend more time with Remus. I wanted to get inside his head and know him better, this enigmatic and intriguing person I was allowed to call my closest friend. Besides, if I was ever going to be Hogwarts Melody to these people ever again I'd have to get rid of my stupid and only slightly irrational fear of heights.

Honestly, being two people who are so very different is exhausting. The California Melody side of me was begging me to skip the flying session, lock myself in my room and snuggle up with _Pride & Prejudice_ for the rest of the afternoon (of course, Lily had a copy. Bless her for being a Muggleborn with such a love of literature!). It must've been the environment that surrounded me silenced that side.

"That won't be necessary. I said I'm fine and I meant it. I know I've been acting rather unusual this morning but I assure you it's nothing. I've just got a shit-load of things on my mind, if you pardon my French." The last bit directed mostly towards River who had winced at my cursing. Why? I had no idea. I did it often enough for all of them to be used to it by now and I was dead sure that Hogwarts Melody had an even more colorful vocabulary.

We had wasted a perfectly good lunch break talking about their concern over my health and sanity. Not the most entertaining of subjects but then again, nothing ever is when I'm the centre of the conversation. They would beg to differ. I nearly ate everything in one swallow which was really no way to enjoy a perfectly good peanut butter and banana sandwich but what else was there to do, really. It left a huge lump in my throat like when I tried to hold back tears and made my stomach churn. This only made them all look at me with even more dubiously.

Remus seemed the worst of the lot next to Lily who was willing to be late to class (something I didn't even think she was capable of contemplating) to take me to the Hospital Wing "just to make sure." I managed to convince her otherwise and she went off pouting.

"Don't forget to meet us back in the common room in an hour," said Sirius. "We've still got to work on the you-know-what."

What was the you-know-what exactly? Not a bloody clue. Luckily, I had an excellent excuse.

"We can't, were going to be really busy for the next two hours."

"Doing what?" asked Peter, looking more than a bit confused. I suppose we never really kept secrets from one another and it was odd to him. Now that I think about it, James and Sirius sported the same confusion then.

"I was going—" Remus began before I rudely cut him off.

"We shouldn't really be embarrassed about this, Lupin. They have a right to know, don't they?" Now he sported the same expression as the others. "I'm going to help him with his female interaction skills. Kind of like how I'm helping James with Lily but um ... more so."

I would regret this later but at the time I didn't think about it, I simply though about how amusing it was to me. I was sure of this future regret as Remus looked down at me, his eyes almost bulging out of his sockets at the words that followed. "Two hours should be more than enough time to shag him, I think. Wouldn't you say so?" I said it so nonchalantly and even smiled at him as I did. "There's no need to be embarrassed about it, mate," I added, patting him on the shoulder.

For such a smart guy, Remus had a pretty crap memory. Didn't he remember that this was the identical to the joke I offered up as an excuse during our walk the previous afternoon?

"You're not serious, are you?" Peter choked out, followed by a strangled sound coming from deep in Sirius' throat. James was quiet but his fists were clenched and he was giving Remus a death glare. Total protective brother mode. God, what a good friend! Not even my actual brother did that.

"Of course not," I laughed and nodded in Sirius' direction, "he is." They all rolled their eyes at me, though still quite shaken by it all. I totally deserved that. "Sorry, stupid joke, but in all seriousness we_ iare/i_ off for a very arduous tutoring session. I've been having trouble with Arithmancy lately and you know how Remus is with Potions. I promise, if we finish early we'll go straight to join you lot, yeah?"

I couldn't contain my laughter as they walked away, still looking very disoriented. I was laughing so much my sides were beginning to ache. Remus did not seem as amused as we grabbed my broom and a spare from the changing room, whether it was because of my not-so-funny joke or his concern for me is uncertain but he kept glancing at me looking half the time as though he though I was off my rocker and the rest as if he was afraid I might drop dead at any moment. An enigma, indeed. It was damn annoying.

"You've been having dreams again haven't you?" his question came out of nowhere. I had just been trying to pluck up the courage to even swing my leg over the stupid piece of polished wood.

"Yes." For some unknown reason my voice was shaky and hesitant. How would he know this?

"Why didn't you tell me?" his eyes burned with concern, stronger than that they had shown at lunch. They were darker, nearly as brown as mine. "Why didn't you go to my dorm and wake me?"

"Would that have been necessary? They were good dreams, I swear."

He bit his lip slightly, thinking deeply only for a moment. "Talk to me," he pleaded with gentle frustration, running a hand through his shaggy hair _á la James_. "I feel like we've been so distant since I came back. Are you angry with me?"

I looked up at him feeling a pain in my chest. I hadn't realized my attitude towards him suggested any sort of anger on my par. Then again I wasn't really doing much with him other than the snogging and the tutoring but this was my first real relationship and I had no idea how these things worked. I liked Remus. He was brilliant, abnd beautiful, and so intelligent and I didn't want to lose him. I especially didn't want to hurt him.

"Remus," I murmured, running my hand through his hair. "I'm not. I just don't know how to be with anyone. I don't know what this should be like and I can't remember ... but I am trying." I wrapped my arms around him. "I am trying. It's just frustrating not remembering everything about you, about us."

"Talk to me, then," his eyes were pleading, matching his tone.

"About what? I have nowhere to begin." Nowhere I was ready to begin was more like it, not unless I was ready to be institutionalized. Not everyone here was as open-minded and understanding as Dumbledore. Even a werewolf.

"The dreams. What did you dream last night?"

"Memories, I think. Fragments of things I can't remember."

"Like what?"

"We were playing Quidditch with the others above a garden and then later I was dancing in that same garden. It was raining, I was barefoot and happier than I had ever felt in a long time."

He nodded. "That was when we all spent a week at the Potters' over summer holiday. Was there anything else?"

"Yes." My voice had that hesitant edge to it again. "I-I kissed someone. It w-wasn't a real kiss, m-more of a peck, really."

"Who?" He was both curious and nervous as he asked me this, though his expression showed none of this.

"You," I replied, rolling my eyes as I leaned up to kiss him.

I quickly swung my leg over the broom and got into a ready position. Big mistake. The moment I did so I began to shake. Remus noticed, of course, and begun laughing, the great jerk.

"I'm glad I amuse you but a little help maybe?" I all but snapped. "What next?"

"Kick off," he chuckled, trying to disguise it as a cough.

"Hell. Fucking. No." I dropped the broom like it was burning my hands. "And I don't see what's so bloody funny about my being afraid!"

"That's just it! You're afraid! It's unbelievable!"

Remus was being an even bigger and more inconsiderate jerk than even Sirius. I knew I was afraid but did he have to rub it in? He was supposed to help me. How out of character of him.

I scowled, crossing my arms. "I'm starting to think I should have asked Sirius and James after all." I begun stomping away from him but he reached me in a couple of quick strides and wrapped his arms around my torso, dragging me back towards my broom (a Nimbus 1001 that James had given me for Christmas Second year when he, Sirius, and I made the team for the first time).

"I'm sorry," he apologized sincerely with a small pout that made me go all weak in the knees. "It's just that seeing you so vulnerable, it's ... different." I'm sure that was true.

I needed bad-ass mentality if I was ever going to make it through the season or even that day. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore Remus's presence—an impossibility when he was still holding on to me and resting his chin on my shoulder, I could feel him breathing over my neck. It felt weird but repeatedly chanting that I was an amazing and fearless Quidditch player seemed to work quick enough.

"Don't get on your broom yet. Just in case I fall again," I told Remus after mounting my broom successful without shaking (very hard).

"Kick off on three," he instructed. "One. Two. Thr—"

I soared up; air rushed past my face, making my eyes water a little. My hair and robes whipped behind me as I gradually began to pick up speed. The sensation was amazing and not at all frightening because somehow I knew I had complete control over what I was doing. The broom and the air and the sky were all parts of me, so much that the action felt oddly natural. I zoomed from one side of the pitch to the other in what felt like split seconds letting out giddy laughter and strings of profanities simultaneously. It wasn't even because I had convinced myself it wasn't scary anymore. All of me enjoyed it; both Hogwarts and California Melody. I never wanted to come down.

Remus joined me in the sky straight away on the ancient Shooting Star he had borrowed from the cupboard in the changing room which made it all the more fun. He truly was good at flying and even with such an obsolete broom came close to beating me when I decided to challenge him to a race.

Tired and breathless we touched back down and returned to Gryffindor Tower. It turned out that I didn't really need the entire two hours like I thought. I was still laughing from the adrenaline that had not yet ceased running through my veins. Remus and I were both so giddy.

"That was the most incredible thing I've ever done!" I said for the millionth time. "God! Keri would totally piss herself if she knew! She's been dying to try it ever since—" I stopped abruptly, noticing the direction in which I was headed.

I had forgotten about Keri until then. I could only imagine what she was thinking about my sudden disappearance. Probably suspecting a gruesome murder by now, she was probably digging holes in the park looking for my scattered body parts. Keri was always the one who jumped to horrible conclusions she was also the only friend I had kept in touch with after graduation. She was Shaun Kerr's twin sister and my best friend.

... Shaun. Oops! I still hadn't talked to him about Hazel! ... Oh, well, that would have to wait.

"Keri? Your Squib friend?"

Yeah, I could see Keri as a Squib. If I compared her to Shaun like everyone did. She had always in his shadow even though she was President of the Thespian Society and Captain of the girl's Field Hockey team. That was impressive to me but apparently not "good enough" for her family's high standards and dreams of Ivy League on full-scholarship (like Shaun had achieved, the bastard). I loved Keri more than anything, that perky little hyperactive ball of infinite sunshine.

"Yes, Keri Kerr. She hasn't ridden a broom, or rather, not since I last saw her. I may be wrong."

The boys were all huddled on the floor over something I couldn't quite catch a glimpse of when we entered their dorm. Remus rolled his eyes at his secrecy but I only continued to wonder what it was that had them so enthralled that they didn't even notice our loud, giggly and clumsy entrance. Sirius seemed to be snapping at James in a low mutter, making as many over-exaggerated hand gestures as his odd position could allow. Peter simply listened, his watery little eyes as wide as they could go with the sort of excitement I only saw in them right before he stuffed his face with chocolate cake. What River saw in him, I had no clue. Yeah he looked a little like the lead singer of that one band I really used to like but ... maybe he had a lovely personality? Then again River didn't even know herself just how gaga she was over him; too immersed in schoolwork to pay much mind to her emotions. I was like that once upon a time ... Oh, how things changed in high school.

I cleared my throat loudly announcing our presence.

They glanced towards us and automatically begun laughing.

"Merlin, Moony! You could've at least _tried_ to be gentle with her!" snorted James jovially though his expression was looking a little borderline furious.

What. The. Fuck ... Oh, it must've been our appearance. Both Remus and I sported windswept hair and were terribly flushed, not to mention our robes looked like we had thrown them on in a hurry. But really, did you honestly expect either of us to stop and kill our adrenaline rush just so that we might look a teensy bit presentable? No!

"You two _did _shag!" cried Peter in a sort of choked out laugh.

Despite myself, I began to blush deeply. Remus only smiled sheepishly as if it were true but then I realized he was really just as embarrassed as I was. Didn't I say I would regret that playful little lie?

"Well, if we did, it's none of your bloody business, is it?" I said nose in the air, pulling Remus by the wrist and taking a seat between Sirius and Peter. Might as well give them a vague answer.

Sirius said absolutely nothing, not even when I rested my head on his shoulder (he had freakishly comfortable shoulders), he just continued looking like a fish that was lacking water. Remus let me drape my legs over his lap and James looked like he wanted to strangle him yet again. I'd have to clear this all up with him later, for Remus's sake at the very least.

"So what is it we're doing?" I asked.

Sirius finally spoke. "The map, obviously."

"Have you lot not finished it yet? I'd have though it'd be up and running by now."

James grinned at me. "It should be in a week or so. Just putting on some finishing touches."

"We're still trying to figure out how to conceal it. We've been talking about transfiguring it into a quill or something," explained Peter, who was now picking something out of his fingernails with his teeth. He was weirdly beginning to remind me of my brother, habit-wise.

I chuckled. I couldn't help it. This was one of the rare occasions that I loved my prior knowledge of my friend's lives. I knew exactly what to do but not necessarily how to do it, still if I told them they'd get it in a jiffy. "You don't have to transfigure it. Leave it as it is."

"Then it wouldn't be hidden," said James, "that's the complete opposite of what we want."

Eye-roll. Major eye-roll. "Don't you get it, Prongs?" (excitement still flooded me when I called them by their Marauder nicknames, it made everything feel so surreal) "Enchant it so that only certain people can read it. A spell to read it and a spell to hide it _and _a spell that repels people who try to read it without the correct incantation."

Remus looked at me wide-eyed, the largest grin I had ever seen on his face spreading over his lips right before he pulled me into his tight embrace. "That's brilliant! How did we not think of that ourselves?"

Peter and Sirius shrugged. They're smiles all matched now. "Elaborate," Sirius beckoned excitedly.

"Well, I was thinking something Marauder-esque, you know? To read the map you'd have to say something like 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good' and to hide it you'd say, 'Mischief managed.' Does that make sense?"

"Bloody clever, that is!" squeaked Peter. Rat-like, indeed.

I grinned now too. It was wrong of me to be so proud of something that wasn't even my idea but I was. It was helping them. "And if anyone tries to read it, as I said, we need to repel them or at least lead them to believe its something totally different. In true Marauder fashion, I think you should all put some sort of phrases on it. Insulting if it's someone who should never know of the map but nice and hinting if it's someone worthy of using it who doesn't already know how. It could be a gift to future mischief makers." Like the Weasley twins, for example.

James, still grinning, clapped his hands together. "Let's get to it then!"


	7. Broken Face

**Chapter 7: Broken Face**

"That was really good, you know," said Sirius later that very day as we walked down to dinner. He sneakily pulled me away from Lily's frantic clutches. She was going on about James _again _and how she was sooo certain that he knew.

"He knows, he knows. See, he's smirking! Stupid git ... You didn't tell him anything, did you, Melody? Oh of course you didn't! How silly of me to assume—"

I smiled at Sirius, taking time to examine his seemingly flawless features for the nth time since my becoming a witch. He was supposed to be breathtaking, that much I could tell, but I figured that I stared at him so much because I had always been positively normal around him. Idiotic, boy-crazy me the epitome of calm in the presence of the "sexiest boy at Hogwarts"? I would've though it an impossibility and yet that was my reality, this one.

"You boys would have figured out something like that without my help. Eventually." More like, the exact same thing. Part of me now wished I had kept my mouth shut just to see who had really come up with that bit.

"Probably, yeah, but thanks to you we'll get it done a lot faster than we had initially thought."

"Glad I could help."

Lily got to me again and dragged me to our usual spot though this time she sat next to Sirius and I sat next to Remus. If I didn't know any better that little redhead was planning something to do with me and Remus, or at least that's what could be expected when a mischievous smirk appeared on anyones lips. Too bad she didn't know her efforts were totally unnecessary as we already had a "thing" going on between us. She and James were really more alike than anyone cared to notice. But what was she doing other than that? Was she going to put aside her grudge against Sirius to get information out of him about James? If that was it, she could have just asked me and saved herself the trouble.

"You ready?" Remus asked suddenly, breaking me from my thoughts.

I gave him a questioning look and he smiled. Everyone seemed to be doing that today.

"Because of the accident, this is technically the first day of you captaincy," he reminded me. "You did extremely well earlier today but do try to be careful ... For me?" As he said this he did what I sometimes did which was looking up at me through his eyelashes. I sometimes envied him for his beauty but whenever he did this I just turned to mush.

"Yeah, I will," I assured him with a bit of a breathless sigh. "We don't want another head injury," I added in singsong.

He chuckled. "No, no we don't. I don't think I could—just be careful."

I looked up at him again. His hair had fallen back into his eyes as it normally did. I had an immense urge to push it out of the way but refrained. "Come," I insisted, taking his large, scarred hands in my small, soft ones. "It wouldn't hurt to have a little fun now and then."

"Yes, but if I recall we had plenty of fun earlier," he smirked, laughing loudly when he noticed James had heard and was now glaring daggers at him.

I appreciated him wanting to protect me and all but he was going a bit overboard.

"Besides, I have been procrastinating on our Arithmancy homework and it's due on Thursday."

"Homework over Quidditch: that is so like you." He smiled down at me, ruffling my hair the way the others did. "You can copy mine," I offered. I sounded and felt rather desperate to get him to tag along.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair which for a brief moment let me catch a glimpse of his amazing eyes. "I promise I will be at the next one."

"You better." I pouted, crossing my arms over my chest. "You've seen the shenanigans I get myself into when you aren't around."

It didn't take very long to prove the veracity of that last statement.

I missed it by an inch, a _fucking _inch. I saw that stupid thing shooting towards me and had my bat ready but I missed. An inch isn't that much, you might be thinking, but it is. Oh, is it ever.

With so many accidents thus far I'm amazed that I still haven't ended up in St. Mungo's for extensive brain damage. I mean, really, a Bludger _again_? It's enough for any team to loose faith in their beloved captain. If I couldn't even make it through practice totally unscathed how would I ever manage an actual match?

Thankfully that demonic thing didn't hit me in the head, that just would've been ridiculous. It did, however, smash into my arm and break the bone into what was probably a zillion miniscule pieces. The pain was blinding and I could hear nothing else but my agonized cries. The momentum of my swing had made me lose my balance so that plus the Bludger's own momentum knocked me off my broom. This time no one slowed the fall. I still have no idea how I didn't die since the fall alone should have done the trick.

My eyesight then began to shift in and out of focus as I tried hard to fight against the darkness that seemed to want to consume me. Judging from the new searing pain at the back of my head and the wet feeling in my hair, I was bleeding. Profusely. iThen again/i, I thought, iI might just end up in St. Mungo's after all/i. Yet even with the pain and series of broken body parts I was glad that neither Lily nor Remus were there to scold me about Quidditch as they were so accustomed to doing.

I heard everyone speak as if they were doing so in slow motion and when I heard my own voice yelling at them to do something it sounded like I was slurring, all my words clumsily stumbling one over the other. Surely, James being as big-brotherly as he was, wouldn't let me die in the middle of the pitch, he'd want me to get some medical attention ... so why then was nothing happening? Why wasn't I moving?

The loud sound of cloth tearing reached my ears. I shivered but it was hard to tell whether that was because I was cold or because I was losing so much blood so very quickly.

"Not from _her_ kit, Sirius!" I distantly heard James groan.

"I'll buy her a new one, all right?" Sirius sounded at once irritated and panic-stricken. "Should we levitate her to the Hospital wing?"

I grabbed hold of Sirius's knees in a desperate plea. "No, don't! I'm scared of heights!"

In my state of delusion I couldn't say anything sensical. I wasn't afraid of heights anymore, even considering how horrible that hit and fall had felt; it was nothing in comparison to the rush of being in the sky. I was crazy for saying this but I would have had a million Bludgers to the head and still get back up on the broom. Flying, it appeared, had become something of a drug to me. That explained my utter stupidity quite well.

"But, Melody, honey, you just spent and entire hour on a broom," said James, his voice suddenly crystal clear now.

"No!" I heard myself sob deliriously, now clutching onto his robes, pulling so hard that I could see his chest almost fully exposed. Wow. Lily was right, James i_was/i_ fit. Should have figured she'd know this seeing as how she hit his chest enough when she was angry. She probably knew every inch of it by now. "No, I don't want to fly! I'll die up there! Mommy! I'm not going! You can't make me! Mommy, save me!"

Yes, I was actually crying out for my mother. But, um, hello, I had a head injury! Besides, it wasn't nearly as ridiculous as when a boy did it.

"She must've hit her head harder than I thought!" iNo shit, Potter/i, I wanted to snap at him but I was unfortunately unable to. I remember I just kept crying and I _vaguely_ remember moaning about scary dragons in the sky though I was later told that there were none.

"James, keep practice going, I'll take her up to Pomfrey," said Sirius, literally peeling me off of James. He tucked one hand beneath my knees and the other at my back to cradle me in his arms. I was about to protest the gesture by saying that I was too heavy, forgetting that I was thinner here, but Sirius spoke before I could. "Shhh," he cooed gently as if I were really some sort of blubbering baby. "You're going to be fine, I promise. Stop crying, love, that'll only make your head hurt worse."

The uncomfortable sensation I felt in my stomach as he suddenly got up, made me clutch even harder to him for fear of falling again. I whimpered as I tried to even out my frantic breathing. Had it been this way last time or had I simply blacked out?

"You sure, mate? I could help." Sirius shook his head and James sighed and said, "Just mind where you place your hands, yeah?" Sirius hand, which had inched its way closer to my bottom quickly slid back down to its original spot at the back of my knees. It was getting harder for me to stay focused again, I was half-expecting to see the light at the end of the tunnel at any minute.

"My head hurts," I whined. All of me was in pain but the pain had been so fierce in my broken arm that it had numbed.

Sirius just continued his soothing shushing as he walked in quick strides towards the castle.

"That tree is staring at me funny, Snuffles." I was way beyond even monitoring the crap that was leaving my mouth, which meant that I didn't realize I had just called Sirius by a nickname that had not been though up for him yet. I could feel his chest vibrating as he let out a chuckle. "Make it stop. It's creepy! Make it stop!"

"Melody, sweetheart, there aren't any trees here. We're already in the castle."

"There is!" I insisted in a sigh as felt my eyes slowly fluttering shut.

"No, no, no," Sirius muttered in a panic. He begun slapping my cheek lightly which seemed to work at keeping me awake because I begun giggling. "Stay awake, love, you need to stay awake."

"But I'm sleepy," I grumbled, letting go of my hold around his neck and almost falling out of his arms.

"I know but you have to ... you just do, love."

Seconds of silence followed as he began to make his way up the staircase before I decided to break into song, rather loudly and very off-key. And what better song to sing when you're straddling that fuzzy line between consciousness and unconsciousness than the Mexican national anthem!

"_Mexicanos, algrito de guerra_

_ El acero aprestad y el bridón. _

_ Y retiemble en sus centros la Tierra,_

_al sonoro rugir del cañón ..."_

I sang and sang ending with a grand flourish as we entered. Madame Pomfrey had heard me coming down the corridor and ran towards us expecting the worse (rightly so, I might add). I hit the last note, past my giggles, just as Sirius got us through the door. Since I wasn't all that lucid I could just picture Pomfrey's face. She was probably first horrified by the amount of blood that was leaving my body, then furious at me because I had chosen to 'get back on the horse' as they say.

Though somewhere in the back of my mind (the bit that still functioned somewhat normally) as Sirius slowly laid me onto the small bed I was congratulating myself for remembering the song and for not having forgotten how to speak Spanish in this place. I was just about to test my French skills by singing their national anthem when Sirius bent down to kiss my slightly bloody forehead, thus effectively distracting me.

He turned to leave but somehow, even as weak as I was, I managed to quickly reach out for him and tug his arm to come back. "Stay," my voice was a hoarse whisper after all the terrible singing.

"If you want me to."

I nodded.

Madame Pomfrey came back with clean bandages and Skelegrow. Though I had never tasted it, I cringed knowing that it would not be a pleasant drink.

"You may leave now, Mr. Black," she said irritably, shooing him away with a wave of her hand.

"She wants me to stay," he told her, smiling weakly.

She groaned. "Very well, then. You'll help me bandage her up."

Sirius walked around to the other side of the bed and begun pulling up the sleeve of my jersey. I winced and whimpered as he did this because the blood had already begun to dry and was making the fabric cling onto the gash where my arm was broken. Again he begun soothing me, humming quietly.

"Who wrapped her head?"

"I did."

She nodded. "Very nicely done, Black, very nicely done. It was tight enough to slow down the blood, the majority was lost from her arm and her leg. I must strongly advise that she not play Quidditch this year, the season has yet to begin and she's already had two grave injuries."

I didn't get to hear what Sirius replied because I gave up and let myself be taken in by sleep. I knew I'd wake up eventually because there was absolutely no tunnel with a light at the end of it and no choir of angels either. I knew I wasn't going to die and that was good enough for me, that and the pain that had eased down to a bearable stinging. Even in my state of unconsciousness, I automatically registered that I hadn't drunken any Skelegrow but I couldn't wake myself up. I just didn't want to. Colors begun filling my head, quickly gaining the shapes of things and people. I knew I was dreaming now and I wanted to stay, hoping that maybe this dream would piece together with the other and help me remember Hogwarts Melody's history.

_James and I were sitting at the edge of a pond. We looked to be about nine or ten years old and were laughing as we splashed water at each other. We were not even touching it, simply directing it with our fingers in a swift flicking motion. My hair was already pink then but it was shorter, shoulder length with blunt bangs, and it was tied into pigtails with glittery blue-green ribbons._

_"Your mum and dad are fighting again aren't they?" asked little James after we had both successfully soaked each other with the dirty water._

_I shook my head, a somber expression on my rosy little face. "They haven't argued in years, not since they had to send my brother to a muggle school."_

_"What is it then?"_

_My eyes were beginning to well up with tears. "I think there may be something wrong with my dad. He's been acting really weird and it makes me nervous."_

The scene changed.

_I was alone in what appeared to be my room. The walls were painted in pastel tones of blue, pink, yellow and green and from them hung Gryffindor banners, Quidditch posters, and various pictures of me and my friends. I laid in my large canopy bed looking at the shelf above the wooden headboard. There was a copy of _Hamlet_ besides two framed pictures, one of me and my team after having won the Quidditch cup and the other was one of me and Andros Vane at Hogsmeade. I looked happy, very happy, and he did too._

_My dad entered my room then without knocking. He didn't look ill or all that different, just older. Several years had passed between both scenes: I was fifteen now._

_"Hello, sweetheart," he said, taking a seat at the edge of my bed. "It's good to have you home, normally you like to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas."_

_I scowled at him. "Yeah, well, it's better that coming back to hearing _grand-maman_ Sophie verbally abuse Pete and criticize me about my 'gaudy hair'. The only reason I came was because she said she couldn't make it and because I thought iyou/i wouldn't be here either."_

_"I know," he sighed, wincing slightly at my tone. "If it makes you feel any better Peter's invited Keri and if you'd like you could invite this Andros boy your mother has told me about."_

_"He's gone to Switzerland with his parents," I told him coldly, refusing to look at him. "Was there any point to you coming into my room?"_

_He wrung his hands nervously as he answered. "I just wanted to apologize for being such a terrible father to you and to Peter, especially, all these years. I know this apology probably means nothing to you but I promise I'll try to change."_

_"Sure you will, just like last time," I muttered as he got up and left the room. "Run back to your pure, precious Dahlia, father, we don't need you anymore."_

The scene changed again but this time it was different.

_I could see everything that was happening but it was muted. It was the moment in the picture from the shelf; when we won the cup. There was a look of wild excitement on my face as everyone cheered and patted each other on the back. There was much hugging, much lifting each other up in the air and passing the trophy around when suddenly, without thinking, I threw myself at Sirius and kissed him deeply. He, being Sirius, happily participated though he surely knew that Andros and I were dating. Oddly enough I felt no regret. Not because Andros wasn't in the common room but simply because it didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong. A kiss was like a hug or a handshake to me back then, but when we pulled apart I could see in Sirius's eyes that it wasn't just a hug or a handshake to him. It was more and that frightened me. What made it even worse was the first face I saw in the crowd after pulling away._

_Remus was standing but a few feet away from us looking utterly confused and and betrayed, as if he were on the verge of tears. It was heartbreaking but I didn't know what to do and as he quietly weaved his way through the crowd up to his dormitory._

I begun to regain consciousness much slower than I would have liked. I kept hearing voices calling my name and I wanted to tell them to shut up and let me sleep, wanting more dreams to come to me. All the ones I had had thus far were vague, crappy little Polaroid snapshots of what I knew were bigger, more important events and that in itself drove me insane. But my body continued to react to the calls and soon enough I opened my eyes. Sirius was only inches away from me, his hands were on my shoulders as if he had been shaking me to rouse me from my sleep. He smiled the moment I acknowledged his presence by lightly shoving him away.

My arm didn't hurt anymore, no part of me did. But how? I seemed to be a-okay now.

I propped myself up and smiled at him. I felt weak, sure, but refreshed.

"How long have I been out?"

"Not too much," he answered, pushing my hair behind my ear. After the last dream, the gesture made me feel awkward and uncomfortable now that I was a tad bit more clued in to our past relationship and how he really felt about me. Perhaps i_relationship_/i was not the word I should have used but it's the best I could come up with. "A little more than three days. It's Saturday."

It felt more like three hours. I should have dreamt more things if it would have been three days, right? Yet I wasn't surprised because wasn't I out for about the same amount of time last accident.

"How do you feel?"

"Perfect." Which was true because part of me was just bursting with the fact that I should have died but didn't and that I remembered everything I was conscious through this time. I deserved a self-congratulatory pat on the back for that. "No memory loss, no headaches or hurting limbs. Perfect."

"That's good," he said with a nod.

I could feel a wave of awkward silence coming on so I spoke. "Hey, Sirius? What can you tell me about Andros Vane?"

His face darkened at the name and his eyes glazed over, their expression one of a person totally possessed by rage when remembering something horribly unpleasant. I could see that his hands were balled into fists so hard that the knuckles were white. Golly, not even Remus was that upset when I asked about it. Yet, I felt in me a sort of wicked pleasure at the sight of his anger because it gave me an idea. If I could somehow convince Sirius that I was still interested in my supposed ex-boyfriend then he might just let go of his moronic affections for me (moronic not because of how he was behaving but because he was crushing on i_me/i_. I'm living it and I don't even believe it, to be honest. He could do sooo much better).

For a second his expression eased up into a more human-looking one and he asked through clenched teeth. "What about him?"

"I dunno. I mean, Remus and I were talking about him yesterday, or rather, the day before _accident numero deux _and I guess I was just curious. You know how vague Remus can be sometimes and, well, Andros is well fit."

"Of course, why else would you go out with him?" Was he seriously going to snap at me over this bullshit? Well, if he was, I wasn't having it.

"I'm not shallow, if that's what you're so rudely suggesting. If that were why I went out with him then I would have gone out with you _and _James ages ago, don't you think? Besides, I don't see why your mad at me, I've only asked you a simple question."

I could've almost laughed at his repenting sinner look but I held back. "I'm sorry," he sighed, "I know you can't remember any of that, but I do. We all do and it's just a time we rather not go back to."

"Why not?"

"It's best if you're not reminded of it, but I can say that it would be best you stay away from him."

That bad, huh?


	8. Say It Like You Mean It

**Chapter 8: Say It Like You Mean It**

"Lily?"

She and Remus had been giving me the silent treatment ever since I checked out of the Hospital Wing. They were mad that I didn't heed their warnings about playing Quidditch again so soon but even more so because of my having no plans of stopping my involvement with the team.

We were down in the Common Room. Lily was hard at work revising a paper she had finished writing ages ago, River and Hazel were chattering excitedly about the upcoming trip to Hogsmeade on Halloween, and three of the Marauders were hard at work with their map in a far corner. Remus wasn't one of them. Truth be told, I hadn't seen him all day aside from when Sirius and I walked back to Gryffindor tower. He simply greeted me and said he was glad I was fine before muttering something about having to go to the library, all the while his eyes glued to Sirius's hand rested on my hip. I hadn't really noticed it there, but once I did it made feel uncomfortable again and I discreetly shifted away from him. Hazel was the one who had let me know ahead of time that Remus and Lily were mad at me.

"Lily," I whined childishly, letting my body fall limply over her crossed legs,"I'm sorry, all right? I know that isn't what you want to hear. I know you rather hear me say that I should have listened to you but try to understand. I love it up there, Lils, I love it! It's the best feeling in the world! Even if I tired I couldn't stay off the broom for too long."

She looked down and my pouting face and sighed. Her breath smelled like strawberry bubblegum though she had not been chewing any, it was probably her lip balm. "I'm not mad at you," her voice was barely above a whisper as she spoke,"it's simply that ... well, how would you feel if your best friend got hurt? If Remus ... You _are _my best friend, Mel, like the sister I wish I had. You mean so much to me, to all of us, and I don't think you should be risking your life for some silly game."

I didn't think so either but I have very little common sense when it comes to things that make me happy. If they do, it doesn't matter if they have the potential to kill or even harm me or even eventually break me emotionally which is why I never tried to get over infatuations and why I had been training to play roller derby since Sophomore year, why in _Beauty & the Beast _I was the silly girl who got dragged off the stage. Pain does not overshadow love ... at least not so far. Why should it? It is much stronger, I think.

"So I'm the Sirius to your James?" I suggested jokingly.

She blushed but River and Hazel who had been listening didn't notice it. "Yes, I suppose that's right. I was thinking more like Dorian and Lord Henry or even Romeo and Mercutio."

I laughed before sarcastically adding, "Of course, because those friendships ended up so well."

She laughed too. "I didn't really think about that."

"Celia and Rosalind?"

"Exactly!" she grinned.

Lily soon finished checking her work and offered to do the same for me but I declined. She was much too kind to me already. Our friendship so far didn't seem all that balanced out. She would pardon me all my cluelessness, stupidity, and recklessness while all I did for her was keep her secret about having feelings for James. That wasn't fair at all. If anything, it only made me feel worse about myself even more than when Remus entered the room right then without so much as glancing in my direction.

His lack of acknowledgement physically hurt me. My insides contorted uncomfortably like I was about to throw up before I felt a horrifying emptiness in my chest. I couldn't feel my heart beat. I couldn't understand why I was so needy of his company or why the simple fact that he probably hadn't seen me or Lily sitting on the floor in front of the couch sparked this in me. It made me sad, it made me angry, but I felt confused most of all, that is, if I ignored the emptiness.

He sat there next to Peter by window, smiling at whatever progress they were making and was seemingly oblivious to what I was feeling. Though on the outside I could feel nothing on the inside I felt like half of me was on fire and the other frozen. I was shivering. This was bloody ridiculous! He wasn't ignoring me, he had said, 'hi' earlier, he just didn't see me when he walked in. The couch blocked me and yet I had a perfect view of him. His hair was as disheveled as ever but miraculously out of his eyes though that didn't do any good. In the dim evening light they looked black and I longed to see them closer.

That was when it hit me worse than a speeding truck on an icy road. I more than fancied Remus, I was in love with him. That didn't even cover it, I was totally mental and over the moon for the boy! My body had been trying to tell me this all along, ever since I landed my ass in this place because of the stupid necklace (which was still nowhere to be found). It explained the lack of excessive drooling around Sirius, it explained the constant warmth I felt when he so much as brushed my arm with his, it explained my difficulty breathing lately whenever he looked straight into my eyes, it explained the inability to stay standing when he kissed me.

Stupid, stupid me! How could I let myself fall for Remus Lupin to such an extent and not even realize it? This was wrong. So, so wrong. It didn't matter if Sirius liked me because chances were that in the future his feelings for me would be a fuzzy memory but Remus? When I liked someone this much, my body would not give up no matter how much I urged it to, not until some sort of progress or certain rejection and I had a very strong feeling that Remus would not reject me, going on what our relationship was like since I first met him here. I know Dumbledore told me when I first arrived that perhaps I had been sent here to change things and make them better but there was no way in hell that I was tampering with Remus's future. Maybe, just maybe, if I somehow stayed here long enough to see him marry Tonks I'd change things so that they'd stay alive. I didn't care if Tonks was an infant at this point with no clue of his existence but I wasn't going to let my unimportant little feelings interfere. No. No. No. No. _NO._

"I win!" River shrieked giddily, breaking me from my reverie. "Pay up, Hazelnut."

"No, you don't, she hasn't said a word!"

River rolled her eyes, throwing her arms up and in my direction dramatically as if she was helping land an airplane from the runway. "That was the face of utter epiphany! Look! She's both terrified and delighted. _Look!_"

Hazel took a moment to examine my expression than turned back to River. "She always has that face when she's zoning out," she explained, sounding as if it should have been obvious to River, before dropping her voice loud enough for only the four of us to hear. "Besides, that wasn't the bet. The bet was 10 Galleons if they started dating which they won't. Remus John Lupin doesn't date, we've been over this a million times!"

"But it's _Melody_!"

Then Lily chimed in. "Hazel, River has a point. He's been in love with Melody for ages."

River nodded fervently. "You see, even Lily thinks so!"

"Yes, but," said Lily causing River's enthusiasm to drop down a notch,"Melody doesn't fancy him as anything more than a friend. We've been over _this_ countless times as well," she sighed then groaned, "Must we do this every time we're all in the same room?"

I had caught up in the conversation and my cheeks were burning. I _did_ fancy him the same way but how can I tell them? They probably wouldn't believe that I had only just then figured it out, they would think I had been keeping it from them, something I never did unless asked with good reason like in Lily's case.

"I-I, um, actually do," I admitted, ducking my head before adding in a murmur, "We've been dating for a some weeks now."

"WHAT?!"

Their jaws dropped. Well, Lily and Hazel's. River, on the other hand, was bouncing up and down on her chair trying to stifle her victorious laughter. I looked around the room feeling my cheeks going red as everyone had turned to stare at us, expecting something fantastic.

"But you didn't tell us," said River in a low voice once the initial shock of my announcement had worn off.

I shrugged, feeling my cheeks growing even warmer. "We had decided against it, at least until we felt more ready but, I don't know, River, I think I'm going to break things off with him."

"WHAT?!" They all screeched again.

"But you can't!" Hazel insisted. "You two were bloody made for each other and you know it would break the poor boy's heart!"

"I know," I sighed weakly, "But there are things out of my control which have lead me to believe this separation would be for the best."

They all frowned at me.

The churning in my stomach returned but it didn't make me want to throw up. I felt lightheaded though and very dizzy. Why? No clue. Anything Remus-related was suddenly having odd effects over my body. Almost blindly, my hands searched for Lily finally clasping onto the end of her sleeve and pulling her towards our dorm.

My mind was spinning along with the floor and the walls and yet my thoughts were clearer than they had ever been in this place. No, I didn't think the time was right or that the scenario called for it but I had to tell her. I had to tell Lily the truth. Not Lily specifically, just someone, anyone, but since Lily had already confided so much in me I though I should return the favor maybe then I'd feel if only a tad bit better.

She was grinning when I locked the door and wrapped her arms tightly around me. "This is ridiculous, Melody! You and Remus are perfect, I can't believe you finally have him and you're just going to throw it all away."

"I know!" I huffed, letting myself fall onto the bed. "You just—I don't—It's complicated, Lils."

"You know, I always though you liked him which is why I've always tried to throw you two together. The way you look at him says it all, but I didn't want to mention it because I knew that if I did River would really never stop going on about it."

I let out a weak laugh because I knew this was true.

"I just can't do it anymore!" Tears were beginning to run down my cheeks.

She looked puzzled by my outburst. I should have been thrilled by this charming new development but knowing that humoring my desires might thoroughly screw the future of them all over I was terrified and a bit pissed off that they all seemed so fucking happy about it. They should have been encouraging me to stay away, telling me that I was doing so for the greater good but they didn't know any of what I did so how could they?

"Of course you can," Lily insisted still looking utterly confused. "If you don't want the others to make a big deal of it then tell them so," even as she said it she didn't seem to believe this would work.

"Lily," my voice was pleading and I was sure my eyes were as well, "I can't. Please don't say anything, just listen to me." I was about to confess everything. I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. Someone had to know and Lily seemed perfect. "I like him, yes. I think I may even love him but I can't let us become anything more, this can never progress. It's too dangerous."

Her eyes widened. I was sure I knew why and I was bracing myself for a fierce scolding but instead the crease between her eyebrows only further deepened. "I don't think I understand you."

With my head in my hands I let out a long sigh. "I haven't told you all that I should have, Lily, and though I don't want to I think I have to. If I don't I'll surely explode."

"Go on."

"You say that I was in a short coma after trials, right? But the truth is that I was never in that accident. I mean, I was but not me _me_. It must sound nonsensical but it's the truth. When Shaun found me yelling in the corridor I had just gotten here. I don't understand any of this but I can honestly say I don't belong here. I was a muggle, Lils, living in America about thirty years in the future and you were just a fictional character in a book. Things made sense, my life was just getting better and now—I don't know, everything's completely and totally fucked."

She was eying me cautiously.

"I'm not crazy! I'm not! At least, I hope I'm not. The day I was screaming in the corridor I had bought a necklace that looked exactly like a time turner and just out of curiosity I decided to try it out. It worked and I landed here as a sodding witch."

She nodded slowly. "And what has Remus got to do with any of this?"

The question startled me. It wasn't one I had been expecting. I didn't know what I had been expecting but it certainly wasn't that. "Y-you believe me?"

"I have no reason not to. You've never lied to me. Ever," she said smiling at lightly patting the back of my hand reassuringly. "Now tell me what this has to do with Remus."

I was quiet for a moment, thinking my words over carefully before speaking them. I wanted to explain this as eloquently as I possibly could, better than I had explained how I got here to her. "The book you all belong to is about—don't laugh, all right—but it is about your son. A son that is also James's son which means it is set in this world's future. I know what might happen to you all and if I interfere more than I already have the consequences may be dreadful. There's absolutely no way of knowing. I don't want to change the good parts of his future, Lily, that's why I can't be with Remus. If I allow myself to be with him now, I'm sure I won't ever let go and if that happens he won't marry who he's supposed to, he won't have the life he's supposed to."

"James and I have a child?" Lily chocked out, sounding horrified though her expression showed something completely different. She was ecstatic. Suddenly she was more interested in what I was saying. I hadn't realized she liked him this much already. Yes, they'd certainly be together sooner than it was written. "What's his name? What does he look like? What is he like?"

I smiled. "His name is Harry James Potter. He looks exactly like his father but has your eyes. He's a brilliant and incredibly boy who saves the wizarding world from you-know-who in the end but you and James never got to see it ..." I refused to say, 'get" if I only changed one major thing here I would make sure it was that. Neither Lily nor James deserved to die the way they did and Harry didn't deserve to grow up in such a vile environment. They would all get to enjoy each others company, if it was the last thing I ever made sure of. "I won't let you die Lily, either of you. Petunia isn't exactly the best guardian."

"I died?"

"You were murdered," I explained through clenched teeth, "but I didn't exist in the books. I exist in this world now and I won't let you die, any of you."

Or let Peter betray you all, I wanted to say but refrained.

"Don't worry. You and James are my first priority and when he is finally with us, Harry will be too."

That was the last thing either of us said for a really long time. Lily lied down and closed her eyes, rubbing her temples as she was surely processing everything I had revealed to her. The silence made me realize I was crying. My erratic breathing was the only loud noise in the room and my jeans were wet with tears. It was the though of perhaps one day living without Lily or James. I was like a sister to them both and they were both so dear to me as well. It wasn't just because of the outline of what Hogwarts Melody's life had been before the accident but because in the time I, the real Melody, had been here, I had become irrevocably attached to everyone here.

I did not want to see them become introverts and convicts, murderers and traitors. I didn't want to see them die or leave knowing that nothing I had done nothing thus far which would prevent that.

When we finally got back up and decided to go downstairs and rejoin the world Lily gave me a small smile and said, "Things have already changed, haven't they?"

I nodded.

"Then there's no reason you and Remus shouldn't be together. With you here, things will be different no matter what. Just think, if Rosaline had been a more prominent character would _Romeo & Juliet_ have been the same? If there had been another Bennett sister or simply another girl that captured Mr. Darcy's attention more than Elizabeth did?" She paused when we reached the top of the stairs and looked me directly in the eye. "Things change with the slightest influence, even if it is unintentional. You have to accept that."

She was right. But when was Lily Evans anything but? It's funny but her words reminded me of a miniseries I had loved back in my world called _Lost In Austen_ where this girl called Amanda was in a situation similar to mine ... Her story had a happy ending, so why couldn't mine?

At dinner I was almost as anxious as Lily had been after she admitted liking James. She too was acting a bit anxious again, constantly staring at James through a curtain of her heavy, dark red hair probably imagining what her son would look like or if she even liked James that much. She did, I was certain of it; the look in her eyes was all the confirmation I needed, just as it had been the only confirmation she needed in regards to my affections towards Remus. It frustrated me, however, that she hadn't immediately gone over and snogged him senseless after I told her about Harry. You'd think that a future of marriage and a child would be confirmation enough from the girl that James really did love her ... or maybe she just didn't trust me as much as I liked to believe. But as I said, I was anxious and quite sad that Remus had not taken his regular seat next to me, having opted instead to sit between Peter and River. I looked across the table hoping that is eyes would meet with mine to ask for some sort of clarity—this had to be about something much bigger than another Quidditch injury—but he seemed dead-set on avoiding me. It became ridiculous after a while until finally it pissed me off so much that I had to confront me.

The moment everyone got up to leave I begun rushing behind him. When we had reached a somewhat isolated corner near the staircase I used all my strength to pull him towards me then against the hard wall behind us. My insides went all flippy anticipating something more intimate than what followed.

"What is your problem, Lupin?" I snapped in loud whisper that was drowned out by the animated chatter of unaware passersby. "Did I do something to offend you or are you really that upset about me not taking your advice?"

He didn't answer but shrugged away from my hold effortlessly, then rubbed his head which I was sure must've been acting dreadfully.

This should have made me angrier but instead it only made me sadder. I felt my eyes welling with tears and though I tried to hold them back I couldn't, they slid quickly down my cheeks before falling onto my robes.

"Why won't you talk to me?"

"Is it that time of the month already, Mel?" he asked rather coldly. "Merlin, It's so frustrating being around you lately! I feel suffocated! Do you really think all my free time is reserved for you or are you really that needy? If that's the case then why don't you run to Sirius or _Andros Vane_?"

This too should have made me angrier. It didn't, though. "It's not the same ... and I am inot/i needy. I'm so confused Remus and the only time I have any sort of clarity is when I'm with you. Things make sense, you know? All right, so maybe I _am _a bit needy in that sense but I can't help it and I'm sorry if it annoys you, though I'm certain that's not what's got you so bothered."

He avoided my eyes again, staring intently at his very old shoes.

"This drama, this anger is completely unnecessary and so out of place!" I groaned. "We were fine just a couple of days ago. What changed? You want me to quit Quidditch? Fine! I'll do it! You want me to chop all my hair off or run about the school starkers? I'll do that too just as long as you let me know why you're mad. You shouldn't be."

My heart seized up when he touched me. The skin where his hand touched my cheek was in flames and when he looked at me, nothing seemed as important. So scratch the clarity part, then. It's the complete opposite, being around Remus. Around him everything is murky and distorted and nonsensical but only so that the feelings he produces within me seem more prominent ... now that we have _that_ out of the way I should try to remind myself how to breathe again.

"He'll hurt you again," he murmured barely loud enough for me to hear it.

His voice was so sincere, so tender that I couldn't help but raise my own hand up to the level of his face and brush his messy hair away from his eyes.

Brown. Were they always brown? Weren't they lighter? I distinctly remember them being lighter; a weird sort of hazel, I think, like James's only prettier and yet they were clearly brown right then.

"Who?"

"Vane," he whispered. "And you'll let him because you always do, a smile on your face the entire time. You're my best mate, Melody, I'd hate to see you broken again."

Then I realized that Sirius must have commented about my asking for information on Vane. They must have thought I was renewing my interest in him and therefore Remus had felt betrayed, inadequate and just pretty damn bad. No wonder he was mad at me.

The words "best mate" stung me horribly since he had accentuated them so clearly but I knew there had to be a lot more behind them.

"You don't have to worry about him or anybody else," I assured him, stroking his cheek with my thumb.

It never even crossed my mind to ask what had happened with Vane, especially not after ...

"I'd hate to see you broken again," he repeated as if musing to himself. I nodded, looking up at him. He seemed to be elsewhere then. "I've been thinking a lot these past couple of days and I think it would just be better for the two of us if we weren't together like this. It was stupid of me to think it would work."

I was like I had been thrown head first into glacial waters and I had no idea how to swim my way to the surface.

"Remus, what are you—are you breaking up with me?" My voice was shaking slightly but I was surprised by how casual my tone had come out. I was thrashing on the inside. I wanted to slap him and tell him to come to his senses. I wanted to tell him that I needed him to stay with me.

"I suppose I am," he replied woodenly. "You'd only get hurt and I could never live with myself if I were the one to cause yo such pain."

But you already are, Remus.

"I can take care of myself, Remus, you know I can," I said stubbornly.

"Sorry, Mel," he whispered, kissing the top of my head before walking away.

I waited until I was completely alone in the corridor to break down. My body crumbled, sliding limply to the ground where I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until I drifted off to sleep.

I did not wake until the following morning. I was on the couch in the common room and Sirius lay on the floor beside me, my hand in his. He had found me. He had cared for me. He fancied me.

All boys are fucking idiots. Especially Remus bloody Lupin.


	9. I Used to Have a Heart

**Chapter 9: I Used To Have A Heart**

October: unbearable

November: even more so

December: totally numb

The days melted into each other in a monotonous and unintelligible blur of identical moments. My marks were better than they had ever before been, I held rigorous (closed) practice sessions from Monday to Saturday—this resulting in a victory for every match thus far, and I had not spoken a word to Remus since he left me alone in that corridor the week before Halloween. It wasn't like he tried talking to me anyway; he was keeping his distance, too. It was probably some idiotic attempt to spare my feelings though we both knew quite well it was far too late for that. I tried to move on but didn't really know how, I tried to forget about him but that was no good either since he sat beside me in virtually every class.

The majority of who I was before the accident—the original Melody of this world—had returned and had seemed to find a sort of zen balance with who I was in California, surprisingly sharing many similarities. I embraced the memories as if they were people and became Hogwarts Melody because though this rejection hurt like hell for her too, she was much better at pretending she didn't give a damn and she was much more devious than California Melody could ever be. Delving into the Hogwarts Melody's recesses of my mind I came up with two options that would not only serve as a distraction but effectively piss Remus fucking Lupin off the most.

Since both Andros Vane and Sirius Black were so keen on me, and pretty much took every open opportunity to coax me into a snog, I decided that I should accept one or the other's advances. I quickly ruled out Andros because I still had no bloody clue what he had done to me in the past that garnered such a strong and violent reaction from me, and because going out with him would piss off _everyone,_ not just Remus. Sirius seemed the perfect option because not only was he his best mate, but it would be a way to play with Remus's insecurities and even I had to admit he was damn fit. Besides, it wouldn't be in violation of the alleged "Code" because none of the boys ever knew Remus and I had been together ...

By the way, did I mention that I had been getting hurt at almost every practice and game since the Bludger incident? Either I was really clumsier than I initially thought or I was cursed. At this point in the adventure, both theories were plausible. Because of this, I found Lily Evans to be a saint in my book. I know it sounds drastic to say something like that but it's because of her that I didn't attend Quidditch practice on Friday. I know that Hogwarts Melody would have probably been pissed at her friend for ratting her out to Madame Pomfrey but I was ecstatic at the prospect of an afternoon without some sort of break, scrape, twist, sprain, or any bleeding (whether it be internal or external). I pretended to be upset as I broke the news to the team. They understood it and took it quite well given our excellent record.

"Don't worry about it, sugarplum," said James, giving me a comforting pat on the back. "I know you're probably dying to get back on the broom but not to worry, you will soon enough."

This particular day I sported a tourniquet on my left arm; my "beating" arm. They weren't at all worried, I seemed to heal rather quick compared to anyone else on the team. That was probably a a perk that came with being clumsy, or rather to make up for it.

In my time here I had discovered that James's ridiculous nicknames were not only reserved for Lily but for me as well—everyone else, apart from the Marauders, referred to me by my surname. Of course, James never said Lily's nicknames to her face because he was smart enough to know that she would curse him into oblivion if he even so much as whispered something like 'Honeybear' in public. I allowed it simply because it made me feel more like a part of the group, not that I didn't before.

"Yeah, sure," I said, pumping my fist in the air with weak enthusiasm.

"You'll be ready by our first match, won't you, Corden?" asked our Keeper, Cyril Graham. "It's against Slytherin. A perfect opportunity to get back at Bainbridge."

Ah yes, Burton Bainbridge, best known as the-asshole-who-I-don't-remember-calling-me-a-dyke-though-everyone-says-he-did-indeed. Well, he had been giving me dirty looks at Potions and going out of his way to attempt to sabotage my nearly perfect work. I'd get back at him, yeah, why not? Especially since he had sat out the last game, the coward.

I nodded, waiting for the perfect opportunity to dash away from them. I told the girls I would meet them in the Library. It wasn't only Remus who I was tutoring (yeah, I was still doing that though our sessions were getting less and less frequent). It was River's idea and I suspected it was just to break me further (I don't know how much further she was expecting to get since I had already told her everything in depth with very intimate details, if I might add). I was having a hard time leaving, though, with Sirius's arm wrapped tightly around me. I didn't mind it much but I wanted to do more magic. I couldn't get enough of it! We hadn't really been doing much in classes that week, mostly bookwork and a couple of potions which, if I do say so myself, I totally rocked at concocting.

Finally, James had Sirius 'escort' me to the library because not only he but the entire team had some protective-older-brother thing for me and thought I was too fragile to walk back alone. I was clumsy and distracted but I was very well capable enough to walk on my own. The various falls had supposedly affected my head not my limbs, unless you counted my injured shin on Tuesday. I wish I wasn't riding the accident excuse train anymore, I was liking it here and I wanted people to stop treating me with caution.

"You must hate Lily now for rating you out to Pomfrey," joked Sirius. He knew nothing would ever make me hate Lily. Everyone knew that.

"Not at all. At least now I know I'll at least live one day longer," I joked back.

He chuckled. "I still can't get used to the way you've been speaking." He meant my lame American accent that I still hadn't been able to get rid of "I like it. It's cute, though it's not as noticeable as it was a couple of months back."

I blushed, despite myself. I didn't even have to look up at him to know he was wearing a smug smile on his perfectly full lips. He sill hadn't let go of me, but his hand had slipped down from my waist to hips and showed no sign of moving. That explained the glares I got from my female peers as we walked down the corridors, they must've though I was Sirius' latest conquest. Let me tell you, the rumors about Sirius were true, I found out enough about that by my third day. Snogging, shagging and everything in between. Apparently he had lost it to a Spanish girl he met over summer holiday our fourth year who was two years older than him. According to Sirius, it was still one of his greatest accomplishments to date.

"I like it when you blush, you know, it make's your cheeks match your hair."

"Did James tell you to compliment me until I was thoroughly embarrassed to see if I would burst?"

"No," he chuckled. "It's true. I admit it's great that you didn't hit me, normally something like that would get me punched. Maybe you should fall and lose your memory more often."

This time I did punch him. Hard. I knew it was hard because it made the two of us wince.

He pulled back into his arms and ruffled my hair playfully. "That's my girl."

I knew very well he liked me more than he should and that he was flirting and I was flirting back but I couldn't stop it. The wheels in my head had begun spinning far before this moment.

"I'm not your girl, Sirius."

When I said this it felt like it was something I said often and from my memories I knew I did, there had even been a dream that was practically a montage of these moments sometime in mid-November. Why was it that Sirius Black liked me so much? Sure I was slightly prettier in this place than I was before but I had seen plenty of girls that out-shined me by miles.

"You can be if you want to," he said softly, almost tenderly his eyes all soft and warm.

He had pushed me into a corner so that there was no escape but I couldn't say I minded it all that much. At least not in the moment. Hormones are irrational and the proximity was maddening, and I hadn't had anything like this in months.

My heart begun to race, I felt heat in the pit of my stomach and I was afraid to open my mouth, knowing that I would say something stupid. Darn my overactive hormones! You'd think I was a teenage boy! Of course, I didn't have a thing for Sirius or anybody else (I refused to count Remus since I was ignoring him almost completely) but my body couldn't care less. It all seemed so routine. So familiar. It was almost like a dance that we practiced repeatedly, so much that we were almost bored of it because there was no progress being made. Key word: almost. This was actually thrilling for me.

At that moment I knew my plan for revenge would be super simple to accomplish.

"Not a chance, Black."

I pushed myself away from him and sauntered into the library. This was like a scene in some cheesy teen movie where I was playing the hard-to-get girl and Sirius, the starry-eyed boy. Weird.

"You'll give in eventually," he called after me and I could just picture that smirk of his.

Little did he know I would in a couple of hours.

River told me she would be meeting me in the History section. That was to be our lesson today: History of Magic, since it appeared to be her worst subject. What better way to improve her abilities than to be tutored by the third best student in the class, right? I found the section but River wasn't there. I immediately thought they had probably gotten tired of waiting for me to show up, that I had taken to long explaining my situation to the team, and left.

I turned around, deciding that if they had indeed left I'd find them in the common room. But as fate would have it, I would spend the entire afternoon with ...

"Remus!" I exclaimed in a whisper after having crashed into him. Remember I said I was distracted? Yeah, well combine that with my habit of looking down at my feet when I walk and you've got a person to person collision.

"I'm so sorry," I apologized, frantically beginning to play with the ends of my hair. "I should have seen where I was going."

"Don't worry about it, really. See, no harm done." He got up in one swift, graceful motion with his papers and books and even helped me up. Not that I needed help to get back up but it was a kind gesture. Damn him. "So, what are you doing here? I thought you had practice today."

"I did until Lily told Madame Pomfrey I've still been going. She's officially restricted me from so much as going near the pitch until our next match. So I'm alive for at least a few weeks more," I joked.

Why was I speaking to him?! This was totally unacceptable! He didn't deserve my words! Especially those of the friendly and lighthearted variety!

He laughed softly. "Were you looking for River? She said that if I saw you down here to tell you she wouldn't be able to make the tutoring session today. She didn't exactly tell me why but it had to do something with Shaun Kerr and Hazel dragging her somewhere ..."

"Oh, well that's too bad." My disappointment was genuine. It's not like I wanted her to fail History of Magic. Hazel should have been a little bit more considerate in choosing a stalking partner.

I though I saw his face brighten but I could have just been the light streaming in through the murky window behind me. "Well, If you don't really have anything to do, could you help me? Only if you'd want to! I came down here to get a little studying done for Potions anyway and well, like I said if you want—" he was starting to ramble. It was cute but I mentally slapped myself when I began getting all jello-y. "I know I'm not as bad at the subject as many of the others in our class but at least I've never made my cauldron explode and cause my partner to bark for the rest of the day," he said, referring to Andros Vane's Potions disaster on Wednesday. Sirius and James couldn't stop laughing, grasping this opportunity, like so many others, to try to get me to stop considering him as my possible pawn by showing me what a prat he was. Slughorn didn't give him detention for it, Slytherin favoritism and all.

We didn't actually practice making any, but we read over the potions' instructions. As we did, I told me everything he did wrong and what he should've done instead. True, I wasn't a master at the subject like Lily was but I seemed a fair enough tutor. Then I let him help me out with DADA and he was excellent at explaining everything to me. Why else would he have been written as such in _Prisoner of Azkaban_? He didn't make me feel stupid or silly whenever I didn't understand something or when I'd ask something with a fairly obvious answer.

We had left the library after I agreed so this was all by the Black Lake under the tree which he, Peter, Sirius, James and I sat under all our free period the previous day. It was such a serene spot on the grounds, romantic even. It didn't make this situation any easier for me. I i_was/i_ paying attention—I didn't want to screw up—but I couldn't help thinking about him and our proximity and I wondered what this must've been like for him. Did he feel anything at all? At the very least the electric current that seemed to be rushing in the small space between us? Or did he really not notice; really not care?

"I think I get it now. Thanks, sweetheart."

I had done so perfectly since October and suddenly I was having all sorts of slip ups. I shouldn't have agreed to tutor him. No. No. No. I mean, it was pathetic! I didn't even notice when I wrapped my arms around him!

I wanted so desperately to sink into him, melt into his every pore and stay there forever. He called me 'sweetheart' that had to mean something! ... But then, James also called me that on occasion, it could have been in that little sister sort of way. The bastard dumped me after all, it hadn't been the other way around.

Sigh.

He hugged back hesitantly and that snapped me out of whatever weird trance his presence had put me in. It pissed me off.

"I rather keep avoiding you than have things be awkward," I said gathering my things up quickly.

"You don't understand," he began, "I just don't know how to explain and—"

"You know what?" I interrupted. "I don't fucking care, Lupin! I really don't! You've kicked my heart in the ass. That's enough damage don't you think? Just go about your business and leave me the bloody hell alone, yeah?"

"We've missed dinner," he said as I begun walking away from him.

I snapped back around. "I'm not fucking hungry," I lied angrily though my stomach growled, not loud enough for him to hear.

Having taken the short cut, Remus reached Gryffindor Tower sooner than I did but I climbed through the portrait soon enough too see him stomp up the stairs to his dormitory. 'That's what you get,' I thought, plopping down in my favorite armchair.

I hadn't realized it was already occupied until I heard a small grunt.

Surprise, Surprise. It was Sirius.

Though obviously pleased and amused by this he sounded glum as he spoke. "I had saved you a seat at dinner."

"I'm sorry, I really am. River canceled our tutoring session last minute and then I bumped into Remus and I ended up tutoring him instead. I guess it took a lot longer than we though it would. He's rubbish at Potions," I sighed. "Has it always been that way?"

They all shook their heads. "He used to be almost as good as you and Lily," Peter, who was sitting opposite us told me.

Wow. What happened then?

"Come on, love, let's get you something to eat," he said as James, who had been lounging on the couch, threw me over his shoulder.

My hands reflexively flew to my skirt pulling in down so that neither Sirius nor Peter would see my knickers. The gesture made me giggle, though, and it made it clear to me that I was dear to all of them whether in a simple sisterly and platonic way or romantic way I still wasn't one-hundred percent sure though I tended to go with the former. I knew that Sirius and I innocently flirted, that I was trying not to like (love or think about) Remus even though River had been bombarding me with her notes and observation on him since the breakup convinced he hadn't really meant it, James was predictably obsessed with Lily, and I still hadn't spent enough time around Peter to know where he stood on the emotional spectrum in regards to me though I had suspected for a while that he had been carrying the torch for River and vice versa.

I hoped I would get to know Peter better. Maybe this would be one of my "absolutely have-to" things on my list of changes. If I became better friends with Peter I could attempt to make him braver and maybe even more loyal to his friends so that he would not betray them in the future. That was perfect! That would certainly have to be one of the reasons I was here. Think about it, if Harry has his parents, his godfather, and even Peter on his side along with everyone else he could easily defeat Voldemort sooner. It was totally logical.

I sat thinking about this as I mechanically ate my baked potato. I could hear the buzz of conversation coming from the boys but I was much too concentrated on the little plan formulating in my head to make out exactly what it was they were saying. I didn't think they would notice but those boys didn't miss a beat. I was too quiet, it seemed.

"Alright, Mel?" Peter asked, his mouth full of chocolate cake as he spoke.

I grimaced. "Yeah, yeah. But, Pete? Chew and swallow before you speak." I suggested as politely as I could manage.

He chuckled and nodded following my instructions. "Sorry. Sometimes I forget you're big on good manners," he explained apologetically. "You understand, don't you? Hanging around blokes so much sometimes I forget when there's a girl around."

"It's fine, Peter, really. I just didn't want you to choke." And quite frankly, it looked disgusting, but I wasn't just going to tell him that, was I?

"Really, are you all right?" asked James. "You looked out of sorts, like you were in some other place completely." He slid across small surface of the counter until he was right beside me and but his arm around my shoulders. "What's got you troubled, kid?"

I rolled my eyes. "James, I'm only two months younger than you, that's hardly enough to be calling me 'kid.'" I told him, scooting away from him to avoid the awkward distance between our faces. I didn't like him like that and I knew he didn't like me like that either but that didn't mean it wasn't awkward. "Besides, nothings troubling me, I was just thinking."

"About what?" asked Peter, then out of nowhere adding, "You and Remus have been acting rather oddly."

Why did he have to be so bloody observant when I don't want or need him to be?

Sirius and James stayed quiet, staring at me as they waited for my reply.

I reply. "Search me. Remus doesn't tell me everything. I reckon he doesn't tell you lot everything either." I knew right well he didn't. "I was just thinking about Hogsmeade, next weekend's the last trip before holiday. I've gotten a few offers ... from a few Ravenclaws and one or two Hufflepuffs, even Vane but there's no way in hell I'm going with him."

I couldn't tell them that I was thinking about the future and how I could prevent Lily and James from dying and Sirius from going to Azkaban for twelve years by being nicer to Peter and encouraging him to get a backbone. I also couldn't tell them I was trying not to think of the noises Sirius was making as he ate which resembled the cute little moaning sounds Remus used to make whenever we snogged.

"Those gits?" scoffed James with heavy disapproval. "Why on earth would you be thinking about going with?"

I shrugged. "I turned them down. Obviously, I rather spend the day with you poor, dateless sods than them."

"Oi!" they all protested, rather more high pitched than I would have expected.

We made it back to the Common Room before curfew which I was thankful for. I didn't need detention with Hogsmeade so close. The girls were there probably waiting for me. River and Hazel were looking absolutely knackered from running about after Shaun all day while Lily sat next to them, her nose in a book as always. The book: _my diary!_

My questioning would have to wait, there were too many people here for us to talk about the future and talk about my time-and-dimension-traveling. What was worse was that I had my dreams written in it, things I had yet to tell her.

The boys went off to their dormitory all giving me a goodnight hug but I was still going to go through with the plan I had devised, I was going to have to do it myself if I wanted to do it fast. As he was about to go up the stairs, I tugged at Sirius' sleeve first checking that Remus—who stood at the top of the stairs looking glum—wouldn't notice. This would have to hit him, hit them all, by surprise.

"Sirius?" I asked, my voice soft and alluring. I was trying to be seductive, looking up at him through my eyelashes.

His crooked smirk promptly appeared. "What can I do for you, sweetheart?"

"Well, I didn't really want to ask in front of the others, but I was wondering if you wanted to go to Hogsmeade together?"

"Yeah, of course, but wasn't that already settled?"

Was he really that daft or was he merely pretending?

"No," I giggled, beginning to play with the collar of his shirt. I bit my lip. "I meant, just with me? The two of us ... alone?"

It seemed like this was how it was supposed to go down and it seemed to be working. I noticed the goosebumps suddenly erupt over the exposed bits of skin at his neck and his breath hitched a second before the smirk returned.

"What took you so long?"

"I dunno,"I shrugged. "I guess I just got tired of playing these games."

I was tired of being alone and if just being close this to him made me forget the pain I felt for loving Remus then what would more than that do? I was tired of hoping Remus would come back and Sirius just happened to be standing in front of me, quite willing to take his place.

My conscience chimed in, _You'll bugger everything up. Remus will hate you, James will hate Sirius and Sirius will hate you even more than Remus for using him like this. You're digging yourself into a hole too bloody big to climb out of._

No shit.


	10. Much Too Long

**Chapter 10: Much Too Long**

He was always eager and enthusiastic in our broom cupboard sessions, but gentle nevertheless. He was never afraid to explore below my robes though I never let him go too low or two high. I hated admitting it but I wasn't ready for him to touch me or for things to get so intense. I hated admitting it by every time he tucked my hair behind my ear or offered to carry my books I wished he was Remus. I had finally agreed to go out with Sirius Black just to get over Remus Lupin, to forget all about him, and all it was doing was the opposite. They were so different and yet everything about the way they treated me as a girlfriend was identical.

Sirius was fantastic in every possible way but there was still something missing. Between us there was no spark as there had been between me and Remus and I was quite certain it was because I knew I did not love him, and could not properly return his affections.

"Vane taught you well," he grinned idiotically as he pulled away, earning his a slap. For some odd reason he just loooved it when I hit him or was mean to him.

"He wishes," I snorted. "Mine is a natural talent."

I felt guilty about all this but that doesn't mean I didn't have fun with it. Sirius was my best friend and besides the fact that we now made out on a regular basis our dynamic had not dramatically changed. He was still a git, but now he was my git.

It was all so new to me, this confidence in myself and manipulation of others. When I was in high school I did everything humanly possible to be invisible, later regretting it when even the most unfortunate-looking of my friends had dates to the Prom and I didn't. I hadn't even gotten a single offer and here it seemed every guy wanted to be with me ... except the one I wanted. I knew I shouldn't have been whining about it since I was dating the most sought-after boy in school and was the envy of many. I was finally popular but felt more invisible and useless than I ever had before. All I could think about was whether Remus noticed this? Did he even care that behind my cute and smug exterior I was decomposing?

At least I was getting the desired effect by dating Sirius. Remus absolutely loathed this. I could tell and he knew I could and he knew how much I loved it, yet he didn't try to hide his distaste. Unfortunately, James wasn't all that thrilled by the "us" either which was why we had—as I had previously agreed to do with Remus before he dumped me—agreed to wait only we had a date set: Hogsmeade.

Let me say the only thing harder than getting ready for a date is getting ready for a date with _Sirius Black_.

Despite my antics the past week with all the snogging and sneaking around, I was not going to play this from the slut angle since I also wanted to look nice for someone who I refused to name for fear his very name make me hyperventilate or put me in a fit of rage. It took looking through everything in my trunk to finally find something decent since I refused to ask my roommates to lend me something for the sole reason that they, as well as the boys, had no idea about this arrangement.

I settled on wearing the last scrap of fabric at the bottom of my trunk: a tartan wrap dress that went just above my knee in a sort of bubble skirt way with matching flats and thick steel gray tights. This would not have looked nearly as fantastic on my real body—breast really _did _make all the difference. I decided on wearing very little makeup and my hair in a low loose bun under a black beret. The finishing product was lovely, if I do say so myself, but I couldn't help feeling like something was still missing. A necklace. So I grabbed a piece of black ribbon from the pile of rubbish on top of my bed and tied it around my neck turning the bow towards the nape. That seemed to do the trick.

Having gotten up at an an hour that was unnaturally early even for me, I was left to wait for everyone down in the common room. It was frustrating because I was nervous and because of my lip gloss I wasn't able to bite down on my lip as I usually did when I felt like this. Eventually, after what felt like an eternity of pacing and sighing and picking at my olive green nail polish, I heard someone come down the stairs. I would have thought it was River but to my surprise it was ...

"Sirius!"

He looked at me as if I were an angel and that is understating it. He didn't look so shabby himself. He sported a pair of black jeans and a white Oxford beneath his worn black leather jacket and matching boots. He smiled his charming crooked smile and took my hands in his.

"Looks like I'm not the only one who couldn't wait," he chuckled. "You look gorgeous, love."

"Thanks. So do you."

He begun leaning in for a kiss but I pulled a Georgia Nicholson and turned it from possible lip-to-lip action to lip-to-cheek. This didn't seem to hurt him but I knew it would if I kept this up the entire date. It wasn't that I didn't i_want/i_ to kiss him, because I could admit I did, but I had heard the sound of someone coming down the stairs only a split second before.

"I think we should tell the lads," he murmured as the rest of the Marauders came into view.

"I think you're right," I whispered back.

Remus and James were already eyeing us suspiciously though Peter seemed utterly oblivious. I guess if him holding my hand didn't give it away then Sirius's greater-than-usual effort in getting ready that morning had.

"What's this?" asked James. I could already sense his temper threatening to spark up at us.

I couldn't let Sirius take all the credit because this was my doing so I let go of his hand and stepped forward, palms facing James as if that would placate him some.

"Well, Prongs, to put it in plain English, Sirius and I are kind of together now," I said with a grin that only a child who had done something terribly wrong should sport. "'Kay, now that that's settled, I say we go get some breakfast. Who's with me? I, for one, am starving!"

James managed to grab hold of my arm and pull me back as I attempted to strut casually away. There was that look of a protective older brother about him again embodied in the crease between his eyebrows and the tight line his lips had become. I thought he'd be okay with Sirius, them being almost like brothers and all. I understood why he would be iffy about Remus; he'd worry that his being a werewolf would put me in some sort of danger but Sirius? Was he worried over the safety of my _purity_? Really, was that it? How unlike a Marauder!

"Wait, when did this _charming_ new development occur?" he asked, probably taking the words right out of Remus's mouth by the looks of it.

"I asked him to Hogsmeade last week. I've wanted to for a while."

I didn't even have to look to know that Sirius's expression was smug. His confidence reached me in waves of electric current not unlike those I received from Remus's touch. Admittedly, Remus's were much better.

"And you thought you'd keep it a secret from us, did you, Padfoot?"

I didn't turn when he spoke either, my eyes were locked on Remus who was looking at me unblinking with utter betrayal strewn across his features. Why should he feel that way? He could have prevented all of this if he hadn't been such a jerk. Were it not for his stupidity we'd still be together.

"It was after you lot had gone to bed. Besides, we're telling you now, aren't we?"

"He's got a point," Peter mumbled. I smirked, despite myself.

James still didn't seem pleased though he was somewhat placated. I walked to him and patted his shoulder reassuringly.

"James, I'm a big girl. I know you love me and all but the truth is you're not my big brother. I adore the fact that you care about my safety and well-being but I can take care of myself, especially from a git like Sirius." At this even he had to smirk but Remus's face remained unchanging and that both puzzled and worried me.

How would the girls take the news then? Would they see through my act and discover my true motives? Surely they would, especially Lily. They were all capable and intelligent and they all knew how I felt about Remus. None of them would be so thick as to believe I'd have gotten over him just like that and moved on to someone like Sirius.

My response came soon enough and was spot on in comparison with what I though would happen. We were all deadly quiet throughout breakfast though not without murmurs around us and scathing glares from my female peers directed at me. It was ghastly, really, I don't know how I managed getting through it but the point is it did end and we were soon all on our way down to the village.

"This is completely idiotic," Lily fumed in a hushed voice after I had pulled her away into the corridor and given her my lame explanation as to why I was now dating Sirius Black. About for Remus to come around was getting me nowhere and would not progress in the future, etc.

"I'm sure I can learn to love Sirius, Lils," I whispered, as a couple of my teammates walked by. "He actually likes me, you know? I don't have to nor do I _want_ to wait for Remus to have an epiphany that may never occur. I'm all for instant gratification and you know it."

"This is so like you," she hissed scathingly. "All this is going to do is anger everyone you care about if they figure you out."

It was almost an echo of my conscience the night before. As always, she had a point but as always I just wouldn't listen. "Allow me this small happiness, Lily, as shallow as it is. I need it. I need someone who isn't _him._"

"As a distraction, you mean? Don't try to deny it, I can see the truth of it written all over your face."

I could only nod. She was right.

"Well, I suppose this is a step up from Andros Vane. A very small one, mind you, but progress is progress, I suppose."

"Thank you."

After that my roommates sort of just spread out. To my surprise (everyone else's) Hazel had somehow managed to hook Shaun Kerr without any of my help which left Lily and River to themselves. They didn't seem to mind. The boys tagged along like I expected they would. I knew it wouldn't be the whole date which is why I was trying to call myself down before we actually reached the village. This was so like me, to start freaking out at the last minute. They were just walking down with us and James was taking full advantage of the little time he had threatening Sirius about what would happen should he do any sort of harm to me, whether physical or mental. I took advantage of this situation, after just two or three seconds of unsuccessfully trying to get myself sorted, by trying to figure out what had crawled up Remus's arse. He was quieter than usual, avoiding me more than usual and the expression that had graced his face earlier that morning was still there with no signs of fading.

"You _are _okay with this, aren't you, Remus?" I asked, searching for his eyes. I knew this was cruel but I found enjoyment in it.

He refused to look at me. "Oh, of course, you two are i_perfect/i_ together. Why didn't _I _ever think of such a pairing?" his voice was laced with nothing but sardonic bitterness. No matter how much I expected it, it still fucking stung.

"If it's so perfect why have you been scowling all this time?" I'll admit that deep in the back of my mind I was praying he was jealous of Sirius. I was praying he'd finally let his true feelings for me take over and kiss me or hug me or _something_! ... but for him to let his true feeling out he actually had to possess those feeling and I wasn't all that sure he did anymore.

"I'm not scowling," he replied lamely. "We can't all be rays of sunshine at all miserable hours of the day, now, can we?" What a git! If only he knew how that was so not the case. If only he knew how I was miserable 99.9% of the time just knowing that he existed and was so close but couldn't possibly be mine because he was too stubborn Thanks, Lupin, thanks a bunch!

"Whatever." My witty comeback. "Looks like you're in need of a girlfriend, mate. Might do you some good." I was pretending our thing never happened. I was pretending I didn't care. I was pretending this was just normal banter between a girl and her guy friend.

_I _might do you some good.Y_ou _might do _me _some good. Merlin, Remus! Get your fucking hair out of your eyes and see how I'm just _dying_ here! Why can you see how much I bloody love you?!

"Thanks, but I'm only interested in one girl and she kicked my heart in the ass today," he said brightly, before going back to his gloomy self.

I let out a snorting laugh. I couldn't help it. "Only after you did the same to mine, Lupin," I retorted. "This 'development' was inevitable and you know it's all your fault."

"You just don't understand," he sighed, shaking his head in frustration.

"Reconsider explaining it to me, then we'll talk." With that I walked away.

I thought we would have split after James had finished talking to Sirius but straight after he moved on to me, thinking it would be a good idea to restate all of his threats. It was a much longer conversation than the one he had had with Sirius because James went off on a tangent and begun asking me about Lily. He asked about progress and if she talked about him and I, without giving too much away, told him that he was on the right track and that Lily mentioned him in a positive way on occasion.

"Stay on this track and you're golden, mate," I assured him with a light pat on the back.

He was beaming. "Really?! You're not just saying that?"

I rolled my eyes. "Haven't you been listening to a single word that's come out of my mouth, you git?"

He picked me up and spun me around, kissing my cheek as he set me carefully back down on my feet. "You're the best, Melody."

"Hey, you're the one following my advise. It's mostly your doing. Like I said, just keep it up."

He grinned and continued walking at my side, now with a certain spring to his step. It was almost like his confidence and happiness created a glowing aura around him that made him look both incredibly beautiful and invincible, at once. Had I not known any better, I would have thought he had found himself a vial of Felix Felicis—something i_I/i _felt I desperately needed for this situation I had gotten myself in.

Just because I was happy that James was making progress and was happy about it didn't mean had forgotten why I was here or where I was going, nor did it make the fact that I could feel Remus's gaze boring into my back as James and I walked ahead of him, Sirius and Peter. I could hear Sirius talking to them animatedly about his plans though he tried to keep his voice down so that it would be a secret to me, so it was more of a whisper once it reached me and James. Peter would give a very brown-nosing Peter sort of answer while Remus merely gave low noncommittal grunts. Sirius was so wrapped up in his own thoughts and plants he didn't even notice his friend's odd behavior. Either that or he didn't care which I admit, sadly enough, was so like Sirius.

"You know what, Mel? I want to get you a gift," said James suddenly. "Now, before you said I don't have to, let me just say that I want to do it. You really deserve it, you really do. Anything you want."

"Bloody hell, James, your thanks is well more than enough. You shouldn't go spending your money on me. Sirius already seems quite keen on doing that." I said, jerking my head towards the aforementioned boy who was standing by a window of goblin-made jewelry asking Peter and Remus which one I'd like the most.

I really liked getting presents but I hated it at the same time. It made me feel special, yeah, but I never felt like I deserved it. Even if it was a cheap, tacky little gift I didn't feel worthy of the thought the giver had put into it.

It surprised me, however, that Remus was actually being quite opinionated in this case. He was really _helping _Sirius find something I'd like and Sirius was obviously relieved that Remus knew so much about what I liked and didn't like. But why would he help? Wasn't he totally mad at me for this little game I was playing? Boys are so odd and confusing ... and they say we're the difficult ones! _Puh-leeze_!

"Do think it'd be a good idea to try to talk to Lily now?" James asked just before he, Remus and Peter were about to go off their own way.

Remus's eyes were fixed on Sirius's hand around my waist _again_, with a look of longing. It made me smile a little, hoping he was going through as much pain as I had.

"You can," I permitted. "Remember: keep it light, keep it casual, and above all, keep that ego of yours deflated. Are we clear?"

"Crystal," he grinned, kissing my cheek again before giving Sirius a sharp glare and telling him, "Touch her in any way that might be deemed inappropriate and you can kiss the family jewels goodbye." With his wand he pointed at Sirius's lower regions, he smiled and said, "Well, see you both at dinner. Have fun!"

"Oh we will," muttered Sirius as they walked further away from us.

I breathed in and out slowly and softly so that he would not see that I was nervous. Being so gorgeous that merely looking at him made me lose my breath would only make him feel all the more arrogant. It wasn't true but that's the way he'd see it. If only he knew that only Remus was capable of rendering me breathless, speechless, and of making my heart stop mid-beat with a mere glance in my direction.

"So where to?" he asked eagerly.


	11. Beni Accident

**Chapter 11: Beni Accident**

"Sirius?" I asked. "Where are we going?"

We had strayed away from the general masses which clogged the high street and were walking into a less populated area which appeared to be nearing the forest.

"The Shrieking Shack," he replied plainly.

"What?!" My voice went several octaves up.

He looked at me, smirking with a raised eyebrow. "You're not scared are you?"

"No. No. _Hell to the no_," I said, refusing to walk any further and instead plopping down on a rather large boulder behind me. "I'm not going in there."

"Honestly, Melody, where is your sense of adventure?" Where, indeed. I didn't care how brave the Melody he had once known was, but I was a right coward. Though I knew it wasn't really haunted there was still something unnerving about stepping into a dark, empty house with no one but Sirius.

When he saw that I would not budge he rolled his eyes and said, "It's not even that scary. Trust me, I've been there loads of times."

Of course he had, he and the rest of the Marauders. I knew it was not inhabited by unfriendly spirits but by a sad and confusing werewolf every full moon. Perhaps that was the real reason for my apprehension: Remus. This was all some sort of clever waltz to try to forget him while at the same time all I wanted was for him to notice me, and stepping into this place ... it felt wrong. This was a safe place, this was refuge, and I thought myself an intruder if I entered without his permission. I would never have his permission. I was sure of this, and yet I could not stop Sirius from dragging me inside unless I said something, and I didn't want to.

"But the Shrieking Shack, Sirius? Really?"

He laughed. "You'll be fine, my oh-so fearless Captain."

The Shrieking Shack was dingy and dusty and dark and eerie even with the knowledge that there was nothing to be scared of. I'll admit, I felt a sort of closeness to Remus knowing that this was were he felt safest on his darkest days. It made me wish I had a place like that. It also made me sad, it made me want to curse God, as blasphemous as that sounds, for giving such a beautiful, compassionate, loving man such a curse, something he, under no circumstances, ever deserved. In all, it felt terribly wrong of me, of us, to be there without him.

"What's wrong?" asked Sirius, a hint of worry in his voice.

I didn't know what he meant before I felt the moisture flowing down my cheeks. I was crying. Again. I feared this was becoming something of a habit of mine.

"I don't know," I admitted, allowing my body to limply fall to the floor. "This place is just so beautiful, so tragic. I guess—I don't really know ... I-I'm sorry."

"What are you apologizing for? You've done nothing wrong."

"I haven't?" I cocked my eyebrow. "So you mean I haven't completely buggered up some intricate plan of yours to get me alone so you could get some?"

By the looks of him, I had caught him. Typical boy to assume he'd get any on the first real date. If it was wrong to simply be in the house without Remus's permission, then doing something so rude, so tasteless was far worse. Especially considering that I still loved him very much, despite everything. And yet ...

"Doesn't sound like such a bad idea right about now, though," as the words left my mouth I couldn't believe I was saying them, even if I was joke.

Sirius didn't seem to register this. His eyes brightened and he took my mouth in his with such force and pent-up lust that I would have thought he had been on the verge of spontaneously combusting like one of Peter's Potions assignments. Now this was quite the predicament, wasn't it? I was _really _leading him on, wasn't I?

His hand had found his way underneath my dress and snaked it's way up my leg, my stomach ... up and up and up ... I gasped into his mouth and he grinned into the kiss. I couldn't deny that it felt good as much as it felt wrong but this was why I had decided upon dating Sirius wasn't it. The physical aspect of it, the kissing, the touching, the intimacy, so that I get a certain lycanthropic teenage boy out of my head. Sirius's hands seemed to provide me the vacation I so desperately needed from all my dizzying thoughts.

I hadn't noticed when he had pulled my dress off, let alone my bra. There I was with my back against the wall in nothing but my frilly pink knickers with Sirius Black nibbling hungrily down my neck. When had he lost his clothes, too?! Was I so distracted by kissing that I hadn't even noticed him shed his clothes? Apparently. Why was I letting it things go so fast?

I wanted to tell him to stop but it just felt so _... _I would have been crazy to do so now when we were already this far. I needed his hands, his lips, every inch of him on me. It didn't matter that I didn't love _him _because I loved the way this felt to me. Wrong but delicious. So very, very wrong ...

My kickers were gone now and I could feel myself tensing for what I knew was coming next.

I had to stop it _now_! I couldn't so this to Sirius or myself.

I opened my eyes and began to speak his name before I realized that it wasn't Sirius.

"Remus?"

Yes, it was Remus. How? I don't know but there I was in his arms, totally starkers.

He looked down at me and smiled before kissing me again. How I had missed those eyes, those amber (sometimes brown) eyes that scanned every inch of me tenderly yet hungrily.

My body relaxed immediately with this new knowledge, giving him permission to do with me anything he pleased just as I had always dreamed.

I gasped. My eyes flew open and the imagined cold of the shack was replaced by the snug warmth of blankets.

Oh, right. It wasa dream. That was all it was ever going to be. I was back in my bed in my dormitory in the middle of the night and, luckily, I hadn't woken anyone up. My date with Sirius had been as one would expect a date to be, snogging and whatnot. This was all it was ever going to be ... Maybe not, I thought as the events of the day came rushing back to me.

Our first destination had ended up being Zonko's because I was not the kind girl that was into the frilly, lovey-dovey-ness of Madame Puddifoot's and his suggestion of a deserted alley was just not the right place to start off, as I told him. I was entranced by the joke shop. It was brilliant and even better than I had imagined it when reading the books.

Sirius never let go of my hand and made sure that everyone saw us together. I shied away from this, especially after I took notice of how some of the girls were glaring at me. It was much worse now when they knew it was official. There wasn't any way to make it clearer unless Sirius had yelled out 'Hey, look, Melody's my latest conquest!' Now not only would I have to worry about _his _reaction when I dumped him but I'd also have to watch my back to save myself from the attack of the horde of drunken monkeys that called themselves his fan club. Though dainty and benign-looking creatures they were bitches not to be messed with. I couldn't let their 2-inch dark roots and glittery eye shadow fool me.

I found Peter perusing through the shop after we had been there for about fifteen minutes. He carried loads of sketchy objects in his arms and I suspected they were for James. Peter didn't have that much money and I'm sure James had managed to persuade him to come and spy on us after Remus probably refused. I knew James was on his best behavior but I also knew he couldn't resist tormenting Snape now and again and by the looks of the products that was exactly what he was going to do. On the bright side if he pranked Snape that would give me the perfect opportunity to break it off with Sirius since he was very well aware of how I felt towards the matter.

When we had stocked up on prank gear I suggested the three of us head for the Three Broomsticks were James, the-ex-who-would-not-be-named and the others were sure to be. The truth was that I was not ready to be let alone with Sirius and this seemed like the perfect subtle way to prevent this from happening. I knew from previous trips to Hogsmeade that we could easily spend hours and hours in that place and not even realize it.

The first thing that caught my eye as we entered the pub was Mary Macdonald, our ever elusive roommate, sitting at the very back of the pub all by herself. Sirius and Peter had spotted our friends and had begun ushering me in their direction but I pulled away, promising to join them later. I didn't feel too bad about leaving Sirius because we had already spent what I felt was plenty of time together than morning and I'll admit it was fun. The boy was my friend for a reason, after all. He was witty and funny and overall entertaining, not at all bad to look at. I could have chosen worse but he had been there at my disposal. He didn't seem to mind, anyway, having missed hanging out with his mates.

Mary didn't look up as I approached, far too engrossed in a very old copy of Nabokov's _Lolita_. I thought this more than a little odd since Mary—like Sirius and me—was from one of the few pureblood families left in the UK, but Lily had a massive collection of muggle lit in our dorm so I figured she could have just borrowed it from her.

"Wotcher!" I chirped, quietly enough not to scare her.

I still made her jump.

She looked up at me with wide-eyed and offered me a halfhearted, lopsided smile.

"Oh, hello, Melody." Was it just me, or did she just not like me. Did she, dare I say, hate me?

I shrugged off the suspicion when she didn't protest my joining her in her isolation. I had pulled pulled out a chair and she stayed silent so I thought it was safe enough to take a seat. She had even but her book to the side as I did this. She looked somewhat intrigued by my visit.

"What are you doing here all by yourself? Didn't anyone ask to come with you?"

She snorted and begun fidgeting with the sleeves of her fuzzy, bright yellow jumper. Her cheeks had suddenly gone bright red which created a shocking contrast with her original skin color.

Her voice was small as she spoke again. "Well, someone did but I told him I wasn't coming down here; that I was busy."

"But why?"

Her eyebrows knitted together. She went from shy to seriously angry in no time flat. "Gosh, Melody, I think I'd slap you if it weren't for your head injury," she snapped, not loud enough for anyone else to hear but sharp enough to make me flinch away from her. "You know guys like Beck don't go for girls like me, they like girls like you. You're all skinny and pretty and athletic and I'm, well, ... not any of those things. I'm sure it was just some stupid joke or bet or something."

This came as quite a surprise to me since Beck was, aside from James and Sirius, one of my best friends (and best players) on the team and I had no clue about this. He had been acting a bit different for some weeks, but I never would have suspected it would be because he fancied Mary. Not that she was ugly at all, she was actually beautiful, it was just her personality that made her forgettable. I was familiar with her insecurities and with self-loathing. Just looking at her made all those high school memories come flooding back. All the sadness, the loneliness, feeling worthless. I used to be big on self-deprecating humor back in the day.

"Mary, Beck's not like that. He's the sweetest guy I've ever met, really, he's just lovely and if he's asked you out it must be because he really likes you."

She snorted again. "I'd believe that if he were blind."

I groaned, running my hand through my fringe. "Damn it, Mary! I've had enough of this I'm-not-good-enough bullshit of yours! It wouldn't hurt to give it a shot! I mean, if he did end up hurting you I'd just make him pay for it, wouldn't I?"

"Yeah, right," she sighed, with an eye roll. "When have you ever done anything for me?" Her tone was harsh. "You don't even like me! This is the first conversation we've had since you got popular our second year and left me..." she trailed off, looking embarrassed to have admitted this.

"Mary," I said softly as I reached for her hand. She pulled it away the moment my icy fingertips touched her. "I'm sorry. I had no idea—Why didn't you say anything sooner?"

She looked away from me, down at the floor. "I didn't think it would matter," she grumbled.

"Of course it matters, Mary! I may be regaining my memories now but but I've truly become a different person from the one you knew before the fall. The things that have happened to me since then—there's no going back from that."

When she looked back at me it was done so skeptical of my words. She was angry with arms crossed over her chest. "Oh, yes, you've changed," she began, her voice laced with thick, acidic sarcasm. "You've changed so much, if fact, that you still get some sort of sick pleasure from manipulating the emotions of people to your will. First you use me, then it it was Vane, now Black, all to get poor Lupin's attention and guess what? It. Never. Works."

I shrunk back to her. This was the first time I had ever gotten to know Mary and I was frightened. Perhaps not by her, but by her personification of me. She was so spot on. I wasn't ready for it. For the first time ever someone had seen through the light, airy façade and gotten down to the gritty core of me. Finally someone was not afraid to notice just how cruel and heartless and selfish I could be. However, I wasn't ready to admit this to myself.

"I like Sirius, Mary, I really do." It was useless. I mean, I couldn't even convince myself when I said it aloud.

Her expression suddenly turned darker and she leaned forward to whisper in a low, cruel tone I had never heard her use, "You want to know why Bainbridge called you a you-know-what that evening?" I couldn't look away. I couldn't find it in me to leave though I really wanted to. "He had just caught you with me in the corridor. That's all you ever want with me, Mel, and I still haven't a bloody clue as to why I always let you use me like this. I don't fancy girls and neither do you, but every time we go through this sick little waltz of yours I hope that maybe you'll remember who your friend was before else; when you and me and James would all play together and you'd weave those crowns out of flowers for me. That's all I've ever wanted, to be your friend, not a rubbish bin for you to store al of your emotional baggage in."

Hot tears were streaming down my cheeks and for some bizarre reason this made me furious. Why was I crying so much when Hogwarts Melody could still count on her fingers how many times she had shed a single tear in her lifetime? I thought I had adopted all of her personality and yet I was still weak, still myself.

"Mary, there are some things I'm absolutely determined to change and my behavior towards you has just made the top of the list. I swear it," and I meant it with ever fiber of my being. I could tell she had never seen me so serious because she seemed completely surprised.

"Just do me a favor, yeah?" She nodded almost as if she were in a trance. "Give Beck a chance. Will you, Mary, please? You're beautiful and there's nothing about you to feel sorry of ... except maybe having such a poor excuse for a friend in me."

This got a hint of a smile out of her. So, feeling properly satisfied and content, I raised from my chair, said goodbye, and went over to the Marauders' table which was now also occupied by my lovely roommates. Patting Sirius on the shoulder I told him that I was not feeling all that well and that I'd be heading back up to the castle. He wanted to come with me but I insisted he stay. Before I left Peter made it a point to discreetly pull me aside and tell me that Remus had also decided to head back, also claiming he was ill. Peter gave me a pointed look which demanded an explanation but I chose to ignore it. I hated how observant Peter was at the worst possible moments. Damn him. Though it never ceased to amaze me how similar Remus and I were, both of us such great liars.

As I trekked up the high street, I was freezing despite Sirius's leather jacket wrapped around my small frame. It reached down to the back of my knees but didn't seem to do anything. There cold days were brutal on my skin and were what made me hate being so thin, missing my old weight, body fat and all. I even went so far sometimes as to miss California and I was never much of a sun-loving girl.

Then suddenly I was wrapped in complete warmth from head to toe having been pulled into a dark alleyway between two shops nearing the end of the street. There was no need to look up to identify the person and I knew I wasn't just imagining the touch, the temperature, the scent, I had grown to know so well. It was scary how I knew most everything about him.

"What are you doing?" I said, lightly punching his chest. I had been trying to sound angry but it just ended coming out pleased, and I was pleased to have him there so close to me. Despite everything.

"I don't know," he sighed. "I just can't stand it. Any of it. I'm trying to stay away, but you're making it impossible for me ... and I heard you talking to Mary." I was about to ask how he had been able to accomplish this from all the way on the other side of the room but then I remembered his wolf senses never left him.

"I should be angry at you for what you're doing," he continued, "but I dare say I'm relieved. I hate being away from from you and I know it would only be stupid of me to ask you back, but there's something about you that makes me feel selfish. It's like when I'm with you I can't tell the difference—"

"Between yourself and the wolf," I ended, pushing his hair out of his eyes.

His eyes widened, a hint of alarm and glee to them. "You remember?"

"Your condition, but not how I know of it. It's almost as if I've always known this part of you." Because I had always known, from before stepping into this world.

He nodded, but then I groaned slapping the palm of my hand to my forehead, "Excellent bloody timing, Lupin!" and pulled away from his warmth. "One week! Had you told me this a week ago, that day when we were out by the tree—I know you wanted to then—I wouldn't, we wouldn't, be in this situation." I fell to the floor with a huff, feeling utterly and hopelessly frustrated. "I just don't know what to do!"

"Nor do I," he said as he paced back and forth, watching me.

"He likes me, Remus," I finally said. "I mean, he really likes me, beyond kissing, beyond trying to get into my knickers. I like him, too, and you know I do. It's just not as I should. I've tried not to be, but I'm in love with you."

He made a choking noise before he too slid down to the snowy ground. "You are? But why?"

I rolled my eyes. "For such a smart bloke, you certainly can be an idiot sometimes."

He laughed, cupping my cheek with his warm hand. "It wasn't supposed to be like this."

"You're telling me!" I had no control over the words that followed. "I'm supposed to be in the States, you should be jonesing for Lily being all 'emo' because of your condition ... Things are thoroughly screwed up the backside, Moony. Thoroughly and completely fucked."

His expression let me know I had just said something totally wrong, something I shouldn't have. "What are you on about? The States? You're family's from Cardiff." I could have just waved it off as a joke but something in the look he was giving me, proved that wasn't going to do so I would have to tell him the truth ... just not at that very moment.

"Later, yeah? There's a lot to say and I rather do it another time but I promise I'll tell you everything."

"When?" His thumb was grazing over my lip, almost as if he were deliberately trying to distract me though I knew that he, like me, was just trying to get reacquainted with what was out of reach for so long. After a while, recollection ceases doing the actual thing justice.

My voice shook, but I was determined to let him know. I suppose I hoped the truth would make it easier for the both of us to stay away from each other, or at least to make it more bearable. There was no guarantee it would but it was important he knew, regardless. "Christmas morning, Remus. I'll tell you everything, I promise."


	12. Love Is Paranoid

**Chapter 12: Love Is Paranoid**

A large bruise had formed at the small of my back from being repeatedly shoved into things during my make out sessions with Sirius. After a while, I could tell kissing just wasn't doing it for him anymore and this worried me—I could practically feel the desire radiating off of him, sure that the sexual tension had built up to the point where he was just about to burst if he didn't get any soon. Luckily, he accepted that I wasn't quite ready yet and waited, but it didn't make the snogging any less painful.

The conversation between Remus and I at Hogsmeade seemed to have never happened as he continued to avoid me after that day and I him. This interaction of ours, however seemed to trigger something in my subconscious and the dreams/memories came more frequently. They steadily grew longer and more detailed, depicting more significant events in my parallel life (as I was now calling it). The difficulty came in weeding out fact from fiction, knowing very well that as realistic as all the dreams might have seemed to me, not all of them had actually happened. All the sex dreams I had, for instance—there was no way those were true, as much as I wished they were.

That was the key thing I realized those few days before winter holidays: the sex thing. I realized that though I wasn't quite ready to do it with Sirius, I was more than ready (and very willing) to do it with Remus. I suppose it was with making that first time special and I felt that with Sirius the sex would have just been more about him than us, but not with Remus. Remus was never selfish when it came to any sort of pleasure, any sort of happiness, which was why by the time everyone was heading home I had begun feeling horrible about having hated him for dumping me. It had been for my own protection and t some weird way I should have been grateful to him; I'm sure I would have been were I not so selfish.

"Are you all right, Melody, love?" asked Sirius as I took my seat beside him that morning at breakfast. "You're looking rather ... dull."

"Yes," added Hazel with a frown, "you do appear quite less cheerful than usual."

I had had no rest after having woken up in the middle of the night after yet another graphic (sex) dream and had spent those dark hours pacing the common room, trying to keep myself from crying or doing something utterly stupid like going up to the boys' room waking them just so that I might confess my feelings to Remus and proceed to having him shag me senseless. The urge was gnawing at my insides like some sort of ravenous leech thing I couldn't get rid of. Was I truly so weak that I could not lie to myself for even a day about what really went on within me?

Needless to say, I looked like shit and Hazel and Sirius had just found nicer ways of putting it and to be quite honest I was in no mood to receive my friend's pity for something they didn't really understand and therefore bitterly joked, "Well, maybe I'm a werewolf and the full moon is close upon us." The bit about the full moon was true, though. "How indeed could anyone be happy or healthy in my situation?"

If this were a cartoon, steam would probably coming off from my body. No joke. It was pretty scary. I mean the irritability and no make-up, it was worse than when I PMSd.

Adorably thick River eased the tension which followed my statement by asking, "You're not really a lycanthrope are you, Mel? It's just that you seem so normal."

I had to laugh. "No, I'm not, River. It was a very bad joke on my part but be assured if there were any truth to that statement I'd not conceal it from any of you. I don't believe it would be the right thing to do."

Lily shot me a look that told me I was treading dangerous waters, knowing my comment was more directed at Remus than anyone else was (of course she was clever enough to have figured it out on her own, she just hadn't told anyone but me she knew). As I spoke I could see him from my periphery and James staring at me from their places across from me. No doubt Peter and Sirius were staring at me to. When I did look at him his lips were set into a hard line. Of course he and the other boys would think I was directing the comment at him. It was so like Remus at any mention of werewolves to assume he had been found out and in turn immediately begin an internal panic session. I need not be told that he had probably been the cause of close-to discoveries because of this reflex in the past. It wasn't certain but I could assume, just like I could assume that they would assume I knew (only Remus knew I knew) but would not question me about it just on the teeny tiny chance that I was still oblivious.

Just as had been done the previous day we finished our breakfast in complete silence before disassembling, all of us going off to the station. Remus and I were the only ones staying back so we were just going along to say good-bye.

As we walked Lily hooked her arm with mine and begun slowing down her steps until we were a good distance away from the others. She always saw through me, it was what I both loved and hated about her. It was like she was Remus but in girl form.

"Admit it."

I looked down at my feet and nodded. "I've completely buggered things up! My plan has gone fanny up and I don't know what to do!"

"As much as I hate to say I told you so, I did tell you so, Melody, darling."

"Whatever," I grumbled irritably. "How pathetic am I that I can't even enjoy being girlfriend to the sex god that is Sirius Black all because of Remus bloody Lupin? I could be snogging Sirius face off right about now but why aren't I? Because every time I get close to doing it I see ihim/i and it makes me feel like shit."

"I thought it was because you back and legs are all bruised," she said as a desperate and rather pathetic attempt to make me laugh.

I glared at her.

Lily rubbed my back as I began one of my sporadic mini crying jags which seemed not as sporadic these days as they used to be. "Let's talk about something else, yeah? As much as you adore whining and crying and feeling sorry for yourself it can't be very good for your health. What would you suggest as a cheerier topic? Quidditch maybe?"

I let out a snorting laugh. Lily was not a fan of Quidditch and she understood it as much as I understood Rugby or (American) Football. I thought for only a second before remembering quite a wonderful detail I had been informed of by my chubby, awkward, pudding-loving friend, Peter. It was the only bright thing in my life for what felt like ages and I was glad at least someone was prospering from my presence in this place. "Last night Pete told me that you and none other that James Potter actually had a conversation on the Hogsmeade visit that didn't lead to you zapping away any part of what he would consider vital organs. Well done!"

"Yes, I do admit we did," she said softly, turning her head just ever so slightly away so as to hide her reddening cheeks.

"And?" I inquired eagerly.

"I was pleasantly surprised," she admitted. "I don't think there has ever been a time since he first began pursuing me at the end of fourth year when he spoke to me without asking me to go out with him. He did, however, continue to mess up his hair — which I found incredibly annoying — and he offered to buy me a drink. I declined, of course, because I was enjoying his unusual behavior too much to give him even the slightest inclination that it would be alright to his normal git self."

I shrugged, grinning. "Well, progress is progress, I suppose, but more importantly: do you like him in this state?"

Lily stayed silent for a moment, biting her lip as she searched for the words that would most adequately express her opinion.

Finally she said, "It's embarrassing but I honestly believe I'd like him even if he did go back to being his usual arrogant self. Melody, I truly believe that if I wasn't in love with him before I undoubtedly am now."

I laughed. "All this I did know before but what I really want to know is when you'll bestow your sweet mercy on James and let him know. You needn't wait for him to make the first move since he technically already has and on several occasions. I believe the ball is in your court as they say."

She sighed and allowed herself to fall back beside me. "You make it sound so easy," she muttered, "but I don't think I'm there just yet. I don't think I'm ready to let him know how I really feel. No, definitely not yet ... but I will! You know I will!"

We had had the same conversation once before I recalled, and therefore pressed the matter no further. We simply walked the rest of the way in silence, for a good long while meditating on our conversation. Lily was conflicted while I was ecstatic. Things were going so well concerning my initial plans for this world and when all this Lily and James business was sorted I could shift my complete attention to Peter; befriending him and getting him and River together. I found it hilarious that I could match everyone else up with such ease and yet I was caught in the middle of an epic dilemma, or at least epic in comparison to my dull life before this place.

"What will you do about Sirius, then?" asked Lily in a whisper as she boarded the train, as a prefect she was one of the first to do so.

"The only thing I can do," I replied with a small shrug, "stay with him until he tires of me. I suppose I'll have to try to behave in the most obnoxious manner to speed up the process, though. If it works that way I'm certain no one will get hurt."

"Though I agree that this would be the only way no one gets hurt what will you do if Sirius doesn't tire of you?"

Shit. I hadn't thought of that. What if all these years I had been the Sirius's equivalent of what Remus was to me. What if he was sickeningly, nonsensically in love with me and had just not wanted to admit it? Had he waited for me as I was waiting for Lupin? If that was the case then I really was royally screwed.

"Then I'll have to do what I really don't want to. I'd have to tell him the truth. I'd lose him as a friend but—maybe I can learn to love him, Lily, and just forget about Remus," I said, mouthing the name as a gaggle of second year girls passed us.

"I'll never know how know it is that you constantly manage to get yourself into these predicaments and always come out of them totally unscathed."

"Do I?" I asked, surprised. Perhaps there was hope for me yet. Maybe, just maybe, I'd make it out of this alive. "It must be a gift."

"It must be," echoed Lily.

It must have just been paranoia on my part but the way Sirius kissed me right before he hopped onto the train suggested he must have heard what I said. I probably must have been imagining it, I mean, he was always rather forceful and his personality was as volatile as mine. I knew that if he ever found out I was only using him he'd go absolutely nuclear. I'd throw things, he'd scream, he'd probably punch someone. Funny, that this was the only thing we seemed to have in common.

I admit that part of me wanted to go back home just to see what my home here was like. We had never lived in a house, you see, just a series of apartments all over San Diego. I had never even been out of San Diego except that time our school took us to Disneyland for Grad Night ... well, no, that's not true, I had been to Mexico several times but I never thought those trips had counted since I never got to see the sights. But I was still unsure of what my family would be like here. As far as I could tell Shaun Kerr was the same and just as much my friend as he was in my original world, my brother and Keri were squibs, and my dad was an asshole (what else was new?). I didn't want to see my father. I detested him and I had yet to find anything that might have suggested he and my mother were separated in this world too. Besides, igrand-maman/i Sophie really was a pain in the rear, and I had no desire to see her again. His hole side of the family, in fact, was just something rather unpleasant I had no desire reacquainting myself with. Still, a little part of me—the part that really missed my mum—wanted to go, but I had promised Remus which meant I would have to tell him everything ... and I really didn't want to. Not yet. Not ever. There was still a couple of more days until Christmas but...

Remus could have gone home, too, but as I had gathered through observation, he did not feel up to the challenge of facing his father or his major depression due to the recent death of his wife. I understood it quite well. The men of the Lupin family seemed to have this thing about guilt; they always had to believe everything was their fault. Remus felt guilty for breaking up with me and making my life shit for several months while his father could not possibly stand the sigh of him at such a miserable time since he was still blaming himself for Remus's condition even if it had been Greyback and not him who had inflicted the wretched curse.

"I could have gone with you," I mumbled as Remus and I slowly walked back to the castle, hand in hand now that the train was completely out of sight. "You know, for like moral support or something."

He let out a bitter chuckle and replied, "What would your boyfriend think?"

We had acknowledged that we loved each other but I was still with Sirius, having decided I would wait for it all to play out. I'd just have to be very boring then very prudish; a killjoy basically, or just very needy; whatever annoyed Sirius the most. It seemed simple enough but that didn't mean Remus was totally in love with the idea. When Sirius was kissing me goodbye I saw how much it hurt him, how much he didn't like it (I had gotten the habit of kissing Sirius with eyes opened. It had something to do with not wanting any deep emotional attachment).

It was not until I had revealed this particular detail to Remus, the one about letting things between me and Sirius play out naturally, that I realized just how sadistic he was capable of being. I didn't even think he was capable of such cruelty, even though I was the first to admit I deserved it. The only reason I hated it was because anger and bitterness did not suit him, but since I had told him my solution to the 'Sirius Situation' he had taken every opportunity to lash out at my "stupidity"; to hurt me. It stung like hell.

"He'd think that I'm our best mate and that I'm trying to help you cope with your misfortune. To be fair, he's more worried about us being the only ones staying back. He knows I may very well start having my nightmares again, and he doesn't want me in your bed when there's no one else keeping an eye on us."

It was a very strange thing indeed that he and I were the only two of all of Gryffindor house to stay at school for the holidays. With no one else here there was no way for Sirius or James or anyone else to know if something happened between the two of us. Sirius would have been loads more comfortable having me stay at the Lupins' or inviting Remus back to my house knowing that absolutely nothing could happen since, according to him, our parents were total prudes. Believe me, that had also weighed in on my decision to stay at the castle. I really wanted Remus, I mean really, truly, desperately wanted him in the physical sense and what better opportunity for us to 'get it on,' so to speak, than when we have Gryffindor Tower all to ourselves?

"Is it terrible that I'd feel no guilt cheating on him?"

Remus smirked. "Guilt is a very foreign emotion to you, Melody."

I came to a stop just a few feet away from the gate and looked up with him, hoping that my gaze conveyed the sincerity of my words. "Not if that guilt is to do with you," I admitted, pushing his hair out of his eyes. "This arrangement is burning a hole through my insides, and I rather not hurt any more people than I already have."

He snorted. It was something so odd for him to do I couldn't help but laugh. "Yes, because Sirius has always been so considerate of iyour/i emotions."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked.

"Oh, you'll recall it eventually," he assured me, sounding somewhat bored. "I'd rather not be the one to remind you."

"He hurt me?" I wondered aloud.

Remus nodded slowly, as if hesitant. "Somewhat. Almost. I'm not sure of the details, thankfully. Great tempers, the two of you have got."

I grimaced sightly before giving him a mocking smile before asking him, "What about Mary? What do you know about that?"

"Not much more than what I overheard the other day, I admit." We had begun walking again and soon we were already going back up the stairs in the direction of the common room. "I know she hates us from 'stealing' you from her, she's always made that much clear, and hates you for neglecting her after you became friends with us. I used to think she was always a bit overdramatic about the whole thing until the other day ... apparently the only time you talk to her is to get a snog out of her. The Bainbridge thing makes a lot more sense."

I slapped his arm. This was only making me feel worse. "It's a coping mechanism—It iwas/i a coping mechanism."

"I've suppose I've taken her slot in that department now as well. Or has Sirius?" The bitterness had returned and was making me wince.

"Leave it to me to be queen bitch supreme. This is totally unacceptable!" I growled, stomping my foot. "I desperately need to change!"

"You won't, I know that you won't."

He didn't sound to bothered about it, but he was really starting to get on my nerves and my irritability was quickly growing worse, so I snapped.

"Why do you love me then?! Huh?!" I yelled, pulling at my hair in an act of complete and utter frustration. "If I'm so horrible, so vindictive, such a bitch!—Why bother?! Why love me if I'm such a despicable human being?!"

Cue the waterworks. I was getting more emotionally unstable by the day.

And to you know what the bastard did? He shrugged! He just fucking shrugged as if what I was asking him was of absolutely no importance!

"Well, that's reassuring!" I spat derisively as I crumpled to the ground. I feared that these random emotional breakdowns in the middle of corridors were becoming a habit of mine.

Remus then immediately joined me on the floor scooping me into his arms and begun stroking my hair. I had begun to protest against this action until I remembered how good it felt, how much I had always liked this interaction of ours. He sighed, kissing the top of my head before he said, "I love you because you're you, and I can see the good behind your many flaws. I love every part of you, even the bad because who am I to judge? I love the complexity of your character; how you can be so strong and so fragile, so cruel and yet so loving simultaneously. It's almost as if you're two different people sometimes. And Mary, she sees the Melody I see which is she, like me, refuses to give up on you."

Then he titled his head down and kissed me. For the first time in months this was happening and I was certain it was not a dream because it was not all sunshine and rainbows. It was anger, it was pent-up lust, it was confusion and sadness and hesitation ... but it was right. I kissed him back with such an enthusiasm, so happy that we didn't have to constantly check over our shoulders to see if anyone was watching us.

"I've missed you so fucking much, you bastard," I whimpered as we pulled apart.

"As sweet as ever, I see," he joked, earning himself a not-so-light punch.

"Oh, shut up," I groaned, rolling my eyes before he pressed me back to him.

By the end of the day I was certain of two things: One, that these two weeks would not be as dull or miserable as I may have anticipated; Two, that maybe, just maybe, I was slightly more ready to give Remus the whole truth about me. Sure, I was scared about how he might take it but everything that had happened between the two of us—everything proved just how much he loved me and I was ready for anything, even the worse. Knowing that Remus Lupin would love me no matter how horrible I was capable of being was the best feeling, and I knew it would comfort  
me even in my darkest of moments.


	13. Everlong

**Chapter 13: Everlong**

_There was something eerie about the stars that hung over the sleepy Spanish town like shards of broken glass that night. Despite the fog that loomed through the dark, abandoned streets the sky was crystal clear. The October air was harsh like that of a December night, so frigid that not even the heaviest of coats could fully block it. In this little town there was nothing worth stopping for besides a train station and a shady little pub no respectable being would be caught dead in. This pub stood at the corner of an isolated street, lined with vacant shops which gave the impression that the town had one day been worth living in. This pub was her destination._

_The silhouette of the petite hooded woman could be seen running along the streets, aided only by the dim moonlight. Had curious eyes followed through cracked curtains at such a late hour, they would have worried over the fear that the woman's face showed; they would have known she was running from something, terribly afraid that she'd be unsuccessful. She shivered beneath her heavy cloak but it was hard to tell if it was from the temperature or the her anxiety. This girl, she was young and had never gone against her family's wishes, no matter how horrible. Now that she was breaking every rule ever bestowed upon her she feared the action would act as a catalyst to a dark and painful future. Of course, she did not give her own well-being much importance, what she truly cared about was the "little treasure," as she called it, growing inside her. Her life was well worth the safety of her child._

_The woman's aubrigine eyes sparkled under her hood as she opened the door. She knew she was so close to happiness and safety. The pub was poorly lit and the several men sprawled around were either drunk, half asleep, or both. The small space reeked of urine and it's floors were filthy, covered in garbage and vomit with an occasional rat scurrying across it. The walls with their gaudy blue paint seemed to be decomposing almost. The woman, however, did not notice the foulness of the place because it was the location of her salvation; where she would begin her new life._

_She scanned the pub until her eyes fell on an attractive man of about nineteen or twenty who came round from behind the bar. The man embraced her warmly, and although he was soaking wet the woman made no hesitation to bury herself into his chest. He was pale but not sickly, with sleek black hair and chocolate colored eyes. The woman shivered violently in his arms but did not pull away._

_"Look at you, you're soaking wet," she worried, "You'll be sick." Her voice was sweet and sincere with almost a musical tone to it._

_"I won't, I'm used to it," he assured her, "It's you I'm worried about. So much anxiety will do good to neither you nor the baby."_

_The baby—their baby—was their reason for this surreptitious rendezvous. The baby was what they were so desperately trying to protect from the woman's cruel family who would surely be unforgiving if they knew. They would be merciless to the daughter who tainted the pure bloodline, that had spanned on for centuries, with a half-blood "abomination."_

_The woman's hood had fallen as she looked up at her husband, revealing that she was not a woman but a girl no older than seventeen. The sight of her was simply awe-inspiring for she was beautiful. Her skin was neither fair nor tan but a radiant tone somewhere in between, she had big spiral curls that framed her face like rich honey colored snakes, and her eyes were bold and expressive with their rare hue. It was no wonder why the man had been quick to fall in love with her._

_He rubbed her stomach lovingly, although the bump was barely apparent, and she smiled. _

_She had fled from home before her family had had the chance to notice the signs of her pregnancy. The relationship, in comparison, had been easy to keep secret but a baby was something else entirely and although her family was rather unobservant, they were not stupid._

_The man looked at his young lover with a serious expression that demanded her attention. "You are not to use magic, is that understood? It'll make it a hell of a lot more difficult for your brothers to track us down. We cannot risk getting caught, not now when we have something much more important than ourselves to protect. We'll be traveling to Cannes by train so it will take a lot longer than if you apparated us there."_

_"Why can't we go back to London, Adam? You're parents, they can help us. They said they would, and it's much farther away from here than Cannes."_

_They had stepped outside of the pub now and were climbing into the car that they would be taking to the train station._

_Adam sighed. "I know, I know, but London is far too risky, you know it's the first place they'd look. My parents have already agreed this is for the best, Ophelia."_

_The old woman who would be driving them helped Ophelia in. Her name was Nina and Ophelia knew her well, since childhood. Nina had been the only muggle her parents had ever tolerated her interacting with as a girl and loved Ophelia as if she were her own daughter._

_"I'm not worth all this, Adam," she mumbled pathetically, bowing her head. "You shouldn't be throwing your entire life for me. What about your dream of being an auror? You shouldn't give it up, not when you're so close."_

_He took her chin in his hand, tilting her head upward so that her eyes were locked with his. "That doesn't matter to me anymore. Don't you see, Ophelia? I'm with you until the end of time. It's the promise I made when I asked you to run away with me and a promise I intend to keep. You're family won't hurt you ... I'll never let them hurt you." The last bit came out in a whisper but Ophelia heard it just fine. _

I awoke suddenly, tears streaming down my cheeks. Although it was the first time I had dreamt this particular event and although it was rather incomplete, I knew what happened next. My brother Pete was the "little treasure" and Adam and Ophelia were his parents.

Ever time I had this dream (which wasn't very often) I cried because I saw my mother trying to escape from pureblood society, which, if anything, was much worse in Spain than it was in Britain. She had always been so strong. I finally understood one of the dreams I had had weeks earlier, in which Adam—whom I has loved like a father when I was a child—was found by my mum's brothers on a visit and murdered in front of me. It was when she had already married my father. He too was there when they came for Adam. My father did not even flinch. He saw as my mother crumbled before him and did nothing. Luckily, they did not know that Peter was Adam's, otherwise they would have killed him and mum as well for having tainted the family line. I was the last pureblood of both bloodlines (Corden and Hargreeves) who was actually capable of performing magic which explained why I had never treated as dreadfully as Pete. It explained why he used to resent me when we were children.

Everyone said I was her splitting image but I'd sooner grown wings than believe comparisons to such a beauty. There were certain similarities, such as the hair color and skin color and large, almond-shaped eyes, but also deliberate mistakes in my appearance that marked me as a Hargreeves: the color of my eyes, the once frizzy texture of my wavy locks, the way my upper lip was slightly larger than the bottom one, and the crescent-shaped birthmark on my left wrist (everyone born a Hargreeves had this. Except Pete, of course). These mistakes made it bearable to be away from my mother whom I missed terribly. The dreams, however, showed me no mercy. They were too real, too vivid, too detailed. They always felt too real, even in comparison to the other dream-memories I had been having.

For the past two days since everyone left for winter holiday I had been sleeping in the boys' dormitory, in Sirius's bed. This was not because it was my boyfriend's bed, but because it was closest to Remus and I had no desire of sleeping in a room all by myself (I may have ridden myself of my fear of heights but not of my rather illogical fear of the dark). I had not noticed just how loudly I was sobbing until I heard a familiar groggy voice coming from my left.

"Melody?" he whispered. "Melody, are you okay?"

I nodded but my tears made my answer unconvincing.

"You know you can tell me anything, love," he persisted.

I shook my head. "It's silly. I'm sorry I woke you, Moony."

"It was another dream wasn't it?" Of course he knew about the dreams. I had apparently been having these dreams for as long as he could remember.

Remus and I were just a tad bit closer to each other than anyone else knew and had always understood each other better. He didn't mind that I had woken him up in the middle of the night to talk to him about my trivial dreams, he never had.

I crept out carefully out of Sirius's bed, tip-toeing to Remus's. His eyes were closed though I knew he was already fully awake. I shook him lightly and he opened his opened his eyes, shot me a tired smile, scooting over to the extreme right of the bed. "Come here," he said, extending his arms for me. I snuggled into him as I would a pillow. It never failed to amaze me how soft and yet how firm is chest seemed to be, or how comfortable his perpetual warmth was. I could have been comfortable lying there with him all night in silence taking in his peculiar but intoxicating scent which always had just the fainted hint of chocolate. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head, "I just want to sleep." He wrapped his arms around me after pulling the blanket back over us. The sound of his breathing and of his heartbeat, the warmth radiating from his body quickly lulled me to sleep. Sometimes it was just that easy, other times more effort needed to be put forth but Remus never seemed to mind.

The next day was Sunday so Remus and I were able to sleep until noon. When we woke up we stayed in his room, in his bed and finally talked about it.

"It was about Adam?" he asked, though it had come out more like a statement than anything. When I shot him a look he added, "I heard you crying out his name. It's been a while since you've dreamt of him or your mother. Normally you dream about the future."

I pulled away shooting him another quizzical look. "Are you saying I'm a Seer?"

"Possibly. Everything you dreamt before your accident is still several years away. We all die, except for you ... Well, we can't be sure, you never dream about your own future. It's rather morbid, isn't it, this future you've thought up?"

So I had known what was going to happen all along and Remus was the only one who knew. "It isn't as if I've made it up. I don't sit around thinking, 'Hmm, what would be an interesting way to kill Wormtail? I've got it! He could kill himself with his own enchanted hand for fulfilling a life debt!' I'm not that cruel."

Remus gaped at me. "How is it you can remember all that in detail and you couldn't even remember we were dating?"

"I don't know!" I snapped frustratedly, punching his arm for good measure. "No, never mind ... Yes, yes I do know and so does Lily! I'm so tired of this bullshit and Christmas can't come soon enough. How much about 'the future' have I told you so far?"

He shrugged, running a hand through his very messy hair. "Everything, I suppose. You've always told me everything. I know that Lily and James are supposed to get together, I know they have a son, I know of what Peter might do that might land Sirius in Azkaban..."

"If you know then why haven't you told them?" I demanded. I was amazed that knowing all of this he had kept it a secret from them for so long while every day I was bursting all while trying to keep it from them.

"These are all hypotheticals. There's no proof that you're a Seer, nor that these things will actually occur."

"No, they are not fucking hypotheticals! Why do you think I'm trying so hard to keep Peter on our side, why I'm trying to get Lily and James together, why I was trying to stay away from you? I'm trying to make a better future!"

"I fail to see how our relationship has anything to do with this," he said, sticking his nose in the air in a way that vaguely reminded me of the Percy Weasley from the books, all that was missing was the red hair and horn-rimmed glasses.

I crossed the room to the open window, sitting at the ledge and watching the snowflakes slowly drift into the room. I remained quiet for such a long time trying to go about how to tell him everything I needed to without losing my temper. I was certain he would think me mad now that I knew he had not previously believed my 'visions' but so long as he just had a tiny hint of doubt that gnawed at him enough to persuade him that it may very well be true, I would be content. Finally, I decided to be blunt. Why sugarcoat it?

"I'm not supposed to be here," I mumbled but I knew he had heard me because he had moved closer to me while I was thinking. "I'm not supposed to exist in this place, Remus. I'm from a different time, a different place. You're a fictional character in my world, for goodness sake! You are the product of a brilliant woman's mind brought to life by a group of semi-talented actors, the lot of you! And I, well, I'm one of those poor, pathetic people who used to sit around day to day dreaming of this world, dreaming that you're real ... I don't know anything about the Melody Corden you know because she's not supposed to be here. None of this is real!"

His eyebrows had knit together. The confusion was apparent in his face. "I know you're not feeling ill, but this you're telling me is absurd. How is it that I am not real when I'm standing here before you, flesh and bone just as you are?" He cupped my cheek in his hand, stroking it gently with his thumb. It was blistering hot, even more than it normally was. With his other arm he pulled me toward him until my ear was pressed against his chest, directly over his heart which always beat a little faster than anyone else's. "How is it that I'm not real when I have a beating heart, just as you do? Is it possible to love a fictional character?"

_Oh, believe me, it certainly is_, I thought.

"Remus," I whispered, tilting my head upward to get a good look at him, "I don't know how I came to be here, and yet here I am. I'm not the Melody Corden with the half-Spanish, half-Irish mother and the Welsh father. I'm the Melody Corden with the orphaned mother from Chicago and the father from Montreal, who is a muggle, who is a twenty-something year old failure with no boyfriend and hardly any friends. I know everything there is to know about this world because I'm obsessed, totally obsessed with the books."

I sighed and let myself fall back onto Sirius's bed. Remus remained standing looking down at me. I could tell there was some sort of internal struggle going on; it was all in the eyes. I knew that he was deciding whether or not I was telling the truth.

With the back of my hand covering my eyes I groaned, "Dumbledore believes me, Lily believes me, just make up your mind, will you? I don't care what you decide, but answer me this: have I ever lied to you on such a grand scale, if at all?"

He didn't have to think to answer. He knew that as fucked up of a person I was, I was not a liar.

"Lily says that I can make a difference and change the future. Dumbledore believes this as well. Both think that my presence is already a huge change, but I don't think it's enough," I admitted. I had felt the bed dip a little as Remus sat next to me. I sat up and took his face in my hands as if I were going to kiss him. "Remus, I trust you more than anyone in the entire world and you're the only one who knows what might happen so you have to promise me that you'll keep everyone safe should anything happen to me."

He suddenly looked panicked. "What do you mean should something happen to you? _Nothing_ is going to happen to you!"

His fervor and concern for me was sweet and I found that I could not meet his gaze any longer but there were so many emotions swelling up from deep within me, just begging to come out. I looked down for a moment then, acting on instinct alone, pressed my lips to his. I snaked my hands down from his face to his bare shoulders (we were still in our pajamas) and pulled him on top of me. He may not have been real a few months ago but he certainly was now and it felt so good that he was. I needed to feel him on every inch of me, I needed to be suffocated by his very being as if to only further prove he was not some cruel figment of my twisted imagination. I desperately needed to know he wasn't.

He gently took my top lip in between his, and I took his bottom in mine. It was soft, and warm, just like Remus always was. He pulled away gently, but went back again, to give me something firmer. I quickly got the gist of the whole thing, taking his bottom lip with slightly more vigor. He pulled my face to his harder with his hand, and tangled it into my hair, gently sucking on my top lip, then pulled away slightly again. We did that a couple more times, just soft and easy. I'm sure it was all he was expecting. But suddenly on the last one, he felt my tongue touch his lip.

He seemed to be debating if he should really follow my lead but then I felt him dart his tongue out to meet mine. And when they touched I parted her lips more and took his tongue into my mouth. It was so warm and soft, and it was getting progressively more difficult to keep that metaphorical switch in the off position. There was no way we could possibly be any closer to each other but I wanted his to be so I slid my hand up his arm and around his neck, until I had it tangled into the back of his head successfully pulling his closer. We were both breathing rather hard by then. But when he began pressing his body against mine, that switch just fucking flipped and before I could stop it, my entire body was reacting to the kiss. I felt his warm body against me as mine got exponentially hotter. Then he groaned, loudly into my mouth, and he froze.

"Please," I breathed, a hint of desperation in my voice. "There is no telling if we'll ever get another chance. I may just disappear one day. That's what I meant by 'something might happen.' Please, Remus."

I kissed him. "Please." And another. "Please." Another. Each one going lower and lower and lower...

I had managed to flip us over without him realizing it straight away. It was not until the trail of kisses was approaching the waistband of his bottoms that he noticed I was now straddling his waist instead of the other way around. It would not be too difficult to convince him since he was already all riled up downstairs and we were only wearing a minimal amount of clothes; he a pair of dark grey boxers and I my light cotton nightgown.

I knew it was getting harder for him to think straight, a lot harder for him to decide against my actions, because his breath was growing heavy again and he was looking at me as if in a trance. I mentally pat myself on the back, never having known just how talented I was at this sort of thing. Any time I imagined myself in any remotely intimate situation I imagined it an unbearably awkward ordeal, but there was nothing awkward about this. However, just as I was about to reach what I called the danger zone Remus seemed to have sobered up because he had pulled me back up and off of him. He didn't move, though, he remained very still as he lay beside me. I stroked his hair back, focusing on his eyes which were so dark, so clouded with lust that I could not comprehend why he had stopped me.

He pressed his lips to mine one last time. It was a very light, very chaste kiss in comparison to all the other ones we had shared that morning.

"Don't make it harder than it already is," he sighed.

I couldn't help but giggle, having found some sort of double entendre in his words though I'm sure it had not been his intention.

He rolled his eyes at my immaturity. "What I mean is don't complicate things. Don't get me wrong, I want to. Merlin, I really want to. I know that much is apparent." I giggled again because he was quite right about that. That, if anything, was keeping anything coming out of his mouth from sounding serious. "It's just not the right time."

"But—" I began to protest.

"I understand you may be gone at any moment, I believe every word you've told me, with some difficulty, mind. I promise I'll keep everyone safe and alive, out of trouble ... including you. You're not going to get away from me, ever."

"Is that a threat or a promise?" I asked. I still hadn't finished my giggle fit.

"A little of both," he joked, ruffling my already messy hair. I didn't even want to look in the mirror, I knew the sight would be ghastly.

"But you did want to?" I asked to verify since my insecurity was in a rage, thinking he had denied me because I was not 'desirable' enough.

"Very much," he groaned, wincing as he got up. I wasn't a guy so I had no idea what that must've felt like though I imagined it wasn't very good. I myself was feeling very wound up.

"Need any help with that?" I asked, feeling my cheeks turn scarlet as I jerked my head towards his not-so-little problem.

This made him turn just as red as I was. "You've done enough, thanks."

He disappeared into the bathroom, most likely to take a very, very cold shower while I walked back to my dorm to do the same.

If this was how the rest of holidays were going to be, I'd explode, but I didn't want to be the Helen of Troy in Remus and Sirius's friendship though I already seemed to be going in that direction. The thing was I just couldn't help myself. Everything I did felt as though it could have very well been controlled by some invisible strings. I wasn't complaining that much, it was just a little unsettling how I seemed to act before giving things some thought.


	14. Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

Summary:

"I've never told anyone about this place, just you at this very moment. I come here whenever I want to disappear fro the world, when I want to be as hidden as all the junk in here is. The solitude can be comforting sometimes."

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own anything, just my OCs and anything else you might not recognize. Sadly, I don't own Martin Amis or his book_ The Rachel Papers_ both of which are mentioned in this particular chapter (and are brilliant, I might add).

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**Chapter 14: Yule Shoot Your Eye Out**

"Remus," I whispered into his ear as I shook him gently. "Remus, honey, wake up."

He muttered something very much "Go away, I'm sleepy," then put his pillow over his head. He was so not a morning person when we didn't have to go to classes, then again neither was I, but this was something of a special occasion.

I let out a loud, exasperated sigh and forcefully rolled him over, straddling his waist. "WAKE UP!" I shouted as shrilly as I could manage. "It's Christmas, you silly git! Get up! Get Up! Get Up!"

I bounced up and down like a small child all hopped up on sugar and was grinning like an idiot, add my horribly disheveled bed hair and you were looking at a maniac, though a very, very cute one. "For the love of all that's—will you stop that!" he groaned half-amused as he firmly took hold of my hips to stop me mid-bounce. "I'm up! I'm up! In more than one way, thanks very much."

Hmm...I thought I had felt something peculiar.

"Morning-wood," I acknowledged in my thoughts, avoiding his gaze as I felt my cheeks practically burst into flames. "I really am sorry, if that means anything...I could always help, if—"

I thought to give it a go, though I knew he'd turn down my offer which he did right away. "Though I appreciate the sentiment, I'll let it go on its own," he sighed. "It's not helping one bit you wearing that."

He was referring to the Christmas present Hazel had sent me with specific instructions to open it first thing in the morning, before Remus woke up. It was lingerie similar to my everyday nightgown in color and material but much shorter, much more revealing and a whole lot lacier. It was rather like a strapless swimsuit in design though fit left very little to the imagination.

"It was a gift from Hazel," I explained, smoothing out the lace ruffled at my hips after Remus let go of me. "You think it looks horrible, don't you? Oh, I knew I shouldn't have worn it, I haven't a body for such things..."

"You look gorgeous," he choked out as he tried very hard to keep his eyes from wandering down to my chest. "Now can you change, please? This really bloody hurts..."

I rolled my eyes with a sigh, scooping up his discarded cardigan and buttoning it up. "Happy now?"

He had turned ghostly pale. "Oh, Merlin, I think you've just made it worse."

Once again, I could feel what he meant so I decided to cut him some slack by getting off of him, opting to sit cross-legged at the foot of the bed, a safe distance away from him.

What was it with guys? Did they seriously get all 'happy' when you wore their stuff? Well, I suppose not all the time, but still...

I had to wait for fifteen minutes while he took a very quick, cold shower even though I really wanted to go downstairs and open our presents. Before he got in, I had asked to join him in an effort to conserve water which he took as a joke, merely laughing and ruffling my hair. It was clear he didn't appreciate how hard I was trying to seduce him, but I couldn't help it! With Sirius and the others gone it became much harder to find things to distract me from my raging sex drive which seemed to flip on its proverbial switch whenever Remus was around (it was even worse if he was shirtless). It got to be a real nuisance, especially at dinner when I'd catch him staring at me, unaware that his eyes were as glazed over as that one morning when we nearly did it. I mean, I could feel the heat and wanting radiating off him in waves! Bloody waves! It drove me so bonkers that I usually had to excuse myself early. I even spent one entire evening in the Astronomy Tower trying to forget about him, trying to cool off since frigid air and the high altitude seemed to do the trick. He wanted it just as bad as I did, but he actually had control over himself whereas I did not. Shouldn't it have been the other way around, since he's the boy and I'm the girl?

To make matters even worse he didn't bother to change in the bathroom. He just came out with a towel hung very loosely around his waist. He had to be doing this on purpose! He must have been taunting me or something, getting back at me for dating Sirius. He wanted me to beg—and I was not to proud to beg—however, it just wasn't the time. In my brain presents were a higher priority than sex... or at least on Christmas they were.

"I didn't get you anything," I admitted rather embarrassed by the fact. "It's just that I was so sure that you and I—that you'd want to, you know, 'do it.' with me by now."

"You know I want to, but for the sake of our friendship with Sirius we can't," he explained as he had so many times, before quickly adding, "You've been it so difficult for me not to be a typical hormonal teenage bloke, but it would be wrong to do it now, this between us is already against the Code. I know the others aren't around but that doesn't mean they wouldn't eventually find out. They have their ways," he muttered darkly, making me wonder with some unease what those ways might be.

I got quite a few presents. Lily got me a book by Martin Amis called iThe Rachel Papers/i which she thought I would enjoy (it had been one of my favorites in the future), River got me a couple of quirky hair accessories she had made herself, then there was a broom maintenance kit from James, loads of candy from Peter, and a silver charm necklace from Sirius with a star-shaped charm. My brother sent me an adorable stuffed bear, aptly named 'Theodore' or 'Teddy' for short. Last but not least, my mother sent me a beautiful wooden jewelry box which played one of my favorite classical songs.

Remus got quite a few presents too, mostly books from the girls and prank stuff from the boys. Hazel, even in her absence, managed to be the center of attention due to her wild gift choices. First with the lingerie for me and then with the fifty or so boxes of condoms for Remus nicely wrapped together with a bow and a discreet little note which read, "The best gifts are always wrapped."

When the presents were all opened and our cheeks had gone back to their normal color we lay on the couch as I began reading Lily's book and a now-clothed Remus begun reading one of the ones the girls had bought him as he lazily curled a lock of my hair around his finger.

"Remus, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Why won't you?" I asked, looking up at his from my place curled up on his lap when it got to the point that I could not read past a certain line no matter how hard I tried. "If you don't deny wanting to? I know you're using the Code as a pretext, so be honest with me."

He turned bright red again and would not look down at me until I gently forced him to, guiding his chin with my thumb and index finger.

"Tell me," I insisted.

"It the same reason for which I broke up with you," he sighed, running his hand though his hair. "Separation would keep you safe. We wouldn't even be able to attempt it; I'm certain if we did something would go wrong. That thing," he spat, "is inside of me all the time. When I'm around you it threatens to take over. I can't think straight and I bloody well can't reason with it ... all it wants and all I want is you...I can't hurt you, Mel, not like that."

I lay on his lap thinking over his words as I lazily traced the scars all over his forearm with the tips of my fingers. They were everywhere, the scars, but they did not frighten or repulse me, and they certainly did not make me love him any less. I knew that wanted him partly because I lusted for him, but mostly because I loved him. There was no one else in the world who I would have wanted for my first time, no one but him.

"You're with me now, Remus, not the wolf," I observed.

"Not without effort." A very soft growl came from his throat so I sat up but when I did he wrapped his arm around my waist to keep me close. I automatically rested my head on his shoulder. If only there were a way we could have stayed like this forever.

"The point is you are here. That means you're able to overpower it. You already are!" My voice exponentially brighter with every uttered syllable. "Don't you see? Your concern for my well-being supersedes your desire and thus the wolf is replaced by you, Remus John Lupin. It's not nearly as strong as you think; you can control it."

"I don't deserve you," he muttered glumly pretty much out of nowhere.

"You've got the subjects in that statement just a tad bit mixed up there, love." I pulled away for a moment, stretching my numbed arms over my head. "I'll enjoy every moment I have with you, including the bad ones, because I know you'll eventually forget all about me."

Even when I didn't want to that realization always came back to me. It haunted me, even, every time I caught a glimpse of my annoyingly pink hair.

"That's not true," he said sincerely.

For a moment I wanted to believe him even though I knew I couldn't.

"It is," I whispered softly, sadly, as I curled back into his side.

I found it interesting that even Hogwarts Melody—who was supposed to be my strong side— kept secrets from our Remus to spare my feelings for him. I was scared of losing him to little Nymphadora Tonks far before I knew how I really felt about him. I had told him every little detail of the future... except for that one. Lily would definitely find that interesting once I told her.

Ignoring the rather awkward end to a very personal conversation we went back up to our dorms to change for breakfast. I chose to wear a creme-colored sweater-dress with black nylons, black Docs and one of the big rose clips River had sent me to pin my fringe to the side while Remus wore a casual pair of black slacks with a white Oxford and the steel gray cardigan I had worn over the lingerie. Somehow we always managed to look like a matching set even without it being our intention. It was nice but could prove troublesome when I was supposed to be dating one of his best mates, especially when those chatty fifth year Hufflepuff girls who had stayed behind too begun discussing about it over breakfast. To my complete and utter horror Slughorn and Dumbledore decided to join in the conversation as well.

Luckily, I managed to diverge the enthusiastic few which surrounded us by busting out the gifts. An assortment of candy for the chatty Hufflepuff girls and their male counterpart; the four Slytherin boys; and the Ravenclaw girl. Dumbledore got three pairs of nice wool socks as something of an inside joke (which only I seemed to understand) and Slughorn positively lit up when I handed him his box of crystalized pineapple.

"I assure you, sir, Remus and I are just good friends," I lied to Slughorn. All the while I could feel Dumbledore's piercing eyes on me and I was sure he knew what I was thinking which was more than a little skeevy. On the bright side this meant he'd be able to see that Lily and Remus knew about me, since we had not met to discuss my progress here in ages. "I've been dating Sirius Black for some time now."

Remus became tense beside me while Slughorn went on and on and on about how he wished he would have had Sirius in his class. The set, as he referred to Sirius and Regulus as. I had never even seen Regulus in all my months at school and no one had even bothered mention him once. I had forgotten all about him, actually, but now that it had been brought back to my attention I begun to wonder if I could help him too, and Barty Crouch, Jr. He was in Regulus's year wasn't he? And Marlene McKinnon who had graduated last year with honors, and the Longbottoms who were graduating this year, and Dorcas Meadowes who had been one of Slughorn's best back in the day, and the Prewetts, and ... and ... I had never realized how much I would have to do in so little time or how difficult it would be to keep everyone alive. I admit it was rather idealistic, but could you blame me? These were good people; they were not the ones who deserved to die.

"I was disappointed to know you wouldn't be having your Christmas party this year, Professor," I commented to change the topic at hand yet again. It had somehow managed to loop back into my love life. Why was everyone so interested in who I was currently snogging? Why?

"Yes, as was I, but with all that has been going on recently I figured not very many would want to stay behind, preferring to spend as much time as they could with their loved ones," he explained. "But fear not, my dear, I will be having another toward the end of the year. You'll be invited, of course, and Ms. Evans." Oh how he loved me and Lily: his top students. "You're welcome to come, too, Mr. Lupin as I have seen significant improvement in your work these past months. No doubt due to your tutoring, eh, Ms. Corden?"

Remus and I were the first to leave breakfast, discreetly promising to give me my present, which he warned was not an object but an experience (I still had my hopes). It was to be a surprise so he tied a blindfold over my eyes and enchanted it so that I would not be able to take it off until we reached our destination. The enchantment was so powerful it would not even let me sneak a peek.

We walked up several flights of stairs then down a long corridor before we stopped. I felt Remus leave my side and heard the sound of large doors opening before his fingers were once again laced with mine. The blindfold fell the moment I stepped over the threshold.

"This room," I whispered in awe. It was almost as amazing as the time I realized I was not dreaming all of this. Almost. We were in the Room of Requirement, more specifically, the place of hidden things.

"The first time I came here was when the lads found out about my affliction." I was about to protest to the particular word he chose when he continued, "I've never told anyone about this place, just you at this very moment. I come here whenever I want to disappear fro the world, when I want to be as hidden as all the junk in here is. The solitude can be comforting sometimes."

We walked in reverential silence for a while and I watched as Remus ran his fingers over every dusty thing as if it were the most precious objects in the world. It was so obvious how much this place meant to him.

"Why can't you just stay here on full moons?" I asked. "Why do you have to go away?" This had been something I had always wondered but never really taken the time to think about.

"The Room of Requirement follows a very certain set of laws," he explained. "Even if this room were to be designed by what Dumbledore wanted for my safety, it would have to bend to the wolf's wishes once it was in here, so if it wanted out—It's much safer, the Shrieking Shack."

I nodded understandingly, knowing it would be best to leave the subject. "This place is huge."

"It's very easy to get lost in as well, luckily there's always a door when you most need it. That's the way it works." He sighed, taking a seat on a pile of broken desks and chairs which had been arranged to form a flat surface by one simple flick of his wand. "It feels like ages since I was last in here, I was when—" but he stopped.

"What?" I asked curiously. 'Tell me."

The was no masking the pain in his voice as he spoke, "The last time I came in here was the day you begun dating Vane. I couldn't understand it. You two had never once spoken to each other and then out of the blue you were completely head-over-heels in love with him. There I was, hiding out in the library, trying to build up the courage to finally ask you out," he paused, grimacing at the memory. "I found the two of you snogging outside the Great Hall and I just felt dreadful, even worse than I do on full moons, so I ran into this place to hide the pain, or at least try to."

His words seemed to trigger something within me and all of the sudden my head felt like it was going to explode. The room begun spinning and I was finding it harder to breathe. Then there was total darkness and then the memories came creeping back.

_It was early February and the boys and I were happy because we had wiped the floor with the Slytherins our last match against them. We all looked much younger then; I did especially since I still had a rather boyish figure. In the middle of our mini celebration I noticed Hazel and Lily's expressions darken as they focused on something behind me, then no less than a second later Andros Vane was standing there beside me._

_I had never spoke to him, but I had heard enough of him to make me want to avoid him like the plague. Sure, he was handsome, intelligent and not at all bad at Quidditch but I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. Without so much as asking he took a seat in the spot I had been saving for Remus, who was in the library (as per usual)._

_"May I help you with something?" I asked through gritted teeth._

_Slytherins and I had never seen eye to eye and therefore I had no problem with rude behavior towards them, even the ones I had never before met._

_"Yeah, the losers table is that way," said Peter boldly, but then Andros shot him a glare and he cowered into River's side._

_"I just wanted to congratulate you all," he said simply, brushing off Peter's clever little comment as though it had never been said. "You were clearly the better team today. Might I also add that I quite admired that little maneuver of yours, Corden. Nearly killed me with that Bludger, didn't you?"_

_"Well, that had been the plan," Sirius muttered darkly. Hazel and James begun to snicker._

_Then Andros got up and turned to go back to the Slytherin table._

_"Wait!" I called, looking up at him confused. When he turned around I said, "That's it? You're not going to try to get back at us or anything?"_

_"Why would I do something like that?" he asked, sounding genuinely puzzled by my question. "You played an excellent and fair match. You lot deserve your victory."_

_"Oh."_

_I was stuck dumbfounded as he left, but I was suddenly overcome with a burning thirst and just had to take a sip of my drink._

_The smell coming from my goblet was divine, almost like that of some exquisitely yummy desert. Milk chocolate, strawberry bubblegum ... there were some mild hints of rain and wet dirt and something identical to what I smelled of Moony whenever he hugged me, but I though these extra scents had been imagined. Coffee. Vanilla. Petrol? (I loved the smell of the stuff for some bizarre reason) Chimney smoke?_

_What was in my drink?_

_By the time I realized something was very, very wrong I had already downed the entire thing._

_"Where Andros?" I demanded, after checking and realizing he was no longer at his table. "Did anyone see where he went?"_

_"Umm...He just left," answered River, pointing to the open doors._

_I had an intense desire to see Andros, to hear him, touch him ... I immediately got up, clumsily rushing out yelling a 'see you guys later!' behind me. _

_There he was, leaning against the banister at the main staircase, something of a victorious smirk smeared across his face. I ran over to him, jumping into his arms and wrapping my legs around his waist. My lips hungrily met his._

_"I love you," I whimpered against them._

_"Always knew you would, kitten."_

_If Remus was there I couldn't have possibly noticed considering Andros and his too-full lips had my undivided attention._

The scene then faded into another, more recent one.

_"GET OUT!" I boomed, chucking a lamp at his head. He ducked, the lamp missing by only a few centimeters. "Get out right now before I 'Crucio' the hell out of you!"_

_"Melody, darling, I can explain everything!" Andros insisted, putting the palms of his hands out to me as a sign of his surrender._

_"What's to explain? You practically poisoned me!" I sobbed angrily. "You tricked me into /iloving youi! I can't believe you used that stupid potion on me!"_

_"Only in the beginning!" Even if that had been true it wouldn't have helped his case._

_"Get Out! Get Out! GET OUT!" I shrieked before jumping at him, knocking him to the ground and beating every part of him I could get my fists on until James and Sirius came running into the room. They had quite a hard time trying to get me off of him with all my thrashing and kicking, wild with pent up rage (this was nothing compared to what I was capable of). Sirius held my arms behind my back and James blocked Andros from my sight, both boys knowing full well that if my anger got just a tad bit worse I'd have no control of my magic, even without my wand, and no one would be safe._

_I watched as Remus, Peter, and Pete dragged a semi-unconscious Andros out of my room leaving a trail of blood all over my fluffy pink carpet and a large puddle of the stuff where I had knocked him out._

_"Let me go!" I growled frustratedly. "Let me go dammit!"_

_I thrashed some more and even bit James when he decided to help Sirius keep hold of me, and yet they refused to give in to my demands until Remus came back and told them it was okay. Remus recognized the signs. He knew I needed to yell and cry, throw some more things and have him hold me until I fell fast asleep._

_James and Sirius let me go suddenly and I fell to the ground, letting out another string of curses. When they were gone, Remus scooped me up in his arms and gently laid me on my bed. As was routine when it came to these fits of mine, he took off my shoes and changed me into my pajamas (I had never minded him or anyone else of my friends seeing me naked), laying beside me. He had cast a silencing charm on the room to let me curse and yell all I wanted and I appreciated it though I never thanked him for it._

_When it got to the crying he pulled me to his chest and let me bury my face in the crook of his neck as he rested his chin on top of my head. He would mutter his reassurances every now and then until he himself tired of them and switched to humming as he gently stoked me back._

_I could feel my eyes grow heavier by the second, and so before I would let sleep take complete hold of me I willed myself to confess something I had been hiding for the longest time. "I love you, Moony," I whispered and placed a feather-light kiss on his lips._

And once again, everything fell into darkness.

* * *

** A/N:** Something of a cliffhanger, though that had originally not been my intention. It would have been far too long of a chapter had I not cut it off where I did. On the bright side, that means you lot get a new chapter faster and things take quite an interesting turn, if I do say so myself. Even I was surprised as I was writing it all.

And Andros, eh? Did you see that coming?

I hope you've enjoyed the chapter and that the italics for the flashbacks prevented at least some confusion. Fell free to write me a review, if you'd like.


	15. Soul Meets Body

**Chapter 15: Soul Meets Body**

I felt I had to claw my way out of that darkness and into the light. For a moment I had feared I was dying—that light-at-the-end-off-the-tunnel phenomena and all—but I still felt relatively human and very much alive when I finally reached the light, which in this instance means every bit of me was in very sudden severe pain. Then again, I could have fallen into hell. At least. That's what I had thought when I first opened my eyes. Well, no, that's not exactly true ...

It was early morning judging from the bit of natural light in the room. I had finally fought my way out of my mind but I wasn't in the Room of Requirement with Remus anymore. Hours had passed and, though it was not mine, the bed I lay on was all too familiar. I was in the Hospital Wing ... again.

When I could manage to think straight without having to keep my mind from delving into my most recent flashbacks I begun to notice things different and even, dare I say, _wrong_. I could not place my finger on what was causing my unease but even when the only thing I could see were the curtains around my bed and the ceiling I could feel the totally wrongness. The bed I lay on looked as familiar as it felt, what with the painfully thin mattress and scratchy sheets, but had there always been florescent lighting in here? Was that even possible within castle walls? I had a pretty hard time imagining a wizarding world in which electricity existed. It was a bad idea for one. Most who knew nothing about this stuff would be so mesmerized by it that they'd not be able to do anything but toy with it all day.

I groaned, feeling a throbbing pain at the back of my head when I finally decided to sit up. Something was seriously wrong with this picture. The curtains were the wrong color and material and sheer enough so that I could see just how claustrophobically small this room was, and that it had no moving pictures. No Pomfrey either—she was always around whenever I woke up, almost like she had some sort of radar.

There was an abundance of technology. Absolutely no magic! Where the bloody hell was I now?!

I yanked out the protruding tubes all over my arms, wincing at the sensation. There was a slithering sound the a muted thump as they fell onto the cold linoleum.

"M-Melody? You awake, love?"

I'd know that voice anywhere.

The curtains flew open before me and surely enough there he was. I was a bit shocked by his appearance at first but then overcome by something very much like amusement. He was wearing clothes I had never seen on him before: a black t-shirt with a 70's punk band's name written across it; a pair of torn and rather tight-fitting jeans, and red high tops. Beneath the tweed newsboy cap he was crookedly wearing his hair was longer and shaggier than I had ever seen it.

I just couldn't stop myself from laughing at him. It wasn't that he didn't look good, but—

"You looked like you've raided Sirius's wardrobe!" I giggled breathlessly.

In his typical fashion, he rolled his eyes and smiled. Then, to my surprise, he leant down toward me, giving me a long kiss which left me tingly all over. "Here comes your mum," he whispered as he pulled away. "Do try not to make any more comments like that."

I shot him a puzzled look to which he replied by pressing his index finger to his lips. Before I knew it I was being crushed by my mother's arms and suffocated by her abnormally large chest. She was thin but damn was she stacked. She had always hated it, of course, claiming it made her look disproportional when really she was drop dead gorgeous. Even approaching forty she could have passed as my big sister. I had always been secretly jealous of her even though I loved her to pieces.

"Oh, my sweet baby girl!" she sobbed into my hair before pulling back and holding my face in her hands, squishing my cheeks in a way I was certain made me look terribly unattractive. "Thank God you're okay! I-I almost had to call your father—Oh, what a disaster that would have been! Haven't seen the bastard in ages, and I don't intend to..." she was rambling.

So that was where I got it from ... Yes, something as very, very wrong with this picture. If the room hadn't been my clue to this then Remus's ensemble should have been. My mother was not speaking in anything that might have hinted to a Spanish or Irish heritage but rather the obnoxious yet endearing Chicago accent which was hers before ... and as he had greeted her Remus's accent had gone from normal to full-out EastEnders in an instant. Upon closer examination he looked older, too—five years give or take—and his scars were all gone.

"Mum, what's going on? Where am I?" Thank Merlin I still had my quirky Welsh but ever-so-slightly Irish accent! It would have been a bitch to have to start from scratch again!

Mum begun to sob even harder. "I really thought they had stopped," she begun shakily. "You haven't had one of these fits in years, at least since you were twelve! When Pete found you in the bathroom, I-I-I—" She begun sobbing some more and could not stop to finish her sentence.

How could this have happened before? How could this jumping from one world to another be normal or even as frequent as her words suggested without my remembering any other incidents prior to this one? Surely, one would remember something like this.

I forced out my "American" accent out as I saw that my normal one seemed to be the main cause of her distress for some bizarre reason. "What do you mean 'again?'" I demanded a hint of panic rushing through me. "Mom?"

I grimaced at how it had all come out. My voice sounded so nasally and annoying, not nearly as smooth as I had grown used to.

Mum shook her head, a pained expression marring her usually lovely features. "You've never been to remember. It started hen you were just a baby but we didn't know what it was until you started talking. You fall into these commas, then wake from them a a completely different person, just like now. You'll insist this world isn't real next, you always do."

None of it made any sense to me, but I could not find the words to articulate my distress.

Pete sat at the edge of my bed and begun fidgeting with my wristband as he said, "Tristan came over just a little bit after you, um, well, relapsed, I guess that's what we could call it." He sighed, jerking his head to Remus who was shooting me a look that explicitly told me to keep my mouth shut. "You left your wallet back at his shop and I told him what happened. Apparently, he used to have a friend back home who went through the exact same thing, and mom thought he could be of some help to you. Small world, huh?"

The smallest.

I nodded, feeling more than a bit dazed. "Mind stepping out for a mo so I can talk to Remu—Tristan? Pete? Mum?"

They did, shutting the door behind them.

Quickly falling back into Hogwarts Melody, I dropped the accent. "Tristan? Remus? What the bloody hell is going on here?! Better yet, what are you doing here? _How_ are you here?"

He had pulled up a chair beside me and he shook his head. "I can't tell you. Not now, anyway. Try to be patient, it will all make sense to you some day."

"Am I stuck here?" The fear was obvious.

"No, you'll be back soon enough."

"Are you?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I can't sure."

Three months later I was still living in San Diego. I was back to being frizzy-haired, flat-chested, magic-less and fat (not really, but I wasn't skinny anymore either). Tristan/Remus and I were living together above his shop of which now I was an employee. I had opted not to go back to community college at the start of the autumn term, finding spending my time with my old-new boyfriend much more productive. Neither the relationship nor the living arrangement bothered my mother because she absolutely adored "Tristan" and his old-fashioned ways. To be fair, he was the only reason I hadn't gone mad and I think mum saw this whenever we were together. Remus/Tristan was the only string tying me to what I now perceived as the real world.

In this time I had also discovered that mum had indeed been right about these episodes having happened to me since I was a little girl. In our storage locker in the car park of our building I had found two large boxes full of journals. The earliest entries dated back to the early 90's and were documented as dreams, but as time progressed they begun to read more like diary entries. The ones from this year—from 2009—were full of theories, but none of it helped explained why I could only remember it a few days before everything was completely wiped from my mind. All memories of these episodes seemed to have thoroughly wiped from my memory (both this world and the others).

"I know you know the answers to everything I'm wondering right now," I sighed frustratedly as we watched the final scenes of _Prisoner of Azkaban_. Remus/Tristan loved this one and thought all the actors were brilliant. After having met the real Marauders (and Snape), even I had to admit I was impressed.

"Yeah, I do," he answered smugly, planting a kiss on my forehead. "You'll soon find everything out. I'm surprised you haven't yet. The store holds several clues."

His vintage shop was brilliant and pretty much made up of everything I had every owned throughout our school years. My clothes, my shoes, my jewelry ... only it wasn't the real things, just frighteningly good replicas based of of Remus's sketches which he had done from memory. I never even knew he could draw so well. Even the store's walls were painted with scenes depicting our years at Hogwarts. The ones right outside the changing rooms were painted to look exactly like my bedroom at the Potter's; the one from the last memory where I had finally discovered what had happened between Andros Vane and myself.

"Can't you at least tell me when I'll be going back?"

"Tomorrow," he said simply, swinging a small black book in front of my nose.

"Is that—That's mine, isn't it?" I asked. "Give it here!"

I tried to tackle him for it but he dove away, stretching his arm far from my reach and we fell to the floor tangled together with a loud, painful thump. He kissed me deeply, hoping it would be a good enough distraction but when I kept stretching for the little book he pulled away and sighed, "You can't know your future. You'll surely go mad if you do."

"Is that what happen to you?" I said, looking up at him. We had not moved and he had fallen on top of me. "I mean, someone had to tell you what would happen."

"I'll find out next year—not here, but there. When you go back, you must not tell me any of this. I've always known about your 'condition' as you've always known about mine, just not the details of it."

"Can I ask you one last thing?" He nodded. "Why haven't you tried to sleep with me? We're pressed together, stripped down to our knickers and Sirius isn't here. What's wrong with trying now?"

He laughed until tears were glistening in the corners of his eyes. "I guarantee you'll have sex by the end of the year, just not at this moment."

We spent the entire next day with my mum and brother since we knew I'd have another collapse. After I helped mum make lunch we all sat and talked about our mundane and pathetically uneventful lives until it took a rather uncomfortable turn.

"You kids are being safe, right?" she asked, taking the last piece of sushi and popping into her her mouth. I looked at her wide-eyed, mouth agape in horror and Remus begun choking on his drink. "I don't mean to pry but you've always said you wanted to have children young, Mel, sweetie, and you two seem terribly attached to one another."

I groaned into my cup melon juice. "We're really having this discussion now?" I glared at Pete who sat in the corner nearly pissing himself from laughing so hard. I wanted to throw a shoe at his head or something. "To clarify, I am a virgin, mother." (There was no need to tell her what I did in the shower sometimes) "Tristan and I share a bed fully clothed and that's only because I wouldn't let him sleep on his couch, 'kay?"

As if that wasn't enough, she turned to Remus and asked, "So, Tristan, how many sexual partners have you had? I assumed you're more experienced than my little girl."

"OH. MY. GOD!"

My embarrassment seemed to puzzle my mother but amused my brother and boyfriend to no end.

"Only one back in the U.K."

"And girlfriends...?" For someone who didn't mean to pry, my mum was sure doing a lot of it.

"Two," he replied honestly. "My first one was a very lovely girl and quite mad, like your daughter." He winked at me and my mum smiled at the dynamic a my cheeks turned an even brighter shade of pink. "It was a complicated and dizzying ride; we had our fair share of rows but there was never a dull moment when she was around."

"And the other?" I asked, sounding anxious. My tone was rather harsh and insistent.

"It didn't last very long with that one."

It should have been enough to put me at ease but it wasn't.

"That's it?!" I exclaimed, just a tad bit angrily. "Which one did you sleep with then?"

"Now, Melody," said mum in her signature soothing voice. "You really shouldn't pry."

OMIGOSH! REALLY?

I excused myself and walked outside, sitting down in the little patch of grass in the courtyard by the pool. Remus, of course, had followed.

"You're angry with me," he acknowledged with a sigh.

"No, but I probably will be when it happens, won't I?" I grumbled. He didn't respond. "What ever happened to all that love nonsense you were always going on about?"

He begun stroking my hair as I rested my head on his chest. "You must know by now that everything I do is because of you, love," he said sounding totally serious. "Besides, it would seem rather unfair that you date your good share of lads while I only date you. If it makes you happy, you were _my_ first. The only person I'd ever be with is you and you know that, but you ... well, you don't tell me everything, do you?"

I sighed, running my hands and getting them stuck in my mess of tangled curls. Remus had to help me get out of them and let me tell you it was embarrassing, though not as much as the conversation with my mother. "Can't I at least know who it's going to be? You know, so I can emotionally prepare myself?"

He shook his head, a grim-looking sort of smile playing at his lips. "I don't want you killing anyone over me," he said, half-joking.

I frowned and pulled away from him, crossing my arms over my chest childishly. "It's Hazel, isn't it?"

"Nope," he chuckled.

"I groaned and started to stand. "Whatever."

The moment I was steady on my feet was when I begun to feel nauseous, and the sun seemed just a little too bright; it stung my eyes harshly. I began to sway but Remus steadied me, leading me back into the house. I was already beginning to feel the detachment from this body and everyone started to sound so far away from me. Remus as he called the ambulance, my mum and Pete as they urged me to stay with them. I didn't want to stay because I had been assured I would go back and I needed to go back. There were so many questions yet answered and so many mysteries yet unravelled; so many things I still had to do and lives that needed saving. A whole world that needed my knowledge and help. Yes, I had enjoyed my time here with Remus with my mother and brother, but I hated the way the days seemed to melt into one another. When I was a witch I likened each day to a snowflake; special, unique, each one different. That was not the case here.

I seemed to greet the darkness as an old friend, encouraging it to take me, and when it did I floated in it, waiting patiently for my return. I waited and waited but nothing seemed to come. Was it possible for one to get stuck in this transitory state? No memories came either, just weak flickers of them, most to do with my father as he was in the world I was supposed to be returning to. For a moment it almost felt like I would fall asleep until something violently hit me and I begun tumbling into the light again. Falling, falling, falling down ...

* * *

**A/N:** If you read the previous chapter's A/N, you'll understand the slightly shorter length of this chapter. Thanks to the 18 who have marked this story a favorite and the 3 who have marked me as their favorite author. These things are very flattering, and as always thank you all for reading yet another chapter!

- Melissa


	16. Tears Are In Your Eyes

**Chapter 16: Tears Are In Your Eyes**

**[Lily]**

I was the last to know what had happened to Melody, but it didn't really upset me. It was the network. Remus was with her when she passed out and he went to Madame Pomfrey straight away who then contacted Melody's mum who then told Potter's mum and Potter and Black overheard so they owled Peter who owled River (and Hazel who was staying at River's) who then phoned me. It wasn't a hierarchy, it was just a matter of convenience and since the Potter's were the Corden's neighbors they got all news first.

Everyone was in a panic, of course, by the time the news got to me because by then Melody had been taken to St. Mungo's. She had died, they had explained to all of us. She had been without breath or a pulse long enough to be legally dead when all of the sudden her heartbeat came back and she began to convulse. She was awake but not really there and then she just fell back into a deep state of comatose. This was worse than it had ever been before.

We had all been well aware of her condition for years and had grown used to her falling unconscious every now and again, but this was worse. She _died_! She died and came back. The circumstances were all so impossible and terrifying, leaving us all in a dreadful state of depression. We were all forced to go back to school, though most of us refused (yes, even me) because we thought it more important to stay at Melody's side. It wasn't until Professor Dumbledore promised to give us leave to see her ever weekend that things calmed down. Not really, though. The minute the term started, so did the rows.

River had accidentally let out one day at dinner about Melody's brief relationship with Remus, in defense to his glum demeanor and lack of appetite, and from that moment on it was all World War III. Sirius dove across the table punching Remus square in the jaw and Remus, to everyone's amazement, fought back (rather well, I might add). It was the strangest thing any of us had ever seen which was why none of us moved to do anything about it. It wasn't until McGonagall came over and intervened that we realized blood had been shed.

Things were tense, to say the least.

It became too much for some of us to bear which was why Hazel slowly broke away from us and started to spend most of her time with Mary Macdonald, who she had never told us was her cousin. River started hanging out with Peter, feeling sorry for him after he began getting ignored by his so-called friends. I watched everything in horror, and would often cry myself to sleep, trying to think up some way to fix it all, but there wasn't. None of us had realized just how important Melody was in all our lives until she wasn't with us anymore. We had never taken the time to realize that she was the strongest of all the strings binding us together.

Soon, Remus stopped showing up in the Common Room altogether. None of us had a clue where he went at night until I followed him one night after patrol and saw him walk into a room I had never seen before. Stranger yet, the door had disappeared a soon as he locked it.

"It can't be..." I whispered.

"That little git!" said a voice, starling me. The voice was familiar, very familiar but there was no one in this corridor. I was nearing midnight and anyone caught out of the bed was sure to get detention, except Prefects, naturally. I looked behind me to see Potter's head floating in midair mere inches from me. I opened my mouth to scream but his arm shot out of nowhere to cover my mouth.

I tried speaking, but not even I could understand what came out.

"What was that, Evans?"

There was the hand through the hair. The great, prat. Did he know how mad that habit of his drove me? Did he do it on purpose to see if I'd go weak in the knees? I did this once, too tired to put up my walls. He pulled his hand away to keep me from falling.

"Sorry, didn't mean to frighten you."

"What are you doing here?" I hissed.

"Spying on Moony, of course." I rolled my eyes at those stupid nicknames of theirs. "Same as you by the looks of it."

I smacked his arm. I could hear Melody now. 'Any excuse to touch him," she'd have said.

Tears begun running down my cheeks and when Potter grazed his knuckles over my cheek to stop them, I didn't push him away. "You're not supposed to be out of bed."

"Are you going to give me detention, Evans?" she smiled crookedly.

Damn him. Damn him to the fiery pits of hell for being so bloody charming,

"No," I sighed. "Just don't let anyone else see you, yeah? Come on." He threw the hood of his cloak back on over his head as we begun walking back up to Gryffindor Tower. Had I not been so proud, I'd have thanked him for sneaking out, just for the sole fact that he was walking back with me. I was terrified of the dark, believe it or not. Even though he was invisible I felt safe with him, especially him. Merlin, I loved the insufferable git!

I eyed the space where I was sure he was. "Where'd you get that from anyway?" I asked. "The cloak, I mean."

"It was my dad's," he replied. "Been in my family for ages. Brilliant, isn't it?"

I shrugged, pretending to be unimpressed. "It explains how you lot manage to get away with so much."

"It helps. Shame we can't all hide under it at the same time now without our feet showing."

I couldn't hold back the laugh. I imagined disembodied feet lurking around the castle, well, except for Peter since he was so short, not even his head would be under cover with the other three under it.

James threw his hood off and stopped walking. He just stood there staring at me with his wide hazel eyes, a hint of a smile on his lips.

"What?" I asked self-consciously after a moment of this, tucking and untucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Don't curse me for saying this Evans, but," he began, already in a protective stance, backing slightly away from me, "you're bloody gorgeous. Especially, when you smile. I hardly ever get to see you smile. That's my own fault, I guess. Sorry about that."

Thank goodness it was so dark, otherwise he'd seen my cheeks turn bright scarlet. I couldn't stop myself from doing what I did next. I got on my toes, holding onto his invisible shoulders for support and pressed my lips against his. I didn't move. I had felt him go all rigid and was waiting for him to do something. Anything. I hadn't a clue where to go from here because, believe it or not, this was my first kiss. Not that Sev never tried but I had always pretended not to notice, mean as that sounds.

My eyes were shut tight when I felt his lips curl into a smile and begun to move.

At that moment everything that had every little thing running through my mind disappeared and the world exploded into a flurry of colors, the way Melody had always described what it felt like when she kissed Remus. Bloody hell, I am in love with James Potter!

An idiotic grin graced my features when we pulled away breathlessly, probably identical to the one he was wearing. Sometime during the kiss, his cloak had fallen, he had pushed my up against the wall, and my legs had wrapped themselves around his waist. Weird.

I got off him, face hot with embarrassment, and I smoothed out my skirt.

"That was your first kiss, wasn't it?" If it were possible, I think his smile might have widened with his words. "I got your first kiss."

Was it that obvious? I was dreading it. What if he thought it was horrible? What if he'd stop caring about me now that I finally gave in to him? But Melody had said we were supposed to have a son in the future, so he had to love me, too ... didn't he?

"Not a word," my voice was dark with the underlying threat. I jabbed my finger into his chest but even that small bit of contact turned me into a pathetic mess.

"It was—I didn't mean to—you—Don't—toerag!" I stuttered before falling to the ground, hiding my face in my hands. I didn't look up when I felt him beside me. "Just don't go any be all 'you' about this. I like you, I'll admit it! I, Lily Evans, like James 'toerag' Potter! Are you happy now? I just can't deal with your smugness right now, not when Melody might die at any moment and everything is falling to shit around us."

"I'm not smug, I'm surprised." I felt his lips press against my hair and shuddered. A good shudder, not a bad one. "I know how you're feeling about all of this. All our friends have been torn apart and you're trying your best to put the pieces back together. I get that. I'm doing the same. I'm caught in the middle of this whole thing between Remus and Sirius. Sirius keeps throwing his tantrums, trying to pick fights with Remus and Remus has turned into a manic depressive recluse who refuses to eat, worst of all he's hurting himself."

My eyes widened in shock. "What do you mean? He's not suicidal is he?"

James winced. "Nearly. It's complicated, Lily, and he just doesn't want our help anymore."

Upon hearing his words I remembered something I had tried so very hard to forget.

_"What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?" Sev demanded._

_"What's Potter got to do with anything?"_

_"They sneak out at night. There's something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?"_

_"He's ill," I said. "They say he's ill—"_

_He gave me a look as if asking me if I really bought that lame excuse. I didn't. "Every month at the full moon?"_

_"I know your theory. Why are you so obsessed with them anyway? Why do you care what they're doing at night?"_

"So Sev was right," I whispered. "Remus is a werewolf. I always thought he'd have told me. I should have known... I should have figured it out—Did Melody know?"

James nodded. "She knew. Figured it out about the time we did but didn't admit it until, um, last year, I think. She's never cared though, they're still best mates and, well, Moony's in love with her apparently. He doesn't want us helping him anymore during full moons because he iwants/i to hurt himself. I reckon he thinks the physical pain'll serve as a distraction."

"And you just let him?" I asked, appalled.

"Like I'm really going to go up against an upset werewolf. I'd like to keep my limbs, thanks very much." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair again, getting back on to his feet. He helped me up and put his invisibility cloak back on. "There's nothing we can do about it, anyway. He's been leaving earlier every month. He knows we can't skive off to stop him. It's just so weird, you know? I can't believe we never noticed how he felt about Mel."

I snorted. They really could be oblivious sometimes. "A blind person could've told you he loved her, and that she loved him back just as fiercely. Except Mel. We all knew how she felt before she did. River and Hazel even had a bet going on."

James looked utterly confused. "She loves him? I just thought she fancied him. You'd think that since she went out with Padfoot straight away after she ditched Moony."

"Remus ditched_ her_," I corrected.

"I was trying to keep her safe," said a voice behind us. James and I jumped and turned to see a very ragged and peaky-looking Remus standing in the middle of the corridor, just staring at us. I found myself wondering if he had been there the entire time, afraid he might have seen me kiss James. "You two really should keep your voices down, Filch is around here somewhere."

"Remus, mate, you and Sirius need to talk it out," said James, sounding desperate and broken.

Remus sighed. "Whatever there is to talk about, I know he won't listen. He thinks I stole Melody from him. He thinks I've gone against the 'Code,' every time I step foot into our room he wants to hex me."

"Just try," insisted James.

"I have tried. Merlin, James, I've tried," his voice was like steel. "Neither of us can help what we feel for her, can we? No more than you can help how you feel for Lily. It's not like she can control what she feels. She's the one who chose. It's not my fault she happened to chose me. It was a stupid choice, nevertheless, it wasn't mine. Sirius just doesn't get that."

"You don't have to hurt yourself, though, Remus," I said. I was sad, too. We all were. Hazel missed Melody so much she had stopped eating altogether and River begun cutting herself in a bob, though she loved her hair long, because Melody had always said she looked cute with really short hair. We were all sad, but Remus was taking it to an extreme. "I know the full moon's tomorrow and I know you'd rather be alone, just promise you'll be careful, Remus. Melody wouldn't want you hurting yourself because of her."

**[Remus]**

Lily's words echoed through my head the entire night, the entire day leading up to the full moon. Lily didn't understand. Nobody understood. On these days, the acknowledgement that Melody still hadn't woken up just made everything worse, it made it harder for me to keep the wolf in check. The wolf did not understand the concept of complex emotions or reasoning, it only knew that something important was missing and that made it sad, it made it angry. I wasn't trying to kill myself even though everyone thought I was. The wolf was trying to kill me. My emotions were tiresome and unnecessary to it.

So when night finally came, I transformed and never could keep the from hurting me. These past few months, I couldn't even remember my transformations or what I did at night, only that my injuries got worse ever morning when Pomfrey came to fetch me from the Shrieking Shack.

This night, however, things had gotten bad. Really bad.

For a moment I was able to see through the wolf's eyes. That was all the time I needed to see that it might have finally succeeded in killing me.

* * *

**A/N:** Super short, right? Probably not written very well either but this chapter has been bugging me for the longest time and I really wanted to get it out. I thought it would be better to see how everyone else is taking it. I just don't like it because Lily's perspective was more of a summary than anything. I don't know about this one, I'll probably end up changing it or scrapping it depending on how the next couple of chapters go. Still, I'd like to know what you all thought about it.

- shotgun_sarcasm/Novel Intent


	17. Where Is My Mind?

**Chapter 16: Where Is My Mind?**

"She won't last very much longer. She already died once, If she dies again that'll be the end of it" said a high feminine voice. She didn't sound sad in the least, it was more like she was simply stating the obvious, which as far as everyone else was concerned could end up being the truth.

"She won't!" This voice belonged to a man, a devastated young man who had obviously been crying. His voice was thick with sorrow. There was something to his words that suggested he did not completely believe himself which explained his dreary state. A hint of desperation and madness accenting every syllable, every sob, every caress.

I could feel them touch me now, but I couldn't at the beginning.

"We have to accept the very likely possibility that she won't wake up again," said another voice, also feminine but a slightly lower octave than the first. Her concern was obvious and her words were not meant to hurt but to help, to comfort ... not that they really did. They didn't even help console herself. She began to sob quietly as well.

"She won't die!" two other young men said. One was hiding his pain behind his anger while the other, like the first, was not embarrassed to shed tears. They both loved the girl, though in different ways. One as a sister, the other romantically.

I couldn't hear any of them at first—not for the first couple of weeks—and even when I finally could something about them didn't feel real to me. Perhaps it was because I knew I was perfectly fine and very much alive despite not being able to wake myself up. It was the most peculiar sensation, this. I tried to move and I just couldn't. My mind would race with thoughts and responses to what I heard around me but I could not voice them. I was a soul without a body, a mind without a body. Trapped. Desperate to get out. Also, a bit claustrophobic ... was it even possible for a soul to have an irrational fear of small, enclosed spaces?

As I said, I tried for weeks to let myself be known with no success. I couldn't bear hearing others in distress, especially if it was my fault, and yet this was what I was sentenced to day in and day out, for half an hour at the very least. The first boy, he came 'round more than the others and he'd talk with me. He'd tell me he wasn't supposed to be there but that he went anyway. It was nice because I'd like to pretend we were actually having a conversation. Sometimes it felt like we were. Sometimes I'd say something and he'd reply as if he had actually heard me. This more than anything gave me hope, but it intrigued me more than anything. Who was he? Who were they, these people who cared seemed to care so much about me? I hadn't the slightest clue.

I counted the days, the weeks, the months, the hours and the seconds and this floaty, celestial-like state never seemed to sprout an exit. Was it just me or did it look a little like a train station? I was going mad all by myself. I couldn't scream or cry or throw things for this place prevented me from doing so. Then finally I began to feel the end approaching. I had been in the strange, warm, floaty, glowing world for two months and a couple of weeks. When you start to feel the pull all the counting sort of just evaporates from memory, like everything else around you and all you can think about is the light that's pulling you in. It was not the same light that had brought me to this place. I did not fear this light, I trusted it, and when the light took me everything seemed to change.

_My name is Melody Corden but I usually just go by Melody. I remember that I hate being called 'Mel' but that my friends still do it often despite my constant protests. My friends ... Wait, do I even have friend? Yes, I do. Who are they? Where are they?_

I woke up about an hour or so after sunrise today with the biggest headache I'm certain I have ever experienced. I was terribly dizzy and disoriented. At first I thought I had gone blind but quickly realized I had yet to open my eyes, then when I did open them I thought my vision had gone pink (is hair supposed to be this color?) but realized it was just my fringe obstructing my vision. I didn't know where I was only that the bed was too small, and the mattress too thin and uncomfortable to be one I would regularly sleep in and that the off-white room and decor hurt my eyes with it's brightness.

_Hospital,_ a little voice in my head recalled. _You're in a hospital, genius._

I sat up — not really the best idea since it only made my head spin faster — and pushed my fringe away from my eyes again, tucking it behind my ear as best I could. That was when I first felt it: the charm bracelet. It is a small gold chain with odd and incredibly detailed little trinkets hanging off of it. The largest of the charms was a pendant dented at one side, the miniscule hourglass encrusted at its centre was slightly cracked. In that instant I knew I just had to remember it because it seemed so familiar to me and yet as hard as I tried I couldn't. My mind was foggy in a way unlike the usual morning forgetfulness that most go experience. It was very different from that, like my memories where present but a brick wall was blocking me from gaining access to them. The only thing I was able to claw out about the thing was that it had been a birthday gift but I didn't know who from or on which birthday. I knew it had great sentimental value and that I almost never took it off. I also suspected the dent to the largest charm had been caused by my accident.

_I know there are so many things missing inside my head. I can feel them in there, as if they were buzzing, but I can't get past those walls. There's not a hole and there isn't a crack, nor is there a way to get over, under or around them. This is soooo frustrating!_

I heard one of the women in the room gasp, then begin to laugh nervously before I caught sight of her. I was too busy taking in my surroundings to look at her. I somehow knew this place but I felt as though it wasn't where I was meant to be. I had been here before ... it had that sort of familiarity, sort of like déjà vu. It was a hospital but not my hospital. It wasn't the one at my school.

My hands flew up to my mouth to muffle my screams but they never came. I tried to speak but I couldn't. It hurt. My throat felt dry and burning almost like I hadn't used it in ages but it had only been a couple of hours or maybe a day at the most ... hadn't it? No, I had counted. Two months and a couple of days. Two months and a couple of days. Two months and ...

I tried screaming again but only a broken squeak pushed its way out.

The woman who had gasped, approached me. She had blonde hair held to the side by a big black and white-striped bow clip, revealing her dark brown eyebrow and big brown eyes.

"Wotcher!" she chirped in a light cockney accent, taking my hand and shaking it as if we had just met over coffee or something. She was very smiley and enthusiastic, but a bit nervous. "I'm Felicity Moon, the trainee healer for this ward. Not to worry, though, the Healer-In-Charge will be with you in a mo. Felicity fluffed and stacked my pillows so that I could sit up more comfortably and I smiled at her in thanks. "You were a right mess in the beginning, well banged up. Gruesome, really. We were beginning to wonder if you were ever going to wake up or just die again. It's been a month, nearly two since you were brought in. I dunno, I'm not very good with keeping track of the days, they all seem to blur together here." She sighed. " I reckon it's felt more like a couple of hours to you, yeah? That's what most people say when they wake up. You'll be able to talk soon enough, though, so need to worry about that, luvvy. We've mended you as best we can but it'll take some 'till your tip top again—ah, here comes Healer Quinn."

"So the sleeping beauty has woken at last!" said the woman called Healer Quinn, peeking in through the door before stepping inside. She looked like a kind, gentle woman, very much older than Felicity Moon but just as beautiful, only with a slightly regal air to her. She had sleek greying black hair tied into a loose bun a the nape of her neck, a few loose strands of it fell into her big dark blue eyes. Something about her instantly put me at ease even if I kept noticing increasingly weird things going on around me. For instance, there was a long wooden sick poking out from Felicity Moon's white robe and I could have sworn I saw a clip board floating across the air behind her.

"Hello, I'm Smyrna Quinn, the Healer-In-Charge. Felicity and I will be helping you recover. Given everyone quite a scare, haven't you?" she said with a smile. "We're on the road to a safe and speedy recovery from the looks of your vitals, most everything seems to be in order. That's always good news, but we've found something...You've suffered some severe head trauma and we've been lead to believe it's been from an extensive use of memory charms. It's all shabolic up there." She tapped the soft end of her quill to my temple and, though it didn't pose a threat to me, I shied away from it.

"Memory charms," I replied slowly. Felicity and Healer Quinn nodded. It all made sense then. "The wall. There's a wall in my head. I know there's something behind it but I can't get past it. I don't know who I am. I know my name and that I have friends—I do have friends, don't I?—but I can't remember anything else."

"It'd have been a true miracle if you were able to remember," said Healer Quinn, looking down at me with something very like pity. I didn't like it. It made me feel uncomfortable. "There are people here, sweetheart, that have been very worried about you and have been here almost day and night. Would you like to see them."

I hesitated for a moment before I nodded.

"I've already told them you may not remember very much so it's very important that you not strain yourself in answering them," said Felicity.

I nodded again.

"This should help," she said, handing me her clipboard and quill.

When I looked back up again Healer Quinn and Felicity were gone, and a bright red blur caught my eye. It was a girl. I knew this girl to be Lily Evans.

_She's trustworthy, popular and incredibly intelligent. She is also a Prefect, and one of my closest friends._

Beside her were two older people who I could not identify though they looked very familiar. One a man, the other a woman, but both had dark brown hair. They didn't look very comfortable next to each other. In fact, the woman looked absolutely repulsed once you got past the tears and smeared mascara. The man looked worried, but also like he'd rather be anywhere but in this room. Lily hadn't come with them. She was here on her own. There were others, I knew there were others, but they weren't here.

When I saw how swollen Lily's eyes were and how splotchy her face was—so much worse than the older woman's—my first instinct was to comfort her. I wrapped my arms tightly around her but that only made her gasp before her sniffling turned to full-out sobbing.

"How are you feeling, Mel?" she asked as we pulled apart.

I groaned and grimaced, it was both the pain of my sudden movements and the aggravation of hearing the dreaded nickname.

"Brilliant," was my sardonic reply.

Lily smiled and begun stroking my hair in a very motherly way and I found myself wondering: _Does my mother ever do this? Where is my mother? Is she even alive?_

That was when I realized, the sobbing woman behind Lily, beside the uncomfortable man, was my mother, and she did care. She cared a lot. The man must have been my father then.

_His name's Gideon. Gideon Hargreeves,_ the voice in my head explained. _Yes, that sorry bugger is your father._

"I feel like complete and utter shit, to be honest." Of all things I was sure I hadn't forgotten my colorful vocabulary seemed like one them. Croaking aside, my voice sounded peculiar, almost like it didn't belong to me. Yet I couldn't remember how it should have sounded even after the croaking disappeared. "What happened, Lily? Why am I here and where's everyone else? Why aren't we at school?"

Her eyes begun to fill up with tears again. "You passed out when we were all away on holiday. Luckily you weren't alone. Oh, Melody, please tell me you remember."

I didn't want to disappoint her but I couldn't lie to her either. "I've been gone. I was in this weird place, quite like a train station but everything was lovely and warm and nothing hurt. Did I die? I felt like I was dead sometimes but I could hear you sometimes, too."

She nodded, embracing me tightly again. "Mel, honey, thanks for waking up."

Was she just thanking me for not dying? Wasn't she the smarter one of the two of us? There had to have been a more eloquent way she could have phrased that. Oh well. "Your welcome?"

She let out a shaky laugh.

Here came the tears again. I'd have done anything to make them stop.

My mother—he name was Ophelia, I recalled—joined in the embrace while the father which the little voice in my head bitterly referred to as the 'sperm donor' stayed glued to the spot in which he stood just watching. "We thought we'd lost you."

Happy tears. Sad tears. So many tears including my own (because I cry when I get frustrated and I was frustrated by the fact that they were crying and there was nothing I could bloody do to stop them).

"What day is it today?"

"Fourth of March. It's Sunday," mum hiccuped. "I should get going, my shift will be starting soon, but I promise I'll swing 'round at lunch. All right, darling?"

I nodded, leaning towards her to give her one last hug, because it felt like the appropriate thing to do but I must've leaned to low, falling headfirst of the bed and landing on my arm with a painful crack.

Apparently I'm rather clumsy. Apparently shock makes me dizzy. Apparently one shouldn't make too many sudden movements when they've been asleep for several months.

The rest of my conversation my conversation with Lily was rather fuzzy because my constant thoughts and worries kept me elsewhere, constantly pulling me away from the sound of my her voice. My father sat in a chair by the door, not saying a word. The entire time he just stared at me with nervous eyes, muttering to himself so softly that neither I nor Lily could hear him. It was like he was deliberating on whether or not he should tell me something, something that by the looks of it was very important but that he was not brave enough to reveal. It was all in his eyes and the way he'd' avoid gazing in my direction if he knew I was looking at him.

Eventually Lily was told she had to leave since she was not family, which meant I was left alone with my father until my mother came to get me for lunch. He didn't move. He hardly seemed to breathe and I couldn't help but think there was something positively spider-like about him. Possibly sinister, but not quite. There was the possibility of a shred of goodness in him, if only he would look deep enough. I had a feeling he never would, which was what was so unsettling.

"Why are you here?" I asked, failing to keep my voice steady. I could already feel tears prickling behind my eyes. "You obviously don't care about me and by the looks of you, there's probably more important things you should be attending to."

"I come here every day," he said. "I just need to know that you're okay."

His voice startled me, it was much deeper than I would have though fitting for a man like him. Looking at him, a tall, thin man with clean-cut hair and crisp robes, you'd think he'd have one of those fashionably reedy voices. Then again, it would have been a comfort and nothing—not even his words—were even the slightest bit comforting.

My pulse sped up the closer he got and when he sat beside me in the very spot that was only then beginning to cool in Lily's absence, I thought I would black out again. I was scared he might do something stupid like try to hurt me.

When he raised his hand I flinched, screwing my eyes shut anticipating a blow when instead I felt his callused fingers running through my hair in a way that felt similar to my mother's touch. It was comforting.

Taking a chance, I opened my eyes to a startling sight. My father was crying. Though I could not remember if I had ever before seen something like this, my feeling suggested it was something very out of character for him. The tears, the distorted features, none of it suited him but it appealed to the more sensitive side of my nature.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked, frightened.

"This is all my fault," he sobbed into his hands. "You're here because of me. I promised you I would make things better—I promised you happiness. All I ever wanted was forgiveness, and I've nearly killed you."

"What forgiveness? For what?"

He shook his head, shrugging off even the softest of my sympathetic touches.

There had never really been the need for a reply. He had given me the answer straight out, and now there was no stopping my tears. I was angry. I was devastated. I was broken and would probably remain broken forever because—

"You did this to me!" I accused, not bothering to mask the horror and disgust in my voice. "You tampered with my thoughts! My memories, my dreams, everything is gone because of you!" I was still very weak and the sudden strain was making me worse, leaving me gasping for air. "What is this then? Is it real? Is it, or is it all a lie?"

He did not answer. He did not move. He did not breathe.

"Real or not real, dad?!" I demanded with a hoarse growl, beginning to punch his chest as hard as my weak arms could manage. "Tell me! Tell me, you bloody bastard, tell me!"

I fell back onto my pillows, my entire body shaking from my sobs and the frigid waves of hatred surging through me. I couldn't take it. I felt like a bomb that would explode in only a matter of seconds. Burring my head beneath the mountain of pillows I took a deep breath and let out a long, loud scream. It was a deep, guttural sound that was very much like that of an animal's. I screamed and screamed, thrashing, kicking my legs about in all different directions, having no real control of them.

"Wake up!" I urged myself desperately, beginning to hit myself, punch myself. I was convinced I was dreaming even though every punch brought about fresh tears. "Wake up!" I growled. "Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!"

There was no stopping me. It was like I was in my own little world and though I was able to hear when Smyrna and Felicity came running into the room with about three others, urging my father to leave the room, I continued to scream. It all needed to stop. Everything needed to stop. Things had to go back to the way they used to be, whatever they were like. It didn't matter if my life had been horrible before, but at least I'd have my memories, at least I'd be a real person and not just some hollow puppet.

Healer Quinn instructed some men to pin me down so Felicity could sedate me. I bit one of them even drawing blood from his forearm but his grip didn't loosen and before I knew it everything was black again.

I woke up again several hours later when my father was gone and my mothers shift was long since over, but no one was in my room waiting for me. I kept passing out and waking up every couple of hours, each time remembering less and less about myself. Eventually, I began writing down things—whatever lucid thought flitted across my mind—in a journal Lily had brought me from school. It had everything that had happened up until I ended up in the hospital, and I kept it by my bed all the time. It was the only thing I ever remembered. It was what I went back to all the time.

After a week I couldn't even tell you what my name was without checking the journal first.

The people Felicity and Healer Quinn called my friends only came to visit me once, but I quickly noticed one was missing. I didn't know which one but I just knew it. When I inquired about it the pretty ginger girl told me 'Remus' hadn't been able to join them but not why, or even where he was instead.

I couldn't remember anyone except my mother and caretakers, but I could walk again and Felicity would let me explore the hospital as long as she or somebody else was with me. I liked it best when it was Felicity, though, because she was the most interesting one to talk to. She didn't treat me like I was broken or sick or defective, but like we were friends which I guess was what I needed most then. She would tell me about her family, her time at this school called Hogwarts (which apparently I had gone to as well), and her friends in hopes it would stimulate something in my mind and help me get better. It worked sometimes, but everything would go away once I went to sleep.

One morning Healer Quinn came into my room and told me I was being sent home where my mother would look after me until...

Well, no one ever liked saying it but every time they tried to I knew perfectly well what they meant. I was going to die. From the sounds of it, my end was inevitable and fast approaching since they still couldn't find a way to reverse what was going on in my brain and it seemed to get worse with every moment of sleep I got. I didn't want to die. I really didn't want to die. I felt there was still something important I had to do. Several things, in fact. These were things I was sure only I could do, or so I had written some time in the first week when I was much more lucid.

And I was scared. Was everyone scared of dying like I was? I couldn't imagine how anyone couldn't be? I mean, not knowing what happens next—Maybe it would just be like waking up here every time. Maybe it would be what my life had become.

I desperately wished I could go back to being the girl from the first half of the journal. She wasn't perfect but at least she was somebody, the same somebody day in and day out. I liked her very much, but I'd never be her again sadly. I'd never get to be anyone else either.

That last day at St. Mungo's, Felicity offered to walk me around the hospital one last time but only after I made her promise she'd come visit me at home. She promised and helped me change into my clothes for that day: a comfortable pair of denim shorts, a yellow T-shirt and a gray cardigan that was too big on me, didn't smell like me, but definitely felt mine.

Felicity tied my shoes, double-knotting the laces, before she helped me into my wheelchair. Though I could walk I tired easily and when that happened my legs begun to ache. Quinn always said it was because I was pushing myself to hard, that I had to do things slowly, but I couldn't afford doing anything slowly, not when I didn't have very much time left.

This last day we went to a part of the hospital I had never been to before, the part where my mother worked. At least, I thought I had never been there before. That is until we came across a door at the very end of an empty corridor with the number 822 on the door and was struck by that peculiar warmth of familiarity. I took out my journal and begun flipping through the pages only to find that the room was featured in almost ever entry I had made while here.

_- I saw him today, I saw the boy called Remus who they say is my friend..._

_I think I remember him..._

_- Met a cute bloke today, his name's Remus._

_- Remus: he's sick like me but it's not the same as me._

_- Cute boy. Scars all over._

_- Kind boy. Hurt. Sad._

_- Remus. Key._

I opened the door hoping to see the face flashing in my mind but no one was there. The room was cold and empty. The sheets were clean and the bed was made.

I flipped through the journal falling on the last written page. It read:

_Gone today. Not dead._

The last of the entries featuring him was dated two days earlier, but whoever this boy was he wasn't dead and that was all that seemed to matter to me.


	18. Breaking Up the Girl

**Chapter 18: Breaking Up the Girl**

**[Remus]**

Ophelia Corden wasn't as fond of me as she was of James and Sirius. She knew from the very first time she met me what I was and didn't think me a suitable friend for her only daughter. If she ever knew just how close I was to her daughter, I had no doubt she'd hex me into oblivion. I didn't know why she hated werewolves beyond ordinary prejudice, but I did recall Melody once mentioning that the Corden family had had severe issues with the packs in Spain when Ophelia was young. It was a shame that she should think so poorly of me merely because of my affliction. Melody always said I'd be her favorite if I were "normal like the other three" because I was gentlemanly and old-fashioned as my mother and father had raised me to be. Unfortunately, fate seemed seldom in my favor.

This fact proven when I woke up in St. Mungo's to find that Ophelia was my main caretaker. I should have known it would be her, she was something of a specialist when it came to lycanthropy (don't ask me why, she's a strange woman) and I had been in pretty bad shape when Madame Pomfrey found me.

It wasn't my fault. None of this was my fault, but it was impossible getting anyone to believe me. Mine was as situation that could only be understood by those faced with the same problem. People seemed to think that the wolf and I were one and the same, they didn't understand that the stereotypical wolves which were the ones they so feared were the ones which chose to let the animal take over.

"Merlin, I should write a book about this when this when this entire mess is over," I thought constantly while locked up in my room in the 'secure' ward.

I'd write a book if I didn't die, of course. I didn't really think I would, though, even though I felt like I was sometimes. Dying. I meant dying. It was bad, sure, but I'd have worse, and when you've had a lifetime of scars and fractures you tend to go numb as far as any physical pain is concerned. After so many full moons I healed fairly quickly, which in this case meant a little over a week due to my fractured spine, several broken bones and severe blood loss. I honestly didn't feel it anymore.

I slept through the first couple of days and when I finally woke Ophelia was there checking my vitals, jotting down notes as these medical people do. She didn't even notice it until I inhaled rather sharply upon sitting up.

I didn't want to talk, and I didn't want to be talked to but she hadn't thought I'd be waking up and had forgotten to discard Lily's note which said that Melody was awake again. Of course now she had to say something.

I cleared my throat, tucking the note beneath my pillow and casually asked, "How long have I been here?"

Not lifting her gaze from her clipboard she replied, "Two days, but you'll have to stay a few days longer to heal properly." I nodded before she added, "I hope you don't mind, we had to lock you up in the basement your first night; last night of the cycle and all that."

Of course I minded and she very well knew I did which was why she had brought it up. She was a very immature woman when interacting with me, always doing or saying what she was certain would most annoy me. She usually succeeded but I always kept a straight face.

There were several minutes of heavy silence as she poked and prodded my sides to check on the progress of my ribs' healing. She prodded me harder every time I winced.

Finally, I had to ask what I'd been dying to know. "How is she? How's Melody?"

She clenched her jaw and I could hear her grinding her teeth. Her breathing had also gotten noticeably louder. "She's awake, as you already know, as far as what's wrong with her the Healers haven't a clue." She was holding back all weak emotions. "Her condition appears to have gotten worse in her absence and they are certain she won't live for very much longer."

All the blood drained from my body and I just gaped at her. She turned away suddenly, holding her hand to her mouth to muffle the sound of her crying unsuccessfully.

"I won't let her die, of course. Nor will Smyrna or Dorea, they promised to do everything they could for her. My daughter will live a long and full life if I've got anything to say about it," she hiccuped, roughly drying her eyes with the sleeve of her robes.

She turned back to look at me her face darker though tearstained as she eyed me menacingly. "She will live." It almost sounded like a threat. "My daughter will live. She will be much more fragile than she was which is why, as I'm sure you realize, it would be unwise of you to continue pursuing her—Oh yes, I know you _love_ her and that she may think she loves you as well."

_May think?_ That struck a nerve. Melody had proven time and time again just how genuine her feeling for me were and if her own mother couldn't see that—If she refused to see that, then she really wasn't doing her job, was she?

"Yes, I am in love with your daughter, as I have been since I met her, just as you've always hated me for my condition. Do you deny it, Ms. Corden?" She didn't reply. "If I felt that keeping my distance was what was best for her, believe me, I would but I am certain that it most certainly is not!"

She was changing the bandages around my torso and as my voice went louder, they became tighter and more uncomfortable.

"Stupid boy, it is not your condition that worries me," she snapped. I had never seen Ophelia lose her temper so this was all new to me, but it wasn't nearly as terrifying as when Melody did. "Not your condition, but the dangers that come with it. My own brother was plagued with this very affliction. He would have been fine had our parents not disowned him and lifted their protective enchantments. He had a wife and a child, but no one would employ him. On the brink of poverty and starvation some of your lot came looking for him to persuade him to join their ipack/i." She paused, letting out a deep, choked sob. "Killed them all, the monsters. _iMy/i _brother, the only person I had to love as a child, ripped apart before my eyes. The only reason they did nothing to me was because they could not see me, I still had my those enchantments placed upon me. This blasted disease brings with it death, it always has and always will."

"I would never let that happen, especially not to Melody."

"Perhaps not, but how would you care for her?" she snorted. "There are those generous and trusting like your headmaster that may choose to employ you, but do not forget you will be forced to register as a lycanthrope with the Ministry the minute you come of age. I, for one, don't think many parents would allow someone like you teaching their children. They wouldn't even let you set foot in that school if they knew. I've kept my mouth shut merely to keep my daughter happy."

She was right. It wasn't like I hadn't gone over this several times on my own when daring to dream of a future with Melody. It wasn't only that I had this problem, but the fact that my family unlike the Potters, Cordens and Blacks did not had money to burn in our vault and could not get on without a job. Dad and I barely managed as it was, bringing another person into the family would only exacerbate our situation.

"My little girl deserves the best, Remus. Surely you must know that," she sighed, her voice much more kind now. She didn't hate me, I had to constantly remind myself, she hated the monster which I hosted. "You are a lovely boy, but in this world it is not nearly enough to have brains and a kind heart, you know this. My Melody has never know poverty and I much rather she never did. James, iSirius/i: they're the sort who can give her what she needs, and now that she's back—" She let out one last shaky sob, and cupped my cheek with her small hand "—I'd rather you didn't try to rebuild your relationship with her. It's not like she'd remember you anyway..."

But she did. Somehow Melody always remembered me. It might have not been at first, but the point was that she remembered me.

That very day in fact, I realized just how embedded I was in her mind that something as grave as her condition topped with all the irreversible memory charms they had found on her, could not so easily erased. At first, of course, I thought I was dreaming when she stumbled into my room. I had noticed her pass but with perky Felicity Moon but had not realized it was her since her hair was done into a braid down her back and she wore a hooded sweater. Her mother had left about two hours before then and I was pretending to be asleep, but mine was the only open door in the entire corridor. She passed my once, then moments later I watched through my lashes as she poked her head in. I could feel her eyes scanning my bare chest. It was this warmth that her gaze ignited within me that let me know I wasn't dreaming, for in dreams it did not even compare.

Felicity must have been in the middle of one of her famously long and involved personal anecdotes which explained why she didn't realize Melody had snuck away right away. She approached me with caution, though she couldn't help but do so speedily, apparently so fascinated by my supposedly sleeping form she couldn't wait to study it up close. Not that I minded in the least, even after that rather painful conversation with her mother.

She was like an infant discovering something new. Her features arranged in such a soft, delicate way I had not seen in so long, practically since we first met. Her nose grazed mine a couple of times as she looked over ever inch of my face, but I didn't open my eyes until I felt her fingertips brushing softly against my chapped lips.

She gasped at first but then giggled to shake off the initial fright. Her fingers did not leave their place and neither did her eyes once locked with my own. Such curiosity in them. I didn't realize what a poor version of them my memory had fabricated until she was right in front of me. I didn't realize just how much I needed her with me always until I had her back.

"I know you," she breathed, her scent washing over me like the most intoxicating of sedatives. Sweet like chocolate, with a hint of strawberry tartness. Her voice was hoarse from all the months of disuse and so much softer than what I was used to hearing from her, but it was still lovely; it was still my Melody. "You're real? You seem real, but I've only ever seen you in my mind. You always seem to vanish when I open my eyes. I don't like closing my eyes, it makes my head hurt and I forget things... I become a different person." And yet traces of the girl she really was lingered ever time.

She'd visit me several times a day even though I could always hear Felicity trying to convince her to turn around when they were approaching my room. It took a while for her to completely remember me the first time, but every visit the recognition arose faster than the previous time.

By my last day at St. Mungo's Felicity had completely given up on trying to keep Melody away from me and instead took on the task of look out in the unlikely event Melody's mum decided to make an appearance.

My last day we didn't talk much, just lay there in comfortable silence. I played idly with the tips of her hair while she traced over my scars. She was absolutely fascinated by my scars, for some bizarre reason. It was the texture, she said.

She was the first to break the silence with words I desperately wish I hadn't heard coming from her mouth. Coming from her mother it meant very little, but from Melody, it just made it all the more real. "I haven't got very long left, Remus." She kept her voice low to keep it from breaking, but she couldn't completely disguise it, not when she had begun shivering violently. "I overheard my healer talking to mum—a week, they say, two at the most." She buried her face in my chest. "I don't want to die, Remus. I can't die when I don't even know who I am anymore. I need to stay...with you. It feels right, it always feels right when I come see you. I don't know why but it just feels like—It's almost as if you're the key to whatever is here," she tapped at her temple. "We've been friends for a long time, haven't we?"

I nodded and she sighed.

"Do you remember?" I whispered against her head. "Do you remember anything about me? About us?"

She shook her head. "Hardly anything, I just know that when I'm here the most peculiar feelings wash over me and all I want to do is feel you. It's almost as though I'm afraid that you'll disappear if I don't touch you. Is that strange? It probably is. I'm probably going mad already..."

She continued to ramble on while I tried to sort out my own racing thoughts.

If I was the key to her memories it would be prudent to keep close to her, but then I wouldn't be able to say goodbye and that would eventually need to be done. If I left her, if I severed all ties we ever had to one another she may have a chance to become someone else, someone with a less complicated life. All I knew was that I could not be a part of her future, for I was certain she would live on to have a future despite what the healers believed. Melody had always been a survivor, and she still had so much she needed to do, so many experiences she needed to live.

Our breaths were in sync in our silence and her fingers felt so good in my hair and I wanted her to feel something like that. So I began rubbing her back. Firmly but slowly, up and down from her neck to her waist, tangling her hair beneath my fingers with each hard caress. She tangled her fingers further into my hair, and it made my eyes roll back into my head a little. I nuzzled further into hers. It was everywhere, all over my face. My nose pressing into her head, just trying to drink in as much as I possibly could before it all went away. I kept rubbing her back. She seemed to like it.

Without even thinking about it, I tilted my head slightly and pressed a soft kiss to her scalp. I knew I shouldn't have when things were so complicated but I just wanted to show her more affection. I didn't even think about it. I felt her head tilting up, so I moved mine back slightly.

I was afraid I crossed a line with the soft head kiss. I didn't mean for it to be romantic, I just needed to show her how I was feeling then. Once I could see her face, I darted I gazed into her big brown, teary eyes. She had the strangest look on her face. Determined, almost. I knew it well, the old Melody breaking through, just as I knew that I would regret letting her do what she wanted.

Her hand slid down to the back of my neck and she pulled her face up, putting her lips on mine. I

froze. Everything froze. Her soft warm lips were pressing against mine and I was panicking, because one more kiss was sure to bring out the wolf. That couldn't happen. I had already buggered things enough by letting her do this. I shouldn't have let her do this.

"Stop." I muttered against her lips.

She would stop, and I would be fine. We'd never bring it up again, and things could stay normal. Her eyes were closed, but mine remained open in shock.

She kept going, grabbing my bottom lip in between hers and I couldn't find it in me to move or even to push her away. Then she moved her hand around from my neck and cupped my face, rubbing her thumb over my cheek. She grabbed my lip in between hers again, sucking softly and lightly. I was grasping for control, trying not to move, because if I did, everything would be ruined. I had to use all my strength not to pin her down on the floor and finally give in to what we both wanted. Why was she doing this? She remembered me, she knew what I must have been feeling. I didn't want to do something I'd regret, especially when I was trying so hard to say my goodbyes. She was making it had for me to want to leave her, even if it was for her own good. Not now, not even soon, but this separation would eventually prove beneficial to her. As for me, I could handle misfortune.

She moved to my top lip and forced her bottom in between mine. Having her soft pouty lip just there broke me. Every nerve in my body was waking up and coming to life. And suddenly, I was an 'excited' wolf in the body of a typical, hormonal teenage boy, and there was no changing that now. There was no stopping it. I brought my hand up from her back and pulled her to me roughly, crushing her lips against mine. All the air left my lungs as I began sucking on her bottom lip. When I felt her tongue come out, I didn't freeze up, I was too far gone and too weak to keep the wolf away.

I darted my tongue out and licked hers making her moan and the sound of her soft little moan drove me crazier than she had ever managed to do before. Not to mention what was going on below my waist (there was no possible way to ignore THAT). I pulled her to me tighter, satisfied that she was enjoying this almost as much as I was, and forced my tongue into her mouth. She tasted so good. She just kept pressing herself against me and pulling my face closer, panting into my mouth. For the first time ever, I finally allowed myself to really feel all of Melody against me. My Melody felt so unbelievably _good_ pressed against me that I groaned into her mouth. It was the groan that always told me it was going too bloody far, but I couldn't pull away even if I gave it a genuine try. I had to feel her beneath me; I had to feel her body pressed against mine completely. So I pinned her down, just like I had always dreamed I would one day be able to.

_Wrong. This is so very, very wrong_, I thought. _Terribly inappropriate for a hospital._

This went on for what felt like hours though really it was only a couple of minutes. No sign of progression no sign of stopping, no sign of Felicity (she could have easily stopped this before if got out of hand). I couldn't breathe and I could feel her panting beneath me, gasping for air, so I pulled away from her lips. But I couldn't stop, so I began kissing my way down her jaw, licking every now and again to taste her warm skin. She moaned again, and by some sort of reflex I wasn't aware of, I thrust my hips right into her. I couldn't help it. When she felt me do that she gasped a little and lifted her legs up, wrapped them around my waist.

Somehow, though I don't know how, exactly, her enthusiastic reaction seemed to me finally knocked some sense into me and I came to an abrupt stop. She too had felt something similar and shuffled back into a seated position a safe distance away from me, looking both thrilled and terrified by what we had both been capable of doing to each other. I was grateful that she immediately pulled down her shirt, had she not that would have got me going again in an instant (she tended to go braless).

"Remus?" he voice was small. I had not noticed her crawl back over to me, let alone that she had begun to stroke my hair in a way she mean to calm me down. I hadn't even noticed I was breathing so rapidly I probably seemed mad to her.

"That was really stupid," I finally muttered.

"I'm sorry. It shouldn't have happened. It won't ever happen again."

"But I want it to," she pouted. It was not a seductive pout, but one of genuine distress.

Her fingers shot up to her swollen lips, a mad twinkle in her eye.

Oh, God. I realized what I had done. No memories, no recollection of any precious kisses... I had corrupted her innocence. My only consoling thought being that she would not remember this after waking from her next sleep and that it had been a suitable goodbye. Painful, unfortunately, but it was the best I could have done. She would hate me if she ever did remember this moment, but her hatred would help keep her away. That was the goal, and this time I would not crumble at the sight of her sweet smiles or her distress as I had at my last attempt.

As if knowing exactly what I was thinking she planted one last, feather-light kiss to my lips, my cheek absorbing the lonely tear that had been running down hers.

Ophelia had been the winner of this argument from the moment it begun, and it was finally time for me to admit defeat.

One last kiss to compliment hers.

"I'm sorry, Melody."


	19. Blank Page

_in bed I was half dead _

_tired of dreaming of rest _

_you haven't changed _

_you're still the same_

— Smashing Pumpkins, _Blank Page_

**Chapter 19: Blank Page**

**~ FIVE MONTHS LATER ~**

**1 SEPTEMBER 1977**

_"I miss you already."_

_"We don't need to leave. We can stay ..."_

_"Mmm."_

_The only sound inside the cramp broom cupboard had been our heavy breaths and lips moving together in synchronization until I pulled away, afraid that even with Lily on the lookout we would get caught. _

_When I opened my eyes his amber ones were staring at me as if I were some sort of veela; the most wonderful, beautiful thing he had ever seen. He told me this constantly and I thanked him for it, but just as he had a hard time believing_/i my_ icompliments I had a hard time believing his._

This reoccurring dream haunted me throughout the entire summer leading up to my final year at Hogwarts. I had no idea what it meant only that I desperately wished it were reality upon waking. I never got a good look at the boy with amber eyes but I just knew he would be beautiful. I knew he would never be real to me and though I wished I would be fine with that fact I never was. One could say I had something better in Sirius because he was real, he was mine, and the closest to perfection any young man could hope to achieve and yet I wasn't.

_"I still love you, don't I?" I grinned, kissing him at the spot behind his ear that drove him crazy causing a low growl to emit from deep within his throat. _

_Though I'd never tell him for fear that it would disappoint him, I loved the way he behaved when the full moon was near. He was less shy, less hesitant, and the smallest of gestures set him off. It was also the sense of danger, the fact that he had a lot less self-control. That in itself excited me. He fascinated me and never failed to keep me wanting more._

_"That you do," he rasped, pulling me for one last kiss. "Merlin, I'll miss you."_

_I rolled my eyes. "It's only what? Two or three days?"_

_"I wish you'd take it more seriously," he said with a frown. "You could change your mind about me—You do recall what happens when I leave you alone for too long."_

I was alive though I should have been dead ages ago, and no one understood why. I wasn't getting significantly better but I wasn't getting worse either. I could remember my family, Keri, James and Sirius; I could retain all academic information with ease which was the only reason I was going back to school, but I still wasn't getting any better. Five months after leaving the hospital and my mind was blank of all memories from before my waking. Then there were my blackouts which had become less frequent as September approached, but were still frightening when they did. Sometimes they were so bad, so long and deep, that when I woke I didn't even know how to speak anymore.

How would I survive a year away at school without mum and Dorea constantly watching over me? I hadn't a clue, I only knew that I needed to go because I desperately wanted to. It was like part of me was certain I'd find a cure within castle grounds, and if not a cure at least recover some of my old memories.

I remember every detail of that first of September. Everything flickers vividly in my mind with the brightest of clarity even as the years continue to pass. The entire day, I recall, had felt like something in a dream. It was as if I were uncertain of whether or not I was completely awake.

The clouds above King's Cross station were painted into the sky with watercolors. They were pale and blurry, though that could have been caused by the sun shining brightly in my eyes. Once inside the station we navigated through the bustling masses with ease as though we were all part of some well rehearsed dance but not fully aware of the fact. I was the very same thing on the platform until in a very cinematic fashion the clouds parted to reveal a handsome and quite tall bloke with a head full of elegantly disheveled black hair waiting for me with a huge grin tugging at his lips.

Despite the fact that I had seen Sirius practically every day since coming home from the hospital, I ran into his arms seeking something I was so familiar with that it would rid me of the annoying trance-like state I was in. I wanted everything about that day to feel as real as possible and if anyone could do the trick, it was Sirius.

I nuzzled my face into his chest as he picked me up and spun me around. Everyone watched us. Everyone whispered about my return. I felt about a hundred pairs of eyes on me but tried to ignore them. Once back on my feet, I breathlessly smiled up at him as he bent down, pressing a feather-light kiss against my cheek. This was the happiest I had felt in months, especially after reading month after month about the escalating number of attacks all over the country in _the Prophet_.

"Nice to see you again, Sirius," greeted mum with a smile.

"Always a pleasure, Ophelia," he said, giving a slight bow. The train blew its first whistle. "Better get going. James is already on board, he's saved us a compartment."

As we begun to walk away mum grasped my hand pulling me into a tight embrace. "Melody, you don't have to do this," she whispered into my hair, her voice laced with such desperation it made me crumble. When she pulled away her eyes were wide, panicked and glistening with tears. "You can stay at home with me and Pete. You could go into town with Keri on the weekends, make some new friends, just until you get better."

I sighed, tucking a loose strand of pink hair behind my ear. It was the cleanest it had been in ages. Sure, I was happy that day but, really, after leaving the hospital I fell into a deep state of depression that made me want to do nothing but sit around doing nothing all day. I hardly ever showered, I didn't eat, for weeks I didn't even speak or leave my room. There was even a brief period when Pete and mum got rid of anything that could be construed as dangerous to keep me from killing myself. I was happy that day, but that didn't mean I would always be. Even at school, I knew I'd have my dark days because I couldn't help but feel as if something crucial was missing from my life. But what? I was always unsure as to what that could be. Perhaps something intangible like an idea or genuine artistic inspiration. It was frustrating.

"I'm never getting better, mum. We all know all that talk about the possibilities of a full recovery are rubbish. I'm stuck like this until I die and I'm sure I will die, if not now then eventually."

"All the more reason to—"

"—Go to school, try to start over and live a new life," I completed, readjusting my bag's strap on my shoulder. "I _want_ to go mum. Yes, I may get lost around the castle now and again, I'll probably get hurt more than once, I might forget where I am, but eventually I'll remember. I always do, don't I? And I'll have James and I'll have Sirius to help me."

I could tell she was trying really hard not to let any tears fall, but upon failing she just pulled me to her once again, hiding her face in my hair (something she wouldn't have done had I not washed it that morning). "Whatever happens—anything at all—you can always come home. Whenever you'd like, darling. You know that, don't you?"

I nodded and begun walking away back towards Sirius who waited patiently, clutching his own rucksack—the strap wrapped around his wrist.

The train blew its whistle again and my mother was resigned to let me go. "Have a good term," she sighed before sternly adding, "Absolutely no Quidditch!"

"No promises there!" I called over my shoulder. "Bye mum!"

That morning I was wearing a simple pair of denim shorts, a fitted white blouse under a red cardigan and matching shoes. My hair was tied back into a loose bun by a plain, black silk ribbon. The ribbon is key. The ribbon is what started it all.

"Run!" laughed Sirius, weaving us through the waving parents and younger siblings.

So I did, but in the process of ducking under a particularly plump blond woman my bun was elbowed undone, sending the ribbon flying in my opposite direction. As I continued to run I turned every so often to follow its general trajectory until I was on the first step. At that very moment a hand stuck out of a window from the Prefects' carriage followed by a boy's head. My hair was whipping wildly over my face but I felt him staring at me, and I stared back long enough to make out his facial features. I let out a small gasp not loud enough to reach Sirius, who was tugging me aboard though I would not budge. The boy from my dreams! He was real!

"Melody, love, are you all right?"

His voice snapped me out of my daze and I spun to face him, too quickly and I stumbled up the last two steps. Luckily, his arms were outstretched and caught me before my face hit the carpeted floor. "Yes," I breathed, nervously tucking and untucking my hair behind my ears. "I just, um—My ribbon, I lost it. Someone elbowed me in the head and it flew away."

He smiled his crooked smile and pushed some stray hairs away from my face. "You're lovely, regardless—Are you sure nothing's wrong?"

My gaze kept wandering in the direction of the Prefect's carriage even as we approached the compartment James had saved for us, or that we thought he had. When we reached it James wasn't there but a chubby boy about our age with small, watery eyes.

"Hiya, Pete!" said Sirius, falling gracefully into his seat. "Have a good summer?"

He nodded jerkily. A bit overexcited. "Spent a couple weeks in Bradford."

Sirius grinned, leaning forward clearly interested. "So things are going well with you and River, eh? Met the fam and all?"

The boy called Pete bobbed his head rapidly again. "They're cool. I'd never met Muggles before." Pete looked up at me and smiled. "Oh, hi Melody! You're looking lovely! How are you feeling?"

"I know you?" I asked, sitting beside Sirius. Both nodded. "I'm feeling better, thanks for asking. You know, my brother's name is Peter, too."

Peter was about to respond when all the sudden an inhumanly, high-pitched sound broke through the air forming three very quick squeals of 'omigosh!'

It took me several moments to recognize this girl at first, but only because her hair was cut much shorter than what it was like in the pictures in my room. She still had the small, youthful face with bright eyes and an enthusiastic, uncommonly large grin. She still wore the weaved friendship bracelet whose twin was tied around a blond girl's wrist.

"River!" I popped out of my seat to wrap my arms around her. I was absolutely thrilled I was able to place a name to a face that wasn't just James or Sirius.

"Omigosh!" she exclaimed jovially once again before beginning to jump up and down with me still in her tight embrace. "We've all missed you so much! Oh, I'm so glad you're finally back! I wasn't sure you would be coming back, I mean, you've never written back. We all thought..."

I felt my brows furrow together as I turned to Sirius. "Didn't you tell anyone I was fine? Or did everyone keep thinking I was going to die?"

River quickly intervened. "It's not his fault, Mel, honey, we've all been quite out of touch these past few months. Everything being so hectic, so dangerous, it's hard to socialize when you're trying to keep safe. Especially people like me, being a muggleborn and all. I'm at the top of the hit list, innit?"

I nodded slowly, unable to help forcing my teeth down onto my lower lip. With all that was going on I had to constantly remind myself (and my mum) that Hogwarts was the safest place I could possibly be. It was, wasn't it? All the protections that it had, all the talented witches and wizards within its walls including Albus Dumbledore who was absolute legend. It was safer than staying at home or at the hospital. It was safer than anywhere else I could go. I suppose what had me so nervous was that after this year it would no longer provide us sanctuary, not unless we got teaching jobs.

"Oi, Riri," snickered Sirius. From the blushing on both Pete's and River's cheeks I assumed this was a pet name of sorts, "You wouldn't know were Prongs is, would ya?"

Her mouth opened and clothed making her look very much like a fish without water before she completely exploded with laughter. "You've got to be bloomin' joking! You really don't know? Pft... some best mate you have!" Sirius merely continued staring at her. "You two bloody live together and he never even thought to tell you he's Head Boy?"

"What?!" he and I let out simultaneously.

"But how is that possible? He was never a Prefect," I continued.

Peter shrugged.

"True story," she chirped with a grin, jiving a quick nod. "He and Lily. Romantic, innit? I mean, what with them getting together over the summer."

Another unisonous "What?!"

"Sneaky bastard!" chuckled Sirius after a couple of seconds of shocked silence, clearly astonished as I was about this charming development.

I remembered Lily. Even if she weren't my best friend I don't think forgetting her would have been possible when James brought her up in conversation every chance he got. The way I saw it, from his obsessing and from her gushy letters it was about bloody time something happened. It explained a lot.

"All those trips up to Manchester," muttered Sirius beneath his breath, shaking his head both amused and reverent. "Never suspected a thing, did we?"

I gave a half shrug. "I hope it lasts. I've always thought they'd make a lovely couple."

_Never had I felt such horror or pain. It is something one could not imagine until the finally live it, though I would not wish it on anyone. That morning I woke, as always, with no recollection of what I had done throughout the night, though from the moment I opened my eyes knew something was wrong. I was not locked up in the cellar. I was nowhere near by the looks of it and as the heaviness of sleep quickly left me my surroundings became all the more familiar._

_My blood ran cold; I knew _exactly_ where I was._

_There was the lake and across from it the little cottage where we had spent so many of our summer holidays back in our school days. This was the place were we had first made love. This was the place where I was turned. This was the place where she promised to never leave me. This was the place where I killed her._

_Virginia's mangled corpse lay about a yard or so from where I woke. It was so torn apart no one would possibly be able to identify her but I knew it was her, just as I was the one who had murdered her._

_For what felt like an eternity I held her limp, bloodied form in my arms and sobbed, cursing my fate. I murmured to her as if in hopes that my words could miraculously _

_I knew I would have to leave, create a new life and never look back. It was what I should have done those three years ago when I was first infected, but it was my selfishness and my love for Virginia that kept me. _

_She had had no family left and all our school friends had lost touch. No one would ask questions. No one would come looking for her. None of that made it any easier. To this day getting rid of her remains has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The flames, the smell, they haunt me in my sleep..._

I tried to hide my tears from the others by holding up the book up in front of my face but Lily who was now sitting next to me (she and James had joined us about an hour after we pulled out of King's Cross station) began to comfort me, pulling out a tissue from her jumper's pocket.

"You're at Chapter 5, aren't you?" she asked sympathetically. "Virginia?"

I nodded, roughly wiping my nose with my sleeve.

Lily had read _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ before and knew just what a poignant piece of writing it was. She went on to explain to me how she cried for hours upon her first reading, unable to imagine what it must have been like for the anonymous narrator who recounted even the most minor of events with such rich detail you often forgot you were reading a book and would sooner think you had fallen into someone's memory.

"It's just so sad," I sniffled. "How can people think so poorly of them? It's not their fault! Our very government is against them! The registry! It's completely unfair."

River had moved to my other side and mirrored Lily by wrapping an arm around me, taking my hand in hers.

"Why are you reading that anyway?" asked Sirius. It may have just been my blurred vision but I could have sworn he looked nervous as he asked me this. He sounded slightly nervous as well. "It upsets you, and you very well know distress might trigger another blackout."

He made to take the book away from me but I yanked it away from his grasp before his fingers were even able to graze the cover.

"I haven't in at least three weeks, Sirius," I snapped sharply. "I bloody know I'm sick, you needn't remind me every sodding minute of every sodding day. If you all keep babying me I won't even have the hope of getting better; you wouldn't be letting me, so stop. I don't need any of this crap before we even reach the castle!"

I felt Lily's fingers running through my hair. I turned to look at her to see that she looked frightened, though her sadness was greater. With watery eyes I mouthed my apology and she nodded.

"Hows about a stroll about the train?" River suggested softly. "Just us girls?"

"That sounds lovely," I replied, "thank you."

It wasn't the most relaxing or quiet walks one could have with all the hullabaloo, what with the confused, anxious first years and the higher years tormenting them for fun, but it was better than staying in the compartment. I found that hearing them talk about their summer holidays really helped stimulate my mind. Sometimes one or the other would mention something—anything, really—that would chip away at a bit of the metaphorical wall which kept me from being my old self again. It made me feel as though I had made the right choice in going back to school.

I quickly assessed that River was the cutest thing I had ever come across, not merely because of her cartoonish looks but also her bubbly persona. She just didn't have an off switch, that girl, gushing on and on about her boyfriend, Peter Pettigrew a.k.a. the pudgy boy from our compartment. Absolutely adorable! Lily, I knew, had to be my best friend. I don't know what it was about her that just let me know but I think it was everything; the way she spoke to me in comparison to how she did to others, including River; the way she cared for me almost like I was her sister—very reminiscent of James and Sirius. It was lovely.

"And I told him I wouldn't give in that easily, but you know James and he—"

Lily's anecdote was cut of by yet another of River's high pitched omigosh's, only this time she hopped a few paces forward flailing her arms wildly, something like a deranged octopus or squid might, until wrapping them around the neck of the blond girl from the pictures in my room.

They engaged in collective squealing and bouncing which put huge grins on the younger boys in nearby compartments since they were both wearing impossibly short and billowy skirts. Lily and I merely laughed at the sight, that is until I caught sight of the girl standing awkwardly behind them with arms crossed over her chest.

"Omigosh!" I squeaked. "Good heavens it's contagious" Lily snorted at my remark.

I ran over to the girl and wrapped my arms around the girl who did not hug back but merely stood with arms at her sides, waiting for it to be over. When I pulled away she looked terribly confused and uncomfortable. "Mary!" I grinned. "Why haven't I seen you until now? Keri's always asking about you. We've missed you."

"Um, thanks, I guess."

"Hi, Mel," said the blond girl with a small wave. "Have a good summer? Mary and I—well, our families—spent holidays abroad. We went to Greece, all of us."

"Oh." I couldn't help the urge to hug Mary again. It felt like I hadn't seen her in eons and she had always been one of my dearest and closest friends and Keri had, in fact, asked of her often. "Promise you'll tell me all about it?"

"Sure...um...yeah, of course," she said, completely flabbergasted, "but later, yeah, Hazel and I were—need to check up on Davs."

"David, of course! How is he?"

"Great, David's great, Mel." Mary had the same habit I did of tucking and untucking her hair behind her ear when she was nervous or uncomfortable which I thought was peculiar. One of us must have picked it up from the other though I couldn't remember which. She gave my shoulder a light pat and added, "Let's have a chat after the feast, yeah?"

"Perfect! See you then."

She nodded and she and Hazel walked away. Before they were out of ear's reach I heard Hazel ask "What was that about?" to which Mary responded with a small shrug, turning back to look at me with a puzzled look.

"She's different," I noted.

River nodded. "Well, yeah, you two haven't talked in ages. Weird that you remember her."

"Why wouldn't I? She was one of my first friends, we used to play together when we were little," I explained. "But why wouldn't we talk? Did we get into a fight? Are we not friends anymore?"

"No, no, it's not that," Lily assured me, shaking her head, "But it's...complicated. I wouldn't know how to explain it to you."

I knew not to persist so I let it go regardless of how distressed I was that things between Mary and I could be in trouble. Losing Mary was on part to losing James. I hadn't a clue what I'd do without her. She who I had confided all of my secrets practically from the moment we could both speak, she who I'd easily give my life to protect. How could things be so different?

It seemed that while we were having our little reunion the train had gotten closer to the school, so close that we were almost there which explained why the corridor suddenly seemed saturated with students queuing for the bathroom to change into their robes.

"I'm not waiting in this mess," huffed River, "let's just go into one of the empty compartments and lock the door. No one will see us with the blind down. Besides, it's not like I've never seen either of you two naked."

I shrugged. "Fine by me."

"Whatever," sighed Lily.

And we weaved through the pushers and shovers to the nearest compartment until my shoe slipped off and I fell face first onto the floor, pulling someone down with me.

"Sorry," the boy apologized after he got up and dusted himself off, handing me my shoe.

As I slipped it back on, I took the hand he was offering me and looked up to thank him, but I got a good look at him. The amber eyes...the shaggy hair..the scars...

"Bloody hell."

And with that came my first blackout of the school year.


	20. Oh My God

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Harry Potter, Inception, Buffy, the Mighty Boosh or Torchwood all of which have part in/are briefly mentioned within this chapter. Sadly, just my OCs and the situations I put them in are mine. Sigh.

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_Find a cure for my life_

_Oh my God_

_Oh, you think I'm in control_

_Oh My God_

_oh, you think it's all for fun_

—Ida Maria, _Oh My God_

**Chapter 20: Oh My God**

Maybe it was just because Remus and I had gone to see _Inception_ at the cinema the previous week but I found myself wondering if my entire life had been one wearisome dream. I hadn't really left the house, save for the cinema trip, since waking back up in the relative future and spent my days going through my box sets of _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ in Remus's flat while he manned the shop below. Because of this I also began to wonder if my life wasn't also like that one episode where Buffy's in a mental hospital and they're all trying to convince her she was never a Slayer and never had a sister...but even that hadn't been real, had it? The whole mental hospital thing had been a hallucination induced by this random monster's poison. I was just angry and frustrated by the lack of stability in my life, I guess, but weaving these theories based off of films and television made me feel I was going more insane than I initially was. Remus didn't seem to think so, and mum and Pete had grown used to my odd behavior ever since my black outs landed me in the hospital that one time several months back.

I quickly grew tired of _Buffy_ and begun rummaging through Remus's dvd collection (which was extremely extensive considering how little time he'd been in this time period) and was surprised by what I found at the very top shelf.

I popped on the dvd and skipped over to the kitchen to make myself some popcorn, knowing that Remus's shift would soon be over and he'd want a light snack before dinner as usual.

Though I lazed about the majority of the day I had enough common sense to change out of my pajamas and tidy up a bit before moving on to my all-day couch potato fest, mostly because I was already self-conscious about myself without adding bed head and an uneven skin tone to the equation.

"_Crimpity Crimpity, now, now, now, crimpity crimpity, ask me how..._" I sang along softly before I felt a pair of lips pressed against the base of my neck and fell onto the ground in a fright, spilling the popcorn and my creme soda all over the floor.

Meanwhile my boyfriend of the relative future a.k.a Remus/Tristan was doubled over with laughter.

"Prick," I muttered grumpily, getting down on hands and knees to clean up. "What'd you do that for? I just mopped this morning!"

He laughed, tilting his head to the side. "How else would I get to enjoy this rare view?"

I rolled my eyes. "Keep staring at my bum, Lupin, and I'll break your face."

Of course, knowing my threat was an empty one it only made him laugh even harder, though he was at least nice enough to help me clean up the mess he was completely responsible for.

"_The Mighty Boosh_?" I inquired once we were done, clicking through episode selection to my favorite: _Old Gregg_.

He shrugged, nonchalantly falling into the spot beside me. "It's oddly endearing in it's mindlessness. I know the lads would think it's a laugh."

"Yeah, they would," I agreed, resting my head on his shoulder. "Hey, Remus, you wouldn't by any chance know when I'll be falling back down the metaphorical rabbit hole, would you?"

He thought for a second as if calculating the time I had spent with him up to that point then nodded. "Wednesday or thereabouts."

Two days then.

That was all it took for the light and fluffy atmosphere to take a turn. We sat awkwardly for a very long while until the sound of the lock jingling broke the silence. I turned around in time to see the door swing open and a blonde woman in her early fifties enter the flat, suitcase in hand. She looked extremely familiar but I just couldn't remember who she was until I caught a glimpse of her eyes, the same eyes that I loved so much; her son's eyes.

Holy shit!

"Mrs. Lupin?" I inquired, the disbelief evident in my voice.

She smiled and walked over to wrap her tweed clad arms around me. Remus had her smile, too. I had never realized how much he looked like her, but that was probably because I seldom saw her while she lived...and yet, here she was very much alive.

"It's nice to see you again, Melody," she sighed contentedly. "It would have been sooner but unfortunately I've been out of town every one of your shifts."

I could have asked her a number of things like why or how she was alive and yet what I asked her was, "You're Italian?" remembering what Tristan had told me the first day we met and he sold me the time-turner.

"No, but my grandmother was," she chuckled. "And Tristan Reinhardt was my brother, in case you were wondering."

"You're alive!" I squeaked.

"Took her long enough, didn't it?"

I shot Remus a dirty look but he snickered.

"Remus, show Melody her journal."

Remus's room was just as well-stocked with books as the living room was with films but my journal was not hidden within the books as I had thought in the beginning when I went sneaking through his stuff looking for it. And, what do you know, it was hidden in the _Torchwood: Children of Earth_ box, right next to the season two Mighty Boosh box I'd pulled out.

He flipped to the middle and handed it to me, but not before warning: "This happens in that future but given the fact that you're reading it now, it might not. I'm not actually sure anymore."

As I read it it was as if I was watching it all unfold before my eyes, as if I were actually living it.

_"You're studying to be an Auror, is that correct?" asked Dumbledore_

_Playing nervously with the sleeves of my shirt, I nodded. "I'd go out for a teaching job if the Defense Against the Dark Arts slot wasn't jinxed. Besides, I think I'd be rather suited for that position once I've gotten some actual experience in the field."_

_"And you Mr. Lupin?"_

_Remus looked up at our Headmaster morosely and I gave his hand a reaffirming squeeze though I could feel a frown of my own forming. "My condition is now on Ministry records, I doubt anyone would want to hire someone such as myself."_

_"I know he'd make a fantastic teacher," I said, a smile instantaneously replacing the frown. "I've seen it...well, I've_ read _it, but—you understand, don't you, sir?_ My _condition—I'm not a Seer after all?"_

_"So it seems," Dumbledore replied. "You've heard of the Department of Mysteries, certainly?" Remus and I nodded. Remus was staring at me as I dug through my thoughts, trying to blur the line of my memories of this world and the other. This took a lot of effort on my part but it made me feel like I had been living one life rather than two simultaneously and also it made it much easier to put the pieces of what Dumbledore was saying together._

_"They—the Unspeakables—You think they might know what this is?" I asked, my eyes widening in disbelief until understanding suddenly washed over me and I begun to freak out. "In Physics...some believe in the possibility of alternate universes; a number of different universes similar to that which we already know. If this is indeed true, then this world is in some way parallel to the other which would explain...It would explain..."_

_"Your and Mrs. Lupin's so-called condition," Dumbledore completed._

_"Then why did she die?" asked Remus, the pain and desperation clear in his tone._

_"She didn't," I whispered, letting go of his hand before letting out a shrill exclamation of excitement which not only startled Remus but made Dumbledore jump a little in his seat as well. "Don't you see? If alternate universes indeed exist then so must alternate versions of ourselves. In my world you two, this school, this entire world exist only within the pages of books but your mum and I don't. We have no counterparts and thus belong in both, but since it is not possible to truly exist in two places at once we shift from one to the other!" I was out of breath by the end of it, grinning and feeling quite proud of myself for being able to figure out something so complicated out all by myself so quickly. Of course, having Remus gawk at me in disbelief made me feel more than a little self-conscious and so I bit my lip and turned back to Dumbledore. "Is that it?"_

_"It is quite possible," he said with a slight nod. "I wouldn't know how it all works, mind, as I am not an Unspeakable."_

_"The science of it all seems a bit crap, I'll admit, but it's the most logical thing I could think of, and you say the Department of Mysteries believes this?"_

_"Yes, although they do not know of the existence of anyone with this condition. I imagine it's quite rare, especially in this parallel world where we do not really exist. I have the understanding that you'll eventually have to make a choice between one or the other."_

_"So you mean to say my mother isn't dead?" asked Remus. "She simply chose the other world over this one."_

_"It is also quite possible that the world chose her, but yes," he said. "Whatever the reason remains a mystery."_

_"So what will happen when I die?" My question made Remus go rigid, I could feel it, but I was sure he had been wondering the same thing this whole time. "Do I stay alive or do I die in both?"_

_"Considering it is not your body but your soul which seems to makes each transition, it would be safe for one to assume ultimate survival, wouldn't you say? Take for instance your months of amnesia when your days were said to be numbered, I remember you telling me that you could remember absolutely everything from both worlds when you transitioned over, but not when you came back and I'm certain that had to do with all the tampering to your brain in this world. Do you understand?"_

I let out a loud gasp as if I had been holding my breath underwater for an impossibly long amount of time. Everything made sense now, but what was the point if I was only going to forget all this when I fell back into that life? It was useless to me if I would not be able to remember it. I told them all of this and Remus shook his head.

"You'll remember," he said with absolute certainty. "Perhaps not everything, but the moment you open your eyes in that world again the memories are going to start coming back. I remember seventh year vividly, it wasn't so long ago, so trust me. I'll warn you, though, it won't be as smooth a transition as your arrival last year. You will suffer and no one will be able to do anything about it."

"Suffer?" I wondered aloud. "Suffer how?"

Mrs. Lupin, leaning against the doorframe to Remus's room shot me a sympathetic smile. "It's painful, these last transitions. I recognize it, your deciding. It might not be a conscious decision but it is happening nonetheless. You will begin making less and less transitions and one body will begin to die slowly and before you know it you're only alive in one world."

"Did you choose or was the choice made for you?" I asked.

Her smile was less sympathetic now and more warm. "You made the choice for me, Melody, dear, that is as much as I can say to either of you since that is not yet in your timeline or Remus's."

"That's another thing I can't quite understand," I began, "Remus has a counterpart, how can he exist here?"

Mrs. Lupin shrugged. "That still remains a mystery, but I'd like to believe it was because he was needed here. I needed him, you needed him and others will...or rather have."

"What is that supposed to mean?" asked Remus. "Mum?"

Mrs. Lupin rose a finger to her lips. "Everything in time, love, everything in time."

Wednesday came round quicker than I would have liked. I had no idea how Remus was able to calculate my arrivals and departures but I didn't want to ask, something just felt wrong about doing so. But I was glad that he did. It gave me time to prepare myself emotionally, and it didn't come as much of a surprise.

We got up early that morning and took a bus to the cliffs upon my request. I was feeling rather sentimental and wanted nothing more than to watch a California sunrise with my temporary boyfriend, as if I was about to die or something. Or something. In a way I was. I wouldn't remember any of this once I got back. Remus and his mum, they said I'd begin to remember and that I'd suffer for those memories but they didn't say when it would begin. Would it be right away? Or would it happen eventually, before my next transition?

We sat on the big cement block which featured in a dream I had had so very long ago; the first I ever had at Hogwarts since this whole mess began, in fact. It wasn't actually a dream, but a memory. I could see us so clearly, dancing and singing in the light of passing cars. Keri's sick all over Colin's jumper whilst I wore what Robert had dubbed his 'Canadian' hat and unsuccessfully tried to flirt with him in hopes that it would make him want to shag me by the end of the night. I laughed at the memory and how desperate I was back then. Sure, I still was somewhat but only when it came to Remus, back then anyone would have sufficed, back then I was stupid enough sex with anyone was enough to make me feel whole even though I had never partaken in the act before. I was so glad I hadn't. I was so glad I had waited. I still had some waiting to do, but I knew it would be with the person I wanted.

"I wish I would have known you here," I sighed as I rested my head on his outstretched legs. "Things would have been so different in high school. Better, happier... I'm so lucky I've gotten a second chance."

"Too bad you haven't really been able to enjoy it," he said softly. "My condition, your condition, they've all kept you from being truly happy."

I got up, ready to contradict him. "Oh, but I am happy," I insisted. "You mustn't mistake frustration with unhappiness. I'm the luckiest girl in this world that I've gotten to live inside the Harry Potter series and gotten to experience your love. No one here knows what that's really like. I've flown and cast spells, I've met a werewolf and three animagi... Here, the closest any of us ever get to living that is through the books and the movies and the fan fiction and I thought that was the way it was always going to be. I wouldn't trade any of that for normalcy and monotony or even my safety, as mad as that sounds. I'm happy with all this, Remus, I really am."

"I just wish it was easier for you."

"Nothing's ever easy. Though I'd take fighting dark wizards over community college any day," I said jokingly, though deep down I really sort of meant it.

I began to feel the ghost of a tugging sensation behind my navel. "It's coming," I gasp. "I can feel it. It's almost here."

And as Remus pressed his lips against mine I could feel myself being yanked away from him into the consuming darkness.

I awoke to the sound of my own glass-shattering screams of pain at midnight, before I was even fully consciously aware I was in any pain. I'd now compare it to feeling menstrual cramps only after you've seen the blood to confirm the crimson wave has arrived. Yeah, it was a lot like that. Once I figured out that I was the lunatic screaming in the relatively empty Hospital wing at midnight did I feel the searing pain within my skull.

I screamed and screamed and screamed until Madame Pomfrey came racing over in her nightgown, asking me over and over again how I was even though I could not hear her. Hot tears poured down my face as I writhed on the bed, kicking wildly until I fell off the bed. Contact with the cool floor seemed to immediately shut of whatever it was that was causing me pain, though Madame Pomfrey clearly could not understand why.

I hyperventilated and sniveled for a couple more moments, clinging to the floor as if for dear life with my cheek pressed firmly against it as she rubbed my back and murmured unintelligible nothings until I calmed down completely.

"What happened?" she finally asked. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know," I replied honestly. "My screams woke me and then I felt this pain inside my head, almost as if my brain had been lit on fire and was being torn to shreds at the very same time. I thought I was going to black out again, but blackouts don't feel like that, they feel more like you're Apparating."

"You mean to say you remember your blackout?" she asked. "And you remember who I am?"

"Golly, Poppy, how could I ever forget you? I've been in here far more than the average student," I laughed before wincing, finally feeling the pain in my chest from falling face first. "To answer your question, I do remember but hardly anything. That's something, isn't it? I haven't shown any progress in months and then all of the sudden...BAM!...I start getting better."

She nodded slowly, hesitantly. "Let's not get our hopes up so quickly, dear. I admit, it is extraordinary progress but we mustn't assume it will continue."

"Yes, of course," I agreed, before Poppy Pomfrey did quite possibly the oddest, most out character thing I ever though her capable of doing...at least to me.

She hugged me. It wasn't one of those half-assed one-armed hugs either, it was a tight, warm embrace like those I'd receive from my mother or friends; a heartwarming hug.

"It's good to have you back, Melody."

"Oookaaay, thanks?" I giggled, immediately hitting the floor again as soon as she let me go. "I'm gonna sleep down here now, at least until I'm released."

She nodded and turned back to retire to her office.

After a very extensive check-up the next morning I was free to go. Sirius was there to meet me and walk me back to the common room, as it was Thursday and I was given a pass to miss classes until Monday despite the fact that I had been out for two and a half weeks. Not only that but I was expected to catch up with all my assignments before then which meant my weekend was completely occupied and that I'd have to take all my meals in my room if I had any hopes of getting them done.

I couldn't quite figure out why I didn't feel as comfortable as I usually did with Sirius. When he tired to hug me, I tried to slyly squirm away from him and when he leaned in to kiss me I beat him to it my kissing him on the cheek. I couldn't help but feel something was not quite right between us even though he seemed thrilled to see me up and about again, relatively healthy. I was grateful to him for helping me with my work during his free periods when he could have easily taken the time to do his own and yet his closeness to me made me really uncomfortable.

It was an internal battle, really. A very small part of me wanted to curl up into his side and snog him and giggle at every one of his jokes while another just wanted to be alone or with Lily and the girls who I missed more than anything. I tried not to think too much about why I felt this way about Sirius all of the sudden because every time I did, the head pain would threaten to resurface and I didn't want to spend my last year at school stuck in the Hospital, as kind as Pomfrey was being to me now.

"Have I missed Quidditch trials?" I asked that afternoon at dinner, having been literally dragged down to the Great Hall by River, Hazel and Sirius (who had to throw me over his shoulder after I managed to escape the other two and made a break for the stairs).

"Absolutely not," Sirius and James said sternly in unison.

"Given the circumstances I've taken over your captaincy and though trials are still a week away there's no way I'm letting you even get near a broomstick," continued Sirius.

I let my fork fall back onto its plat with a soft clatter. "I'm beginning to remember some things," I confessed. I hadn't even hinted it to any of them all day, so the collective gasp around me came as no surprise to me. "It's not much, but it means I'm getting better, and I don't know why but I'm pretty sure I won't be blacking out again for a very long time. It sounds strange, I know, but I can sort of feel that I won't."

River let out her signature squeak and leaned across the table to hug me, soiling her clothes with our dinner in the process.

"Are you quite certain?" asked Lily.

"I am," I was honest in saying this. "It's almost like I can remember this conversation. It might have been in a dream but it feels more like a memory, and in it I'm told that I will be getting better but that it will be a painful process—that explains my fit at night—but the point is that I'm finally getting better."

"That's fantastic, Mel, it really is," said Hazel with her huge, model-esque smile.

"Yeah, fantastic," grumbled Sirius, not bothering to conceal the sarcasm of his statement.

I turned to him, frowning. "You don't sound too happy for me. I thought you would be happy just like everyone else is."

"I would be if you weren't in pain."

"But I'm not—"

"You will be, you just said so yourself," he snapped. "That doesn't sound like 'getting better' to me, it sounds like you're getting worse. Trading your health for a couple of old memories, are you mad?"

I was furious, so much that I didn't care everyone around us was listening in. "'A couple of old memories?' You bastard! Those memories happen to be part of who I am! My childhood, my family and friends...you rather I forget everything about myself but you and James forever? I said it would be a painful process, not that it wouldn't end. I may not know when that end is exactly but I'm sure it will."

"With your death, surely."

I felt nothing but immense satisfaction when my hand met his cheek, living a bright red mark that would surely swell and maybe bruise. "Go to hell, Sirius."

And with that I ran out of the Great Hall, rounding the corner to the bathroom all the way down the corridor, but I didn't even make it inside. Instead I collapsed at its entrance, holding on to the wall like I would to a person I was hugging.

"Hey," I heard a small voice say, "It's going to be okay."

It was Mary. I knew her voice so well after so many years of knowing her, even better than Lily's. I knew she had bent down to join me because I felt her pulling me to her chest. she rocked me back and forth the way my mother would when I had one of my woe-is-me-the-world-is-rubbish moments which in the past year she had become all too familiar with.

"I've been a crap friend to you all these years, Melody," she sighed.

"Only because I was a bitch to you first," I muttered against her arm.

She laughed. "That's no excuse. It was my responsibility to slap some sense in you, not just ignore you. I can't help feeling like all this is my fault."

"What do you mean? How could any of this be your fault?"

There was a pregnant pause before she sighed again, her breathing was now erratic and I could feel her tears running down the back of my neck. "It is everything is my fault for being so stupid, so jealous of James and the rest of that lot."

I pulled away from her, wiping my eyes to get a better look at her. I didn't think I had ever seen Mary so weak ever before. "I still don't understand."

"It's my fault, Melody!" she growled shakily. "It's my fault you can't remember. Your dad, he never would have done all those memory charms on you if I wouldn't have told him about your blackouts, your parents would never have fought if I hadn't told him, but I didn't know! I didn't know what would happen and I certainly didn't know your mother was keeping your condition a secret from him! I don't know why I did it, I guess I just wanted to be your only best friend and whenever you'd snap back to reality you'd tell me these stories about all these people—At first I thought you were making them up but then... And Remus. Oh, Melody, I'm so, so sorry. Your mum might claim otherwise but never would have known what he was if I hadn't have told her. I mean, when you told me I went bonkers, I couldn't believe you were ditching me for someone like him and I was angry and thought that if I told your mum she wouldn't let the two of you be friends anymore. It's why she hates him so much. Poor Remus. Poor you. I' so, so, so sorry. Please believe me."

Remus... Remus... Remus...

Who was this Remus bloke she spoke of?

Oh!

I remembered, and then everything she said suddenly had significance and I had no idea whether I should have felt furious for what she had done or glad that she was trying to make amends when all the while I felt I was to blame for our distance.

"It was you?"

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**A/N:** Thanks for reading! And thanks to new Melody fans for favorite-ing this fics!


	21. Bittersweet Symphony

**Chapter 21: Bittersweet Symphony**

My question hung in the air for what felt like an eternity as I waited for Mary's response, staring at her distressed and tearstained face. Her breathing was rapid, hysteric. Her eyes wide, pleading for forgiveness as she choked on her own sobs in a desperate attempt to calm herself down. All the while as I stared at her I went through the moments her confession had brought back to my consciousness. I saw the horrid way my mum and dad used to fight; her desperation and his rage, which I had always though was spawned from mum's infidelity and lack of pureblood beliefs. Well, I suppose it was all that as well, but I reckon so many secrets drove dad madder than he initially was.

I remembered the way mum would treat this Remus Lupin boy differently from the way she treated the others—not enough for most to really notice but enough for me and him—when everyone came round towards the end of holidays before our fourth year. I could recall so clearly how she had served him practically raw meat while the rest of ours were nearly burnt to as crisp.

Remus...

I wish I knew more about him, could remember him, or even know where he was. He seemed like such a good friend and yet I never saw or heard from him while I was away trying to get better. No letters. No visits. And when we ran into each other on the train he was more like a kind stranger that was just trying to be polite by helping me up off the ground. But why then had he been the star of all those dreams of mine? Could they have truly been memories or was it just wishful thinking? Despite Sirius's obvious good looks there was no doubt I felt something for Remus. Could that have been the reason for his distance, or was it his condition?

So many thoughts and questions knocking about my head were giving me a migraine. Frustratedly I grabbed Mary by the shoulders, shaking her roughly.

"Answer me," I pleaded.

She only nodded, unable to string together an intelligible sentence, and buried her face in her hands as if this were her own form of apology.

"M-Mary, I don't kn—I guess I..." I paused, letting out an exasperated growl. I had no clue what to say her. I couldn't tell her it was all right because it wasn't bloody all right at all. I couldn't say sorry because she was the apologizing here, and abandoning her was totally out of the question. Whether she still was or not, I remembered Mary Anne Macdonald to be one of my best and closest friends.

"I'm glad you told me, Mary, really, but what's done id done, yeah?" I sighed, rubbing my temples with my index and middle fingers. "At least now I know, right?"

This seemed to only further distress her, her eyes enlarging to what I would have thought was an impossible size, their dull greenish-blue color blurring with a fresh onslaught of tears. "I... I... I'm so s-s-s-sooorrry," she whined croakily, pathetically. "Ab-about e-e-everyth-th-thing."

Though I was thoroughly repulsed by the action I said nothing as she blew her nose on my stripped lime green and canary yellow cashmere jumper even though it was my favorite jumper in my entire wardrobe. I would later mourn it, but at that moment Mary was my only priority. Poor, pathetic, sniveling Mary who I—we're I of a crueler disposition—could easily say had single-handedly devised the disintegration of my health, sanity, and happiness.

I was relieved to discover upon waking the next day that things had fallen back to our regular awkward silence between the two of us which I supposed was best, all things considered. I don't know what I would have done if Mary had felt the need to start our conversation where we had left off. Explode, most likely, and no one needed my particularly mad brand of drama just then, not that they ever did, really. As for Sirius, well, I was ignoring the bloody bastard altogether, not that he was making any real effort to make amends. The very least he could have done was take back everything he said but it didn't look like that was going to happen either. I kept to myself mostly, not wanting of River, Hazel, or even Lily's company. Though worried about me they didn't seem to mind my opting not to tag along since they, all of them, now had boyfriends to better preoccupy their time with. I was seriously considering ditching mine, to be fair.

Despite the constant migraines I experienced throughout the morning, my rage, desperation, and self-induced solitude, I found that all of these factors actually contributed to my productivity, surprisingly enough, which meant I'd be with my make-up assignments far sooner than anticipated. Sat there in the middle of the common room it was rather amusing watching the shocked and often envious looks my fellow Gryffies shot me as I worked away, writing my fourteen-inch roll of parchment for History of Magic in my impossibly tiny handwriting. The only downside was that by the end of it I wasn't so sure I'd be able to move my right hand ever again. Luckily, my wand and 'Beating' hand was my left, meaning I could still curse bits of my insensitive boyfriend's anatomy off or smack a Bludger at his fat head if I so pleased.

Approaching the lunch hour I began to grow tired of my monotonous surroundings, feeling asphyxiated by the dim-lighting and lack of fresh air, and decided it was a good idea to rest for a while, maybe take a stroll around the lake, before getting back to my work. I knew that if I did this, I probably wouldn't be back in time to eat, but having had a large breakfast I was sure I'd be able to hold out until dinner. So I gathered my things, carefully stuffing them into my rucksack just in case if I decided to do the rest of my work outside, and headed out.

As I rounded the corner into the entrance hall, I impulsively snuck to hide behind a pillar having accidentally eavesdropped on a couple's heated row. I could have easily passed by and pretended not to notice them (that's what normal people do all the time, isn't it?) but I didn't. I was nosy and wanted to know what it was all about.

"—Suffocating you? We hardly ever see each other anymore!"

"How can you be so inconsiderate! I have my O.W.L.s to worry about this year! It can't be all fun and frolic like it was last term!"

"What does that have to do with it? I have N.E.W.T.s which, as you're very well aware, are significantly worse that O.W.L.s. God, Stella, why in the bloody hell do you think I'm asking you so many weeks in advance!"

"Don't think I don't appreciate the thought, love, but school must come first, you know that."

I was sorely tempted to sneak a peek at this couple whose row I was finding much more entertaining that I should have. So much so that I was almost to the point of fainting from holding back my laughter for so long. I was starting to feel terribly lightheaded and though I was thoroughly enjoying this I begun hoping it would end soon. I so badly wanted to peek, but I remained with my back to the wall and my ear perked.

"Yeah, all right," said the bloke sounding both tired and peevish, "guess we're done then. Can't have me getting in the way of your studies, can we, Stella, darling?"

I could just picture her with her hans crossly on her hips, tapping her foot impatiently. "You're being completely immature, Remus Lupin!" Stella huffed loudly, a small clack following shortly after, presumably the heel of her shoe after a cliché foot-stomp.

"Thought that's what you liked about me?" I could totally hear the grin in his tone; that James-esque grin that James shoots at you when he knows he's being a git but is trying to come off as irresistibly endearing and charming to get away with whatever idiotic scheme is currently up his sleeve.

Stella let out what sounded something between a growl and a snort and snapped, "I'm going to the library!" before storming away.

Her long, blond hair whipped my face as she passed me (now out from behind my pillar) and I thought she had not seen me standing there, but apparently my own vibrant locks had not escaped her notice. She turned sharply on her strappy patent-leather heels to glare at me, her face flushed with which could only be coined psycho-Ravenclaw rage.

"I haven't a clue how _you_ did it," she sneered, looking me up and down,clearly unimpressed. Her inflection on the 'you' had not escaped me and I found myself feeling thoroughly offended despite not having the slightest clue what she was on about. With an exaggerated flip of her hair she added, "You can have him. He's all yours. Congratu-bloody-lations!"

"Ooookaaay," I said, watching her click clack away toward the library. Had the girl taken a hand-full of crazy pills that morning or was the stress of fifth year finally getting to her?

Turning back towards the entrance hall I saw Stella's boyfriend—now ex, surely—was still there, pacing whilst murmuring to himself.

Remus Lupin.

Remus John Lupin.

I had to pass him on my way out so it wasn't like I could just ignore him...well, I could, I guess, but that was impolite, wasn't it? But what was I supposed to call him? Remus? Or Moony, as I had heard James call him on several occasions? No, somehow those options seemed much too informal and I wasn't completely sure what our dynamic was just yet, I only knew that my stomach did these weird little flips whenever I saw him.

I stayed there frozen, watching him for the longest time until I saw him turn to leave. It snapped me out of the daze I had unknowingly fallen into, and all I knew in that moment was that I couldn't let him go. I didn't know why. There was this urge to talk to him, almost as if were really important that I did, and I couldn't let him go without doing which was why I chose to run down the scarcely populated corridor to him.

"Lupin!" I called, afraid I would miss him.

At the sound of my voice he came to an immediate stop on the threshold and turned around. I tried to stop but had already gained momentum and ended up skidding to a stop, nearly knocking him to the ground as he reached out to try to steady me. As I brushed my fringe away from my face I noticed he seemed extremely surprised to see me there in his arms, but also glad, which was great.

"Corden," he greeted. The sound of my surname on his lips made me cringe. Something about the way it sounded coming from him felt inexplicably wrong and made me feel awkward, like I was talking to a teacher. It left me feeling cold.

"Are you all right?" I asked breathlessly though genuinely concerned.

He didn't seem to understand at first but then understanding dawned on him and replied, "Oh, yeah, that was nothing. We always have these stupid little rows over nothing. Stella's usually the one to start them, but... It gets tedious doing this all the time."

I knew I shouldn't but I couldn't help asking, "Then why are you with her?"

He laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Honestly, I don't even know why we're together anymore," he replied with a shrug, to which I gave a jerky nod. "So where are you headed?"

"Oh, um, just out to the lake. I need to finish my Defense Against the Dark Arts paper but it's turning out to be a complete pain in the arse."

He chuckled. "Is that all you've got left?" I nodded and he gave and low, impressed whistle. "I've already written mine, I could help you with yours if you'd like?"

"Yeah, all right. Thanks!" I said far too brightly.

Walking together gave me the strangest feeling, like I had lived this very series of events many times before which, though completely possible, I found rather unlikely. Even if I had once invited Remus Lupin into my home, he and I could not have been very close. We couldn't be close when I didn't have a single picture of him in our entire house and no one mentioned him when we touched on the subject of my past. I never got a single letter, a single visit, and he didn't act as if we were very close, either. I could understand why he would make Mary so jealous she would go to such extreme measures just to keep him away. Remus didn't seem that interested in me anyway, as a friend or anything else, he would have sought me out were that the case and he never did. Every time we've come across each other has been coincidentally, not intentionally.

"So a Patronus only works against a Bogart if it happens to take the form of a Dementor?"

Remus grinned and nodded. "Exactly! You've got it."

I smiled back, constantly brushing my hair away from my face as the wind begun blowing it all around with much more force that it had been doing for the past half hour. Funnily enough I didn't notice I was cold until I saw the gooseflesh all over my arms and legs.

Without saying a word Remus shrugged of his cardigan and draped it over my shoulders, the threadbare wool immediately enveloping me in its delicious warmth. With my legs tucked beneath me the cardigan covered me entirely, but I still wrapped my arms around my middle as I surreptitiously took deep breaths of the peculiar scent of chocolate and fresh parchment which lingered in its fibers. It was very familiar comforting, the scent, almost as much as that of my own home. It made me feel safe, if that makes any sense at all. The situation in general held a looming sense of familiarity which, though it pestered me not knowing why exactly it felt this way, had me more relaxed than I had been in ages.

A little like déjà vu.

"Everything fine?" he asked after I said nothing.

I nodded. "Yeah, of course, but I'm still not clear as to how to produce a Patronus."

"Oh, it's quite simple actually," he began, turning around to face be completely. Our knees were touching and though the skin was blocked by the thin layer of cloth of his trousers the contact sent a sort of electric pulse up and down my spine, gooseflesh erupting over my skin all over my skin again. I found I couldn't look him in the eye when he was so close. From what I could see of his face he seemed very enthusiastic about the subject. "All you've got to do is think of a memory, the happiest memory you can think of. Dementors can't stand it."

I remained silent, pensive. I'm sure to Remus I must have seemed sad because he asked me if anything was wrong to which I replied, "I haven't got many memories to choose from, especially happy ones. I'm sure you know all about me by now. The mad girl, they call me when they think I can't hear. They all think Dumbledore's off his rocker for letting me come back."

"I don't think that," he said, his voice soft and tender.

I made the mistake of looking up at him when he spoke. The way he was looking at me made the situation feel much more intimate than it probably should have been. He was close enough to me that I could see the gold and dark red flecks in his eyes. There was something undeniably hypnotizing about them, luring me towards him. Unable to stop, unable to look away.

"Who are you, Remus Lupin?" I breathed, acutely aware of the minimal distance between out lips. I didn't even fight the urge to reach out and touch him to make sure this wasn't another of my dreams. Real. It was real, and his hair felt surprisingly soft between my curious fingers which lingered for a moment before slowly moving to brush over his eyelashes, the freckle just under his eye, his cheek, finally tracing over his chapped lips.

Real! I was real! So real in fact that it almost made me want to cry. Who was he? More importantly, _what_ was he to me that stirred up such thrilling yet foreign emotions in me? Could it possibly be love? Did I love this boy whose breath had slowed and eyes fluttered shit at the feeling of my fingertips on his skin? Did I look at him the way Sirius had always looked at me? With awe and wonder and a bit of resentment? Enviously. Admiringly. Desiring...

He took my hand in his, gently leading it down to his chest where he kept hold of it. His hand was warm and as he pressed himself against me I could not tell his heartbeat from my own, both beating so fast it was frightening. I don't know what it was about this but suddenly images begun flickering rapidly through my mind. A blue box, like a phone box but different. Aliens and planets, stars and constellations. A blue box...and a song; just a rhythmic beating of drums. Ba ba ba bomp. Ba ba ba bomp. Ba ba ba bomp... It all came from a television programme, didn't it?

It made me laugh, and my laugh made Remus smile widely. Before I had time to think about much of anything, his free hand was at the back of my neck and he pulled me roughly to him. Despite the discomfort of our awkward position—legs tucked beneath me, Remus on his knees—the kiss was the loveliest, sweetest kiss I could remember. Remus was not selfish and seemed to know exactly what I wanted from him. His hands were exactly where I liked them, he applied just the right amount of pressure unlike Sirius who always immediately shoved his tongue down my throat, and I didn't even mind how scratchy his chapped lips felt against my perfectly moisturized ones. Something about this kiss just felt so utterly..._right_, like we were somehow molded to each other; meant to do this with one another. Corresponding puzzle pieces, no force required. As easy as breathing.

I suddenly found myself if he felt the same. This contact, did it give him a thrill? Did something start fluttering behind his ribcage? Was there a delicious warmth in the pit of his stomach which quickly spread to every corner of his body? The general euphoria and giddiness this sort of contact produced, did he feel it the way I felt it?

When we finally pulled apart I allowed myself to fall limply onto the grass on my side, peeking through my windswept hair to look at the puffy clouds above as I tried to steady my breathing. The sun tickled patches of skin all across my legs and Remus still hadn't let go of my hand, idly tracing circles with the pad of his thumb.

"Did that make a good enough memory for you?" he chuckled breathlessly.

I turned to look at him, grinning widely. If I smiled any more than I had the past half hour I'd surely explode. I could not think of any day since I left the hospital when I had felt this genuinely happy.

This was what love was meant to feel like, I thought to myself. That's what this was, wasn't it? I was in love with him, and despite the kiss I had no way of knowing if he felt the same. I was too scared, too embarrassed to ask and I knew loving him would hurt me more than my unstable health ever could. Nothing was there to suggest it but I knew it would be complicated, very complicated.

He was laying beside me then, and I had shuffled over to rest my head on his chest. I didn't care if anyone saw us this was, even if I was still technically Sirius's girlfriend. I was happy, truly happy, and had to enjoy the sensation while it lasted knowing that in my life these moments were fleeting.

"We've done this before." I had meant it to come out as a question but it sounded terribly matter-of-fact. I didn't think he would have such trouble answering me.

"It's not—I shouldn't have done this," he said suddenly sounding very guilty and contrite. "I promised her—I promised _myself_—I'd stay away but somehow you always manage to find me and I never try to stop you once you do."

"But you love me." Again, it should have been a question, not a statement of fact, and as soon as the words stumbled across my lips I felt my cheeks burning up. How stupid of me it was to assume he felt so strongly for me. Boys could very well kiss a girl they merely fancied, they didn't have to be in love with them and yet I so hoped he did.

"Always," he murmured into my hair.

The tears were beginning to pool, and I could feel the not growing in my throat. "Stella?" I inquired shakily.

He sighed, moving away from me to sit back up. With his knees pulled up to his chest and his face in his hands he replied, words heavily laced with frustration, "A futile attempt to forget you. I like her well enough, certainly. She's lovely, she's clever, and sometimes even quite funny but she isn't you. She'll never be you and I'll never stop wishing she was. It's always been you and it's so wrong, so, so wrong."

I sighed, rolling my eyes through the little tears which had begun their decent. "'I'm a danger to you, You're better off with someone like Sirius who can take care of you. You deserve someone

normal, someone whole, who can't hurt you like I can...' I can't remember much but I've dreamt this particular speech so many times I'm afraid the it is engraved into my very skull. Mind you, I couldn't be sure if your predicament was fact or fabricated by my warped subconscious, but—sorry, I'm rambling. In short, let's skip over the bullshit, yes? I'm stubborn, everyone knows it and I'm sure you're part of that 'everyone,' and if that didn't scare me away before (I'm assuming it didn't) then it sure as hell won't do it now."

He chuckled, looking up in disbelief. "Nice to know fragments of your old self remain."

Now seated against the trunk of the tree right beside Remus, I tapped my temple with my finger. "It's all in here, just doesn't want to come out... How many times has this happened to me?"

As if he couldn't help himself, he began brushing bits of grass out of my hair before he shrugged and said, "Enough, but never to such an extent. You did die this time."

I rolled my eyes again. "And do you always avoid me when I can't quite remember who you are?"

He laughed without humor, dryly replying, "Your mother doesn't approve of me, thinks it more prudent for the two of us—though really just you—to remain apart."

I snorted. "You actually do what she tells you to?"

"Only if it's beneficial to your safety and in this case it was. We saw that you almost instinctively knew who I was if we were so much as in the same room together and with you hurt already, any relationship between the two of us would have been all the more dangerous. Besides, I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for your life."

"Well, I'm not," I huffed stubbornly. "I'll die regardless of whether or not I shag you—We ihave/i shagged, haven't we?"

His face went beet red and he shook his head.

"Why the bloody hell not," I snapped, arms crossed over my chest. "I wasn't some sort of prude, was I?"

"Far from it, but we weren't exactly together very long. Maybe a few weeks, not counting snogging while you were with Sirius all of which I was coerced into, by the way."

"I'm sure that didn't keep you from enjoying it, though, I'd assume. Wow, you're so nice to be around, even when we're just talking like this. I don't have to try to be someone I'm not, I don't have to pretend to be happy. It's so easy; it's not like that with anyone else, though very close when I chat with Lily."

I smiled, tucking my hair behind my ear, his hand lingering on my cheek. "I'm missed you."

"That's your fault. You made no effort to even hint at your existence. I know, I know, because of my mother, because of my safety...blah, blah blah, blah blah. It's your condition she doesn't like. I'll bet she finds you absolutely charming. She's all about that chivalry nonsense and whatnot."

After a somewhat forced and awkward farewell I did not see him until time in between spent grasping of the memories of out time together as every detail turned to smoke, slipping away through my fingers. Oddly enough it also brought back memories I didn't think I could ever get back of when we were younger. Flashes of our relationship at every stage from the very beginning when I was hopelessly oblivious to my feelings for him despite all the hearts with his initials that littered the margins of my notes.

We greeted each other with a hug and a smile outside the Great Hall, once again thanking him for his help, excitedly telling him that some memories had resurfacing (without giving detail as to what they were about) which brought on another hug. This one, however, interrupted my steel-like fingers wrapping around my wrist and yanking me away from Remus. Confused, I looked up to meet Sirius's grey eyes, which murderously bore into Remus as he practically dragged me away into an empty room.

"I don't want you talking to him," he growled. "Do you understand me? I want you nowhere near Lupin."

I should have been more cautious, I should have known not to provoke an angry Black (that should be some sort of wizard proverb, really) but I couldn't help myself. "What's the matter, darling? Feeling threatened?"

I didn't get a chance to enjoy it. I didn't even see it coming until it had knocked me down with its force.

As Sirius walked out, I pressed my cool palm against my stinging cheek.


	22. She

**A/N:** Short chapter, LOTS of dialogue. I must warn you it is very bittersweet, meaning there is lots of good and lots of bad, but I don't want to spoil it for you all. Go forth and read, and don't forget to drop me a line in the review box. Thanks!

* * *

"S_he screams in silence_

_A sullen riot penetrating through her mind_

_Waiting for a sign to smash the silence_

_with the brick of self control"_

— Green Day, _She_

**Chapter 22: She**

I lay against the wall in stunned silence for only a moment before the rage begins to bubble. How dare he lay a hand on me! Who does he think he is treating me in such a foul way? Did he think I was just going to be a delicate little wallflower and take my 'punishment' without question? Without retaliation? He was bloody well mistaken, that's for sure. He would pay. God, would he pay for what he had done to me and I would make sure it was the most public display of humiliation. So he didn't want me hanging around Remus, huh? Well, that was exactly what I was going to do.

Determined, I stomped down the corridor into the Great Hall, glaring at everyone who stared at me through my teary eyes. Locking my sight on Remus (and Sirius who was only a couple of spaces away from where he sat) I straightened up and walked straight toward him, maintaining eye contact with him and him alone. He, like everyone else, seemed perplexed by my apparent determination until I took Remus's hand subtly prompting him to stand up. On his feet, before he could ask any questions of me, I took his face in my hand and pulled him in for the most intense kiss I could manage in my furious state. Any confusion seemed to melt away the moment my lips met his, turning him into a most willing participant. There was a collective gasp. I felt his arms snaked around my waist, pressing me closer to him and allowed my own to lazily drape over his shoulders. I was on my toes as I tried to deepen the kiss and he helped by lifting me up slightly. I could hear the murmurs, the accusations of scandal. I could feel every pair of eyes boring into the back of my skull, unable to look away. The teachers must have been somewhat mesmerized by the whole ordeal as well since none had bothered to put an end to this very public display of affection.

I had almost forgotten everything; where we were, the reason I was doing this, until another hand took hold of my shoulder violently pulling me away. A small, audible pop echoed through the room as our lips disengaged.

Sirius's hand was at my wrist now, his fingers digging painfully into the pale skin which was usually completely covered by numerous bracelets. His glare was murderous, shifting from me to Remus as if contemplated whose neck he would wring first.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he spat, yanking me toward him. His head then snapped towards Remus. "And _you_! How _dare_ you kiss my girlfriend?!"

"Ex," I said boldly. "I thought that should have been obvious given my actions and yours as well. You didn't think I'd keep being 'yours' after you slapped me across the face just a moment ago, did you?"

"You _what_?!" Remus and James inquired crossly, James having now gotten to his feet.

Noticing the very likely possibility of adult intervention, I pushed Sirius away from me, side-stepping towards Remus, and with a smile suggested, "Shall we take this discussion outside, _darling_?"

Sirius lead the way out practically emitting smoke from his ears followed by me and Remus, who had laced his fingers with mine, and James and Peter (who just had to tag along).

"You're _my_ girlfriend!" he boomed.

Remus and James shuffled forward, wands drawn, clearly ready to do some serious damage if he so much as laid a finger on me but I pushed them back.

"Was," I corrected. "Even you're clever to understand past tense, Sirius. I have no reason to stay with you, and even less of reason to put up with your bullshit. I deserve to be treated, maybe not like a princess, but at the very least amicably by someone who 'claims' to love me. All you've ever done is used me to satisfy you own desires! You've been overly protective and unfairly jealous, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of you! And what's to say you won't try to hurt again? You've done so before..."

His face blanched with the realization of what my words meant, almost simultaneously as I grasped their significance. There was a crack in my mental wall and something had slipped through that crack just then, something terribly important.

I gasped as the memory came to me. I felt bile rising in my throat and for the briefest instant I thought I might lose consciousness. I tried to say the words but they couldn't come out, they were just to horrible. I didn't even know if I wanted to cry or hit him or just run away. I couldn't comprehend why he would have ever tried to do such a thing. I gazed upon him, eyes wide with horror as the words forced their way out, "You tried to—" I couldn't finish my sentence the last words burned in my throat.

I looked up at Remus, hoping he would tell me it wasn't true but I had seen Sirius' expression after I had briefly alluded to it. He nodded solemnly.

"About two weeks into first term last year I walked in on Sirius trying to get Melody in bed, and stopped him."

"He what?" James was almost purple with rage. I had never seen him in such a state. "But why didn't you say anything? Why didn't any of you tell me?"

Remus gave a small shrug. "Melody didn't want anyone else to know about it. She said that—"

But I didn't catch the rest of the conversation, my mind was preoccupied with reliving the horrid memory.

_I had gone up to the boys' dormitory to check with James and Sirius if they were free for Quidditch trials since I was the new Captain and all. But when I entered the room it was empty. Right as I was about to leave Sirius stepped pot of the bathroom with nothing but a loose towel tied around his waist._

_Blushing, I stuttered, "Oh, uh, s-sorry. I didn't know—I mean, um, wow—um, I'll come back later."_

_She shook his head, little droplets of water sprinkling my face. " No, now's fine. What can I do for you, love?"_

_I looked down at my feet, desperately trying to avoid staring at his half-nakedness. "Oh, um, yeah ... So ... um, trials..." My voice went up an octave at 'trails' causing me to blush an even deeper red. "You free for Friday afternoon?"_

_"For you? Always," he grinned. _

_I had made the mistake of looking up at him. He was now standing only inches from me and had, without my knowing, backed me towards his bed. The closeness startled me and made me fall back onto the mattress. His grin widened which only infuriated me because I hated whenever anyone saw me all goofy and girly and flustered as I was then._

_My breathing and voice were shaky. "All right then, should be going then. I've got to meet Moony down in the library."_

_He had crawled on top of me making it impossible to get away. It scared me. I had never, ever seen him this way, nor had I ever wanted to. Sure Sirius was well fit but I saw him as a brother figure, just like I did with James and those few times in my earlier years when I had dared to daydream what snogging him might be like had left me feeling skeevy and uneasy, like it was incestuous or something. But here he was, clearly not seeing me as a sister. Clearly seeing me as an object of desire._

_"Moony can wait a couple of minutes," he murmured as he begun to trail kisses up my neck. _

_I was properly frightened now. He had a firm grasp on my wrist and wouldn't let me go. His towel had slipped off and his other hand was busy pushing up my skirt._

_I was on the verge of tears. "Sirius, please."_

_"You let Vane touch you, why not me?"It was as if some odd, terrifying creature had suddenly inhabited his body. The way he looked at me, the way his voice changed..._

_I was shaking. "You know that was different, you know he—" I was breaking down now. I was sobbing now. I was thrashing to try to get him off of me, clearly forgetting how much stronger than me he was. "Please, stop."_

_ I continued thrashing and he would not budge, but then the door swung open revealing Remus. The sight of him distracted Sirius and I took advantage that his grip had loosened on me, wiggling out of the cage his arms had formed around me. When he reached out, trying to pull me back to him I lashed out, raking my turquoise nails hard across his face. I crashed into Remus and fell to the ground, dragging him along with me, trying with shaking hands to get my clothes back in order through my hysterics._

_Sirius had not hurt me but had been dangerously close to doing something very stupid and Remus knew this, there was no misinterpreting what he had just walked in to. He protectively wrapped his arms around me as to shield me from the threat._

_"What the bloody hell is wrong with you, Padfoot?" His voice was even but I could feel how rigid he had gone. I saw his jaw was set and saw the fury in his eyes. I was certain that he would rip Sirius to shreds if I so much as moved an inch away from him. _

_"Don't tell me you wouldn't do the same, Moony," he said, sounding like a true asshole, as he shimmied into a clean pair of trousers. "I know you want to. Do you think she's as innocent as she lets on? It's all an act. She's practically_ _begging for it, and I was merely obliging."_

_I cringed away from his horrid words, burring myself deeper into Remus's chest._

_"Doesn't it drive you mad? She was with Vane so long, must've done something right, don't you think? Vane doesn't stay with the same girl very long, especially that long unless he's getting something out of it. Why not me? Why not you? Haven't you asked yourself that before? If that complete loser can so easily charm his way into her knickers, why can't we?"_

_"Sirius, for Merlin's sake, listen to yourself," urged Remus. "You've gone mad, bloody mad. How can you say those things? How could you hurt Melody like that when you care so much for her? What's wrong with you?"_

_Sirius was about to respond when I finally spoke._

_"I never slept with Andros," I coughed weakly. "He may have been a supreme wanker but not once did he ever make me do something I didn't want to, especially what you just tried on me." My distress had now turned to rage and I had mustered the strength to get back on my feet. _

_I walked toward him, my wand drawn pointed directly at him. "Try that again and I will curse your bits off and force you to eat them."_

_He knew it was far from being a joke._

I was suddenly sucked back into the present, into the argument I had not notice arise.

"—it was nowhere near as bad and I apologized for it, didn't I?"

"Oh, yes, and that's supposed to make it all better?" All three fell quiet and turned to me. I was shaking, barely controlling my rage. James was holding onto my shoulders to keep me from shaking but it wasn't working. "Why can't you just accept that I don't love you the way you want me to. I never have and I inever/i will, get that into your twisted mind and leave me alone. Please. Please, just leave me alone."

I turned sharply, not turning back as they all called to me. Once I reached the stairs I began to run, stumbling and falling every couple of steps until I finally reached the Fat Lady's Portrait.

"Flitterbloom," I gasped, through sobs, only until then realizing how truly distressed I was.

But the door did not swing open. The Fat Lady was staring at me her face grave with concern, mouth slightly open as if she were about to say something.

"Flitterbloom!" I snapped, punching her portrait, knowing she would not be able to feel a thing. She wasn't real, anyway, she couldn't actually feel anything.

The door swung open suddenly and I pretty much fell through the portrait hole, followed by some more lightheaded tripping and stumbling until I finally fell onto by bed with a dull thump. Then I screamed and screamed and screamed into my pillow to my hearts content; until my lungs were deprived of air, my throat raw, and the taste of blood strong in my mouth. Then I just curled up in a ball and cried, praying for death, praying for a blackout, praying for another life...

I woke the next morning with a monstrous headache and a note on my pillow from Lily stating that she would be in the library just in case I felt like talking. River and Hazel were gone, as well. I thought I was completely alone until I saw Mary sat on her bed, just looking at me.

"Why aren't you mad at me?"

I chuckled without humor. "That ship sailed long ago," he explained. "It's not a pleasant feeling, going through all of this. Besides, what good would it do, being mad at you?"

"Oh."

I turned on my back, looking up at the top of my bed where I had carved out little hearts with Remus's initials sometime in my younger years amongst the painted stars and planets. I traced the hearts with my index finger, one eye shut, my tongue sticking out the corner of my mouth slightly, then I let out a long sigh.

"I'm sick of not knowing things. I'm sick of not knowing you or what happened."

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything," I said, "but, then, you've told me everything, haven't you? I just want to remember it. I want to feel like I lived it all, even the dreadful bits. There'll be plenty of those, I'm sure."

"So are you going down to talk to Lily?"

"I don't really fell much like talking, to be honest."

She got up off her bed, smoothing out her blouse and crossed to the door. "Just don't kill yourself, please. I heard you talking in your sleep, so..."

"I'm not making any promises." I had meant it as a joke, but judging from her expression, Mary clearly hadn't gotten it.

"Will you at least talk to Remus?" she said, her voice soft and pleading. "He's been sitting out there all night. You should see the bruises he got coming up the stairs." I looked at her and she was smiling at me, her kind friendly smile. I hadn't seen it in so long. "He really does love you, doesn't he?"

I nodded and as Mary exited the room I heard her murmuring something unintelligible to Remus. Sat up I could see that he was lying just outside our door, his hair the only thing visible from where I was.

The moment he stepped into my dormitory I begun feeling terribly self-conscious. My part of the room was a complete mess, resembling a bomb testing sight, and I wasn't looking so great either. My tangled hair was all over the place, my eyes were swollen from all my crying, I was still wearing yesterday's clothes and hadn't washed my face or teeth. None of it really seemed to matter to him. He quietly made to sit beside me. No greeting, no nothing.

"I talked to Lily last night," he began. "The girl's head is full of interesting theories, but you know that, don't you? Or you did before, anyway. I'm sorry about everything that happened at dinner and I'm even more sorry that I enjoyed that kiss so much, but all of this helped me accept something I've been trying so hard to deny for such a long time."

"And what's that?"

His hand went up to stroke my hair. I always loved the way he looked at me, like I was the most important thing in the whole world. Beautiful even in my misery and self-neglect. "Neither of us can live without each other. I was a fool to think otherwise, and I'm sorry it took so long, that figuring this out took such a toll on you. I know this is truly crap timing and, considering everything you've been through as of late, really inappropriate but I don't care anymore."

"What are you on about, Remus?" I asked, grinning at his nervousness. "Just tell me."

"You love me, right?" he inquired, shooting of on a totally unnecessary tangent. "I mean, I know you always say you do but I need to know it's the truth, I need to know it wasn't just for my benefit that you said it."

"I love you," I said full of certainty. "It's the only thing I've ever been sure of. I know I can't remember you through my memories, but every time I look at you the feelings are there. Nothing in the world can make them go away. It's funny, but it's almost like we're tied to each other. Remember when you said I always seem to find you? I guess it's because of that."

He grinned. It was such a brilliant, heart-melting sight to behold that I could not keep my wits about me. I had to muster all of my self-restrain to keep myself from kissing him senseless. I knew he had something to say, something important. That's what this was all about.

He let go of my hand and shifted away from me. I was about to ask him if I had said something wrong when I saw what he was doing. My eyes followed him as he sunk to the floor, getting down on one knee whilst digging for something in the pocket of his trousers. A second later his hand emerged holding a little black box which he opened, keeping his eyes locked with mine.

I begged myself not to cry. I didn't want anything obstructing this of all memories. Every detail had to be remembered exactly as it was. How the light reflected off his hair, how his gaze was so passionate but so obviously scared shitless at the same time, how one of Hazel's thongs was just a couple of inches away from his foot.

"I'm done caring what everyone else think, and I'm done making up excuses for why we shouldn't be together. I know it won't be easy, but I'll do everything in my power to make sure you're happy. So, without further ado—" he cleared his throat ceremoniously "—Melody Belle-Etoile Corden, will you do me the tremendous honor of becoming my wife?"


	23. Lovesong

**Chapter 23: Lovesong**

The overall proposal would have been a million times better had Remus not chosen to use my full name, particularly the middle bit. I was sure never would forgive my mother for naming me Belle-Etoile, as if Melody wasn't whimsical enough already. One could understand why she thought it was sweet naming her only daughter after a princess from a French fairy-tale. Certainly, one might if they were not the one forced to carry the name around for the rest of their life. However, I was extremely glad Remus had left the hyphenated 'Hargreeves' off of my surname. I'm sure I would have been forced to decline his gorgeous proposal had he done otherwise.

As I stared down at the delicate silver ring, nestled comfortably into the velvet, A soft little squeak escaped me as I mentally willed myself not to cry and/or freak out.

"Your timing is awful," I chuckled, still staring at the wonderful thing in utter disbelief.

"Isn't it always?" he chuckled, shifting awkwardly as his leg was quickly growing tired. "Sooo...will you? Marry me?"

"On one condition, good sir," I grinned. "Please, please, _please_ never call me Belle-Etoile every again. Better yet, forget it's my middle name at all."

"Will do."

Our smiles couldn't get any bigger without doing serious damage to our faces. As I felt the cool silver sliding town my finger I was so sure I would explode from purse happiness. Remus really was like the sun of my own little universe. Always warm, always bright. When he was around it was impossible for me to feel glum about anything.

"You're absolutely sure?" he asked once the ring was in place, not letting go of it just yet.

"No, Remus, I'm not. Actually, I'm considering asking Lily to leave James and run away with me to Portugal instead," I replied sarcastically, accompanied by one of my trademark eye rolls.

"It's just that, well, my family hasn't got very much money and I doubt I'll be able to get a suitable job with my condition."

"I thought you said no more excuses?" I pulled him back up towards me, resting my forehead against his. "You said it'll be difficult and I know it will, but we'll figure it out. Somehow we'll make it work with or without my mother's help or approval. I just know we will."

"It's not too late to change your mind. I'd completely understand if you did."

"Just stop, would you? There's no way in hell you can get rid of me."

He smiled, his eyes darting questionably down to my lips which had, for the entirety of this conversation, been blocked my right hand to shield my breath which, from the vile taste in my mouth, I knew must have been beastly.

"Can I kiss you now?"

I shook my head. "I haven't brushed my teeth yet."

He rolled his eyes. "It's noon."

"And? I woke up like three minutes before you came into the room," I retorted, feeling the need to defend myself. I didn't want him thinking I had poor hygiene habits, not just after we've agreed to be happily stuck to each other for the remainder of our lives (I hoped. I really, really hoped). "Just wait here, I'll only be a mo'," I insisted before clumsily darting to the bathroom.

I brushed as quickly and thoroughly as I could, eager to get back to my lovely husband-to-be, but as I bent down to rinse my mouth I felt a familiar pair of arms around my waist. I looked up into the mirror and there he was smiling at me through it.

I spun around on my toes, wrapping my arms around Remus's neck as I always seemed to do when I was this close to him. Remus had the tip of his nose against mine, the proximity making both of us cross-eyed and therefore initiating one of my giggle fits.

When my laugher had died down Remus asked, "Better?"

"Much," I murmured against his lips.

The kiss was very brief but no less sweet than all the others we had shared since I reacquainted myself with him yesterday. The moment we pulled apart I was already shoving him out of the bathroom which was not an easy feat, mind, when he was trying very hard to get his lips back on mine. It was actually quite funny.

"But why?" he whined childishly once I successfully had him out the door.

"Because I need to shower," I sighed with faux exasperation. "I fell all icky. I can't snog you comfortably smelling like a dead skunk."

"Charming visual, love."

I rolled my eyes again and was about to close the door on him when all of the sudden a brilliant idea popped into my head, accompanied by an onslaught of hilarious memories all of which had the similar theme of me trying to persuade Remus to sleep with me. Those memories in itself helped me a great deal, and made me feel more like myself. Not to mention it made our dynamic much more understandable. Also, it made me more confident; so unlike anything I had felt in months.

"Why are you smiling at me like that?" he asked sounding concerned though his eyes had darkened and seemed to shine more than usual.

"Remus, when's the last time you took a shower?"

He looked at me as if I had gone mad and then realization dawned on him. He smiled though he still seemed apprehensive about my idea.

"You want me to..._join you_?" His voice was about an octaves higher, but I didn't know if this was due to nervousness or excitement. Both, I reckoned, considering what I was offering.

"Only if you want to," I said quickly, starting to regret the idea. Maybe it was just nervousness. Maybe I was moving too fast. Maybe this was all too soon.

"I want to, believe me, I've wanted to for ages now, but won't it be difficult to..."

"We don't have to," I insisted, slipping my hands in the back pockets of his trousers to pull him against me. "We could just shower. I mean, I don't think I've ever seen you naked or have I?"

He shook his head. His breathing was getting shaky and every time he met my eyes it seemed he was trying, with very much difficulty, to fight for control of himself. I couldn't say I was any different, really. All the while, I felt an exhilarating surge of energy rushing through me. Goose bumps erupting all over my skin. "We've seen each other in our underwear, but that's it," he said. "You're sure? I'm all for it but you have to be completely sure, I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"You wouldn't," I said with absolute certainty. I had never been so nervous or so eager about anything, at least not in my accessible memories, and our proximity was driving me mad. I needed something more and quick, for fear that any sort of hesitation would make me, if not the two of us, explode. "I just hope we don't get caught. It is rather risky."

I could see he was just about to call of this little idea of mine when suddenly an idea lit up his entire face.

"There's always the Prefect's bathroom."

There was the crooked grin. Oh, how it never failed to make me go weak.

"That's brilliant!" I laughed, clasping his hand to drag him out. "All right, then, let's go."

I had once heard that smell was the quickest trigger to memories, something that was immediately proven right when I stepped into the luxurious bathroom. The glow of the candle-filled chandelier against the white marble of the room created an absolutely perfect atmosphere. Relaxing. Romantic. Private.

"I forgot there was a diving board in here," I chuckled. "It's been so long since I've used this place." As Captain of the Quidditch team, I, too, was granted access to this bathroom the previous year, but given my swift exit and the fact that Sirius had usurped my title in that time it had been ages.

"Same here," said Remus. "I usually just shower in the dorm."

"Have you ever had Moaning Myrtle spying on you while you were in here?" I asked, as the pool begun filling up with sweet-smelling bubbly water.

Remus groaned. "All the time! You don't think—"

"No. She wouldn't dare," I said. "She's absolutely frightened of me. Besides, she's usually moping in her stall at this hour."

The pool filled up with foam, bubbles and water rather quickly considering its size and I knew what we had to do next. There was no way around it unless we wanted to bathe in our clothes and that was so not going to happen. I inhaled deeply and greeted my teeth to shake off my nerves and pulled my gown over my head before I had time to rethink this whole thing. I could feel Remus scanning me from head to toe avoided his gaze, afraid that if I did I'd do something stupid like run away in my knickers.

The soft material soundlessly touched the floor and I murmured, "Your turn."

I glanced up through my fringe as he shrugged of his shirt and kicked off his trousers, leaving only a pair of dark gray pants to cover him. Had I known things would go so far I would have better prepared. I wouldn't have worn frilly nickers with teddy bears printed all over them. I would have at least made my undergarments match. I wasn't even wearing a bra—my hair was thick and long enough to cover me completely—and I found myself thinking with some amusement that I must have vaguely resembled the mermaid in the painting on the wall.

"Are you scared?" Remus asked after a moment when I didn't make a move. To be fair, I was waiting for him but yes, I really was scared. There was no going back from this.

With my teeth digging into my bottom lip I gave him a small nod. "Aren't you?"

He nodded too and stepped toward me, bending down to give me what felt like a reassuring kiss. "We could stop this now. Just say the word."

"No, it has to be now," I whispered. "Everything is perfect now." With that I brushed my hair behind my shoulders, walking backwards toward the edge of the pool. I could feel my cheeks growing incredibly hot as he stared at me in a sort of trance. When my heels touched the edge I shimmied my knickers off and jumped in.

"Your turn," I repeated when I resurfaced.

He looked apprehensive and I rolled my eyes. "You just saw my breast, something which not even my mother has seen since I 'blossomed.' It wouldn't be the first time I've seen a guy completely naked." I smirked, enjoying this so much more now that I was fully covered by the great mess of bubbles. "I have an older brother, Rem, and I grew up next door to James."

"Enough said." He rolled his eyes and briskly pulled down his pants, jumping into the pool before I could comment.

I gave a high, loud squeal as the water came up and splashed me, then even a louder one when Remus resurfaced. It scared me. I hadn't been expecting him so close then all of the sudden his arms were wrapped around me the way they had in the bathroom only now we were facing each other and much closer than was deemed appropriate in such a situation. Well, nothing about this was appropriate from a parental standpoint.

It was so weird. The moment our skin touched nothing mattered anymore but the two of us. I wasn't scared anymore and the previous awkwardness seemed to have evaporated. Nothing mattered, but I could feel everything. Everything was just so vivid and alive. Especially Remus. I had never seen him so vibrant, so beautiful. He was so different from the way he had always been, but in a good way. I liked it.

"I love you," I murmured against his swollen lips, my fingers weaving themselves into his damp hair.

"I love you, too," he replied. "forever and always."

"Forever and always," I agreed.

"Details! Details! _Rápido_!" squealed Hazel eagerly, jumping onto my bed which was already populated by River, Lily and myself. Mary wasn't in the dormitory, rather in the library. I had seen her on our way back to Gryffindor Tower. "You can't just come back in here with a gorgeous engagement ring and an idiotic I-finally-got-some look and deny us details. It's our right to know."

I knew my cheeks were bright red, probably as red as Lily's hair, and I buried my face into my pillow, shaking my head.

I heard all three give a collective sigh. "He's probably telling that lot all about it."

I let out a weird snorting laugh. "Only if he has a death wish. Sirius is beyond furious and James would surely tear him to bits if he knew he 'rid me of my virtue,'" I let out another snort as I quoted River's previous, if somewhat antiquated, words.

"Did it hurt a lot?" Lily asked, biting her lip nervously.

I winced. "It did at first. I mean, it did pretty much the whole time but it got a lot better afterwards."

"Ooh, yummy!" giggled Hazel perversely, clasping her hands together. "Never though Lupin would be such a big deal. I'm pretty jealous. I could barely feel most of the guys I've been with."

We let put a collective 'ew' before falling into a fit of giggles.

"How many is that, exactly? Reaching the 500s?" joked Lily.

"Thereabouts," Hazel replied soberly. "Alas, we have diverged from the topic at hand." She turned to me. "You. Spill!"

I went on to tell them absolutely everything in excruciating detail as they bombarded me with questions though I had not initially planned to tell them anything; not about the proposal and certainly not about the Prefect's bathroom. I realized, however, that there was no real way around this when we reemerged in the common room with damp hair, swollen lips and the same stupid looks on our faces. River was the first to see the ring, running over to us with her 'omigosh, ohmigosh, ohmigosh!' and wrapping her arms around the two of us as she jumped up and down and everyone else present looked at her as if she were crazy. The girls allowed me one final kiss before literally dragging me up the stairs. Good times, indeed.

"So, when's the wedding then?" asked River.

I shrugged. "I'm not sure. No one but you three knows, and I'm somewhat afraid to tell my mother. She probably won't think this happy news. I think it would be more prudent to wait until after graduation."

"Ooh, a summer wedding! How lovely!" They all gushed.

"You _have to_ let me make all the arrangements," added Hazel. "Besides your brother's getting married to that Keri girl at New Year's, isn't he? That's bound to give me loads of ideas? I'm thinking soft pink and mint green for the color scheme."

"Girls, it's amazing how happy you are for me and how supportive you've all been of my relationship with Remus despite all the drama, but I think it's still a bit early to be thinking about this. I mean, I probably won't even to wear the ring on my finger straight away. I don't want to make things worse."

"It's a beautiful ring," remarked Hazel, examining it closely. "Where ever did he get it."

"It was his mother's," I said, a bittersweet smile tugging at the corners of my lips. "When we were walking back up here, Remus said that she left it to him before she died and told him that it was mine now. Then she wrote me a short letter and tucked it into the box, it said that she always knew we'd be together and that she could think of no better girl for her son." I pulled the small, folded up piece of parchment out from under my pillow and handed it to Lily.

"'_Though as I write this you may not realize it, Melody, dear, you are even more in love with my son than he is with you, the fact that you are reading this means that you finally have and I could not be happier for you both. You care for him with such a passion, with such love it would be silly to think anyone could do better than you. He is so luck to have you, and I am sorry I will never be able to repay you for the happiness you've given him but know that you have my eternal gratitude and that I've always loved you as a daughter. Do not let the world corrupt this love, which has always so pure and true, with its hatred and prejudices. Remember that all that matters is what you feel for him and he feels for you, not what others think. Even in the darkest of times, you'll find that a love such as yours prevails._'" Lily read aloud, misty eyed by the end of it.

"If only my mother were like Cecilia Lupin," I sighed, shifting through murky snapshots of the woman through my mind. I could not remember her face clearly but her voice was so clear it was as if she was in the same room. As Lily had read her letter, I hadn't heard her voice, but Cecilia's.

"Everything will be wonderful," said River, wrapping a reassuring arm around my hunched shoulders. "You won't be alone in this, you've got us."

Hazel smiled. "Of course you do. In the words of your betrothed, 'forever and always.'"

"forever and always," said Lily joining in the embrace.

I so wish someone had been there to photograph this moment, capturing the happiness that even then I felt was fleeting.


	24. House of Wolves

**Chapter 24: House of Wolves**

The small amount of light that filtered through the dark clouds crept through the curtains and onto my face pulling me from what had been the most deep and peaceful sleep I had had in ages. My eyes flew open and I found myself feeling more than a little disoriented. I couldn't remember having gotten to bed last night. I shifted slightly feeling sore and sticky with sweat, the sheets fell from my shoulders down to my hip and I realized I was starkers, not only that but that there was someone else sleeping beneath me. A boy. A boy that, even fully enveloped by sleep with his shaggy hair completely disheveled, looked utterly beautiful. Remus. As I whispered the name in my head, images of the previous night came flooding back to me and I couldn't help but smile. It hadn't been a dream, my first time had really been with Remus ... and so had my second, and third and fourth.

Knowing this, I was no longer worried, I buried myself deeper into his side draping my bruised arm across his body. I had no idea how I had gotten that particular bruise or any of the others, really, since it was a bit difficult keeping track of things whilst preoccupied by other, more thrilling, things. My fingers traced along the prominent scar on his back that went from his shoulder blade down his ribs. He stirred and slowly woke, his bright, amber eyes locking with my own.

"Good morning," he whispered groggily with a lazy smile that was, nevertheless, breathtaking.

"Hello," I responded rather stupidly before pressing my lips to his.

"I could get used to this."

I smirked. "Did we really, um, well you know...? Again?"

And again, and again, and again, and...

"Yes," he said, the happy expression quickly leaving his face for a serious one. "How do you feel? Are you hurt? I'm so, so sorry Melody." He sat up quickly, his eyes scanning my body. He winced whenever they came upon one of the bruises.

"Why would you be sorry? It isn't like you took advantage of me, I was just as willing and eager as you were." I grinned as my eyes fell across his pale chest where there were several bright red bite marks. "You're not the only one who did some damage last night, love. I regret nothing, especially not this," I kissed him, "Or this," I added, taking my engagement ring, which I had hung on a thin silver chain around my neck.

"I'm glad, my lovely wife-to-be," he smiled falling back onto the pillows with a groan. "I can believe you're up at five in the morning."

"Get used to it, lazy husband-to-be," I said, sticking my tongue out at him as I made to get out of bed.

I was quite unsuccessful in my endeavor since Remus just pulled me back down toward him, hugging me against his chest like James did with his stuffed dragon. His hand gently stroked my hair, lulling me back to sleep but I knew that if I drifted off I'd be late for class. I had only been back in my classes for a little over a week and it had been slightly over a week since that Prefect's bathroom moment.

It's funny, I never though of Remus, or of myself for that matter, as sex crazed and yet we were with each other any chance we got. I was completely indebted to Hazel for giving me the best spots around the castle with least risk of getting caught—It was surprisingly easy to do it in a broom cupboard without getting caught, especially if it was between classes (we were only late once to Potions and Slughorn didn't even deduct points).

"I'm happy for you two," Lily had said one night while she and Remus were supposed to be patrolling the corridors, "but it's rather unsanitary, shagging in a cupboard, wouldn't you say? Not to mention you're risking getting caught every time you go about your business. Neither of you were exactly quiet, and now I have a variety of mental images I wish I didn't."

"No one will find out, I won't tell anyone, Remus won't tell anyone. We're not completely stupid, Lils. No need to worry about our reputations."

"You're more like yourself than you were at the beginning of the year," said Lily, fighting a smile.

"Yeah, I reckon you're right, Lily," said Remus already smirking, "she always came across as something of a nymphomaniac, wasn't she?"

"I prefer the term wanton seductress, but there really is no seduction involved, is there? Remus is always more than willing."

Lily made a horrified sound and quickly covered her ears before Remus went on to a very descriptive explanation of why this was true. She knew we did this on purpose just as Hazel used to do to me back when I had not discovered the miracle that was shagging a fit bloke. We did this because we knew it was only a matter of time before she discovered this fact with James.

I pushed Remus away, squealing childishly as he begun tracing kisses down my ticklish ribs, and put on a clean pair of underwear and a plain black t-shirt that belonged to Remus.

'Have fun figuring out how you're going to get downstairs without getting caught," I giggled. "By the way, how did you even manage getting up here? The memory's a bit hazy."

"I guess the staircase senses me as more animal than boy," he joked, though there was a hint of sadness to his smile. "It's only the steps, though, nothing keeps you from climbing the bannister."

"Clever."

"I certainly thought so." He shrugged. lazily stretching out on my pillows. Merlin, I could stare at him forever and never grow tired of it. "I doubt I'll get caught. It's Saturday, love. Most people like to sleep in on Saturday."

River gave a loud, shaky snore as if to prove Remus's point.

"Besides," he continued, "today is the first day of the cycle. I want to spend as much time with you as possible before I have to go."

"Well, that certainly explains your enthusiasm and, um, forcefulness." I manage to get out, blushing like mad. "Hazel was _so_ right."

Remus gave me a weird look and sighed, "I'm not even going to ask, but seeing as you enjoy the danger so much we could—"

'Tempting, really," I was lacing up my boots, having already jumped into a pair of impossibly tight jeans, "but I told you I must reclaim my Captaincy today. I can't bear to lose another match, especially when the next is against Slytherin."

"I thought we talked about this."

"And have you reconsidered letting me tag along tonight?" The look on his face was answer enough. "Then I'm going. I'm not going to get hurt on a broomstick any more than I would hanging out with you on a full moon." He blanched and I rolled my eyes. "My memories are coming back more and more ever day and though the migraines are getting worse, they're also less frequent now. I'll be all right, I promise."

I regretted not having brought a sweater along as I walked down to the Quidditch pitch, even more so once I reached it. It was freezing. I didn't say one word to Sirius when I arrived but greeted my teammates joyously as he read the letter I shoved at his chest. I had asked Professor McGonagall to write it, explaining that now that I was obviously getting better there was nothing to keep me from getting back my Captaincy, especially since Sirius had been explicitly told the current situation was only temporary. Everyone was, of course, happy to have me back and I was extremely happy to get back on a broomstick.

The moment everything was settled and we were all suited up I had the team running laps around the pitch. I lead and I ran faster than I usually did to distance myself from all of them. I wanted to feel completely alone for at least a couple of minutes and I wanted to feel some pain that wasn't emotional. I couldn't stand feeling Sirius's gaze burning its way through the back of my skull. I pushed harder as I noticed him go the head of the group, steadily getting closer to me.

A bit too hard, unfortunately. I fell flat on my face as the pain shot from my ankle to the rest of my leg. I didn't know if I had sprained it or broken it, just that it felt like shit.

I heard the laughter before my teammates got me back on my feet. It was unmistakable. "Apart from being crap with men, you turn out to be crap on the field, Corden. What idiot thought you'd make a good captain? I heard you're with that slag Hazel now, id that true, Corden?"

"At least she made Captain, Bainbridge, you prick," snapped Beck Rebel, my ginger-haired Beater, as he pulled me up with one swift jerk. "At least she can get someone to like her. Can say the same for you, can we?"

'So this is the guy Mary's dating,' I mused in admiration as I watched him defend me. They certainly made a lovely couple, not that I had ever seen them together. They weren't much into the whole public display thing, both being very private people.

"Beck, don't." I limped forward until I was face-to-face with Burton Bainbridge. "You think these petty, little insults are going to get to me? You think you can make me cry? You're pathetic, Bainbridge. Really pathetic. I mean, I rejected you a year ago, get over it already, yeah? You're not attractive and your personality really doesn't make up for it. Accept it, embrace it, and for the love of all that's good and pure sod off."

As I turned he muttered, "Bloody dyke."

I snapped.

_Burton's face meet Melody's fist. The pleasure is all mine, jerk._

It was very odd of me to punch him in the face instead of cursing him like any other witch would but it felt good nonetheless. Empowering, even. I was human and Burton should have been smart enough not to push me until I snapped. I wasn't a Hindu cow, after all, nowhere near that Zen.

My teammates cheered and I curtsied as if I were performing _Hamlet_ with the RSC. This truly was something to be proud of and hopefully it was enough to shift people's attention from the Remus/Me/Sirius fiasco which they were still talking about to the me-punching-Bainbridge thing.

"And that lads is why this lovely lady is Captain," said Beck, pulling my hand over my head so that I'd twirl, which I did.

"She's positively vicious!" someone laughed.

The rest of the practice passed singing a rather ridiculous song about how awesome I was, watching as a couple of Slytherins dragged Bainbridge off the pitch. I saw James and Sirius follow closely behind to make sure they wouldn't decide to trash our changing rooms and sabotage our extra brooms.

"I'd like to see you take on the Giant Squid," joked Beck.

I scoffed jokingly. "That's _way _too easy. Though I could probably take on a werewolf," I winked, thinking of all the times I had practically made Remus turn to mush just by kissing that spot behind his ear.

"Now I know you're joking," laughed Beck. "Unless you're willing to put some money on that claim?"

"Are we talking about a bet here, Rebel?"

"Tonight _is_ a full moon," he said rocking back and forth on this heels.

"How much are we talking about?"

The grin on his face widened farther than I thought possible making him resemble the cheshire cat. "Fifty Galleons if you spend the entire night in the Forbidden Forest," he took a long, dramatic pause then added, "completely starkers."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't you pervs ever get tired of staring at girls' chests?" I sighed. "You've seen one pair of breasts and you've pretty much seen them all."

"It's perfectly understandable if you're scared. I mean, we all know there's all sorts of things out there at night, werewolves included."

"Oh, I'm not scared one bit. You've got yourself a bet and I'll expect my money no later than breakfast tomorrow. Now if you excuse me, I must be going. I've got a boy to snog."

Good thing James and Sirius weren't around to hear this. I'd not let anyone else know about this because there was no way I was loosing Fifty Galleons.

It was only a night, how hard could it be?

~OooOooO~

Remus tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear as he kissed me softly for what would be the last time that day. His hand lingered on my cheek, his thumb stroking up and down softly to its own accord. I held onto him tightly as if my small, weak arms were enough to keep him here even though I knew it was much better if I just let him go. It's funny how I didn't care about him being a werewolf when I was one of those people who were pretty much literally afraid of their own shadow. It was only when I was with him that I realized just how much this place had changed me and that at the same time I was still the same girl I had been before. With Remus there was no deviation. Despite the lack of memories both worlds converged within me, creating one immaculate being ... or at least immaculate In his eyes. He made me feel as much which was why now that I had him all to myself I couldn't bare to let him go for even this short amount of time knowing that there was the possibility that he might get hurt ... That _I _might get hurt, too.

Despite my fear for both our safeties I could not find it in me to durn down Beck's dare because I knew I'd never hear the end of it and in a moment of madness eternal torment from my teammates seemed a worse fate than being attacked by Remus. I realize only now how screwed up that is. So I kept my mouth shut and help back my worry and fear even though I was sure he could sense it just as he could sense other things around this time of the month and let him go.

"I'll see you in the morning, love," I whispered against his lips.

As he walked away the look he gave me clearly stated he had not missed the falter in my tone; that I had been just seconds away from shedding a tear. But I was going through with it even if it killed me unless my constantly contradicting emotions found away to kill me first.

I sat in the Common Room as the sun begun to set in the distance waiting for Peter, James and Sirius to sneak out (Sirius was more mad at me than he was at Remus. He wasn't so much of an asshole he'd let Remus get hurt over something as stupid as me). No one ever saw them because they were under the invisibility cloak but I knew that their feet always stuck out from the bottom. Soon after their exit the others descended the boys' staircase wearing their idiotic pervy grins, ready to go. This was Nick Renshaw's—one of our Chasers—time to shine as he boasted about having discovered secret passage ways out of the castle which he was certain nobody else knew about. Our teammates were all impressed but I knew better, I knew that my boys had gotten there first. I smiled at the thought of them but shivered at the thought of running into them, not because I was afraid of an attack but because I was afraid they'd yell at me in the morning.

The night was cold and dark as you'd expect it to be approaching winter. We had all of of us somehow managed to make it out and all the way into the middle of the Forbidden Forest undetected. Luckily there was no sight of my furry friends. Luckily they didn't sound close. We could hear a wolf howling, sure, but it sounded closer to Hogsmeade than to us.

"Hope you've got my money ready boys," I said briskly as I sat on a fallen tree trunk, crossing one leg over the other and folding my hands in my lap. I knew that as long as the howling came far from us this would be a piece of cake and we'd all be perfectly safe.

Beck smirked shaking his head. "You're only half way. D'you recall the rest of the terms of our little wager."

I groaned and nodded, talking of Remus's dark gray cardigan with trembling hands. Even they were shivering and thee were all wearing scarves and mittens.

One by one I threw my items of clothing on the floor almost angrily, making sure my hair covered my breast. When I was down to my knickers I gave a grand 'ta-da' gesture with my arms trying not to blush as they stared at me, giggling like little girls.

Beck kept smirking and shook his head again. "No pants or it's no deal."

"Your girlfriend will be hearing about this." I let out a loud huff and shimmied out of my lacy pink underwear flinging it right at him when they were off. He laughed audibly at this.

"I'm glad I amuse you," I hissed sardonically as I folded the Remus's cardigan, placing it on the tree trunk so that I'd have somewhere soft to sit. "Now what?"

"We wait," said Beck sitting on the cold, moist dirt. "Obviously the wolf is about tonight."

I glared at him darkly. "I hope you're not using me as a sacrificial virgin in some sort of ritual because I swear if I die I'm so coming back to haunt you all."

I don't know when it happened but I somehow managed to drift off to sleep. When I opened my eyes the moon was directly above me and I lay in a pile of leaves on the floor. My first though was hoping my pervy teammates hadn't tried any funny business whilst I was out but I seemed untouched. As I sat up I looked around me to find that I was all alone. I even looked up into the trees to see if they were there but they weren't.

"You bloody pricks!" I yelled into the quiet night. No one replied. No laughs, no snorts. Not a sound but my own voice echoed back to me.

Because they were gone I thought it okay to but my pants back on, but not the rest of my clothes in case they decided to come back to check on me. Wrapping Remus's cardigan around me I begun walking deeper into the forest. I don't know why I did this though it was probably out of boredom. I couldn't quite imagine staying the entire night in that one spot alone and also I guess part of me _did _want to run in to Remus. Morbid curiosity and all.

My footsteps were light and soundless but after about ten minutes of walking I felt another presence and the hairs at the back of my neck stood on end as they do when you sense you're being followed. I turned around but it was too dark to see very far so I shrugged off the feeling and continued walking. Not only five minutes later did I feel it again but this time instead of looking behind me I begun to walk faster until my fast walk turned into a run. I couldn't hear anything coming behind me so I quickly stopped, feeling stupid.

That was my mistake.

When I stopped I heard twigs breaking and leaves crunching about a foot away from me. My breath caught in my throat and I turned, already knowing what I would find.

He must have smelled his scent on the cardigan! I thought. It was a stupid idea of me to have taken it with me but I had thought that I'd feel safer having something of his with me.

I had to hold back the urge to let out a frightened whimper.

Remus, on a normal day, towered over me but as a wolf ... well, it was ridiculous. Never in my life had I felt so insignificant and frightened simultaneously. He did not attack me right away, thank God, because he was probably curious to find the creature that carried his scent. He didn't attack me right away because he was probably confused to find me, small, frail, very human, very mortal Melody Corden who he probably could not remember he loved and was engaged to most days out of the month. Yet in his eyes I could have sworn I saw the recognition. Maybe it was just wishful thinking.

I stupidly thought it safe enough to take a step forward with my right arm extended as if I were getting ready to pet a cute, harmless Yorkie. When I was close enough to muse about how cool it was his amber eyes were still exactly the same in this form I whispered, "Remus?"

Big mistake.

My voice was all it took for Remus to snap at me and so the chase begun.

"Prongs!" I yelled madly as I pushed myself forward with all the strength I could muster. "Padfoot! Help me!"

Where the hell were they? Wasn't it their job to keep this sort of thing from happening? Good job, guys. Totally super.

As I ran I kept looking behind me to find that Remus wasn't slowing down and that was my other big mistake because it made me pay no attention to where I was going. My foot caught on an uplifted tree root and I tumbled forward crashing into a large tree trunk. I felt the blow to the head just as well as I felt the blood start running down the side of my face.

I was such an idiot. Now I was about to be killed by my boyfriend because of a stupid dare. He'd blame himself instead of me as he very well should and would probably end up in Azkaban for the rest of his life. I was certainly changing the story now, wasn't I? Too bad I was making it a lot worse.

Somehow I still had the strength to crawl and by some miracle this threw Remus off a bit. I saw a flickering orange light in the distance and sped towards it as fast as my hands and knees could manage. I had lost the cardigan a long while back and was covered in enough dirt to blend into the earth, especially in such darkness.

The flickering orange light had been a campfire and there were my teammates laughing and joking jovially as if they had forgotten they had left a naked girl behind in the forest to fight against a werewolf.

"You assholes!" I growled loudly. Regretting it the very moment I said it.

It echoed and in a matter of second Remus would break through the trees into this clearing.

"Climb!" I urged them. They did not question me, instead got straight to it.

I still don't know why I didn't follow. Probably embarrassed they'd see me do this naked. As if they hadn't seen all of me already. I wouldn't have made it high enough though. I was sure of that.

So I ran again knowing how pointless it would be. Away from my armed teammates who could have easily helped me from above, away from the warmth of the fire deeper into the cold forest.

Before I knew It I was at the lake which was as good as a dead end because a) it was probably colder in the water than above it, and b) there was no guarantee there weren't worse things down there than out here.

I saw him charging forward and found myself frozen, frozen with terror and certain this was the end. I begun to cry and with eyes shut tightly I whispered, "I love you."

I tried to make myself invisible hoping this was possible without a wand. My wand was tucked in my underwear at my hip but I couldn't even twitch my hand in its direction, not even if it meant saving my life. I just hoped and prayed that I could turn invisible and I thought I did because I swore I felt him go through me.

I was wrong, the searing pain in my side told me that. He had not bitten me but scratched me from my waist to halfway up my back. I fell to the ground screaming in pain. The scratch had gone in deep and I felt almost cut in half. No attack followed. Hurting me once had been enough. I had expected him to bite me straight afterward which I admit would have probably felt much better but after I fell he was gone.

I screamed and screamed and screamed for what felt like hours until through my unfocused vision I saw Nick running toward me with two other boys carrying what I assumed was medical supply. I was only semiconscious as Nick explained how they had anticipated something like this and had nicked some stuff from Madame Pomfrey. I was lucid enough, however, to grab him roughly by the collar and rasp, "If any of you tell anyone about this I will kill you. Not James, not Sirius, and _especially _not Remus."

They knew they'd have hell to pay for this, that I'd run them until their bones turned to jelly during practice for this. Yes, I had agreed to it but it had been their idea not mine. Yet I was the one curious about seeing Remus in wolf form. As I faded I prayed he wouldn't remember what happened when he turned back. As I faded I hoped my injury would miraculously heal by sunrise.


	25. Criminal

_"Heaven help me for the way that I am_

_Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done_

_I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand_

_But I keep living this day like the next will never come"_

— Fiona Apple, _Criminal_

**Chapter 25: Criminal**

They could have been nice enough to put my clothes back on me or to at least carry me back to the common room but instead the charming boys of the Gryffindor House team left me perfectly bandaged and asleep in the forest (again). The gauze around my waist was soaked in blood but I felt absolutely no pain, as I unwound it I saw that I had indeed miraculously healed and there was not a trace of injury left on me. I felt fantastic too. My skin even seemed to have a glow to it as if it were brand new.

The sky above was getting lighter and when I moved to stand up I felt a pile of clothes beside me. It was not the clothes I had worn down here in the night, they had actually gone up and fetched one of Remus's shirts and even found this cardigan. I was about to button up the plain white shirt when I heard whimpering coming from behind a nearby cluster of bushed. The sun was already rising in the distance so I knew I was no danger as I approached. I was far too shaken up and had already spent the entire night in this place, in this state, to be afraid anymore, especially now that the sky was only getting brighter by the second. Besides, I had been safe all night after the first attack. Perhaps James and Sirius had finally found Remus and managed to keep him under control.

Wait a minute...

Remus!

I didn't want him to find out but I wanted to know he was okay and I was sure at that point that what was behind the bushes was him.

I quickly dashed over to the whimpering that was now more of a mixture of pained moans and groans. How I didn't notice his presence earlier was shocking. He had been near me, dangerously near, when still in his wolf state and had left me alone. Perhaps his common sense slowly returned as the sun got nearer to rising.

I peeked over the bushes at the very last moment of his transformation back into his human form. He looked so broken. And he still had the balls to call _me_ fragile? I should have slapped him. Still, it took a lot of strength to endure this every month, a lot more than most people have. I couldn't help but run over to him, to help him. Hold him. Comfort him. I just wanted to see if he was all right.

But where were the boys? How could they leave him alone like this?

"Remus?" I said in a whisper.

He laid in a fetal position on the ground with his eyes closed, shaking violently. All across his face and body there were fresh wounds, many deep and severe. I could feel my tears welling up at the sight of this, of his pain. It didn't matter how accustomed he was to it, he still must've felt the pain. I now knew how bad it was firsthand and he had only struck me once. Having to go through this over and over again ... I couldn't bear the thought.

I was about to go over to him when I felt a hand on my shoulder. My mouth formed a wide 'o' to let out a scream but nothing came out. Hands flying up to cover my bandaged chest, I turned around to see that it was Sirius, looking down at me gravely.

"What are you doing here?" he whispered harshly. "You're lucky James didn't see you otherwise he'd be going ballistic."

"I just wanted to see him, to know he was okay," I answered lamely, my voice breaking a bit at the end.

"He normally doesn't get away like that but he caught your scent," he explained. "How could you have been so stupid, Mel? You could have gotten yourself killed. You would have, had I not heard you calling for help in time."

"You saved me?" I asked puzzled. "But why?"

"Why do you think?" he snapped frustratedly. "You need to get out of here before he regains consciousness or the others get here. Take this," he said, taking out what I recognized as James's invisibility cloak. "go get changed, I'll take you to the hospital wing later, yeah?"

I nodded a bit dazed and followed his instructions.

**~ooOoo~ **

It was in the Hospital Wing that I finally noticed the extent of Remus's injuries. Now that we were in good light I realized they were much worse than they had seemed outside. So bad were the ones on his back that he was forced to lie on his stomach. I sat on the floor beside him stroking the back of his hand with my thumb as I talked with him to keep him distracted as Madame Pomfrey fixed him up. As she worked she mumbled about some of her things missing.

Every so often I'd look up at his back but could not bear the sight of it for too long. Madame Pomfrey was pouring some greenish-blue potion over the deeper cuts which made Remus's skin smoke as if it were on fire. Remus did not scream but I could see that he wanted to, he was just holding it back. Whether for my sake or his I couldn't tell but I couldn't stand it. I'd have rather looked at the bleeding cuts than at his agony which was exactly what I did. Curiously as I concentrated on the blood and steaming cuts so that I'd be able to block out his pained hissing I begun to feel pain in _my _back which matched what I was seeing. In a matter of seconds I could feel the shirt clinging to my back. My eyes darted to Remus to see that his eyes were wide with alarm looking down at me. Madame Pomfrey, too, was staring down at me and had abruptly stopped.

"Miss Corden!" she gasped, utterly horrified.

"Melody, what—" I didn't let him finish his though. I got up to my feet and dashed to the tall upright mirror at the other end of the room and shook the shirt off just below my shoulder blades where the cut was deepest.

It burned and wouldn't stop bleeding. Despite the pain I was convinced it wasn't real. It had to be some sort of trick or very intricate illusion. I stared at it intently trying to convince myself it wasn't real meanwhile imagining what the skin should look like; pale, smooth, without the faintest trace of scarring. It begun to heal itself before my eyes. James, Sirius and Peter stood behind me and I could their expressions in the mirror matching my own of great surprise and confusion.

This was brilliant but horrifying. What the did it mean? What in the bloody hell was I other than a witch? Could I possibly be an even bigger freak than I already was?

Then I remembered when Remus had been chasing me and suddenly stopped. Had I actually disappeared? But how could I have done it without knowing how? Then again my body had mimicked Remus's injury without my realizing it.

"H-how did you do that?" asked Peter, his voice shaky and frightened.

I was just as scared as he was when I replied, "I haven't a clue," I looked above his head to Madame Pomfrey silently urging her for some explanation but she seemed as clueless as we were.

"Perhaps you should talk to the Headmaster," she suggested.

James nodded ardently. "Yeah, he'll know what to do."

Do? About what? I just wanted to know why this was happening to me.

"I'll take you," said Sirius.

We all looked at him apprehensively, as if doubting he'd be able to behave in an amicable manner after everything that had happened recently. He rolled his eyes and begun walking, jerking his head as if inviting me to follow after him. I did.

Before going to Dumbledore's office we stopped at their dormitory to get some clean clothes for me to wear. It was safer than going back to my dorm and risk being bombarded by questions. Sirius lent me the smallest thing he owned: a faded black Sex Pistols t-shirt, and one of Peter's clean trousers since lengthwise his were the only ones that would fit, although they were much too baggy and made me feel more than a little ridiculous. There was nothing he could do about shoes so I walked to the headmaster's office barefoot.

I didn't even bother telling Sirius to turn around as I changed because I could care less about who saw what after everything that had already gone down. He turned anyway though I was sure he was looking at my back through the mirror. It was natural to be curious and a little uneasy about it. I sure as hell was.

"I saw you last night," he muttered suddenly as we walked down the corridor approaching our destination. "You disappeared. Remus tried to bite you and he just went through you."

I stopped at once, not even moving my eyes to look at him. "I won't tell any of them if that's what you're very worried about, but you should know it was a bloody stupid thing to do."

"Well, I'm a stupid sort of person, Sirius," I said dryly. "A careless, vindictive bitch to top it all off." I regretted it but did not apologize because just as I was about to I remembered. "Hold on, if you saw me why didn't you come help me? I called out to you and you didn't come."

"I told you I did, you were too busy screaming in pain to notice me." He looked on the verge of snapping at me but managed to stay calm as he said. "I did. You don't know how difficult it was. All of the sudden Remus was gone and we didn't know where he was so we split up, but then I heard you ... but the time I got close enough to you to help you ..."

I hated when he left me hanging like this. "When I what," I said impatiently.

"You disappeared," he sighed. His face was contorted into a grimace as though he thought I'd say he was crazy. He could hardly believe his own words and he had seen me do this. "How did you do it?"

"How should I know? I didn't even know I could do that? I just remember wishing I could be invisible so that Remus couldn't hurt me."

"A long time ago I used to think that maybe you were a dryad because of how sensitive you were about people hurting plants and the environment and everything, but now I'm not sure what you are."

I don't know why this offended me. Perhaps it had been the way he had said it. "I'm Melody. A girl. You're cruel, stupid bitch of an ex-girlfriend. I'm not a 'what.'"

"Whatever. Im sorry. Merlin, you're sensitive." I wasn't even going to go there so I let it slip. We were standing at the foot of the staircase. "Do you...?"

"Bertie Bott's."

To my great surprise Dumbledore didn't seem a bit surprised after I finished retelling my tale. Obviously omitting the parts about sneaking out of the castle at night knowing that not only would that get me in trouble but that it would also reveal that Peter, James and Sirius were unregistered animagi, which was essentially illegal. I told him I had disappeared whilst trying to eavesdrop on a couple's row. His gaze wasn't penetrating so I felt safe lying knowing he wasn't digging through my brain.

"It is uncommon, but not impossible for witches and wizards to posses your ability though I have never met or heard of one of your caliber, Ms. Corden," he was smiling a bit when he turned to Sirius. "I believe your cousin Andromeda has a daughter with the same ability."

No. Bloody. Way.

"Nymphadora? She's a metamorphmagus, yes, but she's never done anything like this as far as I know."

Dumbledore nodded as if he knew this would be Sirius's response. "Quite a peculiar talent, this. It seems relatively simple to explain but tends to be different from person to person. Ms. Corden's ability is particularly impressive if in the change she can also replicate pain."

"I don't mean to do it," I said. "It just happens. I mean I didn't even know I was a metamorphmagus. I'd heard of them but I didn't think it'd be like this. I mean, Madame Pomfrey didn't even know what was wrong with me." I was babbling.

Dumbledore got up from his chair and as he did so did we. "It had been several decades since someone with this rare gift had walked through the castle. Metamorphmagus are not always comfortable revealing what the can do, yet there are some that like to use it for the amusement of others."

I'd probably go with the former, thanks. I begun to wonder if this was the real reason why I had pink hair, not the wishing well.

"Mr. Black, would you allow me a private word with Ms. Corden before we all head down for breakfast?" Sirius nodded, mumbling something about waiting for me out in the corridor.

I looked at Dumbledore expectantly. Whatever he had to say must been something about my peculiar situation (which I now knew something about) not my newfound power. "I'm glad to see that you have adjusted to life here and that your condition is getting better. I hear nothing but praise from your professors, but then again, that is nothing new. I've also noticed you've taken quite an interest in Mr. Lupin."

I blushed. "Yes, sir." I knew where this was headed. "I shouldn't have allowed myself to get so close to him knowing that this may very well change everything as insignificant as it may be, but I'm in love with Remus and I love my friends. Remus and I are actually engaged now, he proposed not to long ago."

"Love is never insignificant, Ms. Corden, and I offer you both my congratulations." That was such a Dumbledore thing to say. "Has much changed? I was surprised to see your reaction upon discovering your powers just now. I couldn't help but notice you seemed disappointed."

It wasn't until I spoke that I realized I had been thinking this subconsciously all along. "I'm just so much like her and I hate it. It makes me feel like I'm replacing her."

"Who?"

"Nymphadora," I sighed. I felt the treat of tears yet again. I must've been approaching _my _time of the month, too. "She may be a baby now and may not care or know about these people but ... If I stay here I'd be stealing everything that's hers only I don't want to go anymore. I want to stay here. I want to help."

"And you shall, if that is what you truly desire" said Dumbledore. "If you recall—and I hope you do—we had established long ago that your presence alone would change things. Many changes will be unconsciously done and you may not like them but you must accept them."

I sighed in defeat. "Right, as always, sir."

He smiled. "Have you and Mr. Lupin set a date?"

"Not yet, but we're planning a summer wedding. A small, simple affair," I said with a smile, imagining what it would be like. "You, of course, are welcome to attend, professor."

"Thank you. I'll await my invitation."

Sirius was still waiting when Dumbledore and I exited his office but I didn't walk down to the Great Hall with him. I walked back to the Hospital Wing instead, knowing Madame Pomfrey wouldn't let Remus go until at least dinner.

His back was better by the time I got there so he was lying normally with his eyes shut, though I knew by the rhythm of his breathing that he was awake. I lay beside him taking care not to move the bed to much and kissed the corner of his mouth. His eyes immediately flew open and he smiled at me, his arms snaking around my waist as though they belonged there.

"Are you all right, love?" he asked, the worried crease between his eyebrows making its long-awaited appearance.

"Brilliant," I chirped. "Just turns out I'm a bigger freak than we thought."

He looked terribly confused. "I'm a metamorphmagus, Remus."

Then he fell into a fit of shaking laughter than had him near tears before her finally choked out. "It explains the hair."

It's funny how his first thought about it matched my own.

I pouted. "You don't like it?"

He kissed my nose shaking off the last of the giggles. "Of course I do. It's been pink longer than I've known you. It suits you."

"Would you mind if I changed it?" I asked, my voice small.

"You'd still be you, even if your hair was done in rainbow stripes." He looked at me with the sweetest, most tender, expression as he pushed my hair from my face as he always did. I felt the urge to do the same since his was in his face again but refrained, feeling much to comfortable in my current position to move. "Just never change your eyes. I love those big, brown eyes. They're like chocolate."

Now I had a fit of laughter, but in the middle of it I came up with an idea.

I focused intently on the color of his hair. It was so difficult to describe. It was almost like honey but slightly lighter in some areas and slightly darker in others. I focused and focused until I felt my squinting and a moment later Remus jerk away in surprise. I managed to keep it at the same length it was when it was pink but my bangs had changed into something that more closely resembled his. The color was identical. As we lay there we played a game trying to determine where mine ended and his started but it was impossible to tell.

"What do you think?"

He kissed me. "Still Melody," he sighed. "Still beautiful."

"I think I'll keep it like this for a while, though it will make it harder for people to keep track of me at matches."

We laughed and I stayed lying beside him. I assumed Dumbledore must have passed the news of our engagement along to Madame Pomfrey because she passed by several times and didn't say a word, merely sparing us a casual glance and a hint of a smile.

It seemed the next day everyone was paired up except for Sirius. At breakfast James and Lily sat next to each other, Lily trying to ignore James's usual spazzy morning energy whilst she ate. Hazel was back with Shaun and sat with him at the Ravenclaw table, watching as he ate as she was, no doubt, doing inappropriate things to him under the table. Because Remus was still in the hospital wing I sat beside Lily but also beside Sirius trying to ignore the almost tangible awkwardness by staring at Peter and River holding hands beneath the table as they ate. As I saw this I prayed to God that River would be enough to keep him from moving to the dark side. He was looking less angry but a lot more sulky. I wished so much that I could make him feel better but there was just no way when I was the one to inflict this pain on him. You'd think he didn't even have a new girlfriend (I had caught him snogging none other than Stella Podmore by the library just a few days earlier).

When the other two happy couples were deep in their own conversations I turned to him and whispered, "Why?"

"What?" My voice had startled him out of a deep thought apparently.

"Why are you so hung up on me? Why me? I'm not at all special. I'm not even very pretty." It was a hobby of mine, insulting myself, even though I knew it annoyed the hell out of everyone around me who just loved to contradict my statement about whatever flaw was featured at that moment. Currently it was my entire person. Nothing I could to could ever keep me from feeling rather un-extraordinary, save for spending time with Remus.

"You don't see yourself clearly," he muttered with a half-smirk. I didn't reach his eyes but that was the closet to a smile I'd seen on him in what felt like ages. "I find it impossible how someone so cocky and generally self-assured can have such self-esteem issues at the same time."

"We can't all be beauties, Padfoot," I sighed, picking at the now cold scrambled eggs on my plate. "You got lucky."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "How many men need to tell you how beautiful you are for you to finally believe it. Remus and I are obviously not enough."

"Well, you know what they say about love being blind and whatnot. Remus loves me, and you claim you love me so I tend to doubt the validity of that compliment," I said with a small shrug before looking up at him.

"Thank you," I breathed, kissing his cheek. I knew that somewhere in the Great Hall Stella was watching me because I could feel her rage boring into my skull. I had already taken Remus from her, it must have seemed like I was trying to do the same with Sirius now. "I do love you, Sirius, you must know that. It's just that with Remus—He's different. _Everything_ is different, when I'm with him I feel normal again; somehow whole. I can't explain it but it just feels right."

"Doesn't make it hurt less."

I stared intently at my plate to keep myself from crying. No more sadness, I had vowed, no more. "I know, and I'll never be able to apologize enough."

"You don't have to. I just want you to be happy ... and to promise me you won't go looking for your boyfriend when he's—"

I hadn't told anyone but the girls about the engagement and had made them swear not to tell a soul. Talking to Sirius about Remus made me feel more than a little guilt for what I had done to him, even more so for accepting the proposal straight away.

"I don't deserve your love, but I'm glad I have it," I murmured, wrapping my fingers around his fist. "I love you, too, Sirius and I always will, just not the way you wish I would. My love won't ever be enough."

"Even a fragment of it would suffice."

He was making it bloody hard not to cry. "You know that's not true," I sighed. "It may seem like it is now, but it's not."

"I can wait, you know, until you finally love me like you love him."

This made my heart swell a bit. How could someone I had though of as a monster not too long ago, be such a sweet person almost simultaneously? He didn't deserve someone broken, and imperfect like me and neither did Remus, only I refused to let Remus go for my own selfish reasons.

"And if I never do?" I asked.

He shrugged dispassionately though I could see the thought wounded him deeply. "It won't matter. I know my feelings for you will never change, not for as long as I live."

A single tear broke through my defenses and as I got up I whispered, "For both our sakes, I hope they do, Sirius. I truly hope they do."

Before I was able to walk away he took my hand and said, "I'll take care of him for you, there's no reason for you to worry about him when we're there with him. Just promise me you won't go out there again, not when he's changed. Not ever, in fact. I don't—If anything every happened to you I don't—Promise me."

He gazed down at me so intensely, so full of love that I couldn't help but look away. "I promise."

**~ooOoo~**

"Promise me you'll be more careful tonight," I murmured against Remus's lips that evening right before sunset. Madame Pomfrey stood a few feet away by the castle doors, intently trying to ignore us but failing. It seemed no adult could look away from us when we were around, almost like we were tangible happiness that they could freely feed off of. I didn't mind it at all.

"You know I can't control—"

"Can't you at least try?" My voice sounded pleading and desperate but his wounds were almost as bad as the ones he had inflicted on me, there couldn't be very much control if he hurt himself so badly.

"I don't know."

"Try," I urged him. "Please."

Remus nodded though I was sure he thought it wasn't possibly to 'try' and as he walked away he turned around and said something that made my blood run cold. "I had the worst dream after you left this morning. I dreamt I was chasing you through the forest until you reached the lake and then attacked you. I woke up before I could see the damage I caused to you but I felt terribly guilty and stricken with grief, afraid that I had killed you. You'd never do a thing like go out looking for me, would you?"

There was something in his tone and the way he looked at me that suggested his suspicion of the dream being truth and I'm sure I confirmed it when I didn't look him in the eye. It didn't help me at all that my reaction was quite delayed. Luckily, Madame Pomfrey replied for me.

"Ms. Corden would never do such a foolish thing. Even _she _knows better."

I nodded. Her tone was one that should have offended me (though I knew she didn't agree with my love of Quidditch or the fact that I kept getting back on my broom) but I was too grateful for her saying this that I just smiled, kissed Remus one last time, muttering a quick 'I love you' and dashed up toward the stairs. Sirius stood waiting for me at the top of the first set but I almost crashed into him not having noticed. It was obvious he had heard the little exchange.

"Promise you'll never tell him."

"I promise," he replied.


	26. All I Wanted

"_I could follow you to the beginning_

_Just to relive the start_

_And maybe then we'd remember to slow down_

_At all of our favorite parts"_

— Paramore, _All I Wanted_

**Chapter 26: All I Wanted**

**[Sirius]**

I've made mistakes all my life, some monumental while others not so much. My biggest mistake was being an idiot when it came to being with Melody. I suppose when she initially agreed to be with me I was just so thrilled to finally have her to myself, to be free from feeling paranoid about her loving Moony, that I just didn't know how to express it. I wanted her, all of her, in every possible way, but never really considered what she wanted. I reckon I always assumed when the time came we'd want the same things. Obviously, I was very wrong about that.

I never meant to hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her, either, but it just ended up happening. I assume I could blame my upbringing for this particular not-so-charming trait of mine, considering the Blacks have always been notorious assholes, but it feels wrong. It's my fault. I drove her away and probably have no chance of gaining back her trust, not entirely.

She was no longer mad at me but her words echoed in my head like the sound of a bell after it tolls for about a minute, you think it'll never stop when all the sudden you realize it isn't there anymore.

For both our sakes, I hope they do.

I wasn't the crying sort and yet that night I didn't go to my room at night, sitting in the Astronomy Tower watching the stars whilst I cried until the sun began to peek over the horizon. There was no denying how miserable I felt, just as there was no denying that I was thankful to Moony for bringing Melody true happiness.

For months I found myself reminiscing about the days before she sorted out her feelings for Moony, the way things were so simple back then. There was no drama, no anger, just our stupid, lighthearted antics. Everything changed when she kissed me. Before then I had loved her, but only the way James did. The kiss gave me hope. It opened my eyes to the possibility that Melody might have wanted me as more than her friend. Every memory of our time together had suddenly become a precious jewel.

Before I knew it was December and Stella wouldn't let me go. We never spent much time together but she didn't seem to mind or notice, spending most of her days with her nose in a book, but whenever she so much suspected I wanted out of our little arrangement she'd stubbornly put her foot down, making it clear that I was not going anywhere. When we were together all she'd talk about was Remus and Melody. Stella would go on and on for hours about how she was certain Remus had only been using her to make Melody jealous and how Melody had stolen Remus from her because she had always been jealous of her. Nothing ever made sense. She was certain she'd try to steal me away as well, just to spite her. The day before everyone was going away for Christmas holiday I finally snapped.

"I wish!" I spat madly. "I wish she was trying to steal me from you because that would mean she actually cared about me to save me from having to endure your idiotic babble another second longer! Don't you understand? I don't want you! I never did!"

"You—You're breaking up with me?" she sounded genuinely surprised, almost as if she could not comprehend why, almost as if her mind had not processed everything I had just said. "But what about Slughorn's party? You said you'd go with me."

"Good luck finding a replacement," I snapped, walking toward the library's exit.

Then I saw them. They were kissing each other goodbye. It was the last day of practice and Melody was just about to head out for the pitch, leaving Remus to finish whatever assignments he had left on his own. I thought it oddly amusing how she tried to keep the engagement from me all these months. She still hadn't told me they were getting married, but did she really think I wouldn't assume that ring handing from her neck was what it was? Could she possibly think me so thick? It was being done to spare my feelings, certainly. I knew her well enough to know that. She would wait until she believed I was not so hung up on her and break the news to me gently. Knowing before she told me gave me the chance to brace for the impact of her words when the moment came. With her telling me—and everyone else—came finality, came certainty and I wasn't ready for that.

As they pulled away I saw something in Melody's expression that Remus couldn't have possibly caught. It was fear. But what could she have possibly been afraid of? She wasn't afraid of anything, she never had been. Curious, I followed after her.

**[Melody]**

I stared down at the toilet where there swirled amongst the water and rust, the contents of my stomach, or rather what had been in it only about a minute earlier.

I had been vomiting up so constantly, even when I didn't have any food in me, that I found it hard remembering a time when this wasn't the norm. As if the blinding migraines weren't bad enough (and getting exponentially worse) I now had to worry about nausea. Absolutely everything nauseated me, even chocolate! Never in my life would I have thought it possible to be repelled by the very mention of the substance I had once sworn I could solely and happily live off of. Even the smell of Remus nauseated me which I though was completely crazy. I had these weird craving too. All the sudden I was eating onions like they were apples though I had always hated them with a passion and I was drinking coffee by the gallon. I had always hated coffee.

"Something is seriously wrong with me, Lily," I moaned into the toilet bowl, my voice bouncing off the bathroom walls. "I think I'm dying, Lils. It feels like I am. I miss chocolate!" I whined.

"That's probably what made you sick in the first place!" she scolded. "All those Chocolate Frogs and you didn't think there'd be any consequences?"

I hung off the bowl, letting out another long, shaky moan. "But Chocolate Frogs are my friends, Lils, they'd never do anything to hurt me, especially give me killer gas craps."

"Um, ew," said Hazel poking her head in through the door. "Too much info, thanks."

"Sorry," I said, smiling weakly as I got back up on my unstable legs. "Seriously, I'm dying. It was just a matter of time, wasn't it? The doctors said I wasn't meant to survive... Oh God, I'm supposed to get my period this week!" I threw myself onto Hazel, clutching the front of her robes. "Kill me now!"

She shoved me off, causing me to land roughly on my ass. "So overdramatic. Maybe you won't even get it this month, you didn't last month."

I nodded. "You see, I told you! I am dying. Either that or I'm seriously broken."

"You mean you haven't had your period in two months?" asked Lily suddenly.

"Yeah, I mean, I haven't," I said. "What's that got to do with it?"

But Lily didn't reply, she just stared at me unblinkingly, her expression going from one of pure terror to pure joy.

Apparently Hazel had caught on because only a moment later her face matched Lily's. "You don't think?"

"What?!" I demanded, snapping them out of whatever daze they were in.

"You can't be that thick, Mel," said Hazel, she and Lily walking me to my bed the way one would before breaking some sort of epic news to someone. Usually bad news, I might add. "You've been puking after every meal, you can't stand the smell of your favorite foods, you look a lot more tired..."

"Are you saying I'm anorexic?" I asked, offended.

Lily let out a frustrated growl. "She's saying you're pregnant, you daft cow!" she snapped.

"Thank you!" Hazel sighed in relief.

"W-What? But... But how? That can't be."

"Well, you two go at it like rabbits," said River, dangling upside down from the edge of her bed. "Haven't you been using the condoms Hazel got Remus last Christmas."

"Yes!" I insisted. "Every time. Sometimes he even uses three!"

All three made a collective disapproving sound. "You're only supposed to use one," said Hazel, the voice of experience. "Use more than one and the friction makes them break. It's common sense, really."

"Well, I'm sorry, but no one ever gave me the manual as to how these things are done!" I snapped. I wasn't really mad at Hazel, I wasn't mad at any of them. If anything I was scared shitless.

What was I going to do? Sure, Dumbledore knew of the engagement but there was no way he'd let me stay at school if I was pregnant. The other parent's would demand my expulsion, believing me to be a bad example to the younger children.

"That didn't seem to stop you, though," giggled River causing Lily to shoot her a dark look. "I'm sorry, but it's true."

"Riri, right, Mel," Hazel agreed. "Besides, what's done is done. Clearly, you're pregnant, we really don't even need to check, my mum's been knocked off enough for me to spot the signs in a snap. The question now is what you're going to do about it."

"Well, I'm not going to get rid of it if that's what you're insinuating!"

Hazel rolled her eyes and turned pleadingly to Lily who then clarified. "Hazel doesn't mean about the baby. We know you, you'd never get rid of it or give it up. She meant about telling Remus...and your mum."

Shit. I had forgotten all about having to do that, too busy freaking out to think things through rationally.

"The latter being the more terrifying of the two," I groaned, flinging the back of my hand over my forehead dramatically as I fell back onto Hazel's lap.

"And how!" giggled River, somewhat nervously. Lily and Hazel shot her a dark look.

"We're with you all the way," said Lily, patting my back gently.

River and Hazel nodded. "You know Remus will be thrilled by the news."

Well, I wasn't so sure about that. I was dreading telling him almost as much as I was about telling my mother about the engagement (which I still hadn't done, though, to be fair, Remus hadn't told his father yet either). I knew Remus far too well now. He had said he was done making his affliction an excuse for why we could not be together but surely he'd go totally mental when I told him I was going to have his child. He would surely begin to panic about his economic situation and worry that the lycanthrope disease would pass onto the baby.

I shivered happily at the thought of holding a baby of my own. Immediately, I fell into daydreaming about what it would be like. Would the baby be a girl or a boy? Would they love Quidditch as much as I did? Would they be as smart as their father? Would they have his eyes, his odd, amazing eyes? Oh, I so hoped they would. I was so far gone in my own thoughts that none of what the girls were talking about was intelligible. I could see them talking excitedly about my news, no doubt, but I did not hear a word of it. The entire room could have gone up in flames and I wouldn't have noticed.

Suddenly, my entire body was shaking and Lily was talking to me, looking rather crossed and amused all at once.

"What?"

"You told Remus you'd meet him in the common room about ten minutes ago," sighed Lily, fighting to hold back her laughter at my bewildered expression. "If you don't head out now you'll be late for Quidditch practice, too, not that you should be flying in your delicate condition, but you will."

I rolled off of Hazel, landing gracefully on my feet. "When I'm noticeably fat, I promise I won't play anymore. My life is not the only one in my hands anymore. If I take a Bludger to the stomach the baby will feel it much more than I will," I said, rubbing my stomach tenderly.

There was a collective 'aww' as I left the room which made me smile, though it didn't last long. With every step my lightness faded, replacing itself with apprehension. The shaking was no longer pleasant but frightening and I didn't know what I would do when I finally saw Remus at the bottom of the steps. Cry? Faint? Run away?

Then he was there in front of me, smiling that smile that lifted all my worries only this time it wasn't working, I would have to pretend that I was perfectly content knowing that I would do so miserably. Remus could always see through my smiles, particularly the false ones.

I fell into his arms, immediately burring myself into his chest to hide my face, and then pressing my lips to his right after. There was no prolonging it for forever and when his eyes scanned over my face his features immediately fell.

"What's wrong?" he demanded, sounding panicked.

A nervous chuckle escaped me. "N-nothing. Nothing at all. W-why do you ask?"

His hand went up to gently stroke my cheek. "You're looking rather peaky. Are you still feeling unwell? Did you vomit again today?"

I nodded. "I probably just ate some rancid chocolate. You know I don't really check expiration dates."

He didn't seem all that convinced. "Go with me to the library, or if you'd like we could take a walk around the grounds, get some fresh air? You don't have to go to practice, I'm sure James and Sirius would completely understand."

I shook my head. "No, I want to be there. I have to be there, but maybe I'll get out of it early today. Have them run some laps then leave the gits in charge. Or, hey, maybe cancel it altogether? They'll all be down there by now. Should give 'em the option to go pack or snog their girlfriends."

Remus smiled. "You're sure there's nothing wrong? Nothing bothering you?"

I shook my head.

"All right then, let's go."

**[Sirius]**

"Mel!" I called breathlessly. "Melody! Wait up!"

She turned suddenly, her hair (pink again that day) whipping across her face. She smiled at me as I approached but the smile did not reach her eyes. Something was definitely wrong with her. "Oh, Sirius, hi! I'd have thought you were already at the pitch."

"I'm headed there," I said impatiently, desperate to get to the matter on hand. "Now, tell me what's wrong? I know you, something is really bothering you?"

She laughed. It was that forced, false laughter that was several octaves too high, nothing like her natural one. "Why does everything keep asking me that?"

I rolled my eyes. "Probably because we can see through the bullshit smiles."

She was gnawing at her lip. "I don't have to tell you anything if I don't want to, Sirius. I'm allowed to keep some things to myself."

"I'm concerned. I'm allowed, aren't I?" I could feel my face falling, my lips forming into a frown. "I saw you with Remus just now. You're obviously scared about something. Is it about the engagement."

She looked momentarily confused but then her face brightened ever so slightly. "H-how did you find out about that? Did Remus tell you?"

"He didn't have to, Mel, you've been playing with that necklace nonstop for months now, though I'm sure you haven't noticed. That's the engagement ring, isn't it? It's quite extraordinary."

She smiled, looking down at her hands which were indeed fiddling with thin chain and immediately let go of it almost guiltily. She begun playing with the ends of her hair, avoiding my eyes. "I was going to tell you...soon—today, actually. You and James together, it felt easier doing it that way. Things have been so awkward between us lately I just wasn't sure how—"

"How I would react?" I prompted. Melody nodded. "I'm not going to say I'm more than a little disappointed, There was a shred of hope you'd change your mind and choose me. I know it's daft but I just...At least you're not pregnant, right?"

"Of course not," she said quickly.

"You're not right?"

"Right." She turned all around the way she always did when she didn't know how to carry on an already initiated conversation, then bit her lip again. "Look, I'm sorry but I've really got to go, um, would you mind telling everyone I've canceled practice? I haven't been feeling all that well lately and I thought I might pop by the hospital wing."

"I can come with you if you want."

She shook her head. "I really am sorry, Sirius. I know my apology means next to nothing to you, you'd rather I just chose you, but things just didn't work out that way. You know I love you and that I always will." She smiled up at me sadly, getting to her toes and wrapping her arms around the back of my neck.

I knew what was coming and I knew it would only twist a knife into the never-healing wound her romantic indifference left within me but I didn't stop her. I could smell her breath, strong with the heavy sent of peppermint, as her nose brushed against mine. I didn't move an inch until she started kissing me, and then it was only to mimic her actions. I learned from this what it was she had always wanted. Soft, affectionate, languorous. Her fingers weaved through my hair, so lightly I could barely feel them, while her other hand splayed across my chest directly over my heart. It was a very brief kiss but left an impression on me. More than that it left an even bigger emptiness inside me.

"I'm sorry," she whispered against my lips. "I'll see you at Slughorn's party?"

I shook my head. "My invite's been rescinded. Stella and I broke up."

"Oh, wow, that's unexpected," she said, her voice laced with genuine surprise. "I thought you two were doing so well. I thought you made a lovely couple. You should talk to her, try to make amends. She's under a lot of stress being the perfectionist she is, it drives her mad."

"Thank you," I murmured, focusing on my foot as I kicked a small rock back and forth. "I'll see you at your brothers wedding."

She smiled up at me sadly. "Save me a dance?"

"Always." I looked up, my smile matching her own. "I hope you feel better."


	27. I Do

_"I wanna be much more like you_

_The way your smile lights up the room_

_I'll kick back as men flirt with you_

_To jealousy I'll stay immune"_

—Placebo, _I Do_

**Chapter 27: I Do**

Before I had told Lily, River and Hazel about my engagement to Remus, all anyone in our little social circle could talk about was my brother's wedding. It had come as a surprise to us all, but no one had been more surprised than I was. First, Pete had never seemed the marrying type to me and second, I never would have imagined it was Keri that he'd be marrying. Upon reflection it begun to make a lot more sense. They were both squibs in the shadow of magical siblings: Shaun and myself. They went to the same school, were neighbors, had gone to the same school since they were children. It was when Pete told me of his engagement that I finally realized why he had always been so kind to her, why he'd stand up for her when mean girls called her a freak, why he always seemed excessively concerned for her whenever she started dating someone. He had always loved her and, fortuitously, his sentiments had always been returned. Mind, it took the two of them twenty-two years to realize it, but at least they had. Some people are not so lucky.

I suppose this was why I had regretted not keeping my own engagement a secret, and why I was prolonging breaking the news to my mother. Remus's father was already in the know which felt odd considering I had never really met the man, just seen him on the platform at the start and end of term. I wasn't scared of meeting him, though, figuring that he couldn't be so bad if Mrs. Lupin had loved him. Remus said his father advised us to do it soon, that the more we waited the worse her reaction might be, but I did not want the drama of her condemning our union to take the spotlight away from Keri and Pete. Well, this is what I told myself to make me feel better about it. Really, I just didn't want her to kill me. At our age, knowing just how in love we are (though she'd like to deny it), she'd assume we were doing this because Remus had gotten me pregnant and she would assume right. Not that Remus knew that particular fact yet exactly.

Yes, Hazel had been right. I was pregnant.

The day I ran into Sirius on my way to the Quidditch pitch was the day before Slughorn's party. I figured that if Hazel ended up being right I could break the news to Remus sometime during the event, pull him into a corner where no one else would be able to hear, which was why I decided to swing by Pomfrey's just to be one-hundred percent positive I was indeed with child. That walk up to the Hospital Wing ranked as one of the worst ever, even after taken into account all the Quidditch accident that had had me almost literally dragging myself up this very path. I spent the entire walk up contemplating what I felt about the possibility of having a baby. Talking with the girls was more of a speculative thing which allowed me to daydream and go all misty-eyed and such, but walking up to face the reality was terrifying. If I was pregnant would I be happy or would I be happier if my results were negative? And in the event that I was indeed pregnant what in the bloody hell were we going to do? What would happen to us—to our baby—if my mother chose to disown me? Surely, I couldn't go crawling to my father for help since he'd react worse than mum being the pureblood supremacist git he was. I mean, would I even be a good mother? What if I turned out to be one of those really mean, really strict mothers who demand perfection from their children? Or worse, one of those mothers who try to relive their youth through their children? Ugh. I shuddered at the thought.

To my great relief the Hospital Wing was totally empty. Pomfrey was sitting in her office, quietly reading a book when I knocked on the doorframe, startling her. The moment her eyes fell on me her face fell into a mask of pure exasperation. The sarcastic note in her cheery greeting was, as always, a nice touch.

"Lovely to see you again, too, Poppy," I chirped wryly as I hopped onto the nearest bed. "So, any special plans for the hols? Visiting the fam? Going abroad?"

Not even the slightest hint of a smile. She merely stood there in front of me with arms crossed over her chest, looking down at me expectantly. "What have you done to herself now, Ms. Corden?" she sighed impatiently.

A nervous giggle escaped through my slightly parted lips. "Actually, I think this situation is more of a what-have-they-possibly-done-to-you sort of affair, if you catch my drift?"

She stood there silent giving me that "well, out with it" look of hers and I sighed, hoping I wouldn't have to be the one to say the 'p' word. Alas...

"I'm pregnant," I mumbled, looking down at my hands which were at the moment clenching and unclenching the bed sheets, too embarrassed to look up at her.

"Sorry? What was that?"

"I'm pregnant?" I said with a wince, looking up at her through my fringe.

She didn't look as surprised or appalled. Actually, she looked as bored by my speculative news as if I were reciting statistics from the French Revolution.

"You are or you think you are?" she asked, getting to work on gathering her materials.

"Well, Hazel and Lily seem to think I am," I explained beginning to ramble. "I wasn't sure, I thought the constant vomiting and lack of menstruation were like weird side effects from the shifting coming to a stop. You know, like the migraines? But it makes sense, really, doesn't it? That's what happens usually when one...does it. Not that we weren't careful, but you know they only work 99.9 percent of the time, so..."

"Is it safe to assume the possible child is Mr. Lupin's?"

I nodded. Opening my mouth obediently as she instructed that I must ingest some foul smelling purple liquid that would turn my pee into an unnatural color if I was indeed with child. It was a lot like muggle pregnancy tests, you know with the urine and all. Yuck!

Apparently, the potion was one of those that took immediate effect because I was dashing to loo about thirty-seconds after it went down my throat.

"What am I supposed to be looking for?" I called from the bathroom.

My legs shook incessantly if I so much as lifted my heels off the ground, the way they always did when I was sanity-shattering nervous.

"Blue for yes, red for no," Pomfrey called back.

"Shouldn't one generally worry if their pee comes out red?" I inquired.

"Yes, but in this case it's more red-orange than blood red."

Mine? It was blue. Vibrant electric blue, it almost glowed.

A sort of soft, hysterical giggle escaped me as I flushed it away. "Bloody hell."

"Well?"

I staggered dazedly back into the room. My vision was a bit fuzzy, even glowing a bit around the edges, and for a moment I though I might have been in that halfway dream state I get stuck in when I go from one reality to another until I saw myself puke up the remainder of the purple liquid.

"That's perfectly normal," said Pomfrey rushing to my side, the sick disappearing from the floor with a swift flick of her wrists. "You might want to lie down. That particular concoction makes one especially lightheaded."

She lead me to a bed and gently pushed me back. I could feel the goofy grin stretching my cheeks. "It was blue."

She sighed yet again, but this time it was not in her usual patronizing way. It startled me a bit, to be honest. "Lucky, it's your last year, Ms. Corden. That's all I can say." And, for the first time since probably my first year, she smiled at me. "How far along are you, dear?"

"I'm not sure. Two, maybe three, months?"

She nodded. "You'll have to see me once every month to check on your progress, and there must be absolutely no more Quidditch for you, little madam. You shouldn't even be near a broomstick in your condition."

I nodded gloomily, already dreading the flightless months ahead.

She gave me a quick once over then smiled again, shaking her head. "Very lucky indeed, Ms. Corden. Should you so wish, you would be able to hide your condition. The angle and width of your hips you see, they're almost perfect for carrying a child. You'll hardly show even in the final months."

"But, of course, it is still your responsibility to inform the Headmaster." said Pomfrey and I nodded, holding back a sigh. As if the weight of the world wasn't already on my shoulders now I had to worry about bringing a child into this imperfect world and telling Dumbledore, Remus and my mother about it in that very order.

I hopped up suddenly, regretting the movement when everything in my vision begun spinning. "You know, Poppy, I'm really going to miss you when I leave this place."

"Like wise, Ms. Corden," she smiled. "Likewise."

As I twirled giddily around the dance floor, enduring my brother's clumsy moves which were sure to break all my toes by the end of the song, I begun to fell exceedingly nervous. Now that he and Keri were married what excuse was there for avoiding my mum? My stomach churned at the thought of her possible reactions—none were particularly pleasant ones. Pete and Keri knew about my dilemma (there was absolutely no way I was keeping it from Keri) and both agreed with Mr. Lupin: the sooner the better. I didn't quite agree with this, because mum would not take it nearly as well as Madame Pomfrey had, or Dumbledore who had actually hugged me when I told him the news which I found both comforting and strange.

"What's the worst that could happen?" asked Pete in a soft murmur.

"Disownment," I replied shakily, wincing yet again as his heel came down on my already severely swollen toes.

He let out a snorting laugh, rolling his eyes. "That's absurd, Mels, you know that. Mum loves you."

"Not nearly enough," I say persistently. "Were Remus not infected with the lycanthropic disease, I would not hesitate, but you know she's always hated him for that very reason even though she damn well knows it wasn't his fault! I just can't... I'm scared, Pete, I'm really bloody scared because it's not just the engagement. If I tell her everything, I—"

Pete's eyes widened with surprise. "Are you saying you're pregnant?"

I slapped his arm and shushed him, fearing that he had been loud enough for the people around us to hear. "Yes, all right?"

"But is it safe?" Pete began. "For the baby, I mean? Is there any chance Remus's condition might pass on or that your shifts might harm it?"

My voice broke as I replied. "I... I don't know, Pete. I'm scared, too, but what can I do? There's no reversing this and I want this baby. God, you've no idea how much I want this baby; I've been dreaming about being a mum since I first got my period." Pete winced and I rolled my eyes. "Look, I've great reason to believe that the lycanthropy will not pass—from what I've read it only ever does if both parents are infected—it is far more likely that the baby will be a metamorphmagus like me. As for the shifting...well, that's my only worry."

"You've got to tell mum," he said firmly. "Not telling her about the engagement is one thing, but this is entirely another. She absolutely must know. She won't turn you away, not when you're going to give her her first grandchild."

"But this was supposed to be your day, and Keri's," I sighed helplessly.

The song was approaching its end when Pete abruptly stopped dancing. He held onto my shoulders and bowed his head slightly so that I could not avoid making eye contact. "This was my day. It was the best day we could possibly have, but it's coming to an end. Soon the guest will leave and most everything will go back to the way it was. Tell him now and I'll help you break the news to mum tomorrow."

I leaned up to kiss his cheek and smiled as I walked away mouthing, 'thank you.'

Remus had been dancing with River while I was with my brother and left her in far better condition than I would have thought. Full of surprises, that Remus. I had no idea he could dance but, then again, his mother had always loved to. He must have gotten that from her (Thank God, because I couldn't dance to save my life!). They were chatting by the fountain when I came up, giving River a pointed look before pulling him away, at which she scurried over to Lily, River and Mary.

"I need to speak with you."

He looked down at me with bemused resignation and asked, "Is anything wrong?"

I shook my head. "How much do you love me?" I asked, a hint of panic in my voice.

The bewilderment was greater. "More than my own life? Melody, would you just tell me what's wrong? Do you still feel ill?"

I shook my head again, screwing my eyes shut so that I would not begin to cry, but then I could feel his index finger tilting my chin up a moment before his warm lips brushed against mine.

"I'm pregnant," I whispered against his lips, my voice breaking.

He pulled away suddenly. His expression was caught somewhere between overjoyed and terrified, very much the way I had felt when I had gone up to Pomfrey's office. "W-what? But how? We were safe, we—"

"Apparently not enough." I couldn't look at him anymore. "You're unhappy?"

"N-no... No! Of c-course not!" he stammered hurriedly. I had never seen him so flustered. "It's brilliant as it is frightening, but Mel—"

"I know," I murmured, feeling my frustration heating my face. "I KNOW! God, Remus, I'm as concerned as you are! You're not the only one in this pairing who's a freak!" I spat. "I'm scared, too, but I've never been happier in my life either. Doesn't that count for anything?"

"Are you sure you are?"

I nodded. "I went to Pomfrey before we came home. One-hundred percent."

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. It was longer now; shaggier. "What if the baby's like me, Mel? I don't want a child to go through that hell because of me?"

"Wolfish tendencies may pass on, yes, but full-on lycanthropy is only ever transmitted through a bite. I've read up on it. It's more likely the baby will end up my brand of freak, not yours."

I dared myself to peek up at him just as the ghost of a smile crept onto his features, but ever so slightly. "Do you know when you're due?"

I shrugged. "My calculations aren't great, but I reckon early to mid May or thereabouts." Another of my maniacal giggles escaped me. "What are we going to do?"

"I haven't a clue, but I've never been happier or more terrified about anything as I am about this," he grinned, wrapping his arms around me. I rested my head against his chest letting the sound of his steady breathing calm me down. "Does your mother know."

"I'll tell her everything tomorrow. I promise."

**[Sirius]**

She looked absolutely breathtaking. Like an angel. It was such a beauty that overwhelmed the jealousy which surged through me as I watched him embrace her. I envied him the girl. Most of all I envied them their happiness. I found myself wondering if I would ever have something like what Melody and Moony had, or if I even deserved it. Yet, try as I did, I could not picture myself looking at anyone the way I looked at Melody, or feeling the way I did for her at that moment about anyone else. It all seemed an impossibility.

Besides, I was no good for anyone. I was capable of hurting someone I loved more than oxygen, what was to say I wouldn't hurt someone I loved less in a much worse way.

There was something about them both as they danced that was noticeably different from the way I remembered them the day on the train. Was it even possible for them to be even happier than they had been then? Apparently, I wasn't the only one to notice this as they seemed to hold a glowing aura around them brilliant enough to rival the newlyweds. They moved effortlessly around the mirror-like floor which was only because Remus was leading. Melody could dance about as well as she could carry a tune which is to say she couldn't at all.

The color red looked lovely against her skin. She had changed her hair yet again to match Moony's, it went down her bare back stopping about an inch above the silken fabric which seemed almost fused to her skin. Was she purposely trying to torment me? Was Remus purposely flaunting her in front of me? No, they wouldn't do such things. It seemed like it though. Melody's dress hugged every curve of her body from her chest to her hips where it branched out into an ample skirt made of some light, floaty material. Remus was wearing that stupid black had Melody had given him for Christmas but it looked good with his simple black suit (she must have gotten that for him too—it looked new). I hated to admit it but they looked good together; matched, in a way. So many people though so.

Her bell-like laughter carried across the floor to me sending a wave of memories of dark broom cupboards and isolated corridors through me. How I missed her! I could tell her over and over again just how deeply I felt for her and yet she'd never grasp the truth or intensity of my words. She always said she did and just how very sorry she was she could not return the sentiment, but she just didn't know.

I sat back in the corner watching them intently throughout three entire songs until I finally got up the nerve to approach them. I figured I could not hide away, wallowing in my solitude like some sort of tortured poet forever. Having her as a friend was better than not having her at all, wasn't it?

She was flushed and grinning when I reached them. She didn't notice me right away, and neither did Moony. Both far to busy reveling in their good fortune to care about anyone else around them, I thought bitterly. Obviously, it would take a while to rid myself of these negative thoughts. I doubted I ever would completely.

Finally Melody looked up.

She had this smile—well, actually a wide array of smiles—but this smile was one I only ever saw her use on me. It was close to a grin but not quite so wide, her eyes would widen and brighten and her cheeks would go slightly pink. Before I used to think the blushing was because she fancied me, now I hadn't a clue to what it meant.

She got on her toes, wrapping her arms around my neck. For one glorious second I thought she might kiss me again but that was absolute madness. Melody wouldn't do that, not in front of her precious fiancée.

"I was beginning to think you didn't come!" she said, still smiling. A strand of hair had fallen in front of her eyes and I had to fight the urge to brush it away. "I'm so glad you're here!"

"You look beautiful, as always," I said softly, returning her hug before turning to Remus. "I was wondering if I might steal her away from you for a dance? If that's all right with you, Moony?"

He looked perplexed, as if he had been expecting me to come off hostile, but the confusion soon fled, replaced by a relieved smirk. "Yeah, of course, mate. Go right ahead."

"Shall we?"

She looked up at me with a smirk and gave one quick nod.

When I took her hand I was surprised by the coolness centered at one of her fingers. I looked down to see she was wearing her engagement ring, and could not help feeling as my heart painfully dropped into my stomach. I had to remind myself repeatedly that she was not doing it on purpose, that it had absolutely nothing to do with me. She was just happy. She was just going to get married...to someone who wasn't me.

"Did you cry at the ceremony?" I teased as a slow song began.

She gave me a mocking smile. "No. Did you?"

I laughed, allowing my hand to slide slightly lower down her back. The feel of her skin against my fingertips sent a surge through me; an ache really. Longing. Wishing...

How was I ever going to let her go?

"I'll bet it gave you load of idea for yours? When is that by the way?" There was no hiding the pained edge to my question.

Melody was frowning when I looked back down at her. "We've decided on August. You don't have to come if you don't want to. I mean, I complete understand why you wouldn't."

"I'll be there," I assured her, finally brushing the strand of hair away, tucking it behind her ear.

With eyes closed she smiled, leaning into my touch. She probably wasn't aware that she was doing it, she just did.

_She's not doing it on purpose._

"I don't mean to make you miserable," she sighed. "I wish you weren't."

"I'm not," I lied quite convincingly which seemed to throw her off a bit. "I can never be miserable as long as you're happy and Moony is who makes you the happiest."

She nodded. "I love him," she murmured. "I love both of you."

"But you love Moony just a little bit more. I know, Mel."

She sighed. "Do you ever wonder what things would be like—what this very moment would be like—if things had gone differently?"

"All the time," I replied. "I'd like to think you'd be happy with me."

"I think I would be, but I'm certain your happiness would be fleeting," she was being completely honest. "I don't feel good enough for you, Sirius, I know I've said it countless times but it doesn't make it any less true. I know I'll never be good enough. I'll never be good enough for Remus but he seems to know that. He sees me as I really am, not what he wants me to be. As long as I can remember 'your' Melody doesn't coincide with who I really am, you just fail to acknowledge it."

I shook my head. "No, you just don't see yourself clearly."

She stayed quiet for a while, thinking deeply about something as if editing and reediting what she wanted to say to me, then finally said, "The woman who finally makes you forget me will be a great woman, indeed. I hope I meet her one day."

"If she truly exist," I breathed, barely audibly, "so do I."


	28. Talk Show Host

_"You want me? _

_Fucking come on and break the door down _

_I'm ready"_

—Radiohead, Talk Show Host

**Chapter 28: Talk Show Host**

I knew the day would be a disaster from the moment I woke up, I just didn't know how much. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I got out of bed and got ready, and all I could think of was that this must be what walking to the gallows felt like. Even the sky seemed dark and ominous though it had been perfectly clear just the day before. Remus had insisted on staying which I couldn't say I was all that thrilled about—I wasn't sure how my mother would react and was the possibility of my baby growing up fatherless.

Downstairs I avoided my mother as much as possible, only saying the bare minimum until my backup arrived. (How pathetic was it that I could fly miles above the ground and yet was too scared to tell my mum I was going to get married?) Unfortunately, being absolutely knackered from the pervious night's event, no one came around until a bit past noon. By then I had bitten my nails so much my fingers were throbbing and bleeding, but I was able to hide it with my metamorphmagus abilities which I had gotten used to surprisingly quickly.

"Sorry we're late," apologized Keri, as they entered the kitchen. She immediately ran over to me and gave me a big, reassuring hug.

Everyone followed suite, except when it was Sirius's turn to do so it felt unbelievably awkward. It was a lingering hug, just a bit longer than was necessary. I could see Remus clenching his jaw in a desperate attempt not to feel jealous, I was sure. It made me feel guilty. Not because it inspired jealousy in Remus, a typically not-jealous guy, but because I found (and quite frankly, couldn't believe) that I ached to be back in Sirius's arms the moment we pulled away from each other. Was this normal? Could it be some psychological thing which made me want him more now that I was 100 percent unavailable? Now that I had made my choice? It couldn't be, because as soon as Remus pressed his lips against mine all doubt I had in my choice completely faded away.

"Are you ready?" he asked, stroking my cheek gently with his thumb.

"No," I admitted, "are you?"

"Not at all," he said nervously, though grinning. I was certain we both looked mad.

Mum was in the garden when Remus and I finally decided to confront her, followed by Pete and Keri, James, Sirius and Lily (she had stayed overnight in Pete's old room especially for this).

We were no more than a ward away from her when she looked up from the book she was reading. There was something about the way she looked at me, I don't know what, but it made me panic and I ended up blurting out the news in a high-pitched, unintelligible jumble.

"Speak clearly, dear, I can't understand a word you're saying," she sighed, putting her book to the side as she suspiciously scanned over us with her odd eggplant colored eyes.

I took in a shaky breath, clutching onto Remus's hand for dear life, then slowly and very clearly said, "Remus and I are betrothed, mother."

The reaction was to be expected, but she still made everyone behind us jump back several steps. She had gotten up so suddenly her chair tipped over and her face distorted making her look positively rabid. Creepier still her face fell into a smooth mask only a second later and in an eerily calm voice said, "You're pregnant, aren't you?"

Remus's hand twitched in mine as I felt all the blood drain from my face. I couldn't show weakness, though, so I automatically fell into defensive mode. "Yes, but that's not the point! I agreed to marry Remus far before it happened!"

"You!" she hissed at Remus, jabbing her finger at him. I noticed for the first time that her nails were exactly the same color as her eyes; she must have done them like that for the wedding. "You defiled my only daughter even after I explicitly told you to keep away from her!"

Remus was about to open his mouth to retaliate but I beat him to the punch. "_I_ sought him out! And you'll be absolutely delighted to know how utterly miserable he was whilst following your advice. None of this is his fault!"

"Not his fault?" she scoffed derisively. "Were it not for him it would not be an abomination you carry inside you! Were it not for him that would probably be Sirius's child, Sirius's ring on your finger, and I would be _thrilled_!"

I heard Remus let out a low growl. Her words were scathing, making me flinch away from her, but they also made me far more furious than I though myself capable of.

"My baby is _not_ an abomination," I snarled, gritting my teeth to keep back the tears but failing miserably. "How can you be so cruel as to hurt me like this? How can you say such dreadful things about your own grandchild? You're worse than Gideon."

It was like a slap in the face. I could see that it was and her anger petered out. She remained silent and so did everyone else. There was no sound but the wind at that moment, and my heavy, erratic breathing.

"Remus is not the same person my uncle was," I said softly when no one else said anything. "You've got to stop comparing them and thinking his fate will be ours. Remus and I are perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves, and soon our child, and I know the others will do what they can to help us whether or not you do. If you want to kick me out of the house, do it, I really don't care anymore, but don't you ever direct a foul word to my baby ever again."

Mum looked on the verge of tears, but I knew her to be much too proud as to allow herself to cry in front of anyone, especially me. She did that thing where she'd repeatedly push her hair out of her face, keeping her eyes on her shoes instead of on me or anyone else. Finally, after several minutes, she gave an I've-grudgingly-thrown-in-the-towel sigh with the most pathetic excuse of a smile I had ever seen. "You'll have to start watching your temper, sweetheart, it won't do the any good."

I hadn't realized how suffocated I felt until she spoke. It was like an invisible hand had abruptly loosened its grip on my throat. Teary, mad with joy and relief, I flung my arms around her. She returned the hug without hesitation, but her hold on me was tighter than I knew her hugs to be; far more protective.

"Thank you, mummy," I whispered into her cashmere-clad shoulder as I let her stroke my hair the way she always had when I was younger.

"I just don't want to lose you," she admitted, sounding more fragile than I felt. "Once you give birth you'll know exactly what I'm feeling."

"You don't have to worry. You won't ever lose me, I promise."

She pulled away from me, looking down at me very seriously. "You can't promise something like that, Melody, even though you've defied death already."

It would have been the perfect moment had it not been interrupted by what were the two most vile girls I had ever met. I didn't even remember them until I heard one of them—the eldest—speak. I should have taken the blackening clouds, the rising chill in the air and oh so sudden absence of sunlight as a warning of their arrival but I was too wrapped up in convincing my mother to approve of my pending union, and child.

Dahlia and Grace stood by the fountain just outside the maze, both wearing those sadistic smirks of theirs as they clapped at the scene before them. From the corner of my eye I saw Pete and Keri blanche and go completely rigid. Being squibs, neither had pleasant memories of these two since most involved pain of some sort, most of it excruciating and physical.

"My, my," chuckled Dahlia, the eldest, "when father told us of our sweet, ickle Melody was in love with a dog I thought he was just having us on, but won't he be amused when we tell him she's carrying its parasite."

"It'll be an absolute riot," agreed Grace with a snort.

My first instinct was to jump at them and claw their faces off with my nails but I had James, Sirius and Remus holding me back. Mum was the first to speak on our side and she did so calmly, though there was no mistaking the loathing in her tone. "What are you two doing here? I thought we had agreed upon your and your father's last visit that you were never to come here again."

I didn't think Gideon was in on this, they were surely acting on their own or, at the very least, on someone else's orders.

Both pretended mum had not spoken and Grace said, "We read about the squibs' wedding in the paper, so sorry we couldn't make it. Although, I must admit a warmer welcome would have been far more... _appropriate_ considering we come with a job offer."

Dahlia sauntered forward toward Sirius, circling him the way a lion might its prey before pouncing. Her, long, boney fingers dragged along his chest as she did this. "Long time no see, Black," she said, batting her eyelashes in an exaggerated manner. It looked more like she was trying to get something out of her eye rather than a desperate attempt to come off as alluring. She was a walking skeleton, coloring and all, nothing about her would ever be anywhere near alluring. "Did you miss me?"

"Oh, of course. I was dying without you," replied Sirius dryly which only made Dahlia scowl and shove him away.

"I forgot how unpleasant you lot were," she sneered. "Were it up to us you would have been done away with the moment we touched ground here but, alas, you're quite essential in the grand scheme of things."

"Especially you two," added Grace, referring to Sirius and myself.

Dahlia sharply turned around toward me, smiling sweetly as she flicked a strand of my hair. She had always been jealous of my hair, dying to know how I made it pink with apparently no spells or potions.

"So, the job offer!" she begun brightly, clasping her hands together. "As you are very well aware of the Hargreeves and Black families have always garnered a certain amount of respect in our society as two of the oldest and greatest pureblood families of Great Britain. Simply put, we've come to collect you. Our great master had graciously invited you to join the noble cause. The offer, of course, extends to you, James, despite your obvious penchant for freckly little mudbloods, that can be easily overlooked. In fact, I do believe his offer might extend to her—It's all about who you know, you see."

My eyes darted to the black splotches on their arms which they had made no effort to hide from us. They were branded...with _his_ mark. Death eaters, the two of them. I should have known.

"You know, I've always known you two were exceedingly dimwitted but now I finally know how much."

This hurt neither of them, just made them laugh. "Even you, darling stepsister, can't be so big an idiot to believe the Dark Lord can in any way be defeated. You're lucky he even wants you on his side. You should be grateful to him! Pure wizard blood, it's such a pity to waste, wouldn't you say? It's so rare now that society had been degenerated by the presence of muggles and their kin. However, we shall not hesitate to she yours should you decline. Orders are orders."

I was feeling bold and eerily calm. There was not a hint of fear or anger with me as she spoke. In fact, I even felt a bit amused about all this. Everyone was startled when I suddenly begun to laugh. Even to my ears it sounded frightening, so cold, so...laced with malice, I suppose? For a moment this had me feeling like the bad guy, not the hero, but if it worked, who was I to go against this feeling?

"This is all about blood, right?" I half-coughed as my laugher began to die down. As I stared at Dahlia and Grace I felt more powerful noticing how apprehensive they now were of me. Grace's hands were even shaking slightly when I caught it twitching toward her want and tisked at her for it. "No, no, mustn't cheat, Gracie. So, blood, yes? That sticky red stuff that runs all through our body? It's funny, isn't it, that though blood is relatively in everyone—apart from blood types, but lets not get down to pesky little details now—muggles, wizards, animals, etc. it's such a big deal to you lot. I mean, fucking hell, Voldemort is a half-blood!"

There were gasps all around, both at my startling revelation and the fact that I had spoken his name. I couldn't care less, frankly.

"The Dark Lord is a half-blood?" gasped Grace, giving a spot on impression of a fish out of water.

"I'm sorry, did you not know that? How stupid is it, really, that a man—well, thing now—whose own father was a muggle, who has 'muggle blood' in him, will lead people who hate everyone else like him? Stupid! If you ask me, the man has got some serious daddy issues."

Their confusion didn't last long for very soon their tempers flared back up, particularly Dahlia's. "You will die, blood traitor," she growled.

Well, so much for buying myself time. I could feel my fearlessness leaving me just then, so before it left me completely, I yanked my wand out of my pocket, deflecting the beam of red light she had shot toward me right before it hit me.

In that moment everyone went into action. Wands were out and we were ready.

_How hard could this be?_ I thought. The voice in my head was much more confident than I felt. _Six against two._

Apparently, very difficult.

Lily quickly ran Pete and Keri back into the house since they had no possible way to defend themselves and were the easiest target, so that left us with five, but Sirius was so cocky that he underestimated both of them and was hit by them simultaneously. The fact that we were all very good at nonverbal magic helped, but not as much as I would have hoped because they could do it too and there was no knowing what they would try to hit us with. Their arsenal was much more vast, much darker than ours was that all we could do was go on the defensive...except my mother.

There was a perk from growing up in a pureblood family like hers. Spanish purebloods were always very creative in punishing their children and after so many years of defiance and punishment for it, mum was bound to have some of those nifty little curses etched in her brain. Watching her attack them was one of the worst things I had ever seen, because I couldn't imagine how one as sweet and docile as Ophelia Corden (usually) was could live through it. One in particular horrified me to the point that it made me vomit over Sirius who lay unconscious at my feet. It came as a bright orange light that hit Grace right between the eyes. At first, I thought it might not have worked because nothing seemed to happen but then Grace collapsed onto the gravel path clutching her head and sobbing. Her eyes were open but she seemed to be staring at something that was not there, that no one but her could see and was terrified by it. The girl I had never known was inside that cold, cruel exterior had come out and she wanted nothing more than to get away from whatever it was that had her paralyzed there.

Her voice sounded almost childlike as she plead to whatever monster she was facing not to hurt her, to go away, to leave her alone. She rocked back and forth, yanked at her hair, wrapped her arms tightly around herself as if hoping this would be the means of forming a protective armor.

"Daddy, please," she croaked. "Don't, please."

That was when my stomach begun churning, as she fell onto her back and begun kicking and screaming like mad, trying to get whatever she thought was on top of her off.

Mum was as horrified as I was by the looks of it, but so mesmerized by what she had done that she could not stop. It was not until Dahlia escaped James and Remus, and hit her with a stunning jinx than the connection was broken, leaving Grace gasping for air on her hands and knees. Her face was dripping with cold sweat, splotchy and swollen from crying. Remus, letting his guard down while running to my mum's side was hit by a furious Grace's Cruciatus Curse.

"No!" I cried, feeling as though all the air had been punched out of me.

He writhed, yelling louder and in more pain than I had ever heard him yell. Never had I seen his face distorted in such a sickening way. All the while James was fighting Dahlia and Grace was just laughing, at me, at Remus's pain...

"Bitch!" I yelled, lashing my wand in her direction. A loud gash appeared across her face, blood escaping it like water from a running tap. I could not believe I had done it and yet I had. Everything was real, not a nightmare. The war had finally reached us and there was no way of escaping it, even if we won. I think deep down we all knew this.

I couldn't move as I watched Grace pull her shaking fingertips, dripping with blood away from her face. She let out what could only be described as a roar and slashed her wand through the air, mimicking my words.

"Sectumsempra!"

I shut my eyes and waited for the pain to hit me since I had not been quick enough to react, but in never came. I felt the warm wetness of blood against my chest and a sort of heaviness, but no pain. When I opened my eyes, James was clinging to me, blood seeping through his black shirt onto my light blue dress, already losing color.

"James!" the choked out sob came from Lily as she dashed out from the kitchen's sliding door and dropped to the ground, cradling James's head in her lap. She brushed his untidy hair away from his face as her tears fell on his forehead. It was like nothing else was going around them. She didn't even notice I was fighting both of them now. "James, love, stay with me," she said as she slapped him to keep him from drifting off. "Please, James, stay awake. You've got to stay awake! Don't leave me, please, I love you. Don't leave me..." The rest of her words were drowned out by her sobs.

He lifted a trembling hand and caressed her cheek, shooting her a weak half-smirk. "You've never told me you loved me before."

And she did the craziest thing she could have done in the middle of all that chaos, she laughed. "Well I do," she said in a manner that sounded both childish and annoyed. "Now shut up and let me figure out how to reverse it. Severus knew, he knew, it was his spell..."

It was getting harder to hold them off on my own while Remus was slowly regaining his breath and everyone else was passed out or severely injured, but there was nothing else I could do. Finally, I just gave up on the wand work and charged at Grace, tacking her to the ground so hard that she too now appeared to be unconscious.

I popped back onto my feet, roughly drying up the blood from my split lip with my sleeve and said, "It's just you and me now, big sister."

She must have sensed my anger and bloodlust because she bolted toward the lake, obviously too dim or too overwhelmed to think of disapparating instead.

"Oh, no you don't."

I chased after her knowing that if Grace chose to continue fighting Lily and Remus would be able to take her on in her weakened state. After all, Grace didn't know how to reverse what I had done to her, and the counter-curse wasn't something one could easily mimic.

She ran until she reached the edge of the lake where she abruptly stopped. Her inertia almost caused her to tip forward but she spun her arms frantically to regain balance and seemed extremely relieved when she did...until she turned around and saw I had caught up. She was laughing but I could tell she was really frightened behind the smile and too-big teeth. Her face was grimy and streaked with tears and sweat, her hair was wild and tangled. She darted her wide eyes all around madly, looking for some other way to escape but finding herself boxed in by the water and myself. "You can't win, Corden! Try all you want but he'll get you! Hell kill you all! Oh, how I hope it'll be a slow, painful death. I hope he tortures and kills everyone he loves before your eyes until you're so mad you'll be begging him to off you!"

"Stop being an idiot, Dahlia," I called, trying to reason with her though I knew my attempts would essentially be futile. "Somewhere inside you I know you know this is wrong. You don't have to do this!"

"Of course I don't have to!" she spat. "It is an honor to serve the Dark Lord."

"You're so fucking warped you can't even see how wrong this all is."

She rolled her eyes, clutching her sides as her breathing gave her cramps. "Right. Wrong. Good. Evil. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't fucking care! I want power, I was superiority. I want to crush those filthy, unworthy mudbloods like the vermin they are. This had nothing to do with morality. Power is everything and with you in my way I can't get to it fast enough. I'm sorry, but I'll have to kill you now before you start to believe you can beat me again. Avad—"

"STUPEFY!"

It happened in slow motion. The spell hit her with such a force that it spun her into the air where she seemed to hover over the very center of the lake for a moment before plunging into its icy waters.

I hadn't thought of it when I hit her, but Dahlia had never learned how to swim.

She sputtered and coughed, flailing as she tried to keep her head above water. She was sobbing now just as bad as Grace had when mum hit her with that dreadful curse, and she was stretching her hands out toward me as if she tried hard enough she would actually be able to reach. I knew how to swim perfectly well and yet I couldn't find it in me to help her. Why should I? If I did, I knew she would only try to kill me again. Though I knew how horrible she was it didn't make me feel any better for standing there and gawking, yet deep inside of me part was glad that she would finally die. Drowning. Wasn't that the worst death possible, apart from being buried alive?

"Please," she coughed desperately. I didn't budge. "Please, Melody, get me out of here! Please! I don't want to die! Not now, not like this! Please!"

Anger flared through me, successfully breaking me out of my daze. "You don't want to die?" I asked disgusted. "And what about me, eh? You were perfectly content to have me and everyone I loved out of the picture just seconds ago!"

"I was doing you all a favor!" I could tell she was getting tired. It would be but a moment. "If I didn't kill you, he would have! Even I dread meeting death at his hands!"

"Well, lucky you, you're drowning," I said cruelly. "You sure have an odd way of trying to 'protect' me. That's what you claim you were trying to do, isn't it?"

"In a way," she said before her head was half submerged in the water. Slowly sinking, sinking, sinking down. In less than a minute there was nothing but bubbles in the space she had occupied.

I would have collapsed, I would have cried, I would have run off to the nearest church and confessed having killed a person, but that was when Grace appeared in front of me with a loud pop. She had been splinched but hardly noticed; everything must have been hurting.

Her eyes blazed as she looked out onto the water then back at me. "You killed my sister!" There was such agony, such hatred in her voice, that it alone let me know I was breathing my last breaths in this world. I would die and so would my baby. People like Grace wouldn't—didn't—care about the life of an innocent.

What must have happened to everyone else? Had she already killed them? Was coming after me just to finish the job? God, I hoped not.

There was no sound in the world as I saw her lift her wand. My eyes were screwed shut when I felt the beam hit me.

My eyes were half-opened as I fell to the ground, so the last thing I saw was Grace being shot to the ground by three different beams of light. It gave me some comfort to know they were alive, even though I was dying.

Everything then faded to black.


	29. I Know It's All Over (29, Part I)

_"And I know it's over_

_still I cling_

_I don't know where else I can go_

_it's over, it's over, it's over"_

—The Smiths, "I Know It's All Over"

**Chapter 29 (Part 1): I Know It's All Over**

**[Remus]**

_Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head..._

I don't know why Melody had been adamant about us playing this song at her funeral...and _Asleep_. I knew she had adored this band more than life itself, or so she used to say, but I don't think she realized how much we would all wish for silence. These songs brought on the memories of her echoing the lyrics on rainy days when we were all bored and she wanted to make us smile, but now all they did was make the pain of losing her worse. I couldn't bare this. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I wished desperately that I could trade places with her, with our child. I deserved death, but Melody deserved everlasting life. How would any of us survive without her?

Toward the end of _Asleep_ was when those who hadn't broken down from the very beginning, finally did, which is to say that James began blubbering like a baby. Who could blame him, really? He had always thought of Melody as a little sister.

_...I will feel so glad to go_

It was snowing in Glasgow. The last time I had stepped foot in this cemetery had been for my mother's funeral. Perhaps this was why it felt even harder to let go, because she had also been adamant about being buried beside her. Cecilia Jocelyn Reinhardt-Lupin & Melody Corden-Lupin. She had wanted it that way much to her mother's (and Sirius's) dismay.

When she was sick in the hospital, a little before her mind begun slipping, Melody had written down what she wanted when she died, these things among them. She didn't put do much thought into it after these things, and wished that we divided her possessions amongst ourselves whichever way we desired...except for me. She wanted me to have her diaries. I never knew about this, or the will in general until this morning.

The first one to arrive, Ophelia had five of them bound together with a thick, black ribbon and handed them to me without a word, without a glance; a note at the top said she'd send me a box with more of them later, that these were just the most recent. I didn't want to read them, no matter how curious I was...not yet at least. I was certain I'd find things that only reaffirmed my belief that I was responsible for her demise.

As they lowered the casket and everyone cried, all I could think of was how I'd never see her again. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into that hole and lay beside her forever, even if it meant being buried alive. I deserved such a punishment, didn't I? Wasn't I like Hamlet with his fair Ophelia? Didn't I in some way cause the demise of the only woman I would ever truly love? With Melody's death hadn't I proven what a selfish monster I truly was—have always been?

Sirius stood on the opposite side of her grave directly across from me, and I could feel his angry, accusatory glare boring into my skull as I bowed my head to sob silently along with the others.

Inside her casket, Melody was wearing her favorite dress: the white lace one. Her hair, slightly obscured by the veil over her face, had gone to the dark reddish-brown color her mother's was and was sprinkled with daisies. You'd think she had died on her wedding day. Her wand and engagement ring would be buried with her.

Below her name was also the mention of our unborn child. And everyone knows (though none brave enough to say it aloud) this is all my fault.

The reality of death has hit us all like a ton of bricks now that it has happened to someone we were so close to, and we now understood the brevity of our time on earth. We understood how precious it all was and how and how we needed to embrace every miniscule moment.

Though they tried to hide it, I knew Peter has asked River to marry him, and James had done the same with Lily. It was obvious because Lily and River never took their left hands out of their coat pockets. I was happy for them, though it might not have shown. Sirius, too, had made a proposal. To Hazel. She, however, denied him feeling slightly offended that it had only been done as an act of grief. His proposition to shag with no strings attached was also an act of grief but Hazel muttered no word against this.

All the arrangements were rushed since we had to go back to school soon. Well, most of us anyway. I didn't think I would—or could, rather. Each inch of the castle and grounds I knew would muster up some memory of Melody long forgotten, and that had the capacity to drive me mad. I figured I could always go to France were some old friend of my dad's lived...or Romania were it was rumored they would not care about my condition. Romania: no one would pry there. I'd saved up enough in my Gringott's vault for the trip and a decent flat. I figured I could always get a muggle job and just tell them I had a crap immune system... The muggles, they wouldn't spot the pattern in my absences...

She wouldn't want me to. Melody needed me to stay.

_"Remus, I trust you more than anyone in the entire world and you're the only one who knows what might happen so you have to promise me that you'll keep everyone safe should anything happen to me."_

_"What do you mean should something happen to you? _Nothing_ is going to happen to you!"_

She always knew didn't she? Somehow she always knew. Just like my mother always knew. Where they together somewhere in someplace better? Oh, how I desperately wished I could join them!

They had finished burring her and almost everyone was gone. Lily stood before me a look of grave concern in her puffy, bloodshot eyes. She must have been standing there trying to get my attention far before I noticed her.

"Will you be all right, Remus?"

_No!_ I wanted to shout in her face. _No! I will not be all right! I'll __never__ be all right! I've lost everything! I've lost what I cared about most! I want to die! I want to be left alone! I wish there was something I could do to bring her back, but there isn't and no one will ever know how bloody awful I feel!_

But I merely shrugged, and turned back to focus on Melody's name carved deep into the stone. From my periphery I could see her walking away, and I could hear my fathers voice without really listening to his words rambling on with words of comfort that were mostly empty, that I was certain not even he believed. He was lucky, he was sick and would join them soon while I would probably live a long and healthy life, tormented by all this ghastly business.

Eventually everyone is gone and I am left alone with my would-have-been bride six feet below me as I lay on the fresh, overturned dirt of her grave with my arms outstretched to my sides as if it were possible to embrace her despite the distance.

The snow continued to fall but it didn't bother me, it felt scalding hot against me. And I stared up at the dark grey clouds as I remembered Melody, trying to trick myself into believing she was still here with me. Quite unsuccessfully.

_Melody and I didn't meet until halfway through second year but I knew I loved her from my first day at Hogwarts._

_I first saw her on Platform 9 3/4 as she boarded the train behind James. At first, it was just her bright hair which stood out amongst the otherwise dreary colors that surrounded us that captivated me, but then as she lingered on the steps to give her mother and brother one last hug I saw her face. Nothing much else seemed to matter after that moment except her. She was beautiful, of course. Her face and body held the roundness of childhood though she seemed self-conscious, just a bit rounder than most other girls. Still, even back them I could see there was something about the expression in her eyes that said she was not to be underestimated, that beneath the cute, benign exterior was something powerful, as wonderful as it was frightening. _

_I'll admit it took me so long to muster up the nerve to talk to her even after I discovered she was one of James's closest and dearest friends because I was intimidated by her, maybe a little scared. On more than one occasion I had overheard offhand comments that lead me to believe she knew my secret, so that gave me even more reason to avoid her, but I couldn't stay away._

_All of first year and most of second she passed me in the hall without so much as glancing at me and I thought she didn't exist, but then on the day James, Sirius and Peter cornered me in that hidden corridor on the second floor to tell me they knew all about my 'problem' she was there too._

_Her hair was tied back into a messy ponytail and several strands fell into her eyes as she threw herself at me. I flinched, eyes screwed shut, thinking she was about to hit me when I felt warmth flow threw me and caught the strong scent of strawberries. Her hair tickled my nose and I accidentally sneezed into her hair, but rather than being repulsed by it she merely laughed. As if unable to help herself, she brought her hand up to my forehead and brushed my hair out of my face. Her gaze was so intense I had the urge to look away and yet it was impossible._

_She smiled._

_"It's okay, your secret's safe with us, Remy," she whispered. Her breath smelled like chocolate and peppermint. "We don't care, you're great regardless. Okay?"_

_I nodded._

_"I'm Melody, by the way. Melody Corden," she chirped, and I resisted the urge to say, 'I know.' "But call me Mel, and you die. 'Kay, friend?"_

I laughed through the tears. I could still feel her warmth. I could still feel her with me...

_Melody and I were about thirteen and we were in detention. Why? We had been framed! We had not been the ones to flood the library, Sirius and James had done it, but unlike them we had not had the common sense to run away from the scene of the crime. No. Instead, we stood and gawked marveling at how they had managed to pull something on such a grand scale off. In truth, it was what made the Marauders legend within these walls. Yes, by third year everyone already knew us as the Marauders and of our reputation for causing trouble. _

_"You've got to admit it was pretty brilliant," Melody said with a grin._

_I ignored her, still quite cross, and continued working on my Transfiguration paper (I would have already been done with it had the original not been destroyed in the library flood). _

_Clearly she didn't know that this was why I was mad at her. It was I who had given them the idea in the first place, sure it had merely been in passing but still that counted me as responsible in her and McGonagall's book._

_Professor McGonagall, though angry with us her best students, trusted us enough to leave us in the room alone for our detention. She knew we would not run or do anything we shouldn't. _

_Melody got out of her chair and sauntered over to my table about twenty minutes in. She stood behind me wrapping her arms around my middle and rested her head on my shoulder. Her hair was much longer now and draped over me almost like a large pink blanket. I began playing with the ends of it. She knew I could never stay mad at her long._

_"This won't be so bad, will it, Remy?" she murmured. I was very well aware that her lips were mere centimeters from my ear and that the shivers this evoked were strong enough for her to feel. _

_"It'll be just you and me for the next three weeks alone in this room. Why don't we talk about something?"_

_"About what?" I sighed._

_She shrugged, taking the quill from my hand and lacing her fingers with mine. She stared at her nails which that day were painted in a bright matte turquoise color. Perhaps even then she felt something for me subconsciously. I knew it wasn't normal, our friendship, but never did I think to question why. Never did I entertain the though that she might have felt the same about me._

_"Oh, I don't know... Do you fancy anyone?" When I shifted uncomfortably and refused to tell her I knew she would absolutely have to pry and that made me nervous as hell. "Oh, you do! Who is it, then?"_

_I had turned impossibly red. "I'm not telling you."_

_"I'm hurt, Remy, truly, I am. I'm your best mate, aren't I? I absolutely have to know! I can help you out. I /i_ami _a girl, you realize."_

_She had moved to sit beside me...well, more like on me (How didn't she know how crazy she was driving me with these little actions of hers?). She rested her head on my legs and her feet on the chair beside me, looking up at me with her big brown eyes and a sort of maniacal grin on her lips. She seemed oblivious to the fact that I was staring at her newly developed breast as I rather dryly replied, "I've realized."_

_"Tell me," she whined childishly. "Please, please, please, please please ..."_

_"No," I chuckled, swatting away her hand as she made to pinch my cheek. _

_She rolled her eyes and sat up. "Remy, have you ever even kissed a girl?"_

_"No."_

_"Have you ever kissed a bloke?"_

_"No!" I exclaimed, utterly terrified by her question. "Have you?"_

_"Nuh-uh. I'd have told you, wouldn't I?"_

_I nodded. It was true. She told him everything. She had even told me when she got my first period—completely scared out of her mind—which in retrospect I shouldn't have allowed her to do and was quite possibly the most awkward conversation in the history of our friendship._

_Suddenly her eyes brightened. She had an idea. "Remus, kiss me."_

_"W-What?"_

_"Kiss me."_

_"Why?"_

_She sighed impatiently, trying not to look hurt by my hesitance. If only she knew just how much I wanted to. "Do you want to or not?" But she didn't give me time to respond. "You've never kissed anyone, and _I've _never kissed anyone. We trust each other, yeah? It just makes sense. It will make any future kisses a whole less awkward, too."_

_I was thrilled that I didn't have to make the first move, that she was willing and had been the one to suggest it. I didn't say anything so she scoot her chair closer to me, positioned my hands on her waist and wrapped her arms around my neck, and with eyes shut tightly she pressed her lips against mine._

_It was a rather chaste kiss, just lips crushed against each other. Absolutely no movement and less than three-seconds lips were as soft as they looked, and it felt so much better than anything I had ever imagined to have them on mine. I found myself feeling self-conscious about my own. They were relatively soft but very dry, and then there was that ever-present scar that ran across the left corner. _

_Melody pulled away blushing and licked her lips. I mimicked her action and this time I was the one to lean in._

_Our lips moved together, slowly, sweetly. It had been awkward certainly because our noses got in the way at time and our teeth kept crashing after a pathetic attempt to try to use our tongues as she claimed to have seen some of the older students do in the corridors. I admit we were much too young for that back then._

_When we pulled away I could feel myself grinning like an idiot and she could not stop herself from giggling nervously._

_"That went well," she said lamely to break the silence. "But don't tell your mates about it, yeah? James'll probably kill you if he finds out you've kissed me. He keeps forgetting that I've already got an older brother."_

_I leaned in again, pressing one last kiss lightly on my lips knowing that this would probably be the only time we found ourselves in such a wonderful situation and breathed. "I know."_

_She stayed pressed against me, resting her head on my shoulder, absently tracing patterns on my back with her fingers. Her heart was beating faster than mine was when suddenly she pulled away and kissed me again. This kiss was deeper, so much more mature than all the other silly ones. It lasted longer and when she pulled away, she went back to her original chair without a word and begun reading her Potions textbook with fake-interest, a smile playing at the corner of her lips._

I could see the sky getting darker as time passed, and the air got colder but I didn't want to leave. So many memories flicked through my mind like a never-ending flip book, making me dizzy, maddening me with sorrow as I counted ever smile Melody had ever directed at me. Every touch... Every kiss...

Finally, I came upon the memory she had never been able to remember: Quidditch trials, otherwise known as the beginning of the end and all my stupid, bloody fault. I tried to keep it away but that only made the force of it hit me more violently.

_Melody and I stood alone in the small hidden corridor on the second floor, the one where she had admitted knowing about my 'furry little problem.' She wore a plain white blouse and a painfully short skirt with her Quidditch kit draped over her arm, and I a plain pair of black trousers and a dull gray jumper. She was bitting hard at her bottom lip while she fingered her Captains badge. She bit on her lip so hard that she broke the skin and blood immediately began to crawl down to her chin. I rolled my eyes as I took out my wand and fixed it. This happened all the time when she was nervous._

_"Will you relax? You'll be brilliant!" I assured her._

_"Shouldn't you be telling me how dangerous Quidditch is?"_

_I chuckled, running my hand through my hair similarly to how James did whenever he was around Lily. "Not really. I've decided to finally give up on trying to convince you. I love you regardless of your poor decisions."_

_I waited for her to grasp the true meaning of my words but she didn't seem to._

_"That's why you worry," she said in airy sing-song. "No, really, Moony, I do appreciate how much you care about me."_

_"I love you," I repeated, hoping that this time she would catch my serious tone but she didn't. _

_Melody snorted. "So do James and Sirius but they laugh every time I trip going down the stairs rather than trying to catch me...like you always do."She visibly got it, faltering on the last word and staring up at me with wide, questioning eyes. "Remus, I—"_

_She looked on the verge of tears and my heart swelled in my chest as I cut her off. _

_"I love you. Merlin, I love you so much! I've been in love with you for as long as I've known you, from the very first moment I saw you! I've never wanted anything more in my life than you and I know how stupid it is of me to even entertain notions of us being together. You probably don't see me that way and my condition would prove to be a complication. Really, I shouldn't even think of being with anyone knowing that I'm a monster and—"_

_"How many times do I have to tell you, you are not a monster, and...and..."_

_She looked utterly flustered as she forcefully pulled me to her by the collar and hungrily searched for my lips, trailing hers up my neck, across my jaw. I bent down slightly to make it easier for her and did not hesitate to kiss her back. She seemed pleasantly surprised (this noted by her cute little whimpers) by how skilled I seemed to be at this though the last person I had kissed was her, not counting the time the pervious year when Sirius got drunk and thought I was a girl. Her lips were rough yet sweet against mine, much more experienced than our first kiss. I growled, deepening the kiss as I carelessly gave into my instincts. Her tongue battled against mine for dominance until I pushed her forcefully against the wall which seemed to subdue her somewhat. My insides were on fire and I wanted to be closer to her despite the fact that we were as close to each other as we could be with clothes on. More moans escaped her lips and mine. Without realizing it, I was holding her leg up, firmly grasping her thigh against my his as I pressed myself shamelessly against her. Her hands tugged at my hair which drove me crazy and my other hand roamed down her waist, her hips, finally resting on her bum which made her gasp but not stop._

_When we pulled away finally we were completely breathless, disheveled and smiling idiotically at each other with very swollen lips. She didn't seem to realize she had been crying through a large part of the kiss until then when I begun drying her cheeks with my sleeve._

_"I love you too," she said briskly, giving him another light kiss. "I've waited for this for so long! I've been waiting for you to make the first move because I thought it might scare you off if I did... I can't pinpoint the exact moment like you can, all I know is that every time you smile or hug me or make me laugh it makes me love you even more. I love everything about you: how you talk and have that weird little hint of a Scottish accent which no one else notices, the way you furrow your eyebrows when you don't understand one of the potions I'm teaching you, the fact that you're never upset when I wake you up in the middle of the night because I have a bad dream, that you're the first to run to the Hospital Wing when something happens to me. Everything. Yes, I knew from the start that you were a werewolf but that never mattered to me, it never affected my feelings. I'm not scared of you, and I know you'd never do anything to hurt me because your so much better than that, you're in control."_

_My grin was so wide it had the potential of doing serious damage to my face and we kissed again with just as much force and passion as the first although it ended much faster._

_With my forehead pressed against hers I said, "I've got to go and so do you, we wouldn't want the Captain to be late her first day on the job." _

_She nodded as I set her gently back down on her feet. Her skirt was pulled completely up revealing a pair of very small lacy red knickers and I suppressed another growl as I watched her, her face bright red, smoothing it and her shirt back down. I couldn't even imagine what my hair must have looked like just then._

_When she was done sorting herself out, and had picket up her kit and broom from the floor where she had carelessly thrown them she looked up at me and smiled as she brushed my hair out of my eyes. She loved doing that, and I loved letting her do it. She seemed to have a bizarre fascination with my ugly dark yellow eyes—she always insisted they were amber, sometimes honey-colored, but I knew they were ugly and eerily cat like in color. _

_"Be careful," I whispered._

_"You too."_

_"I'll be back on Monday so you have plenty of time from now until then to come up with a very public and Melody-like way to inform our friends of this charming new development."_

_"Can't wait," she said with a wink. "I already have a couple of ideas here and there...snogging you down in the Great Hall, indecent exposure in the corridors, maybe some inappropriate touching in Charms..."_

_I chuckled and spanked her forward which earned me a quizzical look. I smirked cheekily and shugeed. "Blame it on the full moon or hormones."_

_"Definitely hormones. You are a teenage bloke after all," she said. "Now we've both really got to go."_

_"Good luck, love."_

_I smiled dreamily up at me. How many times had I dreamt of her looking at me like that, how many times had I caught her doing so and shrugged it off as wishful thinking. "Be safe, Remus." I noticed that was the first time I had actually called me by my name. Not Moony or Lupin, not R.J., Rem, or Remy but Remus. It made me smile even more._

_"Bye."_

I left the cemetery with zombie-like speed and grace, crying like I had never cried before.

I needed to forget all about her for a while. I needed a massive headache. I needed to get completely smashed. So, as the sky began to darken even more I made my way to a pub I had spotted earlier, the same pub where my dad had gotten sloshed after mum's funeral. I never thought I could be so much like him. I never wanted to be.

Oh well.


	30. The Ghost of You (29, Part II)

_"And all the things that you never ever told me_

_And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me"_

—My Chemical Romance, "The Ghost of You"

**Chapter 29 (Part 2): The Ghost of You**

**[Melody]**

My vision was blurry but I could see that everything around me was either white or very pale pastel tones. The side of my head ached tremendously and felt wet. The side of my cheek felt wet too. It was blood. A big puddle of blood was formed like a lopsided halo on the floor around my head, seeping into the little square pink rug by the toilet. I must have tripped and hit my heard on the sink...

So it had all been a dream then? Dahlia? Grace? My death?

My hands darted to my stomach, gently patting it to see if there was any damage there but it was perfect. Not a scratch.

What was wrong with me then? Why did I feel so different?

Though my eyes were not yet back to normal I could see a lot better now. Enough at least to make out silhouettes and determine the true color of things. The walls were plain white... Wait... Weren't they supposed to be pale blue with little white bubbles? Yes, there should be bubbles and they should be moving realistically around the walls and ceiling... Why was there a naked lightbulb dangling from the ceiling? We didn't have any electricity, just candles and oil lamps. Unless...

"Shit!" I hissed, snapping up and very nearly hitting my head on the sink. The blood-loss kept me from being even the least bit balanced—the floor spun and the walls wobbled making my stomach churn uncomfortably. "No, no, no, no, no," I moaned panicked, patting my stomach again.

This time I felt a distinct difference. There was a small, barely there bump just beneath my belly button that I knew was not there even here were I was ever so slightly...fluffier than I was as a witch.

"Let him be okay, let him be okay," I pleaded as I stumbled out the door.

The room which I had now stepped into was not the one I shared with Remus above the shop, but the one in my mum's flat. Plain white walls just like those of the bathroom, only these were cluttered by crookedly hung movie and band posters. On the unmade bed lied the_ La Dolce Vita_ bag from the day I bought the time-turner, which I had not noticed was tangled around my wrist until then.

What the hell? First I travel through dimensions and now time in this one? I hadn't even done that as a witch. But I was bleeding. I was wearing the same stupid t-shirt with the picture of a cartoon cactus asking for hugs and the same pair of out-of-style paint-splattered jeans as I had been on the day this madness begun. All of it couldn't have been a dream, could it? I mean, I wouldn't be pregnant if it had been.

Then why...

"Pretend to be passed out," said Remus, barging through the door.

Well, at least he was here, too.

I gave him a questioning look but then heard Peter coming down the hall and complied, falling limply into Remus's arms and not making a sound as he scooped me up.

"Not again," groaned Peter, sounding terrified. I heard him walk toward me before feeling his hand brushing over my head. "Yep, she'll definitely need stitches. Just wait outside, I'm going to go bring the car around."

Through my eyelashes I saw Remus nod.

As soon as the door clicked closed he put his hand over my mouth. "Be quiet and breathe," he said calmly. "Promise me you won't go mental."

I rolled my eyes and nodded. "What's going on?" I asked as he walked out. "The baby... How—Why is it here?"

He sighed. "You promised," he said hesitantly. "Long story short, you wanted to protect him and so you brought him with you."

"Him? Our baby's a boy?"

But she didn't answer my question. Instead he pushed my head back down and hissed, "Shut up, your brothers coming. I'll tell you the whole story later."

With the hand that was obscured by his jacket, I pinched him, twisting the skin hard. He let out a soft yelp and I knew he was glaring at me.

"It's later," I said significantly.

Hours had passed and I had been stitched up. Peter had left thinking I was still unconscious and Remus pretended to leave. The doctor came by once to tell Remus that visiting was only open for family but I told him he was my fiancee and he left him alone. Remus smiled at this, and rubbed my stomach.

"Yes, it is," he sighed. "Where to begin, where to begin."

I rolled my eyes. "Just tell me what happened, Remus."

"Well, remember back when you were at St. Mungo's after you shifted in the Room of Requirements?" I nodded. "They told you all that damage your dad had done to your mind. Well, we all thought it was damage. It actually turns out that they were protective spells. Very complicated, very old protective spells. Some to keep your knowledge of this world hidden so that no one could pry it from you for their own gain, others to protect you from all other harm."

I could not imagine Gideon Hargreeves doing anything kind, especially for me. Nevertheless I was intrigued. If these indeed were protective enchantments the he must have though he performed them incorrectly. If he really cared about me, he must have thought he had done the opposite of what he was trying to do which would explain the crying, and the regret. He was a pureblood, he used to hang around those in Voldemort's inner circle he must have known they'd try to use me to their advantage if they ever found out what I could do.

Oh My God.

"So, I never really died last time?" I asked.

Remus shook his head. "Grace didn't either."

"Why am I here then, and why did I bring the baby with me?"

"The baby's part of you now, the enchantments must protect that which is dear to you as well. Older magic, especially that as powerful as this, is not very exact and oftentimes unpredictable." There it was that discreet little twitch that let me know he was omitting something. "Both times it seemed as though you had died because of the protective spell. You can't be in both places at once because of them, my mum could sometimes—if she wanted to be—but it was complicated. You didn't die, the spell just made you cataleptic."

"It made me what?"

"Cataleptic. It means you appear dead though you aren't," he explained. "You could appear dead for as much as 24 hours and no one would know you were really alive. It's a sort of seizure, I think."

"So my dad made me seizure prone to keep me from getting killed?" I said, summarizing his words. "I don't know whether to think it sweet or absurd of him. It's just so much easier to hate him, I've always hated him."

"But it worked, didn't it? You're alive."

I shifted into a more comfortable position and sighed, "I'd be alive here even if I had died there, that's the way the shifting thing works. That's what happened with your mum, isn't it? Still, I am glad it kept the baby alive."

"As am I," he said, bending down to kiss my forehead before turning to leave.

My voice stopped him. "I understand all of this, Remus, and thanks for explaining it, but I still don't see how it's possible for you to be here. I mean, how did it happen? You're not a shifter."

"I can't tell you," he said, lingering in the doorway. "You'll soon find out, I'm sure, just be careful, and please don't try to hurt yourself."

I was going to ask him what he meant but he had already left.

I was still feeling very tired, so I pulled the scratchy bed sheets over my head and drifted off to sleep.

* * *

**[Remus]**

I should have just gone home; dad always had some sort of alcohol hidden about the house. I should have just gone home, but I hadn't stopped to think that he would have the same idea as me.

At first he had not noticed me. He was chatting with the bartender about how mad he was at me for Melody's death. He too seemed to believe it was my fault though he was basing it more on a hatred of me for being the one who 'one' the girl we both loved, rather than the facts of it. I had always known there was bitterness, but I didn't think it reached so far as to come between our friendship. Had I known it would all unfold so tragically, so unfortunately, so...shitty, I would have just let him have her from the start.

_Sweets to the sweet. Farewell!_

If I had never told her I loved her... If I had let her be with Sirius, Melody would still be alive and Sirius wouldn't want to murder me. Right now, Ophelia would not be mourning her only daughter, but frantically running about trying to plan the wedding of the century.

_I thought thy bride-bed to have decked, sweet maid,_

_And not have strewn thy grave_

They would be the perfect couple: attractive; intelligent; successful, no doubt; purebloods who cared about muggle and muggle-born rights. She would have been carrying his child, not mine, and that child would have someday seen the light of day. She would have had money and happiness. She would have never known that her best mate was so deeply in love with her.

My love for her was a sham, really. Had I really loved her I would have let her go. I knew it wasn't a good idea and yet I wanted her beside me. I knew it was wrong and yet I didn't push her away every time she came running back to me. Even with all that he had done to her, Sirius loved her more than I. Fuck! Even Andros bloody Vane loved her more than I did!

Sirius knew this, and his fist to my nose said as much. It was written all over the snow in my blood. With every angry blow to my face. I didn't even try to stop him. I figured maybe he would get the job done for me since I had never been too fond of the thought of suicide. I didn't even pay any mind to everything he was saying. Madness yet utter sanity slurred through alcohol scented lips, the lips that would never kiss Melody again either. I stood there silent, unmoving, just focusing on the pain. It increased with each blow and every time I'd tell myself this is what it was supposed to feel like; that I deserved this. Physical guilt.

The brighter side of this was that—if in the very unlikely case I survived this beating—I knew that neither of us could stoop any lower than we had this night. Then again, is there anything worse than killing someone? Or letting yourself get killed. At the end of the day, Sirius and I are exactly alike. Small wonder we fell for the very same girl.

"Hit back!" he growled through his tears, utterly enraged, "Fucking fight back, damn it!"

It seemed to only make him angrier that I didn't because his punches got all the more forceful. I soon found myself doubled over on the ground, being kicked in the gut by his heavy boots.

_Let me be with her_, I prayed. _Please, please let me be with her._

"Goddamn it, Sirius!" I said, finally snapping. "Just fucking kill me already, would you?"

"It's." Kick. "All." Kick. "You." Kick. "Fault!" Kick.

He bent forward slightly and pulled me up by the collar of my coat, staggering back a bit as he did so. As I looked at him the rage seemed to have vanished, replaced by sorrow. I had never seen him look so helpless, so fragile. Not when he ran away from home. Not when his uncle died...

"What did I ever do to you? Huh, Moony? What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?" he sobbed. "I helped you! I accepted you as you were! You were my friend!"

"I am your friend and I sor—"

"NO! You're NOT!" he bellowed, shaking me violently. "I loved her! You KNEW I loved her and you took her away from me! This is all your bloody fault! You won her! Congratu-fucking-lations, you bastard!"

He picked me up even higher and, with strength I had never known he possessed, threw me against the alley wall.

The last thing I saw was his eyes widening in horror. After that there was only darkness.

* * *

**[Melody]**

Sirius stood over him, the shock of what he had done obviously having a sobering effect. His head snapped panicked in all directions to check if anyone had been watching but there was absolutely no one around. The pub had cleared out more than an hour ago and everyone must have been home asleep. They were alone.

He paced before Remus's body gnawing on his fingers while every so often giving him a nervous glance, hoping he would move or even visibly breathe. He wished he'd do anything to let him know he was alive.

Finally, he saw it. Remus's chest rose ever so slightly, rather shakily.

Letting out a relieved sigh, Sirius took another cautionary look around and ran leaving Remus unconscious and alone in the bloodied snow.

I woke with a start. My heart beating as rapidly as I was breathing.

Complete darkness surrounded me and my body no longer ached, nor did my head. I couldn't comprehend this total darkness. Even if it were nighttime there'd be at least some light in a hospital. Hospitals never closed, they never turned out all the lights. Even in the event of a blackout, they had their own generators.

I must have shifted back!

But wherever I was it wasn't home, it wasn't Hogwarts and it certainly wasn't St. Mungo's. The surface on which I lay was stiff and uncomfortable, lined with velvet...

And what the hell was on my face?! Tulle?

I felt around blindly for my wand, finding it beside my thigh, but I couldn't bring my arm up. Wherever I was, was an extremely tight and confined space. I struggled uncomfortably until finally being able to bring my arm and wand up to my chest.

"Lumos," I whispered.

A dim blue glow filled the...coffin?!

Yes, coffin. I was trapped in a wooden box, lined with tacky red velvet, somewhere under ground.

_...Naturally you'd prefer to be alive. Life in a box is better than no life at all. I expect. You'd at least have a chance._

Stupidly, I started banging on the lid, yelling for help at the top of my lungs until I remembered that I'd probably run out of oxygen if I kept it up. I had to try really hard to resist the urge to hyperventilate.

_In a minute someone's going to bang on the lid and tell me to come out._

Then I remembered: hey, wait a minute, I'm a witch!

But I was too unstable to Apparate out, I was afraid that if I tried to I would get splinched, so I had to find a way to climb out of this ghastly hole without killing myself in the process. I was six feet below the ground which meant there was a significant amount of direct and snow blocking me from oxygen. I thought to use a bubble head charm, figuring that if it worked to help one breathe under water, it would probably help trying to breathe beneath the earth.

Once I had one that, I took in a deep breath, braced myself and shouted, "BOMBARDA!"

* * *

**A/N:** Oddly enough this marks the end of both the longest and shortest chapter I've ever written for this fic. Shortest if you count part 2 on its own, longest if you combine it with part one. I dunno, just thought that was kind of cool. Anyway the quotes used in Remus's bit were said by Queen Gertrude in Shakespeare's "Hamlet" (Act 5, Scene 1), those used in Melody's bit were said by Rosencrantz in Tom Stoppard's (brilliant!) play "Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead" (Act 2). I hope you enjoyed it!


	31. When You're Gone

**A/N:** I would suggest listen to this song while you read the chapter (I'm sure it's somewhere on youtube if you don't have it). Seriously, it enhances the chapter times a million. Especially if you listen to it towards the end.

_"And in the night, I could be helpless, _

_I could be lonely, sleeping without you. _

_And in the day, everything's complex, _

_There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you."_

—The Cranberries, 'When You're Gone'

**Chapter 30: When You're Gone**

The veil somewhat helped in keeping the dirt and splintered wood clear of my face though not as much as I would have hoped. Even with the help of my magic I did not come out of that hole unscathed. The dress I was wearing—the white lace one—made it impossible to maneuver a swift exit, so by the end of it, it was in filthy shreds. My hands were bloody, dry and stiff from the cold, as were my lips.

From the moment my head popped up out of the ground I knew exactly where I was. Glasgow. It was nice to know they still respected my wishes even when they thought I was dead. I pushed myself up out of the hole and glanced over at Cecilia's headstone with a great heaving sigh. "I'll bet you never had to go through this," I grumbled. Then looking up at the dark sky whispered, "Please don't let them think I'm an Inferi...or a Death Eater in disguise."

I was waaaay to tired for that shit.

My palms cupped my stomach protectively as I limped out of the graveyard, but not before putting my resting place back to its immaculate original state. That'd be something cool to show the baby when he grew up, how everyone had once though he and I were dead. A bit morbid, I suppose, but cool nonetheless.

"You've not yet been born and already I'm a terrible mother," I murmured down to my stomach, "Eh, mon petit Dorian?"

I dunno. It just sort of slipped out, the name. I didn't really know where it had come from. Certainly not from the book. As much as I admired that particular work I don't think any mother would name their child after such an unsavory character for fear that some of the traits associated with it would rub off on them. It was a brilliant character, yes, but most definitely unsavory.

First thing first, I needed to find Remus.

"Um, hi, Mr. Lupin. Is Remus home?" I asked, bitting my lip as I stared down at my bare feet. I didn't have to look up at him to know that his expression read as one of having just seen a ghost. To be fair, that was most likely what he was thinking. Bet he wasn't expecting me standing outside his door when he heard the knock. But really, as stupid as knocking at his front door had been, what was I supposed to do? Go about my normal business and hope that no one noticed me? It was easier this way, though admittedly much too abrupt.

His mouth opened and closed rapidly like a gasping fish out of water as he assessed my presence, racking his brain for what to say but coming up at a loss. I didn't have time for it, frankly. Knowing Remus, he;d probably do something monumentally idiotic. Knowing him, he had probably spun this into yet another thing that was his fault and retreat to the belief that he was a monster, unworthy of friends and love.

I rolled my eyes, held out my hand to stop him from talking and began, "Surprise! I'm not dead! Bit obvious, isn't it? It was all a huge misunderstanding, really, but we haven't got the time to get into it now. I've got to speak with Remus before he does something stupid."

I made to walk in past him, but he blocked the doorway. "He wasn't at the graveyard?" he asked perplexed. "I mean, he wasn't there when you...when you..."

I shook my head impatiently, anxiety rising with every passing second. "He's not here?"

"N-no." said Mr. Lupin. "No, he never came back. I thought he'd still be there."

Without another word I spun around, running to the end of the road before Disapparating back to Glasgow.

The moment I got there I spotted a figure at the gate, but it wasn't Remus, it was—

"Sirius!"

His head shot up at the sound of his mane and staggered back at the sight of me as I ran to him. He didn't look as frightened as Mr. Lupin had, just a bit wary. When I stopped inches away from him, he rubbed his eyes as if he had just woken up and blinked rapidly. He just stared at me for a moment, his hand hovering over his wand tucked into his back pocket as he looked me over. Had I not noticed this, I would have never noticed the blood which glistened ominously on his knuckles.

He couldn't have...? No. No, he wasn't capable of doing such a thing... Was he? Then again, was there anyone else I knew who would step into a fight with Sirius and leave him without even the tiniest scratch? No, just Remus. Because if he truly believed me dead, he'd feel he had no real reason to keep on living. Despite the promise, he'd do anything to end it.

"What did you do?!" I asked horrified. Already angry tears had begun to pool in my eyes.

He did not reply but I could see the traces of guilt in his expression, in his posture. His hand kept twitching over his wand so I took out mine, jabbing it into his chest directly over his heart. We both knew I wouldn't actually kill him (no matter how much I sometimes felt like doing so) but that didn't seem to keep him much at ease.

"God-dammit, Sirius! What the hell did you do?!"

He begun stuttering unintelligible nonsense on the verge of tears. He looked as horrified as I felt, with good reason. It was then that I realized that he didn't have to tell me, because I had known what he had done from the moment I woke up inside my coffin. I had dreamt it. It was as though my subconscious had mustered up my greatest fear in concurrence with it actually happening as I lay there. In a box. Seemingly dead.

"Melody, I swear I didn't mean it!"

I slapped him as hard as I could across the face, leaving a big red blotch that was visible even in the darkness. I so hoped it would swell up and mar his good-looks. I hoped it hurt like hell. "Of course you meant it, you bastard!" I snapped hysterically. "You're piss drunk, and you've hated him ever since you discovered that I was in love with him! Get it through your thick fucking skull, Sirius, I will _never_ love you like I love him! Especially after what you've done tonight! I don't even know if I can bloody look at you after this!"

"I'm sorry," he muttered pathetically.

"Like that's really going to help you now," I spat acerbically. "Take me to him now. We need to get him to my mum before it's too late."

Lily and the Potters were there when Sirius and I tumbled into my sitting room with Remus's limp, but still breathing, body between us. We were met by a chorus of gasps which I ignored and as I sensed the onslaught of questions were coming, snapped, "No, I am not bloody dead! Obviously!" They all jumped a little in their seats, but none of them tries to get their wand out to interrogate me. They can tell by my temper, by my concern, that I am not an impostor. It is such a powerful thing, so much that it proves to be impossible to emulate—my friends having attempted to do so on several occasions. "Fuck sake! I'm here, aren't I? I fucking crawled my way out of my sodding grave! That much is obvious! (Thanks so much for waiting so long before burying me, guys!) Just ignore me for a second and focus on Remus; we should be worrying about him right now, not me." My voice had gotten progressively softer.

It must have been his heartbeat. The way we were holding him made it so his chest was pressed against my shoulder. I could feel it beating softly yet steadily, and I could feel the warmth radiating from him through his snow-drenched clothes. He wasn't dead, but I prayed with all my might that he might stay that way.

"He's just unconscious," said Sirius, before adding upon noticing my dark glare, "and injured. Very seriously injured.

More like Siriusly injured, if you asked me. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was furious, but even so my thoughts managed to come out as idiotic.

"Didn't get the job done then, did you?" I muttered only loud enough for him to hear.

He flinched as though I had actually struck him. Believe me, I wanted to. I so wanted, but what good would that do? It's not like it would help Remus any.

"Mum," I pleaded, "help him."

James and Sirius carried Remus up to my bedroom to have my mother check him. I sat watching, anxiously biting my fingernails to nubs, as she went to work. I had no idea what she was doing, what each odd-looking instrument was supposed to measure, or what all that stuff she was writing down meant. It was nerve-racking trying to decipher the most miniscule of her facial twitches which were uncommon since she tended to keep her face as a smooth mask as she worked. At one point she threatened to kick me out of the room because my erratic breathing (a desperate and rather futile attempt to keep from breaking down) was distracting, and putting her 'on edge' as she put it. It was times like this when I liked my alternate-universe mother better; the American muggle one.

It didn't take long for her to finish running her diagnostics on him. When she did she turned to me with what could only classify as a cautious expression. That could only mean one thing: bad news. "Melody, darling," she began slowly, softly, "regrettably, it is uncertain how long Remus will remain in this comatose state, but he'll certainly not be roused from it any time soon. I'm so sorry."

"No, you aren't," I choked out accusingly. "You're both the same, you and Sirius. You've never wanted me to be with Remus. I bet you think this is the best thing that could have happened!"

"Honey, I didn't—"

"Save it," I snapped, cutting her off before running down the hall to Peter's old room.

I slammed the door shut but didn't lock it and let myself fall onto the clean made bed though I still hadn't washed. I cried and cried and screamed for what felt like hours before I felt a soft, small hand stroking my hair. It was Lily.

She, like Remus always did, waited until my rage died out. Then when the hiccups ceased and I had complete control of my breathing she finally asked me if I was going to be okay.

I shrugged.

She asked me if the baby was going to be okay and I sighed, "I really hope so." Again my hands drifted down to my stomach and I whispered, "I'm so sorry about this, Dorian, love. I shouldn't be putting you through all this hullabaloo."

"How do you know your baby's a boy?" asked Lily, curiously.

"Remus told me," I said softly, trying really bloody hard not to start crying again. How my tear-ducts hadn't dried up over these past couple of years is a mystery to me.

"James's asked me to marry him," she said after a moment of silence. I smiled, though I couldn't muster up a convincingly sincere one. My entire body was still in misery mode. "I accepted his proposal, but I think we'll wait a while. Dorea is sick, you see—dying actually. It's a very delicate time, and we just thought maybe—"

"What?!" I could feel my eyes bulging from their sockets. "Why hadn't anyone told me?"

Lily looked utterly guilty. "We thought you were going through enough already, Melody. We didn't want anything else to make you upset."

"Well, fantastic job you lot did!"

Losing Dorea would be like losing my own mum. My entire life she had been a sort of second mother to me, not to mention my godmother. Had I known I would be coming back to all of this I would have just tried harder to stay in the other world, even if it meant living as a muggle forever. At least Remus was there. Cecilia, too. Mum was very fond of Remus in that universe, and there was no Sirius. Sure there was no James either, and my brother was a complete prat but...

"I should have known," I sighed, burring my face in my hands. "This was always inevitable, wasn't it? What I wonder is how much of this is fate and how much is just coincidence. I mean, was Remus and I meeting just serendipitous or was it meant to happen? Was this whole unfortunate mess intricately crafted by some unseen force?"

"I-I don't know," murmured Lily. "It may sound stupid—No, I'm sure it will sound stupid—but ever since you told me about your shifting between universes, I've always thought of you as some strange, wonderful angel sent to protect me."

I let out the first genuine laugh in what felt like ages. "I don't know about angel, Lils, but I am here to protect you. You and the others as well. That's how it's meant to be. It had always been your lived before my own, though I hardly feel like I've done a good job. It's always the other way around, isn't it? You lot are the ones always trying to keep me alive and safe. But I'm not all that important. I'm just a messenger, really."

"That's not true," said Lily ardently. "You've always been the key to everything. I can't imagine what the world would be without you. You are so essential to my life; to all our lives."

It was impossible to keep the tears at bay after that. So, Lily held me. Soon enough she began crying with me as well. We were all scared of losing each other. As mad as I was at him, I didn't know what I would do if I ever lost Sirius. We were all scared because there was no telling what the future would bring, and not in the way most kids our age would be. We weren't worried about what sort of job we'd get once we left school, or how much it would pay, or even if it would make us happy. We were worried we would not live to see another day. There was a war going on and even though we were not yet part of it, we knew the inevitability of our involvement. We were all true Gryffindors; there was no way we were just going to sit back and watch the world burn. We would fight and maybe some of us would fall because deep down inside we knew we could make a difference. Deep down inside we knew we could stop the madness. Still, it didn't keep us from being afraid. As much as any of us would have hated to admit, we were just children. We were of age, but essentially still children deep down.

"What if he doesn't wake up, Lily?" I sniffled. "What am I going to do without him?"

"You won't be alone. You'll have us," she hiccuped. "Forever and always, remember?"

Lily and James left early the next morning. Sirius felt it was his obligation to stay and help us look after Remus since it was his fault he was in a coma. I hadn't slept a wink but I didn't feel the least bit tired, just achey all over. Bruises were staring to make their appearance all over my hands and arms. I could feel a rather large one forming at my lower back, too. The dirt from my grave was too stuck behind my fingernails to get out entirely in one shower and my hair was so full of knots I thought I would have to chop most of it off to get them out. This maintenance could have all been easily done with magic, and mum even offered to heal up the worst of my injuries but I just wasn't feeling in a very magical mood. I probably wouldn't until I was certain Remus would be all right.

The small blue bathroom in my room filled with thick, suffocating steam as I filled my ancient clawed bathtub with hot water. Not warm, but hot. The water needed to be so hot that you could barely stand to put your foot in it. So hot that the pain it caused was the only thing you could manage to think of. I knew my mother probably wouldn't approve of this since she always chided me when I bathed in water even the slightest bit above glacial. Said it was bad for the skin. She was probably right about that, being a doctor and all, but I couldn't care less.

I lower myself, inch by inch, until the water is up to my neck then just stay completely still and focus on the pain, but not even that is enough to keep me from thinking of my fiancée's unconscious body laying on my bed just outside the locked door.

I lay there in the muddy water and pretend for a brief moment that I am being made into a soup, the colorful little soaps which rest on the edge of the tub being the vegetables. It's silly, but for a moment I feel a childlike sense of happiness overcome me and the world seems to melt away before my eyes.

I find myself remembering Cecilia Lupin as she was in this world, and one particular night in when I nicked James's invisibility cloak to sneak off to the Astronomy Tower with Remus, it was a little before I had broken up with Andros. I was already contemplating ending it with him then, especially—it is safe to assume—on the days when the amount of love potion in my system was running low. I must have been at least somewhat aware of how fond I was of Remus, and that the way I liked him was much different from the way I liked the others.

_We lay on the cold stone looking up at the starry sky. There was no moon that night so I could hardly see my hand in front of me, yet we connected the stars with our fingers making constellations of our own. This was such an exciting moment for me given that I had never managed to persuade Remus to sneak out of Gryffindor Tower after hours with me. Usually, I did this alone or with Sirius, but I found that it was much more fun with Remus laying right beside me. His fingers laced with mine just felt so right. I suppose that was probably why I never shied away from holding hands with him the way I did with Andros. _

_Remus and I spent so much time together that, despite knowing that I was still with Andros, James had asked asked me if he and I were a thing on several occasions. We weren't, of course. Part of me wanted it, but I wasn't aware of that then. I wasn't aware of how much I wanted him until he told me he loved me. Back then, I thought it an impossibility, being together. Because of my stupid condition, because of his. What kind of fucked up relationship would we have?, I'd think. Half of the time I wasn't even there and a couple of days out of the month he was a wolf and I could not be with him because James had put his big foot down on me becoming an animagi with them. The bastard. _

_"D'you ever think about the future, Moony?" I ask in my softest voice. Even so far away from everybody in the castle i was afraid of waking someone up._

_"All the time," he sighed. "I can never get a clear picture of it, though. Can you?"_

_I shook my head before I realized he wouldn't be able to see me do this. "No," I said. "Things are so complicated, aren't they? I can't even begin to conceive how we'll live through this. We're at war. What are we supposed to do? I'm glad I have you, though. You always seem to make the madness go away."_

_"I'd have thought I exacerbated it."_

_"Nah, 'course not. You keep me sane."_

_There was silence for a very long while, but I felt him raise the back of my hand to his lips. _

_"Remus?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"Why don't you ever go out with anyone?" I wondered. "I know there are quite a lot of girls that fancy you."_

_"Really?"_

_"You're really so surprised? Most girl's find you adorable, say you're the perfect gentleman. They're very into good old-fashioned manners these days since it's so rare, most boys nowadays only want a girl for a quick shag. A lot of them are actually very pretty, you should think about it."_

_He let out a heavy sigh. "I can't. It's too risky."_

_"But hanging around with me on the highest tower in the castle at night isn't?"_

_"It is but you're—you're..."_

_"I'm what?"_

_"I dunno, different. I'd never want to hurt you but clearly you don't give a flying fuck in space what I think otherwise you wouldn't spend so much time with me."_

_"Cursed," I giggled childishly as I rolled to the side, landing right on top of him. I often did such random things but they all seemed pretty much accustomed to it by then. Sometimes I'd tackle James in a corridor and he'd think nothing of it as if this were a casual greeting which I suppose it sort of was with me._

_I could feel his chest rise and fall against mine, and his heart beating. There was something so utterly soothing about it all. The proximity just felt right._

_"I value your opinions," I said, "even when they're stupid." I could practically feel him shooting me a look so I leaned down and placed a light kiss on the tip of his nose. It made him go all rigid but I thought nothing of it. _

_With the greatest care he took me by the waist and moved me off of him, though he did not let me go. Instead, I lay with my head tucked right below his chin. I found myself musing how I never really acknowledged the moment he and the others hit puberty. I so clearly remembered our first hugs when his skin was as soft and smooth as my own but now it felt scratchy from shaving, and he had a prominent Adam's apple which bobbed slightly every so often. I wondered if he found my development just as odd and sudden but I was too embarrassed to ask._

_"If I asked you to marry me would you say yes?" I asked seriously._

_"Trick question," he muttered, absentmindedly running his fingers through my hair. Every so often his fingers would graze the back of my head and it felt so unbelievably good that it very nearly felt wrong. It would have had anyone else done it. "You'd never ask me to marry you."_

_"How can you be so sure?"_

_"You like projecting the illusion that your in control," he explained, "when really all you want is someone to take charge. You don't want to have to be the one to ask all the time. You want to be courted, wooed, not just dragged into a dark corner and snogged to the brink of suffocation."_

_"Your insightful on a nearly poetic level, you know that?"_

_He shrugged. "I just pay attention, that's all."_

_"Would you, though?_

_"Would I what? Marry you?" he asked. "Yeah, of course. That is if you don't marry Sirius or James first."_

_"Ack, gross, Moony! That like practically incest!" I squealed with a shudder. He shook with laugher beside me. "Besides, I can't really picture a life with them. I see James with Lily, and Sirius—well, he doesn't seem the marrying type does he?"_

_"But I do?"_

_"Yeah, I think so. I can totally picture it."_

_He laughed softly. "And what's it look like?"_

_"A small little cottage in Scotland, completely isolated but by the sea. Very green," I said, shutting my eyes to get a clearer picture. "I've never much liked cities, and that way you wouldn't have to hide your condition while Lily and I find a cure."_

_"You're going to cure lycanthropy?" he asked dubiously._

_"Geez, Moony, don't sound so shocked. Lily and I are top of the class, after all," I said, giving him a playful shove. "I wouldn't do it for me because you're brilliant as you are, but I know how hard it is for you having to go through the transformation month after month. All I want is for you to be happy."_

_"Me too. You know, I like this future of yours. It's rather unrealistic, really, but lovely nonetheless."_

_I rolled my eyes and for the briefest instant felt the urge to kiss him. I didn't though, the urge was so fleeting I hardly even noticed it. "Maybe so. I just want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter where we end up you'll always have me regardless of whether we get married or not."_

_"You promise?"_

_"I promise."_

Only I could manage to fall asleep in a bathtub. Luckily I didn't drown. I figured that my mum must've thought I'd try something stupid in the bathroom and went in to check up on me. I lay on my bed beside Remus, wrapped in a fluffy bathrobe when I woke up. My hair was almost dry and very frizzy, it had left my pillow soaked. I curled up into Remus's side resting my head on his chest to listen to his heartbeat.

It was steady. It was strong.

"Come back to me."

* * *

**A/N #2:** I really haven't a clue as to what to say about this chapter other than that writing it was a very depressing experience and made me very dizzy (though this is probably due to the dreadful yellowish light in the room and the late hour). I still haven't got a fixed number of how many chapters are left but the very most I see it going is up to chapter 40. I hope that this chapter was at least intelligible and did not reflect my insomniac state (first I was up studying for Poli Sci, then when I was done this chapter would not let me sleep until I got it done and let me tell you I type at a positively glacial pace. Seriously, it's pathetic like you don't even know). So, in a very zombie-like manner, I bid you goodnight, good day good morning, whatever and most ardently thank you for trekking this out and—if you read through this—putting up with my insanity. I seriously love each and every one of you lovely readers. Lots! xo


	32. In My Place

_"If you go, if you go_

_And leave me down here on my own_

_Then I'll wait for you"_

—Coldplay, "In My Place"

**Chapter 31: In My Place**

**_FOUR MONTHS LATER_**

**_19 APRIL 1978_**

_"SIRIUS, YOU STUPID GIT, IT'S RIGHT UNDER YOUR RUDDY NOSE!"_ I shouted over the crying cheers of my fellow Gryffindors who were clearly too daft to see what a blind idiot Sirius bloody Black was. To be fair, all their attention was directed at our Keeper Cyril Graham who was doing an absolutely ace job protecting the hoops, often working in sync with Foster Valora and Beck (who still owed me my money, by the way, the bastard), our Beaters, by rebounding the Bludger off the tail of his broom at the opposing Chasers. It was fairly brilliant, even I had to admit so. Still, stupid Sirius... He had to catch that stupid Snitch while we were ahead because by the looks of it those damn clever Ravenclaws were catching on to our tricks and devising retaliation. _"DAMMIT, SIRIUS, IT'S RIGHT THERE! LOOK YOU IDIOT!"_

He actually heard me this time and shot me what one would assume had been an attempt at a dirty look though we all knew he wouldn't dare be the least bit foul with me now that he was treading the dangerous waters that lead to my forgiving him for almost killing my fiancee. Truth is, I know I shouldn't have given him the option of forgiveness, but he's my mate, you know? I need him as much as I need James and the rest of the lot. I knew, too well, that he had been forgiven far too many times for such mercy/leniency on my part but I still gave it to him. We need friends more than ever in times like these and if I had gone on hating him I would have felt terribly guilty if something happened to him one day. It probably makes no sense to anyone but me, but that's the way it goes.

_"PUSH HARDER! COOPER IS GAINING ON YOU!"_

Hazel and Lily forced me back down and chided me for my fierce behavior, going on about how it would probably be bad for the baby. Psh, yeah right. If anything my yelling would help the baby, mon petit Dorian, understand what not to do in the final match of the bloody season in your final bloody year at school. You couldn't blame me for my annoyance. Minerva Leigh Cooper was, after all, a tiny sort of hen-shaped fourth year with buggy eyes that looked even bigger behind her ridiculously large spectacles. It would be an embarrassment not only to Sirius, but to all us Gryffindors if he allowed her, of all people, to catch the Snitch before he did. She was riding a Swiftstick for fuck sake! Those things were positively ancient!

Suddenly the crowd rose with a giant cheer as James scored (a brilliant goal, mind) at the very same moment Sirius zoomed past Cooper and caught the Snitch which only made us all shout louder.

230 to 70! So, so close, but we won! We really won!

Lily and I were bouncing about like idiots more than anyone else, though soon Hazel joined in. It was a desperate attempt to avoid watching Peter and River as they snogged each others faces off in the most awkward way any of is had ever seen. It was both horrifying/revolting and hilarious, but cute nonetheless. Because they were happy, you know? By all means, snog away my cartoon-esque mates. If it'll keep Pete away from the dark side, I'm quite alright with it. River could, for all I care shag Pete in the middle of a snowstorm if it's keep him away from joining the Death Eaters. It's her. She's definitely the key to all of this. River is what will keep Peter Pettigrew on our side. And here I was thinking it would take a lot of effort on my part. Ha!

As we ran down to the pitch to jump all about with our victorious chums, Dorian was kicking away, though it was unsure as to whether he was doing it out of happiness or annoyance at his mad but lovely mother. If the latter, the little bugger already knew me far too well. I just hoped it didn't discourage him from popping out.

The date was rapidly approaching and I was trying not to think about it too much for two very important reasons. The first: the more I thought about it, the more I was likely to think that I had been without Remus for almost my entire pregnancy which was very, very sad. The second: I was scared bloody shitless, to be quite honest. I mean, hello! Do you know where baby's come from? Do you know from _where_ they come out?! My mum told me countless time how it wasn't as bad as it sounded but I could tell she was lying. How could it not be so bad? I still failed to see how giving birth would be physically possible, let alone how it could possibly be pain-free.

River didn't make me feel any better.

"Baby's have fingernails, right?" she had said one afternoon, not long ago. I nodded, eyeing her suspiciously uncertain of where this question was headed. She seemed to gage my confusion and after a brief pensive moment asked, "Well, does that mean the baby could, like, scratch you on the way out?"

There was a collective groan of "River!" and I buried my head in my pillow moaning miserably, barely able to make out as Hazel said, sounding queasy, "That's gruesome."

Really, it was just easier not to think about it. Though it was like everybody wanted me to. If it wasn't River's bizarre and disturbing questions, it was Dorian's kicking or the my gawking peers who seemed to think pregnancy was contagious and therefore though it best to keep at least a good two feet away from me. Not to mention that I had to take my N.E.W.T.s two month in advance since Madame Pomfrey had calculated that my young lad would be popping out sometime around mid May when the exams generally take place.

Not one of my finest moments, let me tell you. I felt did quite well, certainly, but I had never been more stressed in my life. And I had thought O.W.L.s were bad! No wonder the decided to call them Nauseatingly exhausting. Too right they were.

Every day before an exam I'd look down at my stomach and mutter, "Excellent timing, sweetheart." This only made Dorian wriggle around as if telling me to get over it. As if throwing my own words back at me rather appropriately. It was I, after all, who had decided to become enthusiastically sexually active in what could be the most important year of my life since it for determines wether I'm too crap for a Ministry job or not. I'm dumbing it down, of course.

I suppose the highlight of this particularly glorious Saturday was watching as my team tried to hoist me into the air despite my condition and protests. After about the fifth attempt they finally gave up and made due with hoisting up the Cup: yet another bulky thing though not nearly as heavy as me. Gosh, who would have thought I could ever be so fat. I wasn't even this fat as a muggle! C'est la vie, right? I just prayed to any deity that would listen that I got my figure back. I quite fancied my figure. Not too thin, not to fat. I had a wait and ankles! I could actually look down at my feet! No, not really, I'm exaggerating. I wasn't terribly fat which I guess I owed to my mother for being kind enough for passing down the Corden women hip gene. Madame Pomfrey says I've got the perfect hips for bearing children, and that I was quite lucky.

Still, I didn't feel lucky or even relatively attractive when my bloke wasn't constantly by my side, but rather lying unconscious on a hospital bed. This happened to us far too often for my liking. Only last time he had landed himself at St. Mungo's I had been unconscious through it, then later could hardly remember him. This, having gained back most (if not all) of my prior knowledge, made the situation exponentially worse.

In Gryffindor Tower while the celebration was in full swing down in the common room I was in the dormitory, rummaging through my trunk for my two-way mirror. Remus and I had our own set which he, James and Sirius had made for me for my sixteenth birthday but had never given to me. Mum currently had the one that was supposed to be Remus's. It was the only way I could obsessively check up on him.

I found it at the very bottom of my messy trunk wrapped in what looked like my very first set of school robes though what thy were doing here and not at home I had no idea. It was shocking how much I had grown, even though I still felt incredibly short. James always said it was just because I spent so much time with them and they were freakishly tall, but that I was actually average height for a girl unlike Peter who was about an inch shorter than me and much to small for a bloke.

I wiped the two-way mirror clean with the robes and the said, in my clearest voice, "Ophelia Corden."

The mirror's surface begun to ripple the way water did when you touched it, slowly gathering colors and forming an image. This was the closest, I thought, the wizarding world would ever get to having something even remotely similar to television.

"How is he?" I asked the moment my mother's face appeared in behind the glass.

She looked very tired. "He was muttering nonsense again this morning," she explained with a long, shaky yawn. I found myself wondering when the last time she had gotten a good night's sleep was. Judging from the bruise-like coloring beneath her eyes it couldn't have been that recently. "How was the game? You didn't get al riled up again like you did in the semi-finals, did you?"

I rolled my eyes, impatiently replying. "The game was great, mum. We won. Just tell me, is he well? The muttering, is that normal? What does that mean?"

I could see her narrow shoulders lift up in a shrug. "I'm not sure what it means—it's been years since my medical training, love—only that he's been doing it more often these last few weeks. He is quite well—perfect, in fact, according to my diagnostics."

"Do you think...?" I begun hopefully.

"I can't be sure. It can sometimes take years for a person to wake from a coma, and, though I know you don't want to hear it, they sometimes never do. He is absolutely capable of snapping out of it since all the damage from when he was brought in has healed, but there's no guessing whether he will or not."

I nodded crestfallen. I tried to hide my disappointment for my mother's sake but what was the point of it really when everyone knew just how much I was hurting? Especially her. "Look, seeing as it's Saturday and all, do you think it'd be all right to pop by. It's been ages and I really want to see him. Can I, please, mum?"

She sighed, swatting a couple of stray hairs from her face but failing to keep them away. "Oh, very well then, but use the Floo at the Three Broomsticks; I don't want you Apparating now that you're so far along. Splinching is more likely to happen in your third trimester, or so I've read."

"Gruesome," I said with a shudder, using Hazel's word from before.

She rolled her eyes, looking even more tired that she had at the beginning of this conversation. "Have someone accompany you, just in case something happens."

"Right, of course. I'll ask Lily, though I reckon James will be wanting to tag along as well."

"See you in a bit then."

"Yep."

Remus was just as I had left him on my last visit several weeks ago, all peaceful and still. I pressed his lips against his chapped, immobile ones as I always did in hopes of a response. I had always figured that if it always worked in fairy tales it must've been for a reason, and thus might work outside them too, but my kisses never woke him. There was never any response other than his soft, rhythmic breathing that gave off the illusion that he was just asleep. As I pulled away after every kiss I'd remind him, in a voice not loud enough to reach the others, that he had promised never to leave me. Not even the smallest hint of change or understanding on his features. Ever. I always tried regardless. I always made an effort to try to bring him back rather than just standing by and waiting the way everyone else did.

I sat by Remus's side taking his hand in mine to raise it up to my lips, grazing his knuckles with them. I updated him on school and our friends; how everyone way and about us winning the game (excluding the bits about my completely mental shouting which Lily filled him in about anyway). I told him about the baby and how I knew it was a boy and that I had decided to name him Dorian, partly in honor of Dorea, partly because it had just struck me as a good name.

"Though you probably know, don't you?" I chuckled sadly, leaning down to rest my head against his shoulder.

I told him I had survived through my N.E.W.T.s. I told him about how much we missed him, and when I set his hand on my stomach Dorian went all hyper and spazzy the way he usually reserved for moments when really good music was playing or I was especially happy.

"He recognizes you, Remy," I choked out softly. The old nickname sounded odd but nevertheless welcomed. "He knows you're his dad. Isn't it wonderful? Of course, it'd be even better if you were here completely. If you could see how fat Dorian's made me."

Lily, James and mum laughed. Even I managed a slight chuckle, though it admittedly sounded more like a cough.

"We do all miss you, Remus," said Lily beside me as she wrapped her arm around my shoulders.

"And Sirius really regrets what he did to you, mate," added James from behind us. "Hasn't stop beating himself about it since. Come back, Moony. It just isn't the same without you."

I smiled up at them and they gave me a warm, sympathetic hug just before my mum asked them if her politest tone if they could give us a moment alone to talk. They nodded and walked out, looking as puzzled as I felt. I mean, really, what was there that she could possibly say to me that she hadn't already? I knew she wasn't thrilled about our union, but that she had grudgingly accepted it. I knew that she wished I had chosen Sirius. I knew she thought Remus, the baby and I would be screwed, cast out as freaks. Blah. Blah. Blah. It was all too much like a broken record.

I could see her mentally counting down which, I'll admit, was worrisome and made me rather uneasy.

3...2...1...

The she blurted out, "Dahlia's committed suicide."

What the fuck? Where had that come from?

Naturally, by Dahlia she couldn't possible mean the one I had (accidentally?) killed so many months ago, but rather her and Grace's mother. Dahlia Hargreeves a.k.a my stepmother.

I didn't say anything. Really, I couldn't understand why she could have possibly felt it was her only option. I meant, Dahlia. From the looks of it, I'd have said she was perfectly content with her life. She seemed to have had everything she had ever wanted: wealth, status, influential connections... Her suicide certainly wasn't because her daughters had joined whatshisface. After all, Dahlia was a pure-blood supremacist through and through, not a closet muggle sympathizer like my dear father. I reckon it wasn't too shocking. I mean, she had always seemed more than a tad bit unstable to me in the bipolar sort of way.

"And you're telling me this because...?"

She shrugged. "I had a responsibility to do so, didn't I? She was your stepmother."

I eyed her suspiciously. "Well, that's obviously a load of bullshit. It's not that, is it? No. You were going to tell me something else but completely chickened out." Ah-ha, there it was! I'd caught her! "Out with it then."

When she looked back up at me it was with one of her "death glares." Totally Medusa quality.

She hesitated momentarily then said, "Are you positive it's Remus you want?"

Ugh, not this again! I could already feel my temper rising.

"Well, I certainly don't want Sirius if that's where you're headed with this!"

She looked desperately out of her element, like she was trying to talk to Pete instead of me. Awkward, even, as fidgeted with the sleeves of her lime green robes. "I wasn't. I-I'm just no good at this," she huffed, rubbing her temples. "Let's not fight. I'm really not trying to upset you."

"Whatever," I muttered. Then after a brief silence grudgingly added, "Yes, I'm sure I want Remus. Forever, mum, and I mean it."

"I suppose I always knew you did. _Everyone_ knew you loved him far before you realized it...but you understand why the prospect of the two of you has always frightened me, don't you?" I nodded. "I admit you were right. I was terribly unfair to Remus; to both of you. You two are just so different from everyone else, and I feared that together you'd be less accepted by society. It's not your fault you are the way you are so, really, you shouldn't be judged by it, for it..."

"Remus shouldn't either. He didn't ask to be a werewolf—no sane person would. No one should be judged for that."

Mum sighed. "Because even in the magical world that which is different and strange; that which is not the norm is unacceptable," she said, sounding genuinely appalled by the truth of her words. "I just want you to know that you needn't worry. I will love Remus and you child as I should have from the very beginning. The three of you will be well taken care of, I shall see to it that you are."

"You aren't dying, too, are you?" I asked warily, breaking from her embrace. "This isn't that making-amends-and-setting-everything-right rubbish that most people do when they know they're going to die, is it?"

She shook her head laughing. "Certainly not. You're still stuck wit me, I'm afraid."

"Mum," I asked, sobering from the giggles. "Do you think Dorian will be like Remus? You know about the lycanthropy? I mean, can the condition pass to offspring?"

"Most do," she informed me sadly. "Then again, most only reproduce with other werewolves. It is not common, this pairing. However, it is more likely that your particular brand of odd will pass onto him. The metamorphosizing. I wouldn't be surprised if wolfish characteristics are passed, however; small things like a penchant for rare meat and heightened senses."

"Mum?"

She looked back up at me from her notes. "When I, um, shifted, I...I, ah, sort of..."

"What?"

"I kinda sorta took Dorian with me," I explained, watching as her eyes widened. "Do you think he'll be all right? It'd be—I don't want him to be like me. I don't want him to have to wake up every morning and where he is, to find that moments of his life are missing. I would so rather that he were like Remus if it meant that he'd be free of this. I'm scared. He shouldn't have to deal with it just because I do. What if by taking him with me I've made him like me?"

"I don't know, sweetheart," she said frowning. "I really don't know. Yours is not a common condition. It is the work of Unspeakables not Healers. There are so many aspects to it and, from what I know of it, it does not manifest the same in each person. Your case is quite different from Cecilia Lupin's, for instance, and—"

"But it's only because of the protective charms dad cast on me," I blurted out.

She looked rather taken aback by this. "Prote—How do you know about that?"

"It's why you two separated, isn't it? It had nothing to do with your problems, but with me."

Angry now, she growled, "It wasn't you, but what he did. He made the decision without consulting me first. He knew full well that this old magic is very temperamental. He knew it could kill you if performed incorrectly. Nearly drove you mad, didn't it? He insisted it would do you more good than harm, but I couldn't stand seeing you suffer like that. He though using memory charms on you to get rid of the other would would appease me, but—"

"It only did the exact opposite," I mused with a soft, almost bitter chuckle. "Sometimes...sometimes I wonder if I really have gone mad. There's so much of this world that still makes little to no sense to me. Most of the time it's like I'm trapped in a dream that has no end, that I can't possibly ever wake from. Everything blurs."

"Well, what feels real?" she asked, softly brushing my hair away from my face with the back of her hand.

"Remus," I sighed sadly, gazing down at his smooth, serene expression. Crying wouldn't help him, no matter ow much I felt like doing so. Nothing I could possibly do could help him. All I could do was wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. "Always Remus—no matter where I am. Now that he's not with me I feel like I'm losing my grip on things more and more with every passing second. I don't just love him, mum, I _need_ him."

There was a brief silence in which my heavy breathing seemed the only sound in the room. Suddenly, a hand that was not my mother's was clutching desperately to mine.

I knew who it was, I could just hardly believe it. I knew every callus and scar on that palm which made my hand seem tiny in comparison. I couldn't believe it and yet I didn't want to think about it; I didn't want to wonder whether or not it was real. It was Remus, and Remus was always felt real.

His eyes were wide, all pupil; pitch-black. He was breathing as if he'd just been pulled out of freezing water, gasping and coughing uncontrollably. His hands groped his surroundings madly until they found my face and he pulled me to him with such desperate hunger it perfectly mirrored all the longing I had felt while he was gone.

It was still a while after we pulled away that either of us spoke since my mother was trying with all her might to pry me away from him and get me to stop crying. She said she needed to run test again and, far less seriously, that I'd frighten him back into a coma. Still, Remus didn't seem to be making much effort to pull apart either.

"I promised, didn't I?" he murmured into my hair. His voice was hoarse and croaky with disuse.

Though back to their normal lovely color his eyes were still wide and excited, now glittering with the threatening tears. I had never really seen him cry and from the looks of it, he probably never wanted me to. "I saw her, Melody. I saw my mum,"

"I know," I whispered, "and you saw me."

"I saw you," he said with a nod, a small smile across his lips. I didn't realize just how much I had missed that smile until then, until I was seeing it again, "and you were just as beautiful."

My laugh was shaky and I could only see his blurred silhouette through my tears. "Liar."


	33. Sea of Love

**Disclaimer:** Some of the dialogue at the wedding (the vows) taken in part from _Deathly Hallows_.

* * *

_"Do you remember_

_When we met_

_That's the day_

_I knew you were mine"_

—Cat Power, "Sea of Love"

**Chapter 32: Sea of Love**

_**TWO MONTHS LATER**_

_**2 MAY 1978**_

"I hate you!"

My shrill shrieks echoed throughout the room and, very likely, the rest of the floor as well. Wasn't the pain of childbirth supposed to be a cruel rumor? At least that's what my mum had told be about a week before this very moment. Only now did I realize that it had just been a desperate attempt on her part to placate me. Thanks mum, thanks a million!

Remus was looking down at me with a look of sheer terror and guilt as I went to what felt like my millionth hour of labor. Why couldn't Dorian just shoot out of there like a bullet or something? Why did it have to take so long? In movies it always seemed like such a quick thing. Painful, sure, I totally got that, but I had also hoped it would be quick. Like Keri's mum for instance had Keri in the corridor as they were steering her to her room. Just like that. She said she hardly felt it. Mum said she needed a shit-load of stitches after me, but she only saved that information until the exact moment when Dorian had finally decided he wanted to grace us with his presence.

"The heads out," said the Healer that was delivering Dorian. I had never seen him before and I couldn't remember his name. Even preoccupied with the pain of trying to get Dorian out, I couldn't help but feel self-conscious that this strange man and my dearest and closest mates were getting a full look at my junk. I should have made them leave.

"God, I hate you, Remus!" I shouted for the umpteenth time. "You did this to me, you bastard! You have no idea what I'm going through!" This followed by yet another rather impressive string of creatively assembled obscenities.

"They always say that," the Healer assured Remus, "especially on the first go."

"Oh, do shut up," I spat at him. "You're not exactly making this any easier."

I whined between big breaths and pushes. Oddly enough, I hadn't shed a single tear. "Get him out! Get him out! Get him OUT! NOW!"

My grip on Remus's hand was never quite tight enough, even when I noticed the tips of his fingers turning a blackish shade of purple and heard him trying to suppress voicing his agony. The most sound I'd gotten out of him since this whole ordeal had begun were just a couple of hisses and choked back growls, not unlike those of our snogging-in-broom-cupboards era. God, how I was beginning to miss those days! Those days when I was still big enough of an idiot to believe I couldn't possibly get pregnant if we just kept things brief. Big mistake. Obviously.

The mood swings were the worst, mostly because I had no control over them.

"C'mon, Melody," said the Healer encouragingly, "Give us just a couple more big pushes."

I couldn't imagine what it must have looked like from a spectator's point of view, but I was certain it wasn't pretty. I just hoped that I wouldn't stay this fat. After months not being able to see them when I looked down due to the huge obstruction protruding from my bellybutton, I longed for the sight of my feet. Something I never would have though possible, even when I was indeed fat.

"Gruesome," I heard Hazel comment in hushed singsong.

"Get out!" I howled, staring daggers at her until she mimicked locking her lips and throwing away the her. Beside her, Sirius sniggered though he looked equally horrified. They all did. Well...almost all. Peter had passed out almost from the very start and River was waiting out in the corridor with him. Lily's reaction was the most unnerving since it was scared but equally one of morbid curiosity. She was probably wondering if it would be the same for her. I sure as hell hoped so. Why should I be the only one to go through this hell? They all deserved a go as well. It was only fair.

"I'm never having kids. Just saying," squeaked Hazel before slapping her hands over her mouth and later mouthing an apology.

Once Dorian was halfway out I just stopped feeling everything. It was though I had given up on the agony of it all. Sure, I still pushed but I ignored the pain that surged through me the way I did my cramps every month. This was just yet another burdens of being a woman, wasn't it? Whining about it was rather counterproductive, I felt.

Eventually he was out and one of the aiding Healers took Dorian Scourgified him clean, wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me. Cue the waterworks.

"Congratulations," she said as she passed him over, "you've got yourself a perfectly healthy baby boy."

Felicity Moon had been called for this though it was not her area because it was common knowledge that she was my favorite employee at St. Mungo's. She too had watched with the same intense interest as Lily. Strange I had never even asked her if she had a nice fellow of her own. Probably did judging by the impressive rock on her finger.

I had to admit, once it was all over it really wasn't so bad. Once Dorian was in my arms it was as if the previous struggle had been Obliviated from my memory. He was seriously the most beautiful I had seen in my life, save for his father.

"What's his name?" asked Felicity, quill in hand.

"Dorian," they all said in unison, almost in a bored tone.

Lily, Hazel, Mary, Keri and mum were crying. The lads were just trying to look everywhere but between my legs, though they looked pretty damn happy about the success of my labor as much as anyone else.

I nodded, turning to Remus who promptly kissed my forehead the that of our baby boys. Pride seemed to radiate off him in strong waves that I wouldn't have been surprised if everyone else in the room was able to feel it. He looked just about ready to run yelling madly around the streets, cartwheeling included. It was pretty funny, actually.

"Dorian Remus Lupin," I said.

Felicity scribbled it down with a flourish, grinning widely. "He'll be well fit when he's older," she said with a nod, "I can tell."

"He's perfect," I sighed.

"You both are," said Remus.

* * *

**_THREE MONTHS LATER_**

**_7 AUGUST 1978_**

It's amazing how fast time goes by and how we never really seem to notice as it does. It's amazing how even after helping Keri organize her wedding it was still a pain in the arse getting mine together. Mum, of course, went all out to the extent I allowed her. She would have wanted something that would bring royals to shame, but now that Hogwarts was over for us (after Dorian was born everything was sort of a blur, including our graduation though I recall Lily making a rather riveting speech about hope and strength in times of darkness that rivaled all those we had heard from Dumbledore over the years) and we had all joined the Order without hesitation we had to keep things as safe as possible. In this case safety meant a small wedding in the same church Cecilia and John Lupin had exchanged their own vows. In Glasgow. Near were I had been buried alive. I liked the sort of dark aspect of it, finding it oddly humorous.

Several members of the order had been invited for security purposes and because I had become fast friends with most of them including Caradoc Dearborn who, though twice our age, Remus would have preferred I not smile too much at him because he was apparently yet another on what Remus felt was a long list of blokes who wanted nothing more than to steal me from him.

"You're paranoid, darling," I'd constantly say to him. "I'm already yours. Always have been, always will be."

The dress I wore had been the one my mother had on her wedding day. It seemed only fair since most of the things I did were in Cecilia's honor rather than hers though this was the woman who had given birth to me. Besides, it was a lovely thought and it fit like a glove. She had loved my father dearly when they married, and he her very much so. They were one of the few pureblood couples that married for love rather than solely to preserve the bloodlines. I knew that despite everything that had happened between them, no matter their rows and vast differences they would never stop loving each other. I knew mum sure as hell tried to get over dad, but that she never would. For so long I had though differently of the motives for their union. I had thought that mum never loved dad and that was why she had tried to run off with Adam when really she was just confused. Adam had been one of her closest friends and had been deeply in love with her always, she ran to him whenever things went wrong between her and dad. Hence Peter, not that mum ever regretted it.

Funny how my story seemed to almost mirror hers. Dad was her Remus and Adam was her Sirius. Of course, if I really stopped to think about it, Dad was more of a James since they had grown up together. Still, the thought of me and James in love was so totally beyond the valley of odd and uncomfortable since it was pretty much the same as being in love with my biological brother. I just hope mine had a happier ending. I couldn't bear the though of Remus and I ending up the way my parents did.

I couldn't think negatively though, not that day. It was impossible to anyway once I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair was done in an elaborate half-up do of Hazel's invention and was the same color as Remus's (except a slightly darker tone since it complimented my complexion far better, especially in the all-white ensemble). The veil was attached to a delicate silver headband that went across my forehead in a flowery pattern. The vines weaved into an intricate pattern, a tiny diamond at the center of each flower. Lily and River had done my make-up and had made it as natural-looking as possible while still emphasizing my eyes which we all knew I found were my best feature. Lily was, of course, my maid of honor since she had been the most supportive of this relationship since the very beginning and wore a simple mint green dress like the ones I had Keri, Hazel, River and Mary wear only Lily's had a short tulle skirt. With her hair up in a messy bun and in the matching silk slippers Lily looked like a ginger Tinkerbell.

Were Remus not as freakishly tall as he was, I'd have followed my bridesmaids and worn flat shoes instead of the baby pink seven-inch deathtraps strapped to my feet. With my lucky and grace, I'd probably fall flat on my face half way down the aisle which would be amusing on any other occasion but this.

Tiny little Dorian looked like a pea pod in Keri's arms as they made the first could to stroll down as the music began to play. My heart was beating so hard it was threatening to break through my ribcage but Peter was doing everything he could think of to keep me calm. He was giving me away. It felt only right since he was pretty much the closest thing I had ever had to a father figure being my big brother. His dark brown curls were for once, in all the years I had known him, tame and he actually looked handsome. He was pretty dashing, I had to admit. He looked like mum but strong traces of Adam were in him, while I looked more like my dad almost entirely though, you know, loads more feminine.

Mary and Beck followed, then River and Pete, then Hazel and Sirius, finally Lily by herself since James was already at the altar beside Remus. I counted silently to ten when Lily began to walk then the bruv and I were off. My legs had turned to gelatin and Peter had to use most of his strength just to keep me up, the rest of it to get me moving. I wasn't having second thoughts, it was just so surreal that after so many years this was finally happening.

At first overwhelmed by all the flowers and their intoxicating scents mingling into a new, extraordinary one that I did not see Remus right away. I saw Marlene and Caradoc, the Prewett twins all sitting on my side behind my mother who was already blubbering, wiping away her tears with a handkerchief to keep them from messing up her makeup: a futile action since by the time Pete and I started to walk her eyeliner was almost completely gone. Finally, I saw Remus. All I really saw was his face once my eyes locked onto him. Not really noticing James or anyone else around him. The world seemed to melt away. He was always real, Remus. His eyes looked positively golden; his perfect face almost grave as he tried not to burst as he had about an hour after Dorian was born into random, merry laughter. Then, as he met my gaze through my veil when I was almost to him, he broke into a spectacular smile of euphoria that had me swooning the rest of the way to him. How cruel it would be if that smile made me die before I even reached him! Or so it felt as though it would!

At last I was there. Remus held out his slightly shaking hand. Pete took mine and placed it in his and I could have sworn I saw my dearest big brother shed a tear just then. The moment our fingers interlocked we were both completely serene.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of two faithful souls..."

From the corner I could see Dorian sucking on his fist in Keri's lap who was sobbing openly, Pete with his arm wrapped around her shoulders. Beside them sat Sirius, his look of forlorn the only thing that could possibly make me feel guilty for marrying Remus. I had thought I had accepted that I couldn't do anything without disappointing either him or Remus, still I wished there could have been some way to make them both happy. Long ago, it seemed, I thought that he'd eventually pair up with Hazel since they seemed to make the perfect couple in my eyes, but now when I thought of them together I hated to admit it made me jealous. Even as I watched them walk down together I couldn't help but feel that foul little twitch despite knowing full well that their relationship was completely platonic. What was wrong with me? I had made my choice and did not regret it. I knew when I chose that I could no longer go from one to the other aimlessly. This was for life, for all eternity. Why was I even thinking about this _now_? I turned back to Remus, only half paying attention to the small wizard presiding. That smile. There could be no denying I had made the right choice when I looked upon that smile...

"Do you, Remus John, take Melody Belle-Etoile...?"

I let out a small groan as the wizard said my middle name and Remus, and many others close enough to hear, chuckled.

Remus's gaze was intense as he replied with utter certainty and confidence, "I do."

He looked so triumphant, even a bit smug, but I knew that through the tears that were washing away the perfect face River and Lily had constructed I looked just as triumphant, just as happy. We were, in that moment, despite everything that could constituted as negative about us, the luckiest people in the world.

"Do you, Melody Belle-Etoile, take Remus John...?"

I nodded fervently and managed to choke out a shaky "I do" as I tried desperately to blink away the tears.

"...then I declare you bonded for life."

He waved his wand high over our heads and a shower of silver stars fell upon us as Remus, who had now pushed back my veil, bent down and kissed me as passionately as ever. With eyes shut I could not see anyone but heard as the all begun clapping, as the gentile music began once more.

The reception was held in the Potter's garden which was decorated with gorgeous starlike lights which twinkled everywhere you turned, often forming lovely patterns within the shrubbery. There were several small circular glass tables beneath a white tent decorated, as the church had been, with an abundance of delightful smelling flowers. Some people were dancing nearby while others merely stood at the edge of the dance-floor chatting happily. Now and then someone would come up to us as offer their congratulations. That was when I first met Arthur and Molly Weasley, who had heard of the wedding through Molly's brothers.

It was strange seeing them with their family so small compared to what it would someday be. Bill, the eldest, was about eight and stared at me in awe as if I were the prettiest thing he had ever seen, and Charlie was about six and fiddling with string on the sleeve of his bright purple robes. Molly balanced tiny Percy on her hip and she leaned over to give me a one-armed hug, both her and Arthur insisting that if there was ever anything we needed not to hesitate in asking for their help. Their kindness, despite us being almost strangers to them, touched me so deeply that I almost begun to cry again but Gideon and Fabian were right behind them and their jokes immediately put a smile on my face.

"How am I going to save them all?" I mused. I couldn't bare the thought that these two—who had been the first to befriend me upon joining the Order and taken me under their wing—could be dead in the not so distant future. But was it even possible for me to keep them all alive, or were their deaths positively essential to the success of the cause? I hoped not, but feared that was exactly it.

I didn't realize I had said it aloud until Remus replied, "You'll do the best you can, but remember you're not alone in this."

"I don't want to think I've lost you again."

"Nor do I," he murmured, bringing my hands up to his lips, "But if there's anything I can do to help you, I'll do it whether you want me to or not. We all will, and I..." he trailed off, his focus no longer on me but on something behind me.

I turned following his line of sight when I saw him. He was talking to James and Lily, smiling gown at Dorian who was currently curled up in Lily's arms. For a moment I forgot who they were talking to and laughed at James' expression as he saw just how happy Lily looked holding a baby; she was positively glowing. I began to walk toward them but Remus held me back.

'You don't have to do this," he insisted. Despite all he knew about me and my family, about the future now, Remus was still a bit apprehensive about my father.

I smiled up at him reassuringly. "Yes, I do."

Dad saw me and excused himself from James and Lily walking over to the far side of the garden only to stop at the maze's entrance.

"You seem very happy, and you look beautiful," he said. "Your little boy, he looks just like you when you were a baby."

"He looks more like his father," I sighed, finding myself unable to keep from fidgeting with the skirt of my dress. I couldn't find it in me to look him in the eye. "What are you doing here?"

"There are some things I need to discuss with you."

"Look," I began, "if it's about the protective enchantments you placed on me all those years ago, I know, all right? And I'm sorry I was so awful to you. I really appreciate all that you've done for me, regardless of what I've been through."

He smiled sadly, stroking my cheek with his knuckles the way he did when I was a little girl. "I'd do anything for you, princess, but there is yet more that you must know."

"Like what?" I asked intrigued.

His eyes darted to Remus who was watching us carefully and he smirked knowingly. "Do you know how it is that your dear husband survived that beating?"

"We think he shifted," I replied.

Dad gave a slow nod. "He did, and I know why."

* * *

** A/N:** CLIFFHANGER! If it seems as though I've left out a lot of things here and there, trust me, it's for a reason. A sequel prhaps So excited you guys. I'm so, so excited. R&R down below s'il vous plait.


	34. A Space Boy Dream

_"...but faced with the reality of it, in a dream, I was terrified."_

—Belle & Sebastian, "A Space Boy Dream"

**Chapter 33: A Space Boy Dream**

"It's not possible," I insisted, shaking my head, "his mum could shift, but that particular trait wasn't passed on. Remus is not a Shifter."

He took out a flask from the his coat's inner pocket and took a swig of something which judging from the smell of his breath when he spoke afterwards must have been an incredibly strong Firewhisky. He raised it toward me, offering me some but I shook my head as I tapped my foot impatiently. "Au contraire, ma petite Belle-Etoile," he chuckled. Dad hated my middle name probably as much as I did. On more than one occasion before their separation he said it made him regret ever having taught mum how to speak French. "Wolfy's a Shifter, all right. A dormant one but a Shifter nonetheless."

"And how could _you_ possibly know that?" I asked unable to help my sneering. Despite knowing the truth about my father, there was still some residual dislike for him that would probably take years to get rid of.

He begun pacing with his hands behind his freakishly straight back. He always did this when there was something important to discuss, or when he wanted to seem more important than he really was. I had always hated it, but now more than ever as it made me all the more anxious for him to tell me what he knew that, apparently, no one else did.

Not to far away from us I saw Lily sit down at the table that was occupied by Hazel and Sirius, Dorian seemingly fast asleep in her arms. Remus and James had been talking but now Remus was coming toward us ready to play the role of mediator, no doubt.

"Do we have to make such a big fuss about this?" I sighed. "Quit the theatrics and just tell me what you know about Remus!"

"What about me?" asked Remus, wrapping a protective arm around my waist and giving a curt nod as a greeting to my father who returned his the very same way.

He shook his head taking yet another swig of his drink. "It isn't as simple as just telling you about Remus." The distaste was evident as he said his name. Cowardly blood traitor though he was, he still wasn't totally on the half-breed bandwagon...mum was at least giving it a go and she positively adored Dorian.

"What about me?" repeated Remus frustrated.

"He seems to think you're a Shifter, as well."

"I don't think, Melody, dear, I know," he said in a condescending tone. I noticed then how his eyes darted nervously in every direction every so often, probably hoping not to be spotted by mum, and he was technically a crasher so...

"Then give us the whole story, sir." I grinned cheekily at the sarcastic emphasis Remus put on the word 'sir.' He was being much more kind than he needed to be. He would have totally ripped dad to shreds if he knew he was still calling him 'Wolfy.' I had merely chosen to ignore his rudeness because I was dying to know what the hell he was on about.

"Fine," dad snapped, summoning us all chairs and lazily plopping into his own. Clearly done with his Firewhisky he stashed it back into his coat and lit a cigarette. It dangled loosely between his lips that it was astounding how he kept it from falling even as he spoke. Still, astonishment aside, years of absolutely no contact had made me forget just how revolting my father's habits were, particularly his vices.

He let out a long smokey breath and began, "In my time in the Department of Mysteries I focused on time-travel, on parallel words and so forth—" he waved his hand lazily as if this all bored him immensely "—and I fell upon this so-called 'condition.' Mind you, I never really believed in it. Though it was just a load of rubbish dreamt up by a bunch of loons...until I started to do some digging and discovered that Cecilia Lupin was documented as having shown signs of it. Upon deeper investigation I discovered your uncle also showed signs of it, though his ability was for the most part dormant."

"Like Remus," I mused softly, feeling Remus's spasmodically squeeze my hand. "Does that mean he may still be alive somewhere? Someplace else?"

"Yes, it is quite possible. You never saw him?" I shook my head. Indeed, it was quite possible as Ophelia Corden was an orphan in the 'normal' world and could probably have siblings she knew nothing about. However, I found it rather unlikely that he'd be in the same time period despite the fact that Remus, Cecilia and I were. If he had shifted upon his death I reckon he must have been alive elsewhere; some other time and place.

"What has this to do with anything, though?" asked Remus petulantly. I took everything in me not to laugh at the two of them, they were so comically childish it bordered on the ridiculous. "Besides, that we now know shifting is clearly hereditary."

Dad chuckled. "Isn't it obvious?" Remus and I both stared at him blankly and he sighed. "You feel...something for each other, something inexplicable but so strong it is almost as if you'd be incapable of surviving should something happen to the other." Remus paled at the memory of my funeral, and how he had reacted afterward. Dad smirked his triumphant creepy smirk. "When the other is in danger somehow you just know." This time I paled recalling the dream that had snapped me back to this world inside a coffin. Dad's smirk turned into a full on grin and as he continued to speak he seemed to be directing his words solely at me. His gaze made me feel as though he was looking through me—did he know Legilimency? Regardless, I didn't like it one bit. "You are capable of loving another but no matter how intense that love is it still pales in comparison to what you two share. You are bound by the ancient blood you share, that of the original family. This bond, what you feel for each other, is because the bloodlines must be merged once more, especially now that the Corden and Reinhardt lines were unsuccessful in merging before...?

"Before?" I asked.

"What original family?" asked Remus at the same time.

Dad threw the remainder of his cigarette to the ground and crushed it with the heel of his boot before producing and lighting another. The foul smoke was beginning to make me dizzy. "Not any witch or wizard can be a Shifter, it is limited to one family which stemmed into five very distinct ones. The Cordens are the originals, though no one has yet to discover how they acquired such a peculiar talent as this. Cecilia Lupin was destined to be with Laertes Corden, but he was killed before they ever met. Your union is the bloodline trying to correct its previous mistake. You see, Shifters appear in cycles. Two will never be present at the same time unless they're meant to join."

"Are you saying we don't really love each other?" Though he spoke calmly, I knew Remus was trying to keep his temper from flaring.

"Quite the contrary, _son_," said my father, "I liken the bond to the concept of soul-mates. That piece of yourself you've always felt was missing until you found each other—Voila! That does not mean, however, that you are not capable of feeling love for another as I'm sure you are very well aware."

Sinking deep into my chair, my cheeks burned with embarrassment as my eyes involuntarily flickered over to Sirius whom, I had not noticed till then, had been observing this exchange with great interest as the others all laughed and chatted merrily. From the corner of my eye I could see Remus frown a bit.

"You said there were five families?" I asked, desperate to get off this subject. "What of the others? Why hasn't anyone else heard of this?"

"The knowledge was lost with the passing of time as fewer Shifters were born into the families," dad explained. "Two of them, the Jessops and the Meadowes, seem to have lost the ability altogether. The Woods haven't produced a Shifter since the early 19th century, but they seem more dormant than dead. Oddly enough, the Woods are the only family in which the ability has been passed down solely through the men although the original, Gwendolyn, was a woman. In fact, there was only one man in the Corden family, his name was Gabriel—he and Gwendolyn were twins."

I nodded slowly trying to process the boatload of information he had so without a warning thrust upon us on what was supposed to be the happiest and most carefree day of our lives. The happiness of everyone around us seemed to cruelly mock us at that moment, but dad didn't seem to notice the distress he had caused. In his mind he probably fancied himself selfless for sharing such valuable information when he could have very well kept it from us, from everyone.

Remus and I rose fluidly from our chairs moments later once we had gotten over the initial shock and I said, "Well, dad, it was good to see you." The thanks was rather superficial and forced but part of me did actually mean it.

"Wait," he said, getting up suddenly, holding a tiny blue box in his hands, "your gift."

"Dad, you didn't—"

"There's a lot I need to make up for. I know a gift doesn't count as a proper apology and can't take back all the harm I've caused, but it would mean the world to me if you accepted."

I took the box and let out a gasp as I lifted the lid and saw what was inside. Nestled in power blue velvet was a delicate old-fashioned silver key and another, smaller brass one attached to a chain. The Hargreeves crest was engraved into the silver one and a number was sloppily etched into the other. He didn't have to say a word for I knew exactly what they were.

"I can't possibly accept this. It-It's too much, I—"

"I insist," he said gently pushing the box back to me. "Can't just let them go to waste. If you don't take them..." he trailed off softly.

"What's wrong?" I frowned.

"Surely you heard about Dahlia's suicide. It was my fault. When I found out I was dying I immediately wrote my will and she found it, but I had always intended to leave everything to you."

"Why not Peter?" I asked.

"He isn't my son, and even if he were he would have never accepted anything from me. He is far too proud, not to mention he absolutely loathes me," he replied with a shrewd grin and a shrug, burring his hands deep in his coat's pockets as he turned to leave. "All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy, but so far I've done a pretty crap job. Hopefully this will assure you the safety and stability you'll need to raise your little boy. It is admittedly too much, but you are the rightful heir and it'll make life a hell of a lot easier for the two of you."

"Dad—"

He shook his head. "Don't" he urged. "Just promise me you'll put what I've given you to good use."

I nodded, trying to regain my breath after the shock. How else would I have reacted. He was giving me our ancestral home and the entire Hargreeves fortune which was more than anyone could burn through in a lifetime, even the most reckless of shoppers. I didn't feel I deserved it, but then again I was incredibly touched and relieved. Mum would probably go mental, of course, considering the lovely memories she had of Hargreeves Manor. She'd probably try to forbid me from stepping foot in the house and the vault, but perhaps I would be able to placate her using Dorian's undeniable charm. She could not speak against it if it was being used for Dorian's benefit.

About a foot away dad stopped and turned back to us. "Just out of curiosity, did the time-turner ever show up in the other world?" he asked.

I nodded. "Why? Is it important?"

"I reckon it will be eventually, just not the way you might think."

And he disappeared into the crowd, only a loud pop signaling that he had left for good.

"You're father is a nutter," muttered Remus, as he lead me out onto the dance floor.

"He's an arse," I corrected. "I think I'm going to miss him, though."

"Are you going to tell your mum he was here?"

"It kind of inevitable, isn't it? Considering the gift?" I sighed, resting my head against his chest as we swayed to the soft music. "I can't believe he's left us everything."

"You're blessed," said Remus simply. "The universe seems to love you."

"But you love me, right?" I murmured self-consciously. "It's not just because of this supposed bond we share?"

"I do," he sighed. "And you?"

"Always," I said in just barely a whisper, all the while never tearing my gaze away from Sirius who was dancing as well, with Marlene McKinnon now.

He was looking at me just as intensely, as if he knew all about the conversation and was wondering the same thing I was. Would this have been our wedding, would we have been dancing together now if it weren't for the blood which just so happened to run through our veins? I just hated feeling like I had no control of any of this, like I was Fate's bitch. I found it hard to look at it the way my father had suggested, as Remus and I being soulmates. But that's really what we were, wasn't it? We were meant to be together and we had found each other though it could have been just as easy to never have known we existed, let alone in this capacity. Yes, I'll admit that I still loved Sirius. I would admit it a million times without hesitation, but I knew—I felt as I always had—that something between us would never work because we just didn't fit together. Trying to deny that was like trying to fit two non corresponding puzzle pieces together by force. What Remus and I was effortless. I was right. I was natural. It was like breathing whereas anything I could have had with Sirius was like trying to breathe underwater.

I wasn't Fate's plaything. I refused to be. Fate did not pull the strings, I did. I was in control because I had seen the future and knew...

Somehow I would save this world.

I would save us all.


	35. Exit Music For A Film

_"Breathe, keep breathing_

_Don't lose your nerve_

_Breathe, keep breathing_

_I can't do this alone"_

—Radiohead, "Exit Music (For A Film)"

**Epilogue: Exit Music (For A Film)**

_[Memories via Pensieve]_

**ABOUT S. SNAPE**

"You don't have to tell Him what you've just heard," I urged him, tugging at his hand. The skin of his palm was dry and cracked from the cold, slightly sticky with blood. I tried to get across the sincerity of my words but he didn't seem to care. Instead, he merely sneered and shoved himself away from me, heading toward the high street.

When he came back some time later in a panic I had to resist the immense urge to say 'I told you so' and stick my tongue out at him childishly but we were all adults now and, considering the matter at hand was the fate of two of my best mates, it just didn't seem appropriate. It's funny that I had always tried so hard to be a friend to Severus Snape and only now, when it was a matter of life or death, did he seem to take my offer seriously. I suppose it had to do with how close I was to his beloved Lily and the fact that I was the only one capable of subduing Sirius without the threat of force.

"He thinks it means Lily Evans!" he rasped brokenhearted. I kind of felt bad for him, but it was his own fault he didn't have her. I had discovered that most Death Eaters had given up all things meaningful in their lives to their stupid cause, especially love. Snape being the prime example...and Regulus, who had not let me help him when I approached him. Now that he was gone Dorcas and I were the only ones who knew Lord Voldemort's secret. After the Potters, Dorcas was top at the keep-alive list. As well as everyone else I deeply cared for, of course.

"We'll keep her safe, Severus. I give you my word: my life before hers."

His face gave a peculiar spasm as if he were trying to muster up a smile.

"Please," he begged breathlessly, clasping onto my hands. "Please."

I nodded. "Find a way to bring me Peter for there is much needed to discuss and we've got time ticking against us." He agreed. "Oh and Snape? Lay off my kids when they get to Hogwarts, all right? If you've nothing nice to say to them, don't say it at all."

* * *

** ABOUT P. PETTIGREW**

I stared down at Peter's inner left forearm feeling both devastated and nauseous. I had not failed, however—there was still a way I could fix things. It was mad and it was dangerous, but it would have to do.

"Did River know about this?" I asked far more calmly than I actually felt. I wanted nothing more than to cry.

Peter was all fidgety and twitchy, trying to avoid eye contact with me at all costs. When he spoke his voice trembled. "I did it to keep her safe, it's all I ever wanted. Of course she didn't know—what a stupid question—would have shattered her fragile little heart, innit?"

"But you didn't keep her safe because they lied to you, Wormtail, and you believed them. They are the ones responsible for her death, not us. Fighting your friends, who still love you terribly, will not avenge River's death, but if you join us...if you help us..."

He shook his head and begun to sob, "It's too late."

"How much does he know?" I asked.

His eyes finally met mine. "Everything."

* * *

**ABOUT R.J. LUPIN**

"I'll be back before you know it, my love," said Remus as he bent down to kiss me. It was a deep, long, passionate kiss. It would be our last for a while so we needed to make it count. He was off for Scotland, on a mission for the Order.

As if sensing fear and uncertainty in his father's words Dorian, whom I held balanced on my right hip, lunged forward and grasped his robes, urging him not to go.

"Take care of your sister, Dor," sighed Remus, pulling the floppy-haired little boy into a tight embrace.

Dorian peered over his father's shoulder at the little girl bundled up under a soft lavender blanket on the sofa, fast asleep. Her chestnut hair spread out over her flower-shaped pillow like seaweed over a rock.

Dorian nodded as Remus set him back down. "It's off to bed now."

He nodded but stopped at the foot of the stairs and turned back toward us. "I love you, daddy," he said with a soft yawn, pushing his electric blue hair out of his eyes.

"I love you, too, son."

I tuned back to Remus, tears now blurring my vision. To hide this I buried my face into his chest and held him tighter than even Dorian had.

"Don't cry," he whispered, stroking my hair. "Everything will be all right."

"I'm scared," I choked out. "I don't want to lose you. Promise me—Just promise me you'll come back."

I felt his lips press against the top of my head, followed by two warm tears. "Always."

* * *

**ABOUT M. CORDEN**

The least we could do now was try. So many friends were dead, friends whom I held close to my heart despite the brief time we shared together. I had my children to worry about also. My Dorian, and my little Echo who was months away from her second birthday. Both so small, so innocent, so fragile. If their mum and dad did not survive the war I wanted them to at least grow up in a peaceful world where they would not have to worry about persecution because of their blood status.

I watched as Dorian chased tiny Echo as she dashed across Peter and Keri's flat. They took turns catching one another until tiring of this particular game and working together to capture Keri's fat black cat.

"Echo," whined Dorian, "don't!"

Echo, whose hair was now half-yellow, half-pink laughed madly as she begun to run faster, dragging the cat by its tail behind her.

Keri noticed the way I was watching them and said, "You don't have to do this, Mels, you can just stay here with them, with us."

I shook my head. "It has to be me." This was the only thing of which I was absolutely certain. "If you hear from Remus please don't tell him what I've gone off to do until you're absolutely certain of the outcome. One way or another I'm sure it'll make the front page."

It would either end up a massacre or a victory. If a victory, it would still be long before this whole mess was truly over for his soul was out there and the location of its pieces were still uncertain. I was frightened about how little of the 'normal' world I recalled with each passing day which in turn had me forgetting pivotal points of the future here. I could no longer remember the location of the Horcruxes, for instance, and 1994 was a complete mystery to me. Everything seemed to be slipping away from me the more attached I became to this world. Soon I'd be just as lost as everyone else seemed to be, but I had my journals and they would allow me to never forget. I would keep them somewhere safe within the Manor, somewhere no one but I could access them.

"How long has it been since he left?" asked Keri, clutching her cat as it jumped terrified into her arms.

"Too long," I whimpered. "I've lost count. It's better this way, though. Wherever Dumbledore's sent him I reckon it's safer than here. Nothing's happened to him; I'd feel it..."

Keri nodded slowly. I had told her all about the blood bond and the five families. She was the only one who knew about it so far because it was safe to tell her. No one else could know in such detail if I wanted Dorian—who I feared was showing signs—to be safe from those who might him for his ability. Echo was, fortunately, normal except for the odd moments of howling on fool moons and her seemingly heightened senses. She only had the traits, never did she transform.

Resisting the urge to cry, I called them over and made them promise they'd be good for their aunt and uncle.

"Take good care of your sister, love," I urged Dorian, hugging them both close to me. I wanted so badly to cry but if I did I would only distress them, and I couldn't very well leave them in such a poor state. "Be good, my darlings. Mummy loves you both very much."

They nodded and bounced back to their game totally untroubled.

I had always been better at masking my worry than Remus had...at lease since I became a mother. I couldn't afford to be weak or delicate anymore, but strong for their sake. Still, I knew there was a very big chance that I may never come back from this mission.

"Remus, he'll write" I assured them only half-convinced by my words myself.

No one had heard from him since he left, not even me.

Keri gave me a sympathetic smile.

"If Dorian...if he blacks out..."

"We'll call Ophelia straight away," she assured me.

Dorian had unfortunately inherited my all of my traits though he was the splitting image of his father. Fortunately his shifting appeared to be a much milder form than my own, only occurring in his sleep as if he were only dreaming. He seemed to differentiate between the two worlds, but he never talked about it. He seemed to understand than he and I were two people very different from the rest. Sometimes I'd find myself wondering if he had alternate parents in that other world and what they were like. I wondered if he had a sister there, too, but it happened so seldom and I liked to think he was happy in this world.

Pete appeared without a sound. We hugged. I left.

* * *

_** [ABOUT THAT NIGHT IN GODRIC'S HOLLOW]**_

The moment everything went green Lily didn't dare turn around.

Of one thing she was absolutely certain now: Peter Pettigrew was dead. He'd continue to look like James, even in death, until the Polyjuice Potion wore off. He was so brave, and she would never let anyone forget that.

They were upstairs waiting for her. Safety awaited. Everything would be alright.

She stumbled a bit at the top of the stairs, clutching little Harry in her arms but made it into the room. With a flick of her wrist she sent all the boxes in sight toward the door, piling them up as a makeshift barricade. She hoped that they would be able to buy them at least a fraction of a second.

"Mummy loves you, Harry," she whispered. "Never forget that."

He laughed at their foolish attempt to trick him. If he had not been able to kill James Potter then, he would find him later and make him suffer before taking his life.

When he forced open the door, the red-haired girl stood clutching her son to her chest. She was trembling uncontrollably and her pale, freckled face was soaked with tears. She let the boy fall into his crib with a small yelp at the sight of her attacker and threw her arms wide. She knew that the moment he chose to strike this would not help at all, but it felt like the thing to do.

"Wait," she whispered, the sound of which could barely just reach Harry. "Wait."

He was ordering her to stand aside but she stayed, her feet firmly planted to the spot, begging him to kill her instead and spare the child.

"You will not touch him," she warned, in a trembling and unconvincing tone. "You'll have to kill me first.

He laughed.

The red-haired girls eyes kept darting to the gap between the wall and the baby's crib but he didn't notice. Nothing was there anyway.

"Wait," she breathed once more.

They would come. They had not been told the precise moment but they would come. They would know when to come. She just prayed that it worked, prayed that her love would be enough to save them all if she could not save herself.

There was no sound as it happened. There was no feeling either. Every bit of the girl was completely numb...except her mind and her heart. Her thoughts raced and her heart throbbed with the love she felt for everyone she had ever known. Images of friends and family spun rapidly before her eyes as her heart swelled in anticipation for the crescendo.

It was coming. She saw the green light approaching.

When it hit, she did not die right away. She felt to the ground limply.

The last thing she saw was her hair, splayed on the floor all around her, like a fuse traveling up a dynamite wick, from the ends to the roots turning from brilliant red...

to pink.

**END OF PART ONE **

* * *

**A/N:** I'd like to thank everyone who read this fic and encourage you all to read the rewrite (under the same name), especially if you are interested in the sequel. The rewrite will be vastly different (the ships aren't as defined, for instance, and there's more action) yet as I've outlined it, it does keep certain elements. If this is it for you, that's okay, just please don't hesitate to tell me what you liked or didn't like...I just hope you didn't feel as if going through these 34 chapters of mine wasted your time. Luv you all.

- Melissa


	36. Author's Note

Poppy Fields (the AUM/TNN sequel) is up for those of you who would like to find out what happens next. Thanks so much to all of you who read my fic and those of you who expressed your love for it either by reviewing, favoriting, or following it. It makes me so, so happy that you all enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.


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